Tag: art

Freelance Reflections #101

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Last week was a quieter period, where I failed to get on top of things as much as I would have liked. I found my marks for my written assignment and was disappointed to get 53, just scraping a pass. I was able to share work with my peers and through this and the verbal feedback, I was able to see where I could have improved. I realised that certain learning processes aren’t working for me and my overwhelm at what to include goes back to the fact that I need to reassess the way I read in order to actually absorb it and keep track of the content to apply in written assignments. It is strange to identify as a writer and yet understand how dyspraxia is impacting my comprehension.

I had booked a half-price hot stone massage, knowing that it would be exactly what I needed. I had sprained my ankle seeing Muse in Milton Keynes (great gig, horrible journey, getting back at 2:45am) – another example of dyspraxia in action. I was about to cancel it, but in the end went through with it, and it was just the kind of somatic therapy I needed.

The rest of the week was also filled with activity, so thankfully my sprain hasn’t been too bad, and it just a bit bruised now. On Tuesday, I met with a couple of course-mates, on Wednesday I met a couple who were visiting my partner from Türkiye, on Thursday I hosted Forest Hill Stanza at Mozart London, and Friday I went bouldering for the first time (I injured my thumb slightly on a little fall when my leg slipped).

This weekend I have been to a house party; despite accepting the fact that I don’t like parties, everyone was really lovely and I had a great time. With the last remaining bit of energy, I went to Margate (thankfully by car). It felt right; I played games on the beach, swam in the sea, and ended the day on an ice-cream, followed by a cloudy lemonade sour beer at Xylo.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #100

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As the end of my first year training to be an Art Psychotherapist comes to an end, I don’t feel like I have fully accepted it. I can’t imagine how I would feel at the end of the three years, and I feel more anxious than I’ve ever felt about qualifying. Still, I have a summer where I can read and see some of my fellow course-mates.

Invigilating last weekend’s exhibition

As a tutor, I have a lot of experience with endings. However, I imagine it is all the more intense when dealing with endings in psychotherapy, likely in situations where you are powerless to extend therapy where there is still a need for it. This week, I’ve had a sudden ending, without a final session, which I feel undermines the relationship between tutor and student, and undervalues the work we do together. Yet, thinking about the neoliberal structure, my focus is initially on how I can make up the six hours of work now lost. However, I felt a need to make space to feel the sadness of the loss of this professional relationship.

Anticipating the release of Barbie

The student that I will likely now seen comes with a family tragedy, so in the learning environment there is an inevitable holding of pain, despite not being therapeutic. It is a strange time to be starting with new students, and coming towards the endings of the summer term.

‘5 a Day’ prints available for £40

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #99

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Last week was less intense due to work cancellations. I had She Grrrowls on the Thursday and the private view for the Goldsmiths exhibition on the Friday. Where I could, I came in to held more with the exhibition, with Monday being sanding and painting boards, Tuesday finishing and placing the artwork, Thursday putting up some finishing touches, and Friday the same again, with the addition of making labels.

She Grrrowls was small, but mighty. I will try to keep going with the Catford Mews venue if I can. I just really loved having Phoebe Wagner feature, connecting to her Spanish heritage, and appreciated the Sims reference. I am also hoping to cook up another bigger project. I’m not on top of my emails, but when I have free time, I want to balance it between books in the sun, and creative projects in the rain. Time just seems to ebb away so quickly.

All the performers from June’s She Grrrowls

Although I had to correct a spelling mistake on my artwork (and had already paid to get a print) when I invigilated yesterday, I was really pleased to see people engage with my work. I invited people to think about their defence mechanisms and sculpt fruit to represent it. At the private view, I suddenly felt quite vulnerable and exposed, even though the work wasn’t personal, I wanted people to like the concept and so I took the engagement as positive feedback.

Baby All-Clay-Gone!

I also went to the Dance and Movement Psychotherapy show, which I loved and also included a lot of visuals and provided a lot of insight into the practice. I wished there was more of a chance to make connections with the course as I’m more interested in an integrated approach to other expressive arts therapies whether dance, music, performance art or visual art.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #96

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Like it always seems, I’ve been thinking about balance and protecting time. Specially, protecting time for rest and creativity. When I create, I feel energised in a way that also comes from resting. I am reminding myself of the sacrifices I’m choosing to make, and the reason why I’m working so much is to pay for my studies. They have to be priorities. I want to maintain my relationships, but I also need to trust that my friends, family and partner will understand and support me in this time and know that I’m not going anywhere, and neither are they.

New reading group room has fancy chairs and everyone’s first reaction is to sit in on.

Working on Sundays, albeit for two hours, is not working for me. That time is going to be all the more necessary when I’m on my work placement, training on the job, as it were. This is time that from June I want to protect: to lay in with my partner, to move my body, to create, to read, and to connect with others even if that just means a phone call or local quick cuppa, because I’ll be getting ready for the week ahead, making lunches and having a relaxing bath. There may be exceptions, but they should be exceptions to this rule.

Morning sun.

Whenever I talk about how busy I am, I am annoyed, feeling complicit and perpetuating this capitalistic culture of busyness. I don’t want to compare between friends how busy we are. The people I admire are those who are resting more. #goals

I’ll be posting more about this on Instagram at some point.

So, what am I already doing to protect my time from work that I can emulate in other ways, on other days? I’m not working Tuesday afternoons, I’m debriefing with colleges and when I have to work, it’s an exception to the rule (for example, I’m actually going away over the bank holiday, but this means moving some work to the bank holiday this Monday and to the Tuesday evening). I’m protecting my Friday yoga class as the teacher is the best I’ve ever had, and despite being in a gym, it feels like a deep and somatic, spiritual experience. Even if I have to wear my gym clothes for the rest of the day.

Letting my friends know my social life will be sacrificed somewhat.

I’m also protecting Pilates on Thursdays, and Zoca dance on Saturday as much as possible. Plus boxing when I have the energy. Generally speaking, moving my body helps me in all other areas of my life, whether that’s walking more, going to the gym, or doing some other activity. Keeping to routines also helps me with increasing my sleep, which is also a major goal for me, the impact of which on other areas of life is underestimated.

From The Pattern App

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #95

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Last Saturday, I hosted a Lego party, and the next day the mum complained about me, with the goal it seemed to get me to lose my job. She claimed that I wasn’t qualified or suitable for the job.

Given that I have done the same for the past four parties and was even given a tip by the last parent, it seemed it was more about the disappointment at the children losing interest in the activity that was more suitable for her older son, plus a dislike for my personal style of facilitation.

I tried not to take it personally, was supported and didn’t lose the work, sent an email in response, and took action where I could. So, I’ve edited my profile on the website, and have crafted an email to send out prior to parties to set expectations. I am not a party entertainer, I’m a party facilitator, and my job is to follow the workshop programme as per my training, interacting with the children, but mostly making sure they know what they are doing and are working and having fun together.

This week, I had my gran visit, and eased back into my regular work schedule. On Tuesday, I also had a couple of fellow Trainee Art Therapists over and we baked cupcakes. It made me think back to the Red Sky Sessions with Apples & Snakes about doing something creative every day, and thinking this doesn’t have to be visual art or poetry, but can also be baking!

Once more, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do.

Freelance Reflections #91

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Last night was the first She Grrrowls at Catford Mews, and despite a few teething issues, it was a great night. Although it can be hard to be present when running an event, it was such that I was able to really listen and be with the words, with incredible features Lateisha Davine Lovelace-Hanson and Marianella Lopez, such glorious open mic acts and audience members. You can see the joy emanating from the picture below.

My work schedule is changing again, and with this I’m considering that I need to make more rules for myself. These rules are to help me balance and avoid over-working. At the moment, I’m not handling stress well, and I’m currently writing this in the bath, fully aware I need to work on all sorts of boundaries. I only have Tuesday evenings consistently off. It’s not enough. I’m using tomorrow’s extra-long train journeys to read course material and write a book review.

In other news, I’ve been longlisted in the Outspoken Prize for Poetry for the third time – wish me luck!

I have committed to Sundays until mid-June, but I think I need to either just do one weekend day of tutoring, or continue to do the Lego Parties as my only fortnightly weekend work commitment. But to do that, I need a consistent amount of weekday work. I have my first totally solo party tomorrow, so I think that will be a deciding factor going forward, weighing up whether the fun factor and variety is worth the increased risk of germs when I could tutor at a nearby location. I’ve also scattered my language learning goals throughout the week in order to protect my Sunday afternoons for art making. It’s all still trial and error.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #90

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Living amongst boxes and furniture everywhere is making things difficult at the moment. On paper, I thought I could cope, but in reality, passing the month-mark soon, it does put a strain on your mental health, not to mention struggling with issues to do with being neurodivergent, where it’s coming to light that I find certain social conventions difficult to understand, and particular situations overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. Still, we move. All I can do is try to offer what I feel I can to those in my life, and try to be more present, knowing that this too shall pass. I’ve been using films a lot to escape, using my Everyman membership, attending free film previews, and the CPIFF (Crystal Palace International Film Festival).

A fellow Art Therapist Trainee has organised the above exhibition, so I thought I would share the private view information. With a slight change of running, we will have Lateisha Davine Lovelace-Hanson and Marianella Lopez both sharing new work at She Grrrowls at Catford Mews on Thursday 16th March, plus the short film screening. Buy tickets to the Catford Mews She Grrrowls here. To sign up for the open mic (there’s just two spots left), email shegrrrowls@gmail.com with your name, pronouns, and short bio / sentence to introduce you with. In other news, I’ve been long/short listed for a couple of competitions, so I’m excited about the potential of that!

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #88

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Last weekend I got to see the Tate Modern’s Yayoi Kusama exhibition. Although the exhibition itself was a smaller scale than I imagined, consisting of only two rooms, I was gifted the experience for Christmas and it was combined with a lunch. The food of her namesake was Japanese-inspired and it all felt so special. Amongst the chaos of everyday life, I felt I could be present.

With the news of the earthquake in Turkey and Syria, it’s been a personally challenging week, with my partner being Turkish. The destruction is unimaginable and the death toll is currently over 22,765 across both countries. It has been a massive shock to process, yet with gratitude that his immediate family were not more so impacted.

Our earth is only one polka dot among a million stars in the cosmos

Yayoi Kusama

Work this week has been disjointed; lots of cancellations for various reasons, tuition taking place in an exclusion centre rather than school, days moved, and I’ve been overwhelmed with the amount of students in need of alternative education placements.

After a young girl told me in an emotional and dramatic state that she would never draw flowers again, it seemed poignant that she incorporated them into her work as we made a colour-coded key to label different parts of speech in a sentence. Education is hugely important to me, but a lot of the time I feel more drawn to working with children in a therapeutic way, because otherwise there are so many barriers that many face in their learning.

In other news, I’ve got two events in March – the Forest Hill Poetry Stanza at Mozart London in Anerley on Friday 3rd March, and She Grrrrowls is back for International Women’s Day with a spoken word event at Catford Mews on Thursday 16th March. Watch this space for news on acts and tickets! The Stanza open mic is available to book for free on Eventbrite.

Lastly, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Carmina’s Cantata #13

Carmina's Cantata

I haven’t written an update on Carmina’s Cantata in a while, and as I’m back to it after a bit of a break, I thought I’d write a little on what I’m doing, as well as some more general stuff. So, after the festival, I didn’t listen to my body. I had an amazing massage should have gone home to rest, but I went to the Taking Back Sunday, Alkaline Trio and Destroy Boys gig… which I’m pretty sure if where I then got Covid! Made worse by going to see Funeral For A Friend the following week! I’d gone so long without it, I even thought maybe I’d had it but been asymptomatic. It was rough. It’s the second-worst illness I’ve had (the other being a kind of relative of Glandular Fever). I’m still struggling with the fatigue and my lungs don’t feel 100% when exercising. At one point I even got mixed messages about going to A&E, but I waited until Monday to see a doctor and it turned out that I just rushed into exercise. I’m feeling super tired right now and hoping I’m getting the balance right, as it’s something I struggle with.

SHEreos of Lewisham

I’d had to cancel my poetry gigs at SHEreos of Lewisham and R.A.P. Party, but I was at least able to watch The Albany stream, where an audio of my poem I’d recorded in the day was played, and a couple of people told me that my poem was one of their favourites. It was a joy to see people dancing to my chosen tracks as well. I was able to see the SHEReos of Lewisham exhibition with my poem in it the following weekend at Crofton Park Community Library. I have also been accepted onto the MA in Art Psychotherapy at Goldsmiths. As I’m not eligible for a government loan and getting a loan to cover the full tuition is proving to be impossible, I’m trying to crowd fund as much as possible. Read about and share my journey here.

As I was trying to work out what I could do whilst still resting… I did some drawings inspired by the themes of Grayson Perry’s Art Club. I just felt weirdly guilty for watching and listening to things… though I wish I knew you could get audiobooks from the library on your phone then! It’s just so hard to manage fatigue. So, this week, I have started to work on the podcast interviews. I have finished editing the one I used for the production course I did, and after a panic that I have forgotten everything, I now know what I’m doing again.

I interviewed poet and theatre maker Hannah Jane Walker about her book on sensitivity… and just had to cut it down from over 13,000 words to nearly 5,000 words! I may have to cut it down even more, but it is taking a lot longer than anticipated. Although off-putting in some ways, I have made a note on my to-do list to use the same platform (Otterly) to write transcripts. It won’t take quite as long as I won’t have to edit it down to an article length thankfully!

Freelance Reflections #54

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So, I got back on the bike and have commuted using it every day I’ve gone out (except Tuesday when it was pissing it down with rain and I got an eye infection so bad I had to cancel work… misdiagnosed as conjunctivitis, but actually an eye ulcer, so I’ll have matching eye scars…) I have realised a few things about me and cycling:

  1. I enjoy going for a bike ride far more than using it as a way to commute.
  2. I’m so wary of roads now, I refuse to go on those with traffic, instead annoying pedestrians and (and annoying myself with how bumpy pavements are), so it takes me at least double the time Google says.
  3. It is only marginally quicker than walking, and I don’t even get to listen to music and podcasts.
  4. I feel so anxious before and during, that after my hands ache from holding the handlebar so tight.
  5. I feel much more visible and self-conscious than when walking, when I feel more like I’m in my own world.

Still, I’m proud of myself for trying, and I will try to use it the days I feel I can, which will likely be Monday and Wednesday. Thursday could work, but will also involve some train travel, and I’m not sure how the cycle from Sutton the the centre I work in will feel.

I’m working seven days in a row this week due to holding stalls last Sunday (pictured), where I sold just one book, and two badges… and tomorrow I’ll be at Camberwell Green’s Farmer’s Market, which is fantastic as they invite one artist a week to have a free table! The other ones were SoLo Craft Fair and I paid £60 a pop, plus the very specific and expensive insurance. Help! I spent the time writing my journal, studying Spanish and Turkish (the latter subject really hurt my head), and then spent the last hour doing this doodle. Time well spent, I suppose…

Last weekend, I bought an SE23 badge for me and two of my SE23 friends, as Forest Hill had open studios as part of Sydenham’s art festival. It was between pub one and two on a pub crawl I did with some friends, where we found a pub with amazing bao buns, and another with karaoke, which usually takes place on Thursdays. It’s my longest day, but maybe a sing-song is just what I’ll need some days. We’ll be back.

Lastly, for anyone in Hastings, I’ll be at The Electric Palace on both Friday 24th and Saturday 25th at 8pm, with the Friday being a film screening, showing my poem ‘Grandad’, amongst others, followed by a Q&A. The Saturday will be a poetry set, and it’ll be the first indoor performance in well over a year since I was doing my ‘Circles’ tour, that was halted just a few months in.