Freelance Reflections #36

Last week’s She Grrrowls wasn’t as smooth as usual, but it was nice to see both the poets involved sharing poems, as well as audience members. I made a point of not bringing my laptop away when visiting family in Hastings for a picnic, but ended up writing a draft of a book review for The Norwich Radical on the journey on my phone!

I still worked on Bank Holiday Monday, but on Tuesday I got to use my wetsuit and booties for the first time in the 9-10 degree pool in Brockwell Park. It was so freezing, and strangely difficult to swim more than two lengths at a time. I’d never been in such cold water to my mind.

With less of some work, I’ve been trying to get on top of boring admin tasks, but also been writing a lot more and catching up with NaPoWriMo prompts, as well as attending the amazing Apples and Snakes’ Red Sky Sessions with Bohdan Piasecki, which have so far included Malika Booker and Jacob Sam-La Rose, two absolute poetry heroes.

I found out today that after being longlisted for Butcher’s Dog, I didn’t make the cut, which I’m gutted about. I never expect to be accepted when submitting poems, so to get so close makes it extra disappointing somehow. Then again, it is also all the more reason to try again in future.

To end on a positive note, successfully recorded two poems with Muddy Feet Poetry on Thursday outdoors in Deptford. I had learnt one by heart, and was super nervous, but Pete and Stanley were so lovely and supportive throughout, I felt really happy afterwards.

The main poem we recorded is also part of Free Spirits: Loss in Lockdown, by Jo Sharpe and poet Rachel Sambrooks. There will be a free exhibition at Studio 9 Oaks Park Studios in Carshalton on the 17th and 24th April, which you can register for online on Eventbrite.

It’s a strange experience writing about something like grief and putting it out into the world; sometimes I feel like artists get it because we all do it, but maybe it’s a bit odd to other people, but it is all part of how we process the world and how we connect.

Freelance Reflections #35

One of the perks of being self-employed is that sometimes it’s possible to change around your schedule. Why might you want to do this? In the middle of a national lockdown that feels like all there really is to do is work, when it hits 20-degrees, that’s the reason.

I worked all Sunday, with my eyes to the weather forecast, and met the necessary deadlines. If anything, I wish I had made the most of that sunny Tuesday even more. I did some work until around midday, then headed out to Brockwell Park to read and sunbathe, after having been there for a sunset stroll the night before, and a morning jog. My partner has a balcony, so after lunch there, I continued reading and eating ice-cream until I needed to leave for work.

The next day, I expected at least another couple of hours of sun, but sadly it was more of a grey day. Still, I went for a read and walk in Dulwich Park, and did a little skateboarding too. I also have a lot of the next couple of weeks to catch up with stuff, and begin to put into action some of the writing and studying routines I want to implement into my daily structure.

I attended the first Zoom workshop for the ‘Red Sky Sessions’ by Apples & Snakes, with Bohdan Piasecki, featuring Malika Booker. She spoke a lot about writing routines, so I really have no excuse to not get started this week. Although Bohdan did also say that my diary writing is a valid form of writing!

I also have some good news about a project that I’ve been accepted onto, which feels really great but I’m unsure if I can reveal the details right now. It’ll involve creating and workshopping new material for a show in the summer months, likely at an outdoor venue.

I’ve also managed to memorise the poem I am recording next week, so I just need to keep going over it to really ingrain it into my mind. I don’t find memorising poetry easy (even when it rhymes, as in this case), but it’s something I want to do more, and really requires daily practice to do. At least, for me, like Malika Booker was saying, having such routines means I actually do it, whilst it’s when I slip out of the routine, or at least that intention, that the danger can be to just NEVER get anything done.

Today, I’ve managed to do the work I wanted to do, and will be exploring a new park for a walk, as well as seeing some family outdoors this weekend, despite the disappointing weather. Next week, I’ll be catching up on emails and my many open tabs, as well as making sure to carve out some time for writing projects, whether that be editing or writing.

Tonight is also the next She Grrrowls Instagram Live show. So far, only one person has signed up, which is my fault for putting the word out too late, but hopefully more messages about signing up with come in today. Either way, the show must go on, and I will be back from my walk in good time to get going with it! I did my Instagram Live ‘Poetry Slumber Party’ on Monday, and if anything, it’s funny seeing my face as I get interrupted by my partner accidentally speaking aloud whilst playing a game, and by a knock at the door!

Freelance Reflections #33

This Saturday 20th March I am going to be a special guest on Ibizo Lami’s ‘Self-care Saturdays’ on Instagram Live. The show starts at 3pm and lasts for around half an hour. Simply tune in via the live feed and I’ll be sharing some of my personal self-care tips, especially useful if you have any traits of Borderline Personality.

This week has been a struggle, but I’m dealing with things surprisingly well, and I think that’s thanks to working so much last week, and having a little less work this week. That meant that when I was told that I don’t meet the threshold to get therapy via the NHS for my particular needs (essentially, the therapist told me I do need help, but I would need to pay for it thanks to the lack of resources i.e. fuck the Tories), I was able to finish a painting that I have submitted to Grayson Perry’s Art Club. However, I just realised that I forgot to send a 2-minute video about the piece, so I hope it can still be considered, as you never know!

I also recently found out that a friend who I had sensed was being distant was doing so intentionally, (trust your gut!) and after seeing they had unfollowed me on Instagram, I asked them about it. All my worst fears came true: they didn’t want to talk about it, and it was to do with my ‘intensity’. It sucks having issues with fear of abandonment, so then when someone does essentially abandon you, as well as dealing with the loss of that person, it also reaffirms the negative beliefs about your personality and being “too much, too intense”.

Well, in the words of Beyoncé: ‘I’m just too much for you’.

Being Borderline, it’s hard to not let such things make you think that all friends who you haven’t spoken to in a while are feeling the same way. Talking to another BP babe, they pointed out that the true friends are the ones who stick it out, even when you exhibit such behaviours. Everyone communicates in the wrong way sometimes, and the best way to deal with things is through proper conflict-resolution. If a friend isn’t willing to do that, then you’re probably better off without them anyway. For the first time in my life, my self-esteem is somehow high enough for me to truly believe it is their loss.

‘Footprints’

My painting ‘Footprints’ is for sale on my Big Cartel for £200. Although I am a poet, my book ‘Circles’ features my own illustrations, I completed an Art Foundation Diploma at Central Saint Martins, sold my first painting prior to that, and I’m going to put out another mixed media poetry publication. I hope to carve out more time to combine my poetry with visual art, producing text-based canvases.

Freelance Reflections #32

Does anyone have actual realistic expectations of what they can do in a given time? I tend to expect too much of myself. I’m going through a particular busy period and have lots of deadlines coming up, meaning I’ll have to do paid work for at least a couple of hours over the weekend just to keep afloat.

Only seven pages in after waiting for a blood test appointment & already recommend it!

Without much else to report than the standard work grind, here are some photos of my food from today. Even when I don’t share photos of my food, I still take them. I’m that obsessed. I’m weird. I don’t believe in depriving myself too much, so all I’m doing is trying to manage my portion size. Today I added cocoa to my porridge. I’ve watched Fed Up, so I try to have half a sugar in my tea (unless I’m hungover), knowing I have a sweet tooth. I blended three kiwis with some water and lemon juice for lunch with a slice of toast and poached egg. For dinner, I cooked some fake meatballs with wine stock, beef stock, herbs and passata sauce. I love writing about food, but it does make you hungry. Aside from the pictured, I’ve had two oranges, a handful of walnut halves, and after over five hours of content writing, broken up with lesson planning and lunch, I had a handful of my pic ‘n’ mix too. I’ve tried to get a monthly sharer bag as I think before I got the biggest size possible! And I did not share.

This past week has been eventful in terms of global events, and not in a good way. After International Women’s Day, some media outlets and general public had the audacity to doubt what Meghan Markle said in the Opera interview. What people also seemed to forget is that Prince Harry was also involved in this. It was disgusting to hear about the comments the Royal Family had made about skin colour, and the media’s comparison between Meghan and Kate is a prime example of misogynoir, combining both sexism and racism, pitting the two women against each other and skewing the perspective negatively when Meghan is shown to be doing the same thing. Things as common as eating avocado.

I posted on Instagram about Reclaim These Streets on Saturday at 6pm at Clapham Common Bandstand, and Reclaim The Fight at 6pm in Trafalgar Square, inspired by Reed of Come Curious, posting messages from my phone of a selection of texts with the words “home safe”. This is a vigil in honour of Sarah Everard, whose tragic case has unravelled this week. On Monday, I was walking through Brockwell Park looking at the posters, and now a police officer has been arrested on suspicion of her murder. I cried when I read about her remains being found in Kent.

Yet the Met police even have the audacity to threaten people attending with fines when we have had many demonstrations in the past year that have gone ahead, observing social distancing, and even an anti-lockdown one that couldn’t give a fuck. Most of us spend our lives just getting on, but it’s times like these that we need to take action.

One of my friends also rightly pointed out that missing black women don’t get as much media attention, which leaves it to us to spread the word through social media and the like. Mariam Khan gave a reminder that Blessing Olusegun’s body was found on a beach in Sussex last year, and despite the death being unexplained, the police are not investigating it.

One last thought that I’ve been made more aware of through social media is the importance of language; we need to stop talking about the women who have been murdered and raped. Instead, we need to say men murder women, men rape women. I am done with this passive language.

Freelance Reflections #31

I’m currently offering the chance to win a free copy of my book, ‘Circles’, and to be in with a chance of winning, you should be following me on Instagram, and then like or share this post by midnight on Sunday 7th March. Here are some pictures from the post, celebrating the journey so far, which has seen a 4-star review of the audio, and a 5-star review of the book, as well as some really lovely words that people were generous enough to share with me

Meanwhile, I’m slowly starting to get on top of things to begin my new schedule. I’d love to start next week, but it will also depend on how the weekend goes. I’ve had assessment after assessment for Borderline Personality, and I’m still not getting enough sleep, so I’m feeling very drained as I write this. Alas, the show must go on, and tonight we have a full open mic or both new and returning guests, which is sure to fill me with fire once again!

Freelance Reflections #30

So, I’m currently decompressing after the Living Record Festival finished on Monday! As well as taking part in the festival myself, I also completed a total of 11 show reviews, pretty much all in the last week of the festival. These mini-reviews will be published on The Norwich Radical soon, so you can find out some artists to follow.

Here are some final images from listeners… though rather unusually, two printed with a black background, and one listener, unable to print, drew her own version. Next, I’m hoping to record a binaural version with the Living Record, and potentially put out a more permanent version of the audio. Watch this space!

I still have over 25 copies of the illustrated poem available in book form from Burning Eye Books, signed directly from me on my Big Cartel shop. Meanwhile, I’m looking to begin a new schedule realistically by the second week of March, which will allow me to carve more space for creativity.

Freelance Reflections #29

It’s the final few days of the Living Record Festival, and I’ve received my first review of the festival! The Reviews Hub writer Maryam Philpott reviewed my piece ‘Circles’. I found out via Twitter, seeing my photo (taken by Tyrone Lewis) and the four lovely little stars. I told my family straight away, and my dad, who’s a history teacher, immediately knew she was also a historian and author of ‘Air, Sea and Power in World War I’. How exciting! I’ve also managed to get a press pass to write some reviews of other shows for The Norwich Radical, so I can listen to as many as I can squeeze in until the end of the festival.

Aside from this, and doing a bit of a takeover tomorrow for The Bedford Place’s Instagram on Saturday, this week has been less hectic than others, though I’m still trying to get on top of things so that perhaps by March I may be able to test out a new schedule that will seek to bring more creativity into my life. Although I’d love to create a binaural version of ‘Circles’, moving forward, I’m looking towards other ongoing projects, including prose, poetry and a spoken word show.

For some reason, these have been printed with a black background, but here are a couple more activities I’ve been sent. You have until Monday 22nd February to ‘Circles’ and send me your designs via @carminamasoliver on Instagram or head to my contact page for other ways to get in touch. You just need to print out the design and colour with pens, pencils, felt tips – whatever you have at hand!

Freelance Reflections #27

The third week of the Living Record Festival has come and gone, with nearly 10 tickets sold so far, and some kind words from Sally Proctor, the Community Director at Slung Low. I hope to see some more colourful pictures in the final week. Please listen to ‘Circles’ and send me your designs via @carminamasoliver on Instagram.

Last week was also my grandad’s funeral; it was and is surreal and sad, but the sun shined that day. I’ve been watching films like ‘Saint Frances’ and ‘The Book of Life’, and have felt exhausted and overwhelmed, trying to be kind to myself, but still not fully giving myself what I needed. I listened a lot to podcasts like ‘The Good Grief Podcast’ with Alex Di Cuffa, and Griefcast with Cariad Lloyd.

On Friday, I tried to be kind to myself, knowing I had She Grrrowls on Instagram Live in the evening. I took myself off for a walk to my local park to make the most of the sunny weather, and as my grandad also had a sweet tooth, having eaten some lemon curd biscuits in his honour on the day of the funeral, before She Grrrowls, I made myself a hot drink to have with some shortbread biscuits and a blackcurrant and apple pie.

I was glad I didn’t cancel She Grrrowls, as with nine acts on the open mic, it was a full house. I read a poem about Yorkshire that my grandad had written, and a poem I’d written for him as part of his eulogy. In speaking of death and grief, I’ve also shared one of my favourite books on sadness: Sad Book by Michael Rosen.

As I write now, there is a flurry of snow outside my windows, and I’m safely inside after a long walk to Greenwich yesterday, covering 19km. Any sun soon turned to cloud and then rain. Exhausted, I had an array of Korean dishes for dinner, and played the ‘7 Wonders’ board game a couple of times. It is the unbelievableness of the situation that allows me to enjoy these moments, but at other times I lean into the grief, allow myself to feel the shock and sadness of such unexpected loss.

Freelance Reflections #26

It’s the second week of Living Record Festival, and after just five ticket sales, I’m being reminded that it’s better than nothing, and to hold on to the reasons why we do this, why we create and put it out to the world. It’s not the number of connections, but the connections themselves. So, I’m holding on to this lovely comment I’ve been given permission to share from Jodie Adams.

I’ve reached out to family members, which has been encouraging. After over a decade in poetry, it gets harder to ask for support from friends and family. A part of you thinks, shouldn’t you have an audience by now? Shouldn’t you not need them anymore? These kinds of thoughts can lead to a bad spiral, so sometimes it’s best to just ask directly, appreciate those who give the time, and understand those who don’t.

So far, my maternal grandmother and one of my cousins have sent me pictures of how they listened. I love how my gran has put her margarita inside the circle as something she loves, and how both of them have created such a nice space to give themselves that 15-minutes to focus on listening and colouring.

When you buy the audio stream of Circles, for £5 as well as the audio and the Zoom Q&A, you get a copy of this black and white PDF of the book cover to colour in and draw inside, following the instructions. I also had a go at it myself and just about got the flowers coloured in by the end, finishing with this new doodle that was inspired by an exercise my friend Natalie Cooper (who illustrated the She Grrrowls anthology poems). I have often doodled and actually, as someone who is more of a conceptual artist (when it comes to visual art, this is always what I say, tongue-in-cheek, having illustrated my ‘Circles’ book myself), this is something I’d love to do more in an active way. After talking to someone else about their art therapy, which sounded like it incorporated similar techniques, I find it fascinating how doodling allows the free flow of moment without a plan, in a way that is so opposite to how I often work and live.

Lastly, I also want to recommend the film ‘Soul’. With everything that is happening in my life and other people’s lives at the moment, it was just so heart-warming and appropriate. I also recommend the short film on Disney + that goes into the background of the film.

17.01.21 – 22.02.21

Audio of ‘Circles’ (Burning Eye Books, 2019) as part of the Living Record Festival. Buy tickets here.