Do you want the good news or bad news first? Well, the good news is that I feel reassured about my work situation. After I had found out that I didn’t get the scholarship for university, it didn’t quite hit me until I had a meeting with my personal tutor, where I started crying. However, I managed to get myself into a place mentally where I wasn’t worried, and could reassure myself that the work would pick up. Either that, or the escitalopram kicking in.
Sure enough, I’m on my way to getting enough work that will mean that I should be able to live and pay my tuition fees – I’ve got more tuition work, which is mainly alternative education provision at the moment, and I’ve even got some casual work doing Lego parties for children! I’m also doing a workshop online for Apples & Snakes next week, which I’m really excited about!
However, the work is still expected to be up and down, especially given holidays, and I will still need to be on a strict cabbage budget in order to make this work. I’ll still be asking for donations to my crowdfund campaign, which recently got two big ones that will help me pay off my January fees, and I’ll still be plugging my books. Speaking of books, here’s what I read last year!
The last month has been a tough one, but I am happy with my choices. My training to become an Art Therapist is getting more intense, but it feels very right. I’m currently cat sitting for a friend, which has been nice, and this month’s work will mean I am earning enough by the end of next month! I’m eagerly waiting to hear back this month about the scholarship.
I went to Barcelona for a few days to visit family for an important event to honour my abuelito, Juan Antonio Masoliver. Whilst there, I sprained my foot really badly and he gave me one of his walking sticks, so I could keep walking! I read a poem of mine (which I’ll send out soon on my mailing list) after my uncle made a short speech (his in Spanish, mine in English). Most of the language was Catalan, which I don’t know at all sadly. I started making a butterfly cross-stitch whilst there, but it’s my first one!
I haven’t written an update on Carmina’s Cantata in a while, and as I’m back to it after a bit of a break, I thought I’d write a little on what I’m doing, as well as some more general stuff. So, after the festival, I didn’t listen to my body. I had an amazing massage should have gone home to rest, but I went to the Taking Back Sunday, Alkaline Trio and Destroy Boys gig… which I’m pretty sure if where I then got Covid! Made worse by going to see Funeral For A Friend the following week! I’d gone so long without it, I even thought maybe I’d had it but been asymptomatic. It was rough. It’s the second-worst illness I’ve had (the other being a kind of relative of Glandular Fever). I’m still struggling with the fatigue and my lungs don’t feel 100% when exercising. At one point I even got mixed messages about going to A&E, but I waited until Monday to see a doctor and it turned out that I just rushed into exercise. I’m feeling super tired right now and hoping I’m getting the balance right, as it’s something I struggle with.
I’d had to cancel my poetry gigs at SHEreos of Lewisham and R.A.P. Party, but I was at least able to watch The Albany stream, where an audio of my poem I’d recorded in the day was played, and a couple of people told me that my poem was one of their favourites. It was a joy to see people dancing to my chosen tracks as well. I was able to see the SHEReos of Lewisham exhibition with my poem in it the following weekend at Crofton Park Community Library. I have also been accepted onto the MA in Art Psychotherapy at Goldsmiths. As I’m not eligible for a government loan and getting a loan to cover the full tuition is proving to be impossible, I’m trying to crowd fund as much as possible. Read about and share my journey here.
As I was trying to work out what I could do whilst still resting… I did some drawings inspired by the themes of Grayson Perry’s Art Club. I just felt weirdly guilty for watching and listening to things… though I wish I knew you could get audiobooks from the library on your phone then! It’s just so hard to manage fatigue. So, this week, I have started to work on the podcast interviews. I have finished editing the one I used for the production course I did, and after a panic that I have forgotten everything, I now know what I’m doing again.
I interviewed poet and theatre maker Hannah Jane Walker about her book on sensitivity… and just had to cut it down from over 13,000 words to nearly 5,000 words! I may have to cut it down even more, but it is taking a lot longer than anticipated. Although off-putting in some ways, I have made a note on my to-do list to use the same platform (Otterly) to write transcripts. It won’t take quite as long as I won’t have to edit it down to an article length thankfully!
After doing well with the updates, I’m very late with this one due to a horrible cold. I’m hoping that I’ll be recovered by my birthday this Friday – my final day of antibiotics! I’ll likely keep this one short as I’ve only managed to do about an hour a day of content writing until today, when I’ve done about 3-4 hours. I’ll do some more tomorrow as I’ve had some work cancel due to my colleagues being off for Eid. It’s nice to know that I might be in Allah’s good books, especially as my partner is from a Muslim background. Hopefully it’s also a sign that their parents will like me despite being a heathen.
As I’ve had to cancel so much tutoring work in order to recover, basically having been off a whole week, losing hundreds of pounds, I would greatly appreciate book purchases from my Big Cartel. I can make a dedication of your choice and sign it if you purchase through this way. You can even PayPal me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you’re feeling generous! When I am feeling better, I would be happy to provide you with your very own bespoke poem for a donation of £10 or more. Remember, my latest published book ‘Circles’ from Burning Eye for £10, and I’ve also just put out a mixed media poetry pamphlet, ‘Selected Poems: 2007 – 2012’ (it’s $10, so the price is cheaper in pounds). My most recent painting, ‘Footsteps’ is also available for £200.
I’m meant to be walking 300,000 steps in the month of May to raise money for Leading Lights, so I’ll have a lot of catching up to do when I’m fully recovered! After a couple of days of celebrations, I hope to walk to Peckham for the vintage poster market and a hot chocolate at The Melange, and maybe check out some of the Dulwich Art Festival. I’ve found it very difficult being ill, and also feel I easily overwhelm myself with plans. If I’m not working, I’m doing SOMETHING. I need to learn that I really need my me-time, and the self-care on a regular basis. Rather than constantly going from work to busy activities, I need to listen to my body and my soul. I need to realise that I may need more down-time that over people, and not beat myself up about it.
There are many ways I am taking care of myself, but it’s just not good enough when you continue in bloody-minded stubbornness to pretend nothing’s wrong, and work through Sunday and most of the week thinking that honey and lemon and garlic will cure a cold without RESTING. I need to remember the time I was so badly ill with what started as a sore throat and cold that my blood cell count needed monitoring for leukemia. I get really anxious when sick because of this. Although the illness ended up being some kind of sickness related to glandular fever, it was never really diagnosed, but I know that if I don’t take more care, this is how people end up with ME. I need to give myself rest BEFORE I don’t have a choice and am sapped from energy.
Lastly (aware this has gone on longer than intended… my energy is coming back – wahey!) – poetry pal and ex-team member and co-host for She Grrrowls Ibizo Lami, is doing loads of stuff at the moment. As well as Self-Care Saturday Instagram Live sessions, a nf a forthcoming poetry publication, she’s also fundraising to bring a new show ‘Chosen Family’ as part of the Living Record’s Brighton Fringe digital programme. She’s nearly half-way and has until the end of the month to fund it, so go ahead and donate now.
A free night of music, comedy, poetry and dance, featuring:
Carol Prior (compere), Chris Fraser, Carmina Masoliver, Miranda Gavin, Las Pasionarias, JC McFee, Mellow Baku, Alice Denny.
We will be raising money for The Penny Beale Memorial Fund, which has been created to preserve and protect the physical and mental health of persons who are or have been victims of domestic violence and to advance the education of the public, including local authorities and voluntary bodies, by the provision of information, advice and training programmes into the causes, remedies and prevention of domestic violence. Charity No. 1110528.