Things have picked up again and I thought I’d start by reflecting on my resolutions so far. I’m not doing perfectly, but the one I am really pleased with is the social media one as I thought it would be really difficult, but I’m really enjoying not going on it and keeping it to just a specific time. The ones I’m finding more difficult are putting things back where they belong (currently a bunch of jewellery beside my bed) and managing portion sizes (because I’m used to eating a certain amount and not in the habit of having regular snacks, so tend to be extra hungry come dinner time)! Sleep is still an issue and I’ve found allowing for spontaneity difficult too.
Titanosaurus
Last Friday I wasn’t working, so I went to three exhibitions! I’ll write in more detail about each of them on my Instagram at some point (it will take a while with my designated day), but it included the Titanosaurus exhibition at the Natural History Museum, where I learnt a lot of interesting things, but didn’t get to go on the games as kids were hogging them! I saw Sarah Lucas: Happy Gas at Tate Britain, whose work I had studied at college. After a hot chocolate break, I went to Re/Sisters, at The Barbican, which was so extensive it took me two hours to get through!
Happy Gas
I spent most of the weekend getting on top of things for the week ahead, but also went for a spa day with my mum, which was lovely! I’ve been to the Montcalm a few times, and this time we had Sunday roast at the rooftop restaurant The Aviary, which was delicious.
Mathis Richet
This week it’s all be back on: admin for She Grrrowls events (with a major hiccup to sort out), tutoring clients, university, clinical placement, essay and debate research and writing, and writing a new ACE application. Then on top of that, trying to keep on top of household chores. I’m pretty zonked and looking forward to a relaxing bath tonight!
Josèfa Ntjam at Re/Sisters
Watching: Da Vinci’s Demons, The Traitors, The Simpsons
Reading: The Revealing Image by Joy Schaverian, Approaches to Art Therapy by Judith Aron Rubin, and Little Boxes by Cecilia Knapp
I’ve had a busy break, travelling from SE to SW London, staying two nights, then to Hastings and back in one day via a present swap keeping distance with Covid cousins in Tonbridge, followed by two nights in Yorkshire and home via a final family visit in Nottingham, before back to SW then home in SE London! I had to be organised and unpack for my partner’s return, managing to squeeze in a couple of episodes of Yoh! Christmas! and bath before their return.
Now it’s back to work and I’ve had three students back to back and I’m now going to have some celebrations with my partner, going to Winter Wonderland and hosting a small NYE party tomorrow! Then I’ve actually scheduled in an actual duvet day of pure rest… let’s see how well I’ll do at that! It can be really hard to relax when you feel like there’s always something to do, which, for all its advantages, is a big issue with freelance life. Wish me luck!
Watching: Leave the World Behind, Yoh! Christmas!, Candy Cane Lane
Reading: Cat Person and You Know You Want This by Kristen Roupenian
Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah and On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m writing on the bus to the third of four students of today. Things have been so busy I’ve barely had time to plan my lessons, even with some cancellations. Rather, at times I’ve been so focussed on my current course that I’ve kind of got swept up in everything and the lessons have crept up on me.
Artwork by my dad after dream machine ✨
I met my first client on my clinical placement, which I was pretty nervous about. I’ve reflected on the balance between being prepared practically and the nervous feelings of never feeling ready enough. I felt a huge relief of having this “first” and feel very affirmed at my choice of pathway. It’s already so interesting and I am hopeful about helping people in this way.
Enjoying these leaf patterns
I also went to Dream Machine again with my dad for his birthday. I was feeling tired after seeing family again on the Sunday over egg mayo, avocado and challah (a Jewish bread typically eaten on Fridays).
Spotify Wrapped revealed my top artist as Ashnikko, being in the top 0.1% of listeners worldwide! I saw her at Ally Pally on Thursday and it was incredible! I’d seen her in a basement club before a few years ago and it was such a joy to see her in this place, and I had a lot of fun! I loved seeing how crazy and colourful the crowd was and was also glad for the chance to change out of my work clothes into something a bit more glittery!
Things feel like they’re slowly coming into place. Although I’m only just staying afloat when some work gets cancelled, I also know that’s because I have had other things on my plate and there will come a time where I will have to shift priorities. At the moment, I am still able to make some time for friends’ birthdays and things, but I also have to work on accepting that I may even disappoint people or let people down, and trust that true friends will be there. I often feel heavy with responsibility, to the extent that others even expect me to be responsible for that which isn’t even mine, especially when that responsibility is joint.
Last weekend was challenging for health reasons as well as transport issues, but I managed to get away to Hastings, where I saw family and friends, and actually felt like I had some rest. I then spent the week in the routine of work, studies and placement – weirdly, I was online for most of it, with just a morning at the building. I needed that on Thursday when I had She Grrrowls in the evening! It was the most well-attended event at Catford Mews, so I’m hoping things can keep going in the new year.
Right now, I feel very overwhelmed. I’m only just keeping afloat due to work being cancelled and my flat is still not sorted, but it’s slowly getting there. I’m due to go away, but it’s hard when I’m not in the right headspace. I want to make time for friends and family, but all I really want to to build my routines.
At least seeing friends for birthdays!
I’m still trying to build my work up, but I’m also still wondering how I’ll manage everything, and having dipped into the money I’m saving for tuition fees, I’m also worried about how I’ll save the rest of the fees for the end of April 2024.
Meet some cool people at a Halloween Party 👻
Aside from the money and the flat issues, I’ve also got a hospital appointment on Saturday. I’ve been so focussed on everything else, I’ve not given it much thought, but I’m trying to hope for the best. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed by starting my placement, but I think a lot of it has to do with the mess in the flat. I feel so much better when everything is clean and tidy! I’m curious what it will be like once I’ve started the actual client work.
She Grrrowls is hopefully slowly growing at Catford Mews. It’s such a lovely venue, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the acts I’ve put on and it’s such a joy to see people come back on the open mic too! I usually don’t really feel like it on my way, but when I get there, I always feel better, and at the end, it feels like we’ve achieved something, however small.
Three Years Later… Pink Hair Again
Last weekend was very eventful. I thought I would celebrate my three-year anniversary more and stay local, but instead I went solo along to the protest for Palestine. Like many, I’ve had so many sleepless nights at the extremity of the situation at the moment. I’ve been conscious of this since secondary school, yet still confused of its complexities. But like many others, I couldn’t stay home that day. I felt I had to stand up and be counted in order to show solidarity for Palestine and all civilians, to urge Israel to end the ceasefire.
I worked both mornings that weekend. Saturday ended on eating homemade sushi in front of the film Elemental. Sunday, I saw some sun whilst with some fellow art psychotherapy trainees. In central again, I enjoyed passing by a sign in a park saying ‘Welcome to Lambeth’, which is the Borough I’m doing my placement in. We played board games and strolled along the southbank.
I returned to the Horniman, where I spotted a dinosaur – something that seems to have become important in our cohort’s collective experience. I made a lovely roast, which lasted for two dinners.
Aside from the usual, I had my first week on placement, which is a strange hybrid of in-person and online. With a friend working as a social worker on the NHS, I should have gathered this, but it all is so new to me – both the kind of work, and the office environment. I reflected on this a lot through images.
I’m planning to do some artmaking now, but I feel quite overwhelmed at the moment, especially with my flat situation still being all over the place with the bedbug saga. I don’t know whether I should pressure myself or just work on getting things ready and set up for me to feel better about the space. Stating placement, I’ve had to say goodbye to one student, whose funding finished as it was. I also lost another suddenly, and I’m struggling to hear back from another.
Goodbye Gift
I’ve worked out the need to save around £136 per month to save for my remaining uni frees this year. That’s a lot less than I expected, thanks to some generous donations and getting a tax refund! However, it’s still a significant stress on top of rent and bills when on placement twice a week, without much time for paid work. Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!
I’m back at university on Tuesdays and awaiting my placement to start on Wednesdays and Thursdays, wondering how I’m able to fill the time with so much and yet still lack time to read. It’s hopefully the last bedbug treatment today. I never want to go through this again, so I hope that TfL and other services are being rigorous about inspecting and treating transport etc. seeing as London Mayor Sadiq Khan has stated it is a cause for concern.
I’m now working Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays, which leaves the Sabbath as my only day of rest. Realistically, it won’t exactly be rest. It will be occasionally facilitating Lego parties. It will be making response art and studying. It will be ironing and food prep and other household chores . I’m likely to put aside my desire to always shop locally at the grocers and so on, and will probably start ordering online more for convenience. I’m still socialising here and there, but I will probably have to streamline this and hope my friends will still be there at the end, maybe revert back to phone calls to stay connected. Thankfully, I do have some local friends too.
She Grrrowls October 2023
I spent most of last weekend reading my course books in my spare time actually, and have now finished one book from the whole course. I also had training at a new agency I’ve signed up with for tutoring, which could prove to be more lucrative that my current array of agencies. Lastly, She Grrrowls returned to the Catford Mews, which is going to be every second Thursday in November, February, March and April. It was great! Leilah King was an excellent headliner and I felt so happy afterwards! Until I got off the bus and a bunch of drunk men seemed to saying “oi” to me, then encroached towards me, but thankfully I got through my door and they went onwards to the only pub in the area that has security outside…
So, I haven’t written in over two months. The last time I wrote, I said it had been a quieter period. As you can imagine this has been quite the opposite.
I am still working on a lot of the different things I have intended to work on outside of my course. I also made a big reading list and printed off the university reading list for the summer, and only now am I really able to have some time, which I hope will mean that I can read after having given myself a break.
I spent July tutoring and teaching English as a foreign language. I had quite a few busy weekends as one of my school friends got married in Cornwall and I celebrated my gran’s birthday in Rye.
Love love 💕
I also did two weeks of nannying, which was exhausting, but a big learning experience too, working with children in a context outside of education, ahead of my CAMHs placement.
When I looked back in my diary, I had also scheduled in some rest, but this was because I was physically unwell. It dragged on and on, but I couldn’t afford not to work.
I also got my hair bleached, which I don’t think particularly suits me. It’s a blonde ombré, I believe, but I got it done because I missed having my dip dyed hair and I am quite a low maintenance person and it’s fun, but also easier to maintain than the under died bits I had previously.
Needs some Barbie-pink!
I went to Rally festival even though I wasn’t feeling 100%. I was really disappointed that Festival didn’t communicate that Princess Nokia had had to pull out because I really wouldn’t have gone in order to preserve my energy. We didn’t even know that she’d pulled out because they didn’t inform people via email, but only on social media. We just waited at the stage and people were going on about someone else and we were really confused. I had been so looking forward to seeing Princess Nokia, having missed her the couple of other times that my friends have gone to see her.
The day after I finished work, I headed to the airport to go to Türkiye. It was my partner’s 30th birthday and it was such a privilege to go to his home country. We spent a lot of time with his friends and family, and travelled around a few places not too far from Istanbul. It has inspired me to put more effort into learning the language as I spent a fair bit of time not knowing what was going on. As well as some sightseeing in Istanbul, we also got three proper beach days we went to the island Bozcaada for two nights and Heybeliada for a day. I ate such good food and I feel very grateful to have had a whole mix of home-cooked meals and been treated to delicious dishes that I wouldn’t have otherwise discovered, as well as a few personal fines on a little island get-away.
Making partner be a tourist in his own country
Once I returned, I had some time to myself, but I didn’t get much at first, as I went to All Points East to see The Strokes, where I was really gutted to have stupidly been at the wrong stage, missing Be Your Own Pet, who I was really looking forward to seeing. I have also now accepted that The Strokes on that great live. girl in red stole the show for me and really just made the whole experience worthwhile, as well as spending time with two of my favourite Nats (who we discovered have the same second name too!)
Friends and Festivals
The next day I was in Portsmouth for two nights working at Victorious Festival. I did bar work and I hadn’t done bar work for a long time and maybe it was the festival vibes, but I really enjoyed it, and met one person I wanted to keep in touch with, and having just bumped into her after not thinking I’d see her ever again, I had to ask! I was really fortunate to have a shift on the Saturday, facing the stage where I got to see the likes of Kate Nash and Kasabian. I wasn’t so lucky on the second day when I was at a bar facing the opposite direction. We had to open loads of cans, and even more so on that particular bar and so all of my fingernails broke off by the end of it and it was really painful as I had been moved from a good bar to a rubbish one, I was feeling quite pissed off, to be honest, as well as a couple of times where I was spoken down to, which I didn’t appreciate. However, aside from a couple of people, most of the festival-goers were in an infectious good mood and it was actually quite difficult to stay grumpy!
Portsmouth
On the bank holiday, Monday. I had a student that I had to visit. Unfortunately they weren’t engaged, so I didn’t get to tutor them. However, once I came home, I did some lesson planning for the week ahead. I ended up having to switch that around because the group I was teaching wasn’t as expected. But I did two weeks of online lessons teaching English as a foreign language and although there were difficulties because a lot of the teenagers didn’t like to be on screen, and so it felt more disconnected than in person, overall I really enjoyed it. I also stayed with my parents as I could do it remotely, so that was a plus.
I had a lot of chores to do around the flat and I was really needing some me time, but I had a really great day going to Whitechapel Gallery to see an exhibition going to Bi Pride with a friend and bumping into a few poets there, and then I saw a fantastic film Scrapper on my own a Catford Mews, the cinema where I host She Grrrowls. I also noticed, the guy who runs the comedy night a couple of seats down for me also on his own, which made me laugh, the fact that we both are watching Scrapper on our own making the most of the £3 tickets. As the tickets were sold cheap, I had actually bought two thinking that I would be able to find someone to come with me at short notice, which was very wishful thinking, as someone in their 30s.
Bi Pride
The following week I started with some students in addition to the teaching I was already doing. I also saw the new biopic about Amy Winehouse, but I can’t say no more about that right now. I’ve also been doing some Lego parties and had some time to see friends and family, as well as have some me-time at the Lido to make the most of the good weather.
I have now been balancing students with getting top on top of other things. It’s amazing how full everything can be, even when I haven’t started university on my placement or completely sorted, my schedule of students for the remaining days, I’ve been dealing with a lot of difficult and time-consuming things with my flat. This has been really stressful, put a strain on my relationship and it’s also still ongoing. Thankfully I’ve managed to ask if I can delay my placement until this stuff is sorted, which should be mid-October, so, I really am trying to get through this time until then and that’s honestly just what it feels like. I’ve been so overwhelmed, to the point of giving up. But I put on my insect socks as I bagged up everything for fumigation (yes, we’ve had bed bugs, amongst a broken down washing machine, leaking ceiling and more…) because you’ve got to have a sense of humour when shit hits the fan.
Canvas & Cream, Forest Hill
But I am trying to find some joy where I can, whether that’s just now having seen a friend who is also a neighbour, having some hot chocolate and cake, or whether it’s having some me-time with a bath and a book, or enjoying the routine I have with my partner of having dinner and watching something on Netflix, or finding ways to deal with my emotions like writing in my phone what I’m feeling at that time to self-regulate, or finally getting out my sketchbook and drawing whilst listening to an audiobook. On top of the things that I have these goals to do, I think I need to accept that until I have the stuff sorted with my living situation, that my priorities might shift and that’s okay and I can practice gratitude in that I have this time now to have that flexibility, to support my partner at a time when he doesn’t have that luxury, and perhaps I will get more into that routine once the stress has simmered down.
Last week was less intense due to work cancellations. I had She Grrrowls on the Thursday and the private view for the Goldsmiths exhibition on the Friday. Where I could, I came in to held more with the exhibition, with Monday being sanding and painting boards, Tuesday finishing and placing the artwork, Thursday putting up some finishing touches, and Friday the same again, with the addition of making labels.
She Grrrowls was small, but mighty. I will try to keep going with the Catford Mews venue if I can. I just really loved having Phoebe Wagner feature, connecting to her Spanish heritage, and appreciated the Sims reference. I am also hoping to cook up another bigger project. I’m not on top of my emails, but when I have free time, I want to balance it between books in the sun, and creative projects in the rain. Time just seems to ebb away so quickly.
All the performers from June’s She Grrrowls
Although I had to correct a spelling mistake on my artwork (and had already paid to get a print) when I invigilated yesterday, I was really pleased to see people engage with my work. I invited people to think about their defence mechanisms and sculpt fruit to represent it. At the private view, I suddenly felt quite vulnerable and exposed, even though the work wasn’t personal, I wanted people to like the concept and so I took the engagement as positive feedback.
Baby All-Clay-Gone!
I also went to the Dance and Movement Psychotherapy show, which I loved and also included a lot of visuals and provided a lot of insight into the practice. I wished there was more of a chance to make connections with the course as I’m more interested in an integrated approach to other expressive arts therapies whether dance, music, performance art or visual art.
I can’t believe next week is She Grrrowls! I’ve just discovered this video of Phoebe Wagner’s poem ‘Raul’ from Muddy Feet Poetry. I love it especially as I can relate to the struggle of having Spanish heritage, but not being able to speak the language (though my poem, published in The Rialto, my name in an english accent, looks at this from the perspective of having a Spanish name, whilst this poem is kind of about the opposite). If you’re reading this, you must be a dedicated fan haha, so please do buy a ticket and/or spread the word about the event on Thursday 15th June!
I went to the Apples & Snakes takeover at The Roundhouse. It was such a great day, and so lovely to go with one of my course-mates who also writes poetry! I said hello to a few people and didn’t feel too anxious, at least when approached. I went to the hub events mainly, which were such interesting workshops – yoga and writing, a glorious vocal sound bath, and life writing (writing to movement). The final event was really special, with many of the acts performing bespoke sets.
I’m coming to the end of my first year training to be an Art Psychotherapist, with groups closing, feedback gradually coming in, and our exhibition next week – the private view being the day after She Grrrowls! I don’t feel ready, but I’ve managed to spend some cancelled lessons in the sun reading, so hope to have more time to read up on material, particularly that related to my placement.
I’ve been feeling really fatigued the last few day, suffering with stomach cramps, and trouble sleeping. Waiting for Gabor Mate’s latest book to come out on paperback, I felt drawn to read ‘When The Body Says No’. I’m also currently listening to ‘Period Power’ by Maisie Hill, and at the moment, despite some social plans, I’m leaning into solitude and looking forward to doing more reading over the weekend. I never have cramps with my periods, so I’m hoping this isn’t going to happen every month. It has felt so debilitating.
Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer. 