Right now, I feel very overwhelmed. I’m only just keeping afloat due to work being cancelled and my flat is still not sorted, but it’s slowly getting there. I’m due to go away, but it’s hard when I’m not in the right headspace. I want to make time for friends and family, but all I really want to to build my routines.
At least seeing friends for birthdays!
I’m still trying to build my work up, but I’m also still wondering how I’ll manage everything, and having dipped into the money I’m saving for tuition fees, I’m also worried about how I’ll save the rest of the fees for the end of April 2024.
Meet some cool people at a Halloween Party 👻
Aside from the money and the flat issues, I’ve also got a hospital appointment on Saturday. I’ve been so focussed on everything else, I’ve not given it much thought, but I’m trying to hope for the best. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed by starting my placement, but I think a lot of it has to do with the mess in the flat. I feel so much better when everything is clean and tidy! I’m curious what it will be like once I’ve started the actual client work.
She Grrrowls is hopefully slowly growing at Catford Mews. It’s such a lovely venue, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the acts I’ve put on and it’s such a joy to see people come back on the open mic too! I usually don’t really feel like it on my way, but when I get there, I always feel better, and at the end, it feels like we’ve achieved something, however small.
Three Years Later… Pink Hair Again
Last weekend was very eventful. I thought I would celebrate my three-year anniversary more and stay local, but instead I went solo along to the protest for Palestine. Like many, I’ve had so many sleepless nights at the extremity of the situation at the moment. I’ve been conscious of this since secondary school, yet still confused of its complexities. But like many others, I couldn’t stay home that day. I felt I had to stand up and be counted in order to show solidarity for Palestine and all civilians, to urge Israel to end the ceasefire.
I worked both mornings that weekend. Saturday ended on eating homemade sushi in front of the film Elemental. Sunday, I saw some sun whilst with some fellow art psychotherapy trainees. In central again, I enjoyed passing by a sign in a park saying ‘Welcome to Lambeth’, which is the Borough I’m doing my placement in. We played board games and strolled along the southbank.
I returned to the Horniman, where I spotted a dinosaur – something that seems to have become important in our cohort’s collective experience. I made a lovely roast, which lasted for two dinners.
Aside from the usual, I had my first week on placement, which is a strange hybrid of in-person and online. With a friend working as a social worker on the NHS, I should have gathered this, but it all is so new to me – both the kind of work, and the office environment. I reflected on this a lot through images.
I’m planning to do some artmaking now, but I feel quite overwhelmed at the moment, especially with my flat situation still being all over the place with the bedbug saga. I don’t know whether I should pressure myself or just work on getting things ready and set up for me to feel better about the space. Stating placement, I’ve had to say goodbye to one student, whose funding finished as it was. I also lost another suddenly, and I’m struggling to hear back from another.
Goodbye Gift
I’ve worked out the need to save around £136 per month to save for my remaining uni frees this year. That’s a lot less than I expected, thanks to some generous donations and getting a tax refund! However, it’s still a significant stress on top of rent and bills when on placement twice a week, without much time for paid work. Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!
Next week I’m officially starting my clinical placement at the NHS! Due to confidentiality and professional boundaries, it’s likely I won’t be able to share too much from these experiences in terms of specifics, so I won’t be able to be as open as is my nature.
Early rises
Post-bedbugs – hopefully – I’ve had to do a lot of cleaning and putting everything back… basically like moving house, except with the anxiety of still having pests in the home! One day, I did 10,000 steps in the flat within the space of 4-5 hours of this.
So 30s is seeing friends 1-2 times per year
I’ve lost a lot of time in that way, but I’ve also gained some time with lesson cancellations. All the while, I’m wondering how I’m going to balance everything now it’s all happening! I’ll have one Sundays “off”, but this will need to largely be spent studying, and inevitably doing chores and getting things ready for the week ahead.
My basic schedule starts off nicely on a Monday with therapy in the morning, followed by afternoon/evening tutoring work. I’m at university on Tuesdays, with Wednesdays and Thursdays being my placement days. Friday, I’ve also carved some time in the morning for yoga, with tuition work from late morning to the evening.
More Sunday reading sessions at the Horniman
Saturdays, from mid—November will also be spent tutoring from the early morning until the late afternoon / early evening. Some Sundays I still have Lego parties, so I will likely cut back on these as they aren’t as reliable, so I really need to prioritise the tuition work, which is also more grounding as it means returning to a regular place of work at someone’s home, rather than going all over the place.
I’m back at university on Tuesdays and awaiting my placement to start on Wednesdays and Thursdays, wondering how I’m able to fill the time with so much and yet still lack time to read. It’s hopefully the last bedbug treatment today. I never want to go through this again, so I hope that TfL and other services are being rigorous about inspecting and treating transport etc. seeing as London Mayor Sadiq Khan has stated it is a cause for concern.
I’m now working Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays, which leaves the Sabbath as my only day of rest. Realistically, it won’t exactly be rest. It will be occasionally facilitating Lego parties. It will be making response art and studying. It will be ironing and food prep and other household chores . I’m likely to put aside my desire to always shop locally at the grocers and so on, and will probably start ordering online more for convenience. I’m still socialising here and there, but I will probably have to streamline this and hope my friends will still be there at the end, maybe revert back to phone calls to stay connected. Thankfully, I do have some local friends too.
She Grrrowls October 2023
I spent most of last weekend reading my course books in my spare time actually, and have now finished one book from the whole course. I also had training at a new agency I’ve signed up with for tutoring, which could prove to be more lucrative that my current array of agencies. Lastly, She Grrrowls returned to the Catford Mews, which is going to be every second Thursday in November, February, March and April. It was great! Leilah King was an excellent headliner and I felt so happy afterwards! Until I got off the bus and a bunch of drunk men seemed to saying “oi” to me, then encroached towards me, but thankfully I got through my door and they went onwards to the only pub in the area that has security outside…
At the moment, countless things are going wrong with my living situation, which has been time consuming, costly and is causing me ongoing stress. This won’t be fully sorted until towards the end of next month, so I’m just trying to get through this period, and really hoping things will improve then. Thankfully, I have been able to delay the start of my placement. Just today, I’ve been given the all clear to go ahead, but if I can make sure that I am in a better space physically and mentally before I start, then I should be kind to myself and allow it.
My inspirational younger cousin – a fellow artist and writer – before jetting off to Bulgaria
With the time I’ve had before the new term kicks off, I’ve been setting up my work and have been completing a new ACE application. If it pays off, it will be really helpful to pay my training fees, giving me consistency and also doing something I love. I also had a breakthrough moment with one of my students, who I will have to stop tutoring due to my placement starting, but it’s so great to see their confidence improve. I’ve also had a couple of successful interview to get on a couple more agency’s books.
Bug socks, because you have to keep your sense of humour to get you through the bad times
However, I’ve also had some creative disappointments too. I didn’t make it onto the Southbank’s New Poetry Collective, and I didn’t get a competitive commission that would have tied in so well to the work I’m doing, and really helped me financially. I’m finding it quite challenging to celebrate others’ successes without negatively comparing myself. However, being involved in actually sharing and creating work has really uplifted me. It’s important to know what actions you can take to get you out of those feelings.
Posting more videos on TikTok & Insta whilst I have the time
Last week was a quieter period, where I failed to get on top of things as much as I would have liked. I found my marks for my written assignment and was disappointed to get 53, just scraping a pass. I was able to share work with my peers and through this and the verbal feedback, I was able to see where I could have improved. I realised that certain learning processes aren’t working for me and my overwhelm at what to include goes back to the fact that I need to reassess the way I read in order to actually absorb it and keep track of the content to apply in written assignments. It is strange to identify as a writer and yet understand how dyspraxia is impacting my comprehension.
I had booked a half-price hot stone massage, knowing that it would be exactly what I needed. I had sprained my ankle seeing Muse in Milton Keynes (great gig, horrible journey, getting back at 2:45am) – another example of dyspraxia in action. I was about to cancel it, but in the end went through with it, and it was just the kind of somatic therapy I needed.
The rest of the week was also filled with activity, so thankfully my sprain hasn’t been too bad, and it just a bit bruised now. On Tuesday, I met with a couple of course-mates, on Wednesday I met a couple who were visiting my partner from Türkiye, on Thursday I hosted Forest Hill Stanza at Mozart London, and Friday I went bouldering for the first time (I injured my thumb slightly on a little fall when my leg slipped).
This weekend I have been to a house party; despite accepting the fact that I don’t like parties, everyone was really lovely and I had a great time. With the last remaining bit of energy, I went to Margate (thankfully by car). It felt right; I played games on the beach, swam in the sea, and ended the day on an ice-cream, followed by a cloudy lemonade sour beer at Xylo.
As the end of my first year training to be an Art Psychotherapist comes to an end, I don’t feel like I have fully accepted it. I can’t imagine how I would feel at the end of the three years, and I feel more anxious than I’ve ever felt about qualifying. Still, I have a summer where I can read and see some of my fellow course-mates.
Invigilating last weekend’s exhibition
As a tutor, I have a lot of experience with endings. However, I imagine it is all the more intense when dealing with endings in psychotherapy, likely in situations where you are powerless to extend therapy where there is still a need for it. This week, I’ve had a sudden ending, without a final session, which I feel undermines the relationship between tutor and student, and undervalues the work we do together. Yet, thinking about the neoliberal structure, my focus is initially on how I can make up the six hours of work now lost. However, I felt a need to make space to feel the sadness of the loss of this professional relationship.
Anticipating the release of Barbie
The student that I will likely now seen comes with a family tragedy, so in the learning environment there is an inevitable holding of pain, despite not being therapeutic. It is a strange time to be starting with new students, and coming towards the endings of the summer term.
Last week was less intense due to work cancellations. I had She Grrrowls on the Thursday and the private view for the Goldsmiths exhibition on the Friday. Where I could, I came in to held more with the exhibition, with Monday being sanding and painting boards, Tuesday finishing and placing the artwork, Thursday putting up some finishing touches, and Friday the same again, with the addition of making labels.
She Grrrowls was small, but mighty. I will try to keep going with the Catford Mews venue if I can. I just really loved having Phoebe Wagner feature, connecting to her Spanish heritage, and appreciated the Sims reference. I am also hoping to cook up another bigger project. I’m not on top of my emails, but when I have free time, I want to balance it between books in the sun, and creative projects in the rain. Time just seems to ebb away so quickly.
All the performers from June’s She Grrrowls
Although I had to correct a spelling mistake on my artwork (and had already paid to get a print) when I invigilated yesterday, I was really pleased to see people engage with my work. I invited people to think about their defence mechanisms and sculpt fruit to represent it. At the private view, I suddenly felt quite vulnerable and exposed, even though the work wasn’t personal, I wanted people to like the concept and so I took the engagement as positive feedback.
Baby All-Clay-Gone!
I also went to the Dance and Movement Psychotherapy show, which I loved and also included a lot of visuals and provided a lot of insight into the practice. I wished there was more of a chance to make connections with the course as I’m more interested in an integrated approach to other expressive arts therapies whether dance, music, performance art or visual art.
I can’t believe next week is She Grrrowls! I’ve just discovered this video of Phoebe Wagner’s poem ‘Raul’ from Muddy Feet Poetry. I love it especially as I can relate to the struggle of having Spanish heritage, but not being able to speak the language (though my poem, published in The Rialto, my name in an english accent, looks at this from the perspective of having a Spanish name, whilst this poem is kind of about the opposite). If you’re reading this, you must be a dedicated fan haha, so please do buy a ticket and/or spread the word about the event on Thursday 15th June!
I went to the Apples & Snakes takeover at The Roundhouse. It was such a great day, and so lovely to go with one of my course-mates who also writes poetry! I said hello to a few people and didn’t feel too anxious, at least when approached. I went to the hub events mainly, which were such interesting workshops – yoga and writing, a glorious vocal sound bath, and life writing (writing to movement). The final event was really special, with many of the acts performing bespoke sets.
I’m coming to the end of my first year training to be an Art Psychotherapist, with groups closing, feedback gradually coming in, and our exhibition next week – the private view being the day after She Grrrowls! I don’t feel ready, but I’ve managed to spend some cancelled lessons in the sun reading, so hope to have more time to read up on material, particularly that related to my placement.
I’ve been feeling really fatigued the last few day, suffering with stomach cramps, and trouble sleeping. Waiting for Gabor Mate’s latest book to come out on paperback, I felt drawn to read ‘When The Body Says No’. I’m also currently listening to ‘Period Power’ by Maisie Hill, and at the moment, despite some social plans, I’m leaning into solitude and looking forward to doing more reading over the weekend. I never have cramps with my periods, so I’m hoping this isn’t going to happen every month. It has felt so debilitating.
Do you want the good news or bad news first? Well, the good news is that I feel reassured about my work situation. After I had found out that I didn’t get the scholarship for university, it didn’t quite hit me until I had a meeting with my personal tutor, where I started crying. However, I managed to get myself into a place mentally where I wasn’t worried, and could reassure myself that the work would pick up. Either that, or the escitalopram kicking in.
Sure enough, I’m on my way to getting enough work that will mean that I should be able to live and pay my tuition fees – I’ve got more tuition work, which is mainly alternative education provision at the moment, and I’ve even got some casual work doing Lego parties for children! I’m also doing a workshop online for Apples & Snakes next week, which I’m really excited about!
However, the work is still expected to be up and down, especially given holidays, and I will still need to be on a strict cabbage budget in order to make this work. I’ll still be asking for donations to my crowdfund campaign, which recently got two big ones that will help me pay off my January fees, and I’ll still be plugging my books. Speaking of books, here’s what I read last year!
Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer. 