Freelance Reflections #108

Hastings

Things feel like they’re slowly coming into place. Although I’m only just staying afloat when some work gets cancelled, I also know that’s because I have had other things on my plate and there will come a time where I will have to shift priorities. At the moment, I am still able to make some time for friends’ birthdays and things, but I also have to work on accepting that I may even disappoint people or let people down, and trust that true friends will be there. I often feel heavy with responsibility, to the extent that others even expect me to be responsible for that which isn’t even mine, especially when that responsibility is joint.

Last weekend was challenging for health reasons as well as transport issues, but I managed to get away to Hastings, where I saw family and friends, and actually felt like I had some rest. I then spent the week in the routine of work, studies and placement – weirdly, I was online for most of it, with just a morning at the building. I needed that on Thursday when I had She Grrrowls in the evening! It was the most well-attended event at Catford Mews, so I’m hoping things can keep going in the new year.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #107

Right now, I feel very overwhelmed. I’m only just keeping afloat due to work being cancelled and my flat is still not sorted, but it’s slowly getting there. I’m due to go away, but it’s hard when I’m not in the right headspace. I want to make time for friends and family, but all I really want to to build my routines.

At least seeing friends for birthdays!

I’m still trying to build my work up, but I’m also still wondering how I’ll manage everything, and having dipped into the money I’m saving for tuition fees, I’m also worried about how I’ll save the rest of the fees for the end of April 2024.

Meet some cool people at a Halloween Party 👻

Aside from the money and the flat issues, I’ve also got a hospital appointment on Saturday. I’ve been so focussed on everything else, I’ve not given it much thought, but I’m trying to hope for the best. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed by starting my placement, but I think a lot of it has to do with the mess in the flat. I feel so much better when everything is clean and tidy! I’m curious what it will be like once I’ve started the actual client work.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #106

October She Grrrowls at Catford Mews

She Grrrowls is hopefully slowly growing at Catford Mews. It’s such a lovely venue, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the acts I’ve put on and it’s such a joy to see people come back on the open mic too! I usually don’t really feel like it on my way, but when I get there, I always feel better, and at the end, it feels like we’ve achieved something, however small.

Three Years Later… Pink Hair Again

Last weekend was very eventful. I thought I would celebrate my three-year anniversary more and stay local, but instead I went solo along to the protest for Palestine. Like many, I’ve had so many sleepless nights at the extremity of the situation at the moment. I’ve been conscious of this since secondary school, yet still confused of its complexities. But like many others, I couldn’t stay home that day. I felt I had to stand up and be counted in order to show solidarity for Palestine and all civilians, to urge Israel to end the ceasefire.

I worked both mornings that weekend. Saturday ended on eating homemade sushi in front of the film Elemental. Sunday, I saw some sun whilst with some fellow art psychotherapy trainees. In central again, I enjoyed passing by a sign in a park saying ‘Welcome to Lambeth’, which is the Borough I’m doing my placement in. We played board games and strolled along the southbank.

I returned to the Horniman, where I spotted a dinosaur – something that seems to have become important in our cohort’s collective experience. I made a lovely roast, which lasted for two dinners.

Aside from the usual, I had my first week on placement, which is a strange hybrid of in-person and online. With a friend working as a social worker on the NHS, I should have gathered this, but it all is so new to me – both the kind of work, and the office environment. I reflected on this a lot through images.

I’m planning to do some artmaking now, but I feel quite overwhelmed at the moment, especially with my flat situation still being all over the place with the bedbug saga. I don’t know whether I should pressure myself or just work on getting things ready and set up for me to feel better about the space. Stating placement, I’ve had to say goodbye to one student, whose funding finished as it was. I also lost another suddenly, and I’m struggling to hear back from another.

Goodbye Gift

I’ve worked out the need to save around £136 per month to save for my remaining uni frees this year. That’s a lot less than I expected, thanks to some generous donations and getting a tax refund! However, it’s still a significant stress on top of rent and bills when on placement twice a week, without much time for paid work. Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #101

Last week was a quieter period, where I failed to get on top of things as much as I would have liked. I found my marks for my written assignment and was disappointed to get 53, just scraping a pass. I was able to share work with my peers and through this and the verbal feedback, I was able to see where I could have improved. I realised that certain learning processes aren’t working for me and my overwhelm at what to include goes back to the fact that I need to reassess the way I read in order to actually absorb it and keep track of the content to apply in written assignments. It is strange to identify as a writer and yet understand how dyspraxia is impacting my comprehension.

I had booked a half-price hot stone massage, knowing that it would be exactly what I needed. I had sprained my ankle seeing Muse in Milton Keynes (great gig, horrible journey, getting back at 2:45am) – another example of dyspraxia in action. I was about to cancel it, but in the end went through with it, and it was just the kind of somatic therapy I needed.

The rest of the week was also filled with activity, so thankfully my sprain hasn’t been too bad, and it just a bit bruised now. On Tuesday, I met with a couple of course-mates, on Wednesday I met a couple who were visiting my partner from Türkiye, on Thursday I hosted Forest Hill Stanza at Mozart London, and Friday I went bouldering for the first time (I injured my thumb slightly on a little fall when my leg slipped).

This weekend I have been to a house party; despite accepting the fact that I don’t like parties, everyone was really lovely and I had a great time. With the last remaining bit of energy, I went to Margate (thankfully by car). It felt right; I played games on the beach, swam in the sea, and ended the day on an ice-cream, followed by a cloudy lemonade sour beer at Xylo.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #99

Last week was less intense due to work cancellations. I had She Grrrowls on the Thursday and the private view for the Goldsmiths exhibition on the Friday. Where I could, I came in to held more with the exhibition, with Monday being sanding and painting boards, Tuesday finishing and placing the artwork, Thursday putting up some finishing touches, and Friday the same again, with the addition of making labels.

She Grrrowls was small, but mighty. I will try to keep going with the Catford Mews venue if I can. I just really loved having Phoebe Wagner feature, connecting to her Spanish heritage, and appreciated the Sims reference. I am also hoping to cook up another bigger project. I’m not on top of my emails, but when I have free time, I want to balance it between books in the sun, and creative projects in the rain. Time just seems to ebb away so quickly.

All the performers from June’s She Grrrowls

Although I had to correct a spelling mistake on my artwork (and had already paid to get a print) when I invigilated yesterday, I was really pleased to see people engage with my work. I invited people to think about their defence mechanisms and sculpt fruit to represent it. At the private view, I suddenly felt quite vulnerable and exposed, even though the work wasn’t personal, I wanted people to like the concept and so I took the engagement as positive feedback.

Baby All-Clay-Gone!

I also went to the Dance and Movement Psychotherapy show, which I loved and also included a lot of visuals and provided a lot of insight into the practice. I wished there was more of a chance to make connections with the course as I’m more interested in an integrated approach to other expressive arts therapies whether dance, music, performance art or visual art.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #86

This week has been full on, with more work on, as well as preparing for debates at university. I’ve honestly put too much work into the debate preparation, and it’s been hard to focus my argument on one particular area. It’s all be really interesting though! But I still need to do the reading for the week ahead. I’ve planned loads of notes and quotes, created a PPT that can be viewed with a QR code, and made both physical and digital art.

I found out that I didn’t get the artist role at SPINE festival with Apples & Snakes. There really needs to be more transparency in the arts, which is why I will have no shame is sharing that I cried my eyes out for at least half an hour on reading the news. Yes, this was coloured by my financial situation, but I also felt embarrassed. It was the second time that I had interviewed for this position, and not only had I not been successful, I also felt really alone because I didn’t know who was in the same boat. After having done a workshop for Apples & Snakes, I went back to feeling like I don’t get picked. I consoled myself with my course, and the new direction I’m taking, but after swearing I wouldn’t do it again, I’ve signed up to do exam invigilation work, so when I could have been getting paid £200 a day in a April and May for something I love, I’ll now be getting barely over minimum wage for something that’s really mentally challenging (I try to think of it as meditation). And then it turns to self-blame, because who else is there to blame? My 5-minute workshop wasn’t as strong as others, and my answers weren’t good enough. It’s actually so demoralising. I know I’m capable of the work, but what now – try again next year?

In other news, I’ve also had two meetings about two different events in March. The first is the first Forest Hill Poetry Stanza at a cute cafe-bar ‘Mozart’ in Anerley on Friday 3rd March. The second is She Grrrowls, back for International Women’s Day on Thursday 16th March at the Catford Mews cinema. Aside from this, which is a fair bit of work for little to no pay, I’ve also got another minimum wage role for humble warrior drinks, offering product samples in store.

So, all this has been doing on whilst I’ve had my regular students, applying for more jobs, hosting the online Stanza group, and getting ready for my flatmate moving out! Thankfully I also had time for some exercise – Pilates, Yoga, Boxing and Zoca! I’m also trying to walk more again, but it’s not always possible, so I’ve only gone beyond 10,000 steps twice this week!

Once again, if you’re able to support me on my journey to becoming an Art Therapist, please consider buying my books or sharing stuff on social media, likewise with my crowdfunding campaign.

Dean Atta Review

Dean Atta’s ‘I’m Nobody’s Nigger’ (The Westbourne Press, 2013)

Since the book’s title poem went viral, Atta’s debut poetry collection has been much anticipated. Having been a regular feature among London’s poetry scene for many years, it was only a matter of time before he got the recognition he deserved, the recognition poets deserve in general, because it is an exciting time when poetry goes viral. But in my opinion, vival poetry doesn’t happen nearly as much as it should do. I opened the book to the sound of a drumroll. Immediately, I enjoyed the contradictions of language, the juxtaposition of words, and the simplicity that can be read into on so many levels.

Yes, viral poetry doesn’t happen enough, yet Atta’s example shows poetry at its best. It is honest, meaningful and has something important to say. In this poem lies a couplet containing raw commentary on a society where ‘stacking paper cos it’s greater than love it seems/call me ‘nigger’ cos you’re scared of what ‘brother’ means.’ Within this poem there is an undeniable power, and there are more moments than this which get your fingers clicking in appreciation.

As the review in Urban Times stated, the one criticism the collection falls prey to, is not getting the balance between ‘page’ and ‘stage’ quite right. That said, maybe the point is to simply get the word out; Atta’s reputation as a performer means that it would be ridiculous not allow his audience the privilege of reading his work. And like I said, the message he delivers is important. What’s more is that he does it in a way that is not so didactic as to make the reader feel preached upon, and in a way that makes him human; “in arrogance and creativity” he paints a picture of society’s troubles in ‘Fatherless Nation,’ with an awareness of his own shortcomings.

Another major highlight of the collection is ‘Key to the City,’ a modern love story featuring John and Melissa, which twists like a knife as you turn the last page of the poem. With many poems exploring sexuality, ‘More Than This’ stands out as one of the best, with great use of alliteration and carefully chosen words, from the first line ‘I knew, before we’d even spoken’ and the image of a night where ‘mouthfuls of beer dislodge illicit imagery,’ to the last line returning to the title.

‘My Love’ is a great example of where page and stage meet, as the rhymes are timed well and thoughtful, words are packed with meaning and the poems forces you to image Atta performing the piece. It mixes humour with sorrow, in images such as ‘It’s glass half empty/Amaretto on the rocks/A friendly drunk/makes love wearing socks.’ Lastly, the poem ‘Lost in Time’ stands out as it is so relatable; my own mind is vivid with memories of a childhood now past. Atta’s collection tells a story of contemporary society in a patchwork of poems about race, sexuality, culture, class, relationships and even poetry itself. What is so important about Atta’s poetry is that it now exists as what will be a relic of our time.

broken machines/hearts & magpies

Recent news. I went to see Every Rendition on a Broken Machine, performed live by the writer Ross Sutherland at Toynbee Studios, organised by Penned in the Margins aka Tom Chivers. I can only assume it will be on Channel 4 soon because this documentary needs airing. I loved it. It was not only interesting, but told with Sutherland’s natural humour. Being live, your eyes darted from him to the screen, but I liked to look at the screen, so that the sound was like a voice-over. The film was about internet poetry, so a a poet (and internet addict), I obviously found this engaging. However, I think even non-poets would like to watch it. I mean, it features Clarissa Explains it All. Come on!

Yesterday I had the first workshop for Word’s a Stage. It was great meeting the other poets – Selina Nwulu, Anthony Hett, Errol McGlashan. We are being mentored by Malika Booker, who my Mum has banged on about since I first started reading my poetry to audiences 6 years ago (when Booker was involved in the education department at Apples & Snakes, since my Mum works at a school). She has been fantastic so far and I’m looking forward to the next session, once I’ve done my “homepleasure” in developing my character for the piece I’ve written more and re-draft it.

After a long but inspiring day (10am-5pm) I met with my parents, had some Nando’s (of course) and went to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I’d read the book some years ago and enjoyed it but couldn’t remember the plot (I’m terrible). We were going to see On the Road, but it had got bad reviews and there are so many films I want to see, we decided not to chance it. It ended up being a bonus that I couldn’t remember it, and although it broke me, it was truly awesome – and not in the slang-way, in the real way.

The quote ‘we accept the love we think we deserve’ is in itself genius, but turned into film, you felt like you were inside it. Needless to say, I cried throughout it. It wasn’t perfect; I didn’t understand it when the character of Sam said “I’m not bulimic, I’m bulim-ist” and this idea wasn’t explored any deeper. If the characters are going to laugh along to lines like that, I just think there should be more to it than that, especially with the current growth of pro-ana people (Say what?! Google it). Other than that moment, it was tragic and beautiful and so moving. It just made you feel so vulnerable afterwards.

Anyway, read the book too. I feel like I need to read it again now.

The last thing I want to write about is the last issue of Poetry Review. Tom Philips’ work was shown on the cover, which I liked as both poetry and visual art. While we’re on that subject, submit to Poetry & Paint. I enjoyed Chrissy Williams’ piece ‘From Page to Stage’ as it’s on my wavelength. I also loved reading Katy Evans-Bush write about Adventures in Form, and On Poetry because I had actually read both books! And now for some quick summaries on why I liked certain poets:

Chris McCabe: the first poet in the collection that caught my attention, with a beautiful use of language and caesuras.

Michael Hofmann: I liked the juxtaposition of items in a broken list, from the idea of bar-coding people to the familiarity of the use of ‘maiden name’ and the general ‘GSOH’.

C.J. Driver: The use of rhythm and the subtleties of language gives it a musicality, and an ephemeral quality.

Carrie Etter: Raw emotion is sculptured into metaphor, with wonders such as “I wanted to sprinkle a little /into flour, egg and cocoa/and feed the cake of you to everyone.”

Karen McCarthy Woolf: I loved the uniqueness of this piece, with descriptions like modern relic, and it’s mixture of humour and tragedy.

Edward Mackay: Although I couldn’t relate to this poem, I admired the way it was crafted into the shape of Wales.

Declan Ryan: There was a tonal quality to the first stanza with which I couldn’t identify, but I enjoyed gems such as “This isn’t an answer or a letter -/it’s only a cup of coffee after lunch”. This is when the poem took off, for me, and I liked the use of simile and metaphor, contrasted with simple dialogue.

Robert Stein: I liked the voice of this poem, and the funny phrases such as “Before falling in love with you…” in its desire to make love logical.

Naomi Foyle: This is probably my favourite poem of this collection. I loved every part of it and would love to read more.

Hannah Lowe: I liked that I could relate to the environment of the dance class, and twist of the final line: “he’s the cab my mother sends for me.”

Amy Acre: This is my joint favourite poem. I know Acre from her live performances, and it was a joy to find this poem included. Really clever and well-written, and lines such as “gathering strength like the hems of skirts. You are a continent.”

xxx

Hey, Buddy

So, it’s been an eventful week for me. Since handing in my MA coursework and having my last day of work at Sainsbury’s last Sunday, I have started my new job as an English Mentor at a secondary school in Bethnal Green.

It’s been such an overwhelming experience so far but most of the staff are friendly and the students seem okay, though I won’t start teaching them for a week or so more. My role is a fairly new initiative to improve literacy and GCSE grades, so I’m basically like a tutor for C/D borderline students. Time goes a lot quicker than working at Sainsbury’s and even though I’ve mostly been doing admin stuff, it’s been great to get used to just being there. My week is now over and I’m off to visit my friend Hannah, who has moved to York.

I’ve been glad to have had quite a busy week after school as well! I’ve had a few trips to the post office for eBay, where I’m still selling lots of things at great prices! Other than that, on Tuesday, I went to see my course-mate Lydia Martin’s photography exhibition at Spitalfields. It was called Another Voice That Speaks and was really interesting, so I nabbed some free postcards! I may even use them for inspiration for students to work from, as I think my job is pretty independent – I even have to make my own time table!

Photography and Exhibition: Lydia Martin, Another Voice That Speaks

On Wednesday I sat in the gardens next to the Museum of Childhood (which I really need to check out!) and finished the Year 7’s text ‘The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas’ in the sunshine. I thought it was a great book and would like to watch the film. I went to Nando’s and really enjoyed it. I thought I had a bit of time so I had a mini dessert, and I must say, I really recommend the custard tart, yum! I then went along to The Gallery Cafe for some spoken word.

I went on my own, but got to meet Sophia Blackwell, who was lovely. I found out that not only is she an amazing poet, but she works at Bloomsbury Publishing! It got my thinking about my career path and that maybe I’d like to get back on that track at some point, since doing an internship during uni at Penned in the Margins.

Deanna Rodger started off as the support for the event, ran by Apples & Snakes. I think I recognised some poems, but I hadn’t seen her in… it must be years. I was pretty surprised when she said she had been doing this for about 6 years, as that means she started out at the same time as me! I need to up my game! I really enjoyed her set and thought the whole even had a great range of poets. I love her rawness and emotional expression. I know she has connections with the theatre, and I have seen a lot of people over-act poetry, but Deanna makes none of those mistakes and is so natural and holds a lot of truth in the words she delivers.

The next was Ronnie McGrath, who I’d never seen before. I loved the way he transported me to the ’60s, the way he played with sound and the strength of meaning. I hadn’t seen anything quite like it, and I also thought it was cool that he read from the page, because it just shows you that you can still give an amazing performance without knowing it all off by heart!!

The headliner was Buddy Wakefield. I had only just heard of him and listened to some recordings on Spotify and since he was performing near my new work, I thought it would be unmissable. And it was. I’m so glad I went. His performance had both strength and vulnerability. Tragedy and comedy. Ramblings and retelling. And glitter. Plus, an ad-lib finale with a beatboxer from the crowd, and McGrath on vocals. There was a reference to giving a pencil to a man in prison, and him putting it in his pocket. Some people laughed and I just didn’t get it, so that’s been niggling me because I feel a bit stupid! There was just so much in the performance, and yeah, it was ‘heavy’ but I like that. I wished others could have experienced it. I wish I could fill up a bottle of it and send it over seas to share it. I wish the recordings were enough. But they’re not. So, if you ever get the opportunity again, go see him! And it only cost £4!

He hadn’t toured in a while, and it was all rather emotional. It felt so good to be there. So, fantastic things like this happening provide yet another reason to live in Bethnal Green, or round abouts that area. Sorry, Worcester Park, you are not culturally stimulating and I don’t know if you ever will be.

xxx

Poetry in Music: Part 1

A poem and a song are not one and the same, but I believe you can find poetry in music. I’m starting with a poet I’m seeing on Wednesday but I will be focusing on music, and in particular songs to do with relationships. I’ll be picking out key lyrics that have spoken to me recently. I’m not going to explain their personal significant to myself, but hope you enjoy the poetry of the lyrics.

Buddy Wakefield

Giant Saint Everything

“I should have told you before talking in terms of forever that any given day wears me out, works me sour; that there are nights when the sky is so clear, I stand obnoxious underneath it, begging for stars to shoot me just so I can feel at home”

Emmy the Great

24

“Man on the screen he has done more in a minute
Than you have achieved in your whole entire life
When you finally realise i was the best thing you had in it
We’ll be closing up your eyelids on the bed on which you die”

Bright eyes & Neva Dinova

I Know You

“We made quite a pair in the morning
We both tend to traffic in dreams
Seeing it now from the outside
You kept all your dark ones for me”

Scroobius Pip

Broken promise

“From anyone who ever let you down and went missing
Lovers, parents, best friends, and siblings
Sometimes life conspires to make liars of good men”

Noah and the Whale

First Day of Spring

“But I’ll come back to you in a year or so
And I’ll rebuild, be ready to become
Oh the person, you believed in
Oh the person, that you used to love”

Destiny’s Child

Emotion

“But if you don’t come back
Come home to me, darling
Dont you know there’s nobody left in this world
to hold me tight”

Mumford and Sons

Little Lion Man

“Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?”

White Blank Page

“But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart”

Slow Club

Giving up on Love

“We’ve been over and over,
this thing we call love.
And I’ve been thinking about what my friends would say,
if I were to give it up.

Cause I’ve been tired and hopeful (I’ve been hurting inside)
For far too long now (too long now).
So I’m giving it up, giving up, giving up on love.
Giving up on love.”