learning – Page 9 – Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer.

Freelance Reflections #97

I have kept putting off writing due to a period of intensity. This week I had less paid work due to the half term break, but somehow it still feels overwhelming at times, trying to balance everything and make time for some relaxing moments without it feeling like a checklist. Still, I’m writing this as I wait for the 122 to a student with heavy traffic delays.

I don’t think I’ve written for the whole of May. It wasn’t all work and no play though. I went to Switzerland for the first time, to meet my partner’s parents. I really managed to switch off, saw some great artwork, and caught up with some reading for uni. In order to do that, I had to cancel some work, or where possible move it from one bank holiday to another.

Just before my birthday, I had an interview for my placement at Coram. I found out the next day that I got it! Plus I’ll be working with another Goldsmiths student from my year. I’m really looking forward to it and hope to make lots of time for reading over the summer.

I had a few days off for my own and family birthdays. I went to a comedy night, had family over for food and cake, went to an Everyman Cinema Eurovision screening with a friend, and spent the actual day of my birthday chilling – I went swimming, had a pub roast and watched Rye Lane. There were shitty points, and my roasts are better than the overpriced pub one, but I had a lot of fun too.

Despite having written my coursework assignment in one sitting at the start of the month, this was just the reflective part. I then had to read and integrate the theory into the coursework and often worked until 11pm/12/1am leading up to the deadline, trying to perfect it. Eventually I had to accept that I couldn’t read more and submitted it.

The assignment and paid work took over until I submitted on 25th May. I then had a weekend of celebrations, including seeing The Beths with my dad, Wide Awake Festival on the Saturday with my partner, and catching up with a picnic with a friend on Sunday after work.

Monday ended up pretty much being a write-off, and since then I’ve been focussing on my artwork for the MA Art Psychotherapy exhibition, which is done a rough plan for that day. Aside from this and work, I also had a picnic with my partner and parents. As much as I would have loved to stay in the sun, I had to get back to my canvas. It feels so good to paint and I’m really happy with how it’s turning out. The private view will be at Goldsmiths University on 16th June, with the exhibition continuing until Monday 19th June.

I also did my first paid cat-sitting job and got to look after one of my favourite breeds! This is Harriet – hopefully I’ll get to see her again!

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #96

Uncategorized

Like it always seems, I’ve been thinking about balance and protecting time. Specially, protecting time for rest and creativity. When I create, I feel energised in a way that also comes from resting. I am reminding myself of the sacrifices I’m choosing to make, and the reason why I’m working so much is to pay for my studies. They have to be priorities. I want to maintain my relationships, but I also need to trust that my friends, family and partner will understand and support me in this time and know that I’m not going anywhere, and neither are they.

New reading group room has fancy chairs and everyone’s first reaction is to sit in on.

Working on Sundays, albeit for two hours, is not working for me. That time is going to be all the more necessary when I’m on my work placement, training on the job, as it were. This is time that from June I want to protect: to lay in with my partner, to move my body, to create, to read, and to connect with others even if that just means a phone call or local quick cuppa, because I’ll be getting ready for the week ahead, making lunches and having a relaxing bath. There may be exceptions, but they should be exceptions to this rule.

Whenever I talk about how busy I am, I am annoyed, feeling complicit and perpetuating this capitalistic culture of busyness. I don’t want to compare between friends how busy we are. The people I admire are those who are resting more. #goals

I’ll be posting more about this on Instagram at some point.

So, what am I already doing to protect my time from work that I can emulate in other ways, on other days? I’m not working Tuesday afternoons, I’m debriefing with colleges and when I have to work, it’s an exception to the rule (for example, I’m actually going away over the bank holiday, but this means moving some work to the bank holiday this Monday and to the Tuesday evening). I’m protecting my Friday yoga class as the teacher is the best I’ve ever had, and despite being in a gym, it feels like a deep and somatic, spiritual experience. Even if I have to wear my gym clothes for the rest of the day.

Letting my friends know my social life will be sacrificed somewhat.

I’m also protecting Pilates on Thursdays, and Zoca dance on Saturday as much as possible. Plus boxing when I have the energy. Generally speaking, moving my body helps me in all other areas of my life, whether that’s walking more, going to the gym, or doing some other activity. Keeping to routines also helps me with increasing my sleep, which is also a major goal for me, the impact of which on other areas of life is underestimated.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #95

News

Last Saturday, I hosted a Lego party, and the next day the mum complained about me, with the goal it seemed to get me to lose my job. She claimed that I wasn’t qualified or suitable for the job.

Given that I have done the same for the past four parties and was even given a tip by the last parent, it seemed it was more about the disappointment at the children losing interest in the activity that was more suitable for her older son, plus a dislike for my personal style of facilitation.

I tried not to take it personally, was supported and didn’t lose the work, sent an email in response, and took action where I could. So, I’ve edited my profile on the website, and have crafted an email to send out prior to parties to set expectations. I am not a party entertainer, I’m a party facilitator, and my job is to follow the workshop programme as per my training, interacting with the children, but mostly making sure they know what they are doing and are working and having fun together.

This week, I had my gran visit, and eased back into my regular work schedule. On Tuesday, I also had a couple of fellow Trainee Art Therapists over and we baked cupcakes. It made me think back to the Red Sky Sessions with Apples & Snakes about doing something creative every day, and thinking this doesn’t have to be visual art or poetry, but can also be baking!

Once more, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do.

Freelance Reflections #94

News

My energy levels have been really unpredictable recently. Last week, they went up, only to come crashing down. Thankfully I managed to ask a family if I could tutor online for a couple of days, and now I’m am out and about after a morning yoga session. This week I have mainly seen the one student who is coming up to his GCSEs. He and the rest of the family were still sleeping when I arrived!

I’ve seen a lot of family, and met my cousin’s baby (I’m just calling myself an aunt because neither of us have siblings). I’ve also done lots of creative work; I painted last Sunday in response to the Coram conversation panel and poetry night, and I caught up with a Red Sky Session the day after doing a very career-based one, which actually left me feeling quite down on myself. It was doing the creative part that made me feel good. My partner joined me and I loved the synchronicity of our images, with both our arms up in the air!

I have next Tuesday off thankfully, because I’ll need my energy with all the work I’ve got coming up! Tutoring will be back in full swing next week, the Art Psychotherapy training starts up again the following week, and I’ve got a couple of consecutive weekends of Lego parties!

Once more, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #92

News

It’s Saturday and I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m in danger of getting ill from work intensity and the changing whether, plus the stresses and demands of of my personal situation right now. However, I’m pleased to be working, and know this time will pass as I strive for balance. I am trying to listen to my body and rest more today, doing less than I planned ahead of another busy week.

I went along to the picket line at Goldsmiths to support the staff at the university. I’m now tutoring over twenty hours a week, although at times due to the needs of some of my students, sessions get cut short. So, after going back on forth on buses, I managed to find a decent hot chocolate at Norris + Knight, Spanish deli and cafe, where I did some reading in preparation for my first placement interview for September.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #87

News, Uncategorized

I’m writing this on a Sunday, which used to be a protected day, but I’m now starting to work. I’m working on at least having Tuesday and Sunday evenings free, and I have enough other self-care stuff in place that it should all be manageable. There’s flat changes going on that are being delayed, so everything is going to still be somewhat unsettled for the rest of this month.

I’ve signed up for more agencies, I’ve got a potential content writing job, and I’ve been accepted as an exam invigilator, whilst protecting my Friday yoga time. When the work starts coming in, it’s hard to protect these things, but it’s vital to prevent burnout. I don’t mind making sacrifices, and I’m no stranger to hard work, but studying at Goldsmiths, having my learning impacted by strikes (which, to be clear, I support), whilst the current warden splashes out £20,000 on Addison Lee expenses is infuriating.

Speaking of my studies, I managed to heal some trauma this week. I had an upcoming debate and put everything I could into the preparation, not knowing if I would even be able to speak on the day. Sat there in a group five times the size of the one I had to be in at school (the source of the trauma), with an audience double that, I didn’t think I’d be able to speak. However, I not only managed to speak, but also made the concluding point to the debate, was able to embrace having no structure, and others commented about how I steered the debate!

Although I’m not actively writing my show on quietness and shyness, all these experiences are feeding into my vision for what this piece could be, and the understanding of myself and how these terms apply to me. My hope in any work I create is that others connect to what I’m saying, so as much as my recent experience may seem like I’m not quiet or shy, what really enables me as someone who does identify with these terms, to have a voice, is to feel held in the space that I’m in and the people I’m with.

So, know I’m working hard to survive and save £500 a month for my course fees. If able to, please donate to my crowd funder, or share, or buy my books. Every little you can do means a lot.

Freelance Reflections #86

News

This week has been full on, with more work on, as well as preparing for debates at university. I’ve honestly put too much work into the debate preparation, and it’s been hard to focus my argument on one particular area. It’s all be really interesting though! But I still need to do the reading for the week ahead. I’ve planned loads of notes and quotes, created a PPT that can be viewed with a QR code, and made both physical and digital art.

I found out that I didn’t get the artist role at SPINE festival with Apples & Snakes. There really needs to be more transparency in the arts, which is why I will have no shame is sharing that I cried my eyes out for at least half an hour on reading the news. Yes, this was coloured by my financial situation, but I also felt embarrassed. It was the second time that I had interviewed for this position, and not only had I not been successful, I also felt really alone because I didn’t know who was in the same boat. After having done a workshop for Apples & Snakes, I went back to feeling like I don’t get picked. I consoled myself with my course, and the new direction I’m taking, but after swearing I wouldn’t do it again, I’ve signed up to do exam invigilation work, so when I could have been getting paid £200 a day in a April and May for something I love, I’ll now be getting barely over minimum wage for something that’s really mentally challenging (I try to think of it as meditation). And then it turns to self-blame, because who else is there to blame? My 5-minute workshop wasn’t as strong as others, and my answers weren’t good enough. It’s actually so demoralising. I know I’m capable of the work, but what now – try again next year?

In other news, I’ve also had two meetings about two different events in March. The first is the first Forest Hill Poetry Stanza at a cute cafe-bar ‘Mozart’ in Anerley on Friday 3rd March. The second is She Grrrowls, back for International Women’s Day on Thursday 16th March at the Catford Mews cinema. Aside from this, which is a fair bit of work for little to no pay, I’ve also got another minimum wage role for humble warrior drinks, offering product samples in store.

So, all this has been doing on whilst I’ve had my regular students, applying for more jobs, hosting the online Stanza group, and getting ready for my flatmate moving out! Thankfully I also had time for some exercise – Pilates, Yoga, Boxing and Zoca! I’m also trying to walk more again, but it’s not always possible, so I’ve only gone beyond 10,000 steps twice this week!

Once again, if you’re able to support me on my journey to becoming an Art Therapist, please consider buying my books or sharing stuff on social media, likewise with my crowdfunding campaign.

Carmina’s Cantata #7

Carmina's Cantata

Things are really full on at the moment, so I’ve been struggling to put the time into my ukulele practice. I’d rather do it in the day time, as I can feel really tired by the evening, so it doesn’t feel as productive. However, something that has changed is that I’ve now been focussed on one song, and whilst previously I kept on moving on quickly after a few times, I’m now having the opposite problem: I want to perfect it and as I keep making mistakes, I’ve not been able to move on. How long should I spend on one lesson or song?

I’ve been learning a lot and playing around on my Logic Pro course at City Lit. It’s my third lesson so far, and it’s great as it’s specialised to the students on it and the different things we want to do. Today we’ll be doing more about editing, and how I can make the volume more consistent, and put different files together on one episode. In some ways, it would have been good to do the course prior recording interviews, but on the other hand, the whole point of this year is to learn as I go along. It would be good to know how to attach the Scarlett amplifier whilst recording. Things are intense right now, but hopefully he hard work I’m putting into various thing right now will pay off next year.

I last recorded in Brighton, and it was nice to take a trip down memory lane, as my gran used to live there. It was so nice that I have managed to convince my mum for us to go there for our annual Christmas shopping trip (which is really just an excuse to spend time together and eat nice food). I’m glad I managed to go away as I feel like I would be a lot more stressed and overwhelmed if I hadn’t. Like language learning, learning music is actually really good for managing stress as you are forced to be present… of course, it’s possible to get distracted, but when you get into the zone, you brain has to concentrate so much that there isn’t room for other things.

Carmina’s Cantata #4

Carmina's Cantata

So, this week I have got my lovely ukulele a new sturdy case for when I have to go to my in-person lessons in Brockley at the end of next month. I’ve also taken it with me away in Hastings, where I am currently writing this, so I can make sure to practise whilst I’m away, even if it’s just for half an hour today. Like Yayoi Kusama, I love polka dots, and this case even matches the dress I’m currently wearing!

My gran lives in Hastings, and it was over five years ago that she got me the ukulele… and over those years stopped asking me if I would join in a group here. I may be nowhere near able to do that, but at least I’ve finally started learning. At the ripe age of 32, it’s never too late to pick something up, and learn something new!

Freelance Reflections #54

News

So, I got back on the bike and have commuted using it every day I’ve gone out (except Tuesday when it was pissing it down with rain and I got an eye infection so bad I had to cancel work… misdiagnosed as conjunctivitis, but actually an eye ulcer, so I’ll have matching eye scars…) I have realised a few things about me and cycling:

I enjoy going for a bike ride far more than using it as a way to commute.
I’m so wary of roads now, I refuse to go on those with traffic, instead annoying pedestrians and (and annoying myself with how bumpy pavements are), so it takes me at least double the time Google says.
It is only marginally quicker than walking, and I don’t even get to listen to music and podcasts.
I feel so anxious before and during, that after my hands ache from holding the handlebar so tight.
I feel much more visible and self-conscious than when walking, when I feel more like I’m in my own world.

Still, I’m proud of myself for trying, and I will try to use it the days I feel I can, which will likely be Monday and Wednesday. Thursday could work, but will also involve some train travel, and I’m not sure how the cycle from Sutton the the centre I work in will feel.

I’m working seven days in a row this week due to holding stalls last Sunday (pictured), where I sold just one book, and two badges… and tomorrow I’ll be at Camberwell Green’s Farmer’s Market, which is fantastic as they invite one artist a week to have a free table! The other ones were SoLo Craft Fair and I paid £60 a pop, plus the very specific and expensive insurance. Help! I spent the time writing my journal, studying Spanish and Turkish (the latter subject really hurt my head), and then spent the last hour doing this doodle. Time well spent, I suppose…

Last weekend, I bought an SE23 badge for me and two of my SE23 friends, as Forest Hill had open studios as part of Sydenham’s art festival. It was between pub one and two on a pub crawl I did with some friends, where we found a pub with amazing bao buns, and another with karaoke, which usually takes place on Thursdays. It’s my longest day, but maybe a sing-song is just what I’ll need some days. We’ll be back.

Lastly, for anyone in Hastings, I’ll be at The Electric Palace on both Friday 24th and Saturday 25th at 8pm, with the Friday being a film screening, showing my poem ‘Grandad’, amongst others, followed by a Q&A. The Saturday will be a poetry set, and it’ll be the first indoor performance in well over a year since I was doing my ‘Circles’ tour, that was halted just a few months in.

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