christmas – Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer.

Freelance Reflections #115

I’ve had a busy break, travelling from SE to SW London, staying two nights, then to Hastings and back in one day via a present swap keeping distance with Covid cousins in Tonbridge, followed by two nights in Yorkshire and home via a final family visit in Nottingham, before back to SW then home in SE London! I had to be organised and unpack for my partner’s return, managing to squeeze in a couple of episodes of Yoh! Christmas! and bath before their return.

Now it’s back to work and I’ve had three students back to back and I’m now going to have some celebrations with my partner, going to Winter Wonderland and hosting a small NYE party tomorrow! Then I’ve actually scheduled in an actual duvet day of pure rest… let’s see how well I’ll do at that! It can be really hard to relax when you feel like there’s always something to do, which, for all its advantages, is a big issue with freelance life. Wish me luck!

Watching: Leave the World Behind, Yoh! Christmas!, Candy Cane Lane

Reading: Cat Person and You Know You Want This by Kristen Roupenian

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah and On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Music: all the Christmas music…!

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #112

News

I’m currently unwell with a cold, but I’m hoping to nip it at the bud, resting where I can between work. By resting, I mean reading about trauma and art therapy assessment… I haven’t had a full day off since 26th November, and my next day off is 17th December, both days being family days, rather than days of doing nothing (if ever there is such a day… other than Christmas Day!) With everyone getting unwell, I was feeling healthy, then that superstitious feeling came where I have that thought and suddenly I’m ill. However, I’ve been having my healing herbal remedy, and I’m hopeful it’ll pass without too much disturbance. I’m also thankful that my cervical tests are going to be monitored in a year, so nothing too scary.

I had my university supervision in a freezing cold room with no heating, and I had already got estates to switch the heating on previously, so I feel worried about that for next term. I also feel like I’m taking on too much responsibility and the fact I’m ill is a message to stop doing that and let others pick up the slack. In some cases, it’s the same old story about my needing to prioritise. I’m going to start being really strict with how much I do outside or studying and my course and try to limit any kind of social activity to once a week. I would also rather most of that to be spontaneous rather than planned to ensure I have enough time for rest too.

I had my first one-to-one with a client and it takes a lot of processing. Next week, I start with a second young person, and I’ll hopefully have two more booked in for the new year. Everything feels fast at the moment. I’m also starting to feel anxious because I spent my rent money on Christmas presents without realising I have a gap without anything coming in, plus I’m waiting to hear back about paying council tax and am due to pay over £1000 on my own by April if I’m not able to get an exemption. It’s also the time of year for enforced holiday and paid work gets thin. I know that some way somehow it’ll be okay, but I can’t seem to not get a bit stressed about it.

I feel like this update has been a bit miserable and stressy, but I am really grateful to be on this path and I’m so lucky to be doing so much that I enjoy. I’m still figuring things out and that’s okay.

Next Thursday 14th December, I’m hosting the Forest Hill Stanza Open Mic. There will be some space, but it’s a very small venue, so do book and come early to avoid disappointment! See all the details here!

Watching: Killers of the Flower Moon, Top Boy, Upload

Reading: Endgame, Waking the Tiger, Assessment in Art Therapy

Podcasts: Griefcast

Music: Poppy, Pinhani

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #85

News

This week has been very up and down with work. I’ve still had cancellations, which has made me worry about payment. At times, I’ve also felt stressed, which has impacted on how productive I’ve been able to be, or how productive I’ve felt. It’s not been possible to make up any lost hours financially this week, and yet I also can’t schedule anything in the time I’m committing to the students I have. Given the change to PAYE with one of the agencies I work with, there also seems to have been complications with getting paid for the hours I’ve actually worked, and last night I found I was taxed around half of my earnings, so was straight on the phone to HMRC this morning, who picked up just as I finished my washing up, so at least I’m getting things sorted!

Looking forward to reviewing these from Whisky & Beards when things are more settled!

Last Saturday, I spent the morning lesson planning, and after a fun visit to Specsavers, I finished my course reading and a Safeguarding workbook (and 3.5 hours of safeguarding training the day before!) Sunday afternoon, after stocking up on some food, I went through emails and sorted out the work admin for some of the other new casual PAYE work I’m taking on. Art making was sadly left until the end, so it wasn’t until nearly midnight that I finished.

Appreciating a sunset with fellow Art Therapist Trainees

As well as tutoring and waiting for students who didn’t turn up, I was back at university this week. Of course, one particular day of cancellations, I thought I’d take a walk and call a friend, only to become overwhelmed later that day. I got prepared for an upcoming debate by researching materials, but still need to do the much-needed reading and note-taking! I also had a lot of meetings, following on from my dyspraxia diagnosis, where I’m hoping to qualify for some support! I also had two intense interviews! One for a tutoring agency and one for a poetry opportunity! Now I’m going to walk to Crystal Palace and make use of my free tickets with the cinema membership I got for Christmas!

Once again, if you’re able to support me on my journey to becoming an Art Therapist, please consider buying my books or sharing stuff on social media, likewise with my crowdfunding campaign.

Freelance Reflections #61

News

I am trying to prioritise rest and creativity, but change doesn’t happen at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve. Like always, it’s about trial and error and finding balance between listening to yourself with your needs, and what just needs doing…

I’ve been fortunate enough to spend time with family, albeit difficult being the first year without my maternal grandad. I spent time with my mum on the anniversary, and also uncovered something funny thing my dad kept, including this letter to Father Christmas. I’ve tried to give myself some time to do relaxing activities over the bank holiday, minimising the amount of work, to the point where my FitBit thought I was napping when I was in bed looking at books.

I’m doing the first She Grrrowls of the year shortly, feeling tired and looking forward to a night in. I’m also trying to accept the uncertainty of the pandemic, the question-mark over funding, and what this will look like by March, when I hope to do the festival. I’m trying to be kind to myself when I have emotional storms, and when I don’t manage to get everything I plan to do.

Carmina’s Cantata #10

Carmina's Cantata

I did take my ukulele with my on my travels to see family, but alas, I still have not perfected ‘Jingle Bells’. I’m looking forward to starting my routines again, as I ease into the New Year. I’ll be booking a monthly in-person lesson to add to my Fender Play practice. With my goals being about rest, balance, healing and joy, I hope to dedicate more focussed time to playing, which will give me fulfilment as I learn more and more.

I’m also going to record the penultimate podcast episode and begin to edit all the episodes to start putting them out by the end of the month, on a fortnightly basis. I’ll also need to figure out how to get them on Spotify. After listening to lots of podcasts on dating and sex, and grief and mental health, I’ve now been enjoying more poetry podcasts, including those from Apples & Snakes, Faber, and Dead Darlings.

Freelance Reflections #60

News

It’s Christmas eve, and I’m just waiting to be picked up to see family over the next few days. My partner is away, which can be difficult for me at times, so I’m trying to focus on the positives… which is thankfully not my last lateral flow test. I want to hold on to that gratitude, treasure the time with my family, and the time with myself.

I volunteered to steward at a local pharmacy in Lewisham to help the flow of people getting their vaccines. It was immensely rewarding, time went really quickly, and I recommend it to anyone who is able. I did the work I needed to do, and had the afternoon spare. I have been feeling a bit nauseated and tired, so I’m hoping I’ll be able to do a PCR to confirm the negative lateral flow. I really feel for people who are alone right now.

Last night, I cooked a roast for me and my flatmate, and spent the evening watching a Christmas film and wrapping presents… which took about double the time of the film. My therapist was kind enough to see me this morning, and I had a head massage, and I think I may even leave my laptop behind… I’ll be back working after a long journey home on 29th, so I want to make the most of this time and dedicated it to play and rest!

Christmas Catch-Up and a Cuppa

News, Poetry Gigs

Grab yourself a cup of tea and join me for a much needed Christmas catch-up! I’ve not written in over a month as I’ve been so busy. Now I’m writing I can’t think of much that is new. But what is new is pretty big!

My major news is that I have now found out my grade for my Creative Entrepreneurship MA – DISTINCTION!! I was feeling nervous so am relieved and happy with my result! I can now either wait until July for the congregation, or pick up my certificate in February I’m not sure which to do as I won’t know many people there – if anyone!

Secondly, I performed my piece at The Gallery Cafe for ‘Word’s A Stage’. I was really pleased with how it went and spoke to lots of lovely people afterwards who showered me and my fellow poets with kind compliments and conversation.

I performed the piece again at The Place, in Bedford, as a part of ‘New Write Nights’. As I had work the next day I had to dash off during the interval. The organiser was kind enough to be my taxi for the night and I got paid expenses so it was great to get out from London for something different. I also met a woman called Jan, who works for the Arts Council and I had the pleasure of talking to her on the train back.

Here is the feedback I got from the night at The Gallery Cafe:

Carmina’s piece was nicely written and touching. I enjoyed how she used the tube stops as beats.

Great! Really interesting combination of content with structure (circular) – worked really well to express emotion of a breakup. But slight overuse of pop culture references, I thought (didn’t add anything).

Great [illegible word – simile?]. It flowed lovely. Would love to hear more. I love the excellent references. Q: What is your main influences [sic]?

Beautiful & moving, really drew me in.

Great control, structured by the underground stations – would love to read it. Wonderfully consistent rime [sic] scheme.

Nice – great use of the train journey as a structure for the piece. Some beautiful lines – “not trying to make you jealous – I want you to come back.” Lovely delivery, could perhaps play more with pace. Reflecting in the Indian meal for example, this is a bright moment.

Beautiful – train lines like a web was wicked and revisiting this was great – you had my stomach in knot. Very powerful.

Really liked the Circle Line framing for this piece – something all Londoners can relate to – as well as the excruciating heartbreak too.

Carmina’s words just escaped being too tragic to bear. The train metaphors link could mesh more.

Graceful, passionate, emotive, soulful, honest, scarred.

I’m feeling the urge for a clearing as I have a few scraps of paper and books etc. under my bedside cabinet that needs sorting. I have pieces of poetry in books, on my iTouch and on the tip of my tongue. I started a novel in November but will need to save that for the future, having written no more than 5,000 words.

For now, I’m awaiting the response of the Arts Council for my funding application for my event for Poetry & Paint. The event will go ahead nevertheless, but funding would make an amazing difference. It will be quite intense organising the event for March 31st 2013 but I’m confident I can do it. I’ll also be making a book to go along with the event and act as a kind of programme, showcasing the featured artists as well as others that have produced work for the concept and a piece introducing the topic and outlining why it is important for writers to engage with other artforms.

So, with the new year approaching, I am concentrating on this event, as well as working towards gaining a publisher for my own poetry. I also want to focus on extending the piece I did for ‘Word’s A Stage’ to a full-length show, and from Spring, look at setting up more regular events. I also want to reflect on my Arts Plan to see how much progress I’m making.

As for my new years resolution; it can be summed up by two words: appreciate life.

At times I have been overwhelmed, taken too much on,
burned the candle at both ends,
felt like I was losing friends,
and before I knew it the year was gone.

To a new year, and truly appreciating life.

xxx

New Year; Same You, But With Added Shine, A Slicker Rhyme…

Inspiration, News

A belated happy new year! I have just handed in my coursework today and have lots of news to share. Christmas, by the way, was wonderful – the best ever! Here’s me celebrating family-style with some of my new clothes (Primari aka Primark).

The first news story is a sad one. I write this blog for my website but I also post it in other places, and one of these places, Inked-In, is closing down because some company is taking over and wants all the rights to the content. Totally out of order. Not happy. I’ll probably stop writing on there now because I want to have the rights to my content thanks.

Anyway, onward and upward! I have found an amazing function on Excel that means I don’t have to use this Smartsheet thing I was using that ended up being a free trial and asked me to pay for it. As if. So yeah, genius that I am, I figured out you can sort a to-do list on Excel; my list is sorted by the ‘status’ (i.e. whether it’s been started or is complete) then by the due date, and then by a daily ordering system, should I need to do work on something that has a due date way in the future. It’s not a waste of time either, as I have now completed 44 tasks, and started it maybe a couple of months ago.

For new years eve, Matt and I popped round to my friend Jo’s house for a bit because she now lives about 20 minutes walk away from me! She used to live in Hammersmith so it’s great she’s so close now. It took us a bit longer as I took a wrong turn, but good to know for future reference as last time my mum was my taxi. Jo had fireworks and it was a bit scary but also very pretty and overall, amazing.

Matt and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary on January 2nd at Los Amigos and it was delish. We also saw a ‘Havana Club’ sign which was cool because we met at a club in Norwich called Havana (now called Kartel). It was a bit quiet but we had a lovely time.

On that note, I’ll say a little about new years resolutions. Now, I’m the kind of person that’s always trying to self-improve… a kind of perfectionist, I guess. So, new years resolutions are something I try to do at various points in the year anyway. That said, my main aims for 2012 are as follows:

– Read more poetry. Well, read only poetry, aside from non-fiction books used for study, and the occasional fiction book for if I want a break from just poetry.
– Resume my exercise routine. Try to go to the gym 1 or 2 times a week, and do at least 15 minutes of exercise in the morning before breakfast.
– Keep up a regular beauty regime. Cleanse, tone, (exfoliate), moisturize.
– The last two points means I need to get early nights. And wake up early-ish. If I don’tget enough sleep I get lazy.

And now, for some poetry news. Firstly, I wanted to say how great it is that Dean Atta has shot to fame, so to speak, after posting ‘I Am Nobody’s Nigger’ online. As I stated on Twitter, I guess I’ve been “deeply immersed in the world of spoken word,” (quoting The Guardian) because I remember Atta being a regular name since I started out in around 2006.

Not wanting to draw too many comparisons, but, I had previously read Carol Ann Duffy’s Stephen Lawrence tribute poem and been disappointed. I actually began to have a go myself but am yet to finish it. I just found her poem too obvious, and lacking emotionally. And it is a great shame because I have enjoyed Duffy’s work since my GCSEs (though I was disappointed at her reading at the AQA Anthology show).

In terms of my poetry news… I’ve been shortlisted for a £1000 fund on IdeasTap. My idea may be more suited to another IdeasTap fund I’ve applied for since, and I feel unlikely too get the one I’ve been shortlisted for as it’s quite a long shortlist! I’ve also been accepted to be a Peer Mentor for Shake the Dust for the Eastern region. It’ll be really great to give younger poets advice and support, and take part in the regional finals – and I’d love to be a judge! I probably should have mentioned my judging experience with Scroobius Pip! It’ll no doubt be a great experience anyway. I may not have been accepted as a Poet Shadow, but I’ve got the next best thing. I’ve also applied for the Charles Pick Fellowship at UEA, starting in October. Thinking about the prospect of being accepted for that excites me too much! Wish me luck on my endeavours!

xxx

Christmas is Coming…

Music, News

Winter has been rather chilly (no surprises there Radiohead) but the sun was glorious the week before. Here are some photos I took whilst waiting at Worcester Park train station. The skirt is from Primark. I bought it and then realised it’s verging on the ‘midi’ which I didn’t think I’d like but it’s nice and floaty and whooshes around when you spin.

So, me and Matt have been posting these little cards around – you can grab one from two of my local libraries (Worcester Park and Sutton) as well as the Poetry Library at the Southbank Centre.

I’ve taken a few comparison shots of Christmas trees as I’m pretty proud of our tree this year 🙂 Mine is the one at the end, and you can see it all lit up on the left of this text.

A slight digression here, but I had my iPod on shuffle and found these two tracks went really well together: Enter Shikari’s Mothership, followed by Bloc Party’s Talons. I’ve got them to listen to via YouTube just below…

Speaking of music… after buying tickets to see Rihanna in May for my birthday, the day finally came! I went with my friend from uni, Josie, and some of her friends. Calvin Harris began the night, get everyone going (well, some people going… as we worked our way through the crowd there were a few people standing very still and leaving piles of bags and coats for us to trip over). The lady herself was, as expected, amazing! Highlights include Rihanna playing the drums, pole-dancing as an art-form (along with her own rather saucy dancing) and the finale of Umbrella, ending a night of fantastic tunes. It was also quite cool seeing all the different costume changes as well as witnessing someone who can keep breathing with all that singing and dancing.

In other news, I have had my haircut so that it’s no longer asymmetric. I hadn’t had a cut for 7 months so I splashed out at Toni & Guy (Mustafa is expensive but he’s my favourite) and I know you’re “supposed” to go every 4-6 weeks or something but I’m going to leave it until May now. I’m growing it out and I can’t wait! I have a full fringe as well which I haven’t had since I was at Primary school or something! I spent a few days in Norwich and Matt got me some lovely presents (he made me open some but I’ve saved a few) and below you can see the amazing picture he’s drawn off us 🙂

I came home to London to find my self-published book! It had typos which I have hopefully sorted now but I’d really welcome some feedback. When I get published by a publishing company (remaining positive and not saying ‘if’) I want it to be very visually exciting but I’ve just done the basic bones so that if people want to rip it apart for the poetry they can. That said, if someone completely hated it, they probably wouldn’t like anything I did but I am welcoming any constructive criticism.

I’ve also got an eBook and priced them both quite cheaply. The hard copy comes with extra poems and costs £2 more than the eBook. Both are available here from Lulu by clicking here. In about 6-8 weeks they’ll be available from other places like Amazon too. Great if you end up with a new Kindle or Ipad in your stocking this year. It’s Christmas in half an hour – so have a great time celebrating!

xxx