So, I haven’t written in over two months. The last time I wrote, I said it had been a quieter period. As you can imagine this has been quite the opposite.
I am still working on a lot of the different things I have intended to work on outside of my course. I also made a big reading list and printed off the university reading list for the summer, and only now am I really able to have some time, which I hope will mean that I can read after having given myself a break.
I spent July tutoring and teaching English as a foreign language. I had quite a few busy weekends as one of my school friends got married in Cornwall and I celebrated my gran’s birthday in Rye.
I also did two weeks of nannying, which was exhausting, but a big learning experience too, working with children in a context outside of education, ahead of my CAMHs placement.
When I looked back in my diary, I had also scheduled in some rest, but this was because I was physically unwell. It dragged on and on, but I couldn’t afford not to work.
I also got my hair bleached, which I don’t think particularly suits me. It’s a blonde ombré, I believe, but I got it done because I missed having my dip dyed hair and I am quite a low maintenance person and it’s fun, but also easier to maintain than the under died bits I had previously.
I went to Rally festival even though I wasn’t feeling 100%. I was really disappointed that Festival didn’t communicate that Princess Nokia had had to pull out because I really wouldn’t have gone in order to preserve my energy. We didn’t even know that she’d pulled out because they didn’t inform people via email, but only on social media. We just waited at the stage and people were going on about someone else and we were really confused. I had been so looking forward to seeing Princess Nokia, having missed her the couple of other times that my friends have gone to see her.
The day after I finished work, I headed to the airport to go to Türkiye. It was my partner’s 30th birthday and it was such a privilege to go to his home country. We spent a lot of time with his friends and family, and travelled around a few places not too far from Istanbul. It has inspired me to put more effort into learning the language as I spent a fair bit of time not knowing what was going on. As well as some sightseeing in Istanbul, we also got three proper beach days we went to the island Bozcaada for two nights and Heybeliada for a day. I ate such good food and I feel very grateful to have had a whole mix of home-cooked meals and been treated to delicious dishes that I wouldn’t have otherwise discovered, as well as a few personal fines on a little island get-away.
Once I returned, I had some time to myself, but I didn’t get much at first, as I went to All Points East to see The Strokes, where I was really gutted to have stupidly been at the wrong stage, missing Be Your Own Pet, who I was really looking forward to seeing. I have also now accepted that The Strokes on that great live. girl in red stole the show for me and really just made the whole experience worthwhile, as well as spending time with two of my favourite Nats (who we discovered have the same second name too!)
The next day I was in Portsmouth for two nights working at Victorious Festival. I did bar work and I hadn’t done bar work for a long time and maybe it was the festival vibes, but I really enjoyed it, and met one person I wanted to keep in touch with, and having just bumped into her after not thinking I’d see her ever again, I had to ask! I was really fortunate to have a shift on the Saturday, facing the stage where I got to see the likes of Kate Nash and Kasabian. I wasn’t so lucky on the second day when I was at a bar facing the opposite direction. We had to open loads of cans, and even more so on that particular bar and so all of my fingernails broke off by the end of it and it was really painful as I had been moved from a good bar to a rubbish one, I was feeling quite pissed off, to be honest, as well as a couple of times where I was spoken down to, which I didn’t appreciate. However, aside from a couple of people, most of the festival-goers were in an infectious good mood and it was actually quite difficult to stay grumpy!
On the bank holiday, Monday. I had a student that I had to visit. Unfortunately they weren’t engaged, so I didn’t get to tutor them. However, once I came home, I did some lesson planning for the week ahead. I ended up having to switch that around because the group I was teaching wasn’t as expected. But I did two weeks of online lessons teaching English as a foreign language and although there were difficulties because a lot of the teenagers didn’t like to be on screen, and so it felt more disconnected than in person, overall I really enjoyed it. I also stayed with my parents as I could do it remotely, so that was a plus.
I had a lot of chores to do around the flat and I was really needing some me time, but I had a really great day going to Whitechapel Gallery to see an exhibition going to Bi Pride with a friend and bumping into a few poets there, and then I saw a fantastic film Scrapper on my own a Catford Mews, the cinema where I host She Grrrowls. I also noticed, the guy who runs the comedy night a couple of seats down for me also on his own, which made me laugh, the fact that we both are watching Scrapper on our own making the most of the £3 tickets. As the tickets were sold cheap, I had actually bought two thinking that I would be able to find someone to come with me at short notice, which was very wishful thinking, as someone in their 30s.
The following week I started with some students in addition to the teaching I was already doing. I also saw the new biopic about Amy Winehouse, but I can’t say no more about that right now. I’ve also been doing some Lego parties and had some time to see friends and family, as well as have some me-time at the Lido to make the most of the good weather.
I have now been balancing students with getting top on top of other things. It’s amazing how full everything can be, even when I haven’t started university on my placement or completely sorted, my schedule of students for the remaining days, I’ve been dealing with a lot of difficult and time-consuming things with my flat. This has been really stressful, put a strain on my relationship and it’s also still ongoing. Thankfully I’ve managed to ask if I can delay my placement until this stuff is sorted, which should be mid-October, so, I really am trying to get through this time until then and that’s honestly just what it feels like. I’ve been so overwhelmed, to the point of giving up. But I put on my insect socks as I bagged up everything for fumigation (yes, we’ve had bed bugs, amongst a broken down washing machine, leaking ceiling and more…) because you’ve got to have a sense of humour when shit hits the fan.
But I am trying to find some joy where I can, whether that’s just now having seen a friend who is also a neighbour, having some hot chocolate and cake, or whether it’s having some me-time with a bath and a book, or enjoying the routine I have with my partner of having dinner and watching something on Netflix, or finding ways to deal with my emotions like writing in my phone what I’m feeling at that time to self-regulate, or finally getting out my sketchbook and drawing whilst listening to an audiobook. On top of the things that I have these goals to do, I think I need to accept that until I have the stuff sorted with my living situation, that my priorities might shift and that’s okay and I can practice gratitude in that I have this time now to have that flexibility, to support my partner at a time when he doesn’t have that luxury, and perhaps I will get more into that routine once the stress has simmered down.
Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!
Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer. 