At the moment, countless things are going wrong with my living situation, which has been time consuming, costly and is causing me ongoing stress. This won’t be fully sorted until towards the end of next month, so I’m just trying to get through this period, and really hoping things will improve then. Thankfully, I have been able to delay the start of my placement. Just today, I’ve been given the all clear to go ahead, but if I can make sure that I am in a better space physically and mentally before I start, then I should be kind to myself and allow it.
My inspirational younger cousin – a fellow artist and writer – before jetting off to Bulgaria
With the time I’ve had before the new term kicks off, I’ve been setting up my work and have been completing a new ACE application. If it pays off, it will be really helpful to pay my training fees, giving me consistency and also doing something I love. I also had a breakthrough moment with one of my students, who I will have to stop tutoring due to my placement starting, but it’s so great to see their confidence improve. I’ve also had a couple of successful interview to get on a couple more agency’s books.
Bug socks, because you have to keep your sense of humour to get you through the bad times
However, I’ve also had some creative disappointments too. I didn’t make it onto the Southbank’s New Poetry Collective, and I didn’t get a competitive commission that would have tied in so well to the work I’m doing, and really helped me financially. I’m finding it quite challenging to celebrate others’ successes without negatively comparing myself. However, being involved in actually sharing and creating work has really uplifted me. It’s important to know what actions you can take to get you out of those feelings.
Posting more videos on TikTok & Insta whilst I have the time
So, I haven’t written in over two months. The last time I wrote, I said it had been a quieter period. As you can imagine this has been quite the opposite.
I am still working on a lot of the different things I have intended to work on outside of my course. I also made a big reading list and printed off the university reading list for the summer, and only now am I really able to have some time, which I hope will mean that I can read after having given myself a break.
I spent July tutoring and teaching English as a foreign language. I had quite a few busy weekends as one of my school friends got married in Cornwall and I celebrated my gran’s birthday in Rye.
Love love 💕
I also did two weeks of nannying, which was exhausting, but a big learning experience too, working with children in a context outside of education, ahead of my CAMHs placement.
When I looked back in my diary, I had also scheduled in some rest, but this was because I was physically unwell. It dragged on and on, but I couldn’t afford not to work.
I went to Rally festival even though I wasn’t feeling 100%. I was really disappointed that Festival didn’t communicate that Princess Nokia had had to pull out because I really wouldn’t have gone in order to preserve my energy. We didn’t even know that she’d pulled out because they didn’t inform people via email, but only on social media. We just waited at the stage and people were going on about someone else and we were really confused. I had been so looking forward to seeing Princess Nokia, having missed her the couple of other times that my friends have gone to see her.
The day after I finished work, I headed to the airport to go to Türkiye. It was my partner’s 30th birthday and it was such a privilege to go to his home country. We spent a lot of time with his friends and family, and travelled around a few places not too far from Istanbul. It has inspired me to put more effort into learning the language as I spent a fair bit of time not knowing what was going on. As well as some sightseeing in Istanbul, we also got three proper beach days we went to the island Bozcaada for two nights and Heybeliada for a day. I ate such good food and I feel very grateful to have had a whole mix of home-cooked meals and been treated to delicious dishes that I wouldn’t have otherwise discovered, as well as a few personal fines on a little island get-away.
Making partner be a tourist in his own country
Once I returned, I had some time to myself, but I didn’t get much at first, as I went to All Points East to see The Strokes, where I was really gutted to have stupidly been at the wrong stage, missing Be Your Own Pet, who I was really looking forward to seeing. I have also now accepted that The Strokes on that great live. girl in red stole the show for me and really just made the whole experience worthwhile, as well as spending time with two of my favourite Nats (who we discovered have the same second name too!)
Friends and Festivals
The next day I was in Portsmouth for two nights working at Victorious Festival. I did bar work and I hadn’t done bar work for a long time and maybe it was the festival vibes, but I really enjoyed it, and met one person I wanted to keep in touch with, and having just bumped into her after not thinking I’d see her ever again, I had to ask! I was really fortunate to have a shift on the Saturday, facing the stage where I got to see the likes of Kate Nash and Kasabian. I wasn’t so lucky on the second day when I was at a bar facing the opposite direction. We had to open loads of cans, and even more so on that particular bar and so all of my fingernails broke off by the end of it and it was really painful as I had been moved from a good bar to a rubbish one, I was feeling quite pissed off, to be honest, as well as a couple of times where I was spoken down to, which I didn’t appreciate. However, aside from a couple of people, most of the festival-goers were in an infectious good mood and it was actually quite difficult to stay grumpy!
Portsmouth
On the bank holiday, Monday. I had a student that I had to visit. Unfortunately they weren’t engaged, so I didn’t get to tutor them. However, once I came home, I did some lesson planning for the week ahead. I ended up having to switch that around because the group I was teaching wasn’t as expected. But I did two weeks of online lessons teaching English as a foreign language and although there were difficulties because a lot of the teenagers didn’t like to be on screen, and so it felt more disconnected than in person, overall I really enjoyed it. I also stayed with my parents as I could do it remotely, so that was a plus.
I had a lot of chores to do around the flat and I was really needing some me time, but I had a really great day going to Whitechapel Gallery to see an exhibition going to Bi Pride with a friend and bumping into a few poets there, and then I saw a fantastic film Scrapper on my own a Catford Mews, the cinema where I host She Grrrowls. I also noticed, the guy who runs the comedy night a couple of seats down for me also on his own, which made me laugh, the fact that we both are watching Scrapper on our own making the most of the £3 tickets. As the tickets were sold cheap, I had actually bought two thinking that I would be able to find someone to come with me at short notice, which was very wishful thinking, as someone in their 30s.
Bi Pride
The following week I started with some students in addition to the teaching I was already doing. I also saw the new biopic about Amy Winehouse, but I can’t say no more about that right now. I’ve also been doing some Lego parties and had some time to see friends and family, as well as have some me-time at the Lido to make the most of the good weather.
I have now been balancing students with getting top on top of other things. It’s amazing how full everything can be, even when I haven’t started university on my placement or completely sorted, my schedule of students for the remaining days, I’ve been dealing with a lot of difficult and time-consuming things with my flat. This has been really stressful, put a strain on my relationship and it’s also still ongoing. Thankfully I’ve managed to ask if I can delay my placement until this stuff is sorted, which should be mid-October, so, I really am trying to get through this time until then and that’s honestly just what it feels like. I’ve been so overwhelmed, to the point of giving up. But I put on my insect socks as I bagged up everything for fumigation (yes, we’ve had bed bugs, amongst a broken down washing machine, leaking ceiling and more…) because you’ve got to have a sense of humour when shit hits the fan.
Canvas & Cream, Forest Hill
But I am trying to find some joy where I can, whether that’s just now having seen a friend who is also a neighbour, having some hot chocolate and cake, or whether it’s having some me-time with a bath and a book, or enjoying the routine I have with my partner of having dinner and watching something on Netflix, or finding ways to deal with my emotions like writing in my phone what I’m feeling at that time to self-regulate, or finally getting out my sketchbook and drawing whilst listening to an audiobook. On top of the things that I have these goals to do, I think I need to accept that until I have the stuff sorted with my living situation, that my priorities might shift and that’s okay and I can practice gratitude in that I have this time now to have that flexibility, to support my partner at a time when he doesn’t have that luxury, and perhaps I will get more into that routine once the stress has simmered down.
Last week was a quieter period, where I failed to get on top of things as much as I would have liked. I found my marks for my written assignment and was disappointed to get 53, just scraping a pass. I was able to share work with my peers and through this and the verbal feedback, I was able to see where I could have improved. I realised that certain learning processes aren’t working for me and my overwhelm at what to include goes back to the fact that I need to reassess the way I read in order to actually absorb it and keep track of the content to apply in written assignments. It is strange to identify as a writer and yet understand how dyspraxia is impacting my comprehension.
I had booked a half-price hot stone massage, knowing that it would be exactly what I needed. I had sprained my ankle seeing Muse in Milton Keynes (great gig, horrible journey, getting back at 2:45am) – another example of dyspraxia in action. I was about to cancel it, but in the end went through with it, and it was just the kind of somatic therapy I needed.
The rest of the week was also filled with activity, so thankfully my sprain hasn’t been too bad, and it just a bit bruised now. On Tuesday, I met with a couple of course-mates, on Wednesday I met a couple who were visiting my partner from Türkiye, on Thursday I hosted Forest Hill Stanza at Mozart London, and Friday I went bouldering for the first time (I injured my thumb slightly on a little fall when my leg slipped).
This weekend I have been to a house party; despite accepting the fact that I don’t like parties, everyone was really lovely and I had a great time. With the last remaining bit of energy, I went to Margate (thankfully by car). It felt right; I played games on the beach, swam in the sea, and ended the day on an ice-cream, followed by a cloudy lemonade sour beer at Xylo.
As the end of my first year training to be an Art Psychotherapist comes to an end, I don’t feel like I have fully accepted it. I can’t imagine how I would feel at the end of the three years, and I feel more anxious than I’ve ever felt about qualifying. Still, I have a summer where I can read and see some of my fellow course-mates.
Invigilating last weekend’s exhibition
As a tutor, I have a lot of experience with endings. However, I imagine it is all the more intense when dealing with endings in psychotherapy, likely in situations where you are powerless to extend therapy where there is still a need for it. This week, I’ve had a sudden ending, without a final session, which I feel undermines the relationship between tutor and student, and undervalues the work we do together. Yet, thinking about the neoliberal structure, my focus is initially on how I can make up the six hours of work now lost. However, I felt a need to make space to feel the sadness of the loss of this professional relationship.
Anticipating the release of Barbie
The student that I will likely now seen comes with a family tragedy, so in the learning environment there is an inevitable holding of pain, despite not being therapeutic. It is a strange time to be starting with new students, and coming towards the endings of the summer term.
Last week was less intense due to work cancellations. I had She Grrrowls on the Thursday and the private view for the Goldsmiths exhibition on the Friday. Where I could, I came in to held more with the exhibition, with Monday being sanding and painting boards, Tuesday finishing and placing the artwork, Thursday putting up some finishing touches, and Friday the same again, with the addition of making labels.
She Grrrowls was small, but mighty. I will try to keep going with the Catford Mews venue if I can. I just really loved having Phoebe Wagner feature, connecting to her Spanish heritage, and appreciated the Sims reference. I am also hoping to cook up another bigger project. I’m not on top of my emails, but when I have free time, I want to balance it between books in the sun, and creative projects in the rain. Time just seems to ebb away so quickly.
All the performers from June’s She Grrrowls
Although I had to correct a spelling mistake on my artwork (and had already paid to get a print) when I invigilated yesterday, I was really pleased to see people engage with my work. I invited people to think about their defence mechanisms and sculpt fruit to represent it. At the private view, I suddenly felt quite vulnerable and exposed, even though the work wasn’t personal, I wanted people to like the concept and so I took the engagement as positive feedback.
Baby All-Clay-Gone!
I also went to the Dance and Movement Psychotherapy show, which I loved and also included a lot of visuals and provided a lot of insight into the practice. I wished there was more of a chance to make connections with the course as I’m more interested in an integrated approach to other expressive arts therapies whether dance, music, performance art or visual art.
I have kept putting off writing due to a period of intensity. This week I had less paid work due to the half term break, but somehow it still feels overwhelming at times, trying to balance everything and make time for some relaxing moments without it feeling like a checklist. Still, I’m writing this as I wait for the 122 to a student with heavy traffic delays.
Kunst(Zeug)Haus exhibit
I don’t think I’ve written for the whole of May. It wasn’t all work and no play though. I went to Switzerland for the first time, to meet my partner’s parents. I really managed to switch off, saw some great artwork, and caught up with some reading for uni. In order to do that, I had to cancel some work, or where possible move it from one bank holiday to another.
Just before my birthday, I had an interview for my placement at Coram. I found out the next day that I got it! Plus I’ll be working with another Goldsmiths student from my year. I’m really looking forward to it and hope to make lots of time for reading over the summer.
Interview ready
I had a few days off for my own and family birthdays. I went to a comedy night, had family over for food and cake, went to an Everyman Cinema Eurovision screening with a friend, and spent the actual day of my birthday chilling – I went swimming, had a pub roast and watched Rye Lane. There were shitty points, and my roasts are better than the overpriced pub one, but I had a lot of fun too.
Mi Familia
Despite having written my coursework assignment in one sitting at the start of the month, this was just the reflective part. I then had to read and integrate the theory into the coursework and often worked until 11pm/12/1am leading up to the deadline, trying to perfect it. Eventually I had to accept that I couldn’t read more and submitted it.
Mi amiga
The assignment and paid work took over until I submitted on 25th May. I then had a weekend of celebrations, including seeing The Beths with my dad, Wide Awake Festival on the Saturday with my partner, and catching up with a picnic with a friend on Sunday after work.
Mi novio
Monday ended up pretty much being a write-off, and since then I’ve been focussing on my artwork for the MA Art Psychotherapy exhibition, which is done a rough plan for that day. Aside from this and work, I also had a picnic with my partner and parents. As much as I would have loved to stay in the sun, I had to get back to my canvas. It feels so good to paint and I’m really happy with how it’s turning out. The private view will be at Goldsmiths University on 16th June, with the exhibition continuing until Monday 19th June.
I also did my first paid cat-sitting job and got to look after one of my favourite breeds! This is Harriet – hopefully I’ll get to see her again!
Like it always seems, I’ve been thinking about balance and protecting time. Specially, protecting time for rest and creativity. When I create, I feel energised in a way that also comes from resting. I am reminding myself of the sacrifices I’m choosing to make, and the reason why I’m working so much is to pay for my studies. They have to be priorities. I want to maintain my relationships, but I also need to trust that my friends, family and partner will understand and support me in this time and know that I’m not going anywhere, and neither are they.
New reading group room has fancy chairs and everyone’s first reaction is to sit in on.
Working on Sundays, albeit for two hours, is not working for me. That time is going to be all the more necessary when I’m on my work placement, training on the job, as it were. This is time that from June I want to protect: to lay in with my partner, to move my body, to create, to read, and to connect with others even if that just means a phone call or local quick cuppa, because I’ll be getting ready for the week ahead, making lunches and having a relaxing bath. There may be exceptions, but they should be exceptions to this rule.
Morning sun.
Whenever I talk about how busy I am, I am annoyed, feeling complicit and perpetuating this capitalistic culture of busyness. I don’t want to compare between friends how busy we are. The people I admire are those who are resting more. #goals
I’ll be posting more about this on Instagram at some point.
So, what am I already doing to protect my time from work that I can emulate in other ways, on other days? I’m not working Tuesday afternoons, I’m debriefing with colleges and when I have to work, it’s an exception to the rule (for example, I’m actually going away over the bank holiday, but this means moving some work to the bank holiday this Monday and to the Tuesday evening). I’m protecting my Friday yoga class as the teacher is the best I’ve ever had, and despite being in a gym, it feels like a deep and somatic, spiritual experience. Even if I have to wear my gym clothes for the rest of the day.
Letting my friends know my social life will be sacrificed somewhat.
I’m also protecting Pilates on Thursdays, and Zoca dance on Saturday as much as possible. Plus boxing when I have the energy. Generally speaking, moving my body helps me in all other areas of my life, whether that’s walking more, going to the gym, or doing some other activity. Keeping to routines also helps me with increasing my sleep, which is also a major goal for me, the impact of which on other areas of life is underestimated.
Last Saturday, I hosted a Lego party, and the next day the mum complained about me, with the goal it seemed to get me to lose my job. She claimed that I wasn’t qualified or suitable for the job.
Given that I have done the same for the past four parties and was even given a tip by the last parent, it seemed it was more about the disappointment at the children losing interest in the activity that was more suitable for her older son, plus a dislike for my personal style of facilitation.
I tried not to take it personally, was supported and didn’t lose the work, sent an email in response, and took action where I could. So, I’ve edited my profile on the website, and have crafted an email to send out prior to parties to set expectations. I am not a party entertainer, I’m a party facilitator, and my job is to follow the workshop programme as per my training, interacting with the children, but mostly making sure they know what they are doing and are working and having fun together.
This week, I had my gran visit, and eased back into my regular work schedule. On Tuesday, I also had a couple of fellow Trainee Art Therapists over and we baked cupcakes. It made me think back to the Red Sky Sessions with Apples & Snakes about doing something creative every day, and thinking this doesn’t have to be visual art or poetry, but can also be baking!
My energy levels have been really unpredictable recently. Last week, they went up, only to come crashing down. Thankfully I managed to ask a family if I could tutor online for a couple of days, and now I’m am out and about after a morning yoga session. This week I have mainly seen the one student who is coming up to his GCSEs. He and the rest of the family were still sleeping when I arrived!
I’ve seen a lot of family, and met my cousin’s baby (I’m just calling myself an aunt because neither of us have siblings). I’ve also done lots of creative work; I painted last Sunday in response to the Coram conversation panel and poetry night, and I caught up with a Red Sky Session the day after doing a very career-based one, which actually left me feeling quite down on myself. It was doing the creative part that made me feel good. My partner joined me and I loved the synchronicity of our images, with both our arms up in the air!
I have next Tuesday off thankfully, because I’ll need my energy with all the work I’ve got coming up! Tutoring will be back in full swing next week, the Art Psychotherapy training starts up again the following week, and I’ve got a couple of consecutive weekends of Lego parties!
This week I have been even more exhausted than last week. Now, other than a couple of hours on Sunday, I have a few days to relax with family. Although this means travelling, there’s enough down time until next Wednesday when I will be easing back into work before things get super busy again the following week.
I cancelled some activities on Saturday to rest, but it was a struggle. On Monday, I attended a conversation panel at Coram – a potential placement as an Art Psychotherapy trainee. On Wednesday, I was back there for their poetry night, and although unplanned, I ended up sharing a piece (my name in an english accent, previously published in The Rialto). It was so interesting to get an insight into people who are care-experienced, and the intersection with being mixed race or growing up in a transracial family.
Aside from this, I have been teaching EFL in the mornings, with a few long days of also tutoring and doing related activities until the evening. It’s been full on, and the sun right now makes this slight break all the sweeter.
Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer. 