Tag: poetry

Last week I had my appointment with Universal Credit and I ended up crying again. The system is so broken. It felt more like an interrogation than support and is a humiliating process that I wouldn’t have put myself through had someone previously made it clearer that there wouldn’t be an expectation for me to find a full-time job whilst I am committed to the students I am tutoring and providing alternative education for, with a mixture of PAYE and self-employment that makes up my business as a whole. I put so much work into creating my evidence, I practically had to beg them to look at it, and not all of it was looked at. Still, it is now on my record that despite seeing a regular work coach again, if I earn a combined total of £892 or more then I won’t have to attend weekly appointments. I expect this will be the case, but with the upcoming break, it’s likely I’ll have to go through a period of attending weekly appointments.

My clinical placement is progressing, with plans in the pipeline to start with an open group and an individual in the new year. I haven’t had quite as much time for studying as I would have liked, having been roped into other tasks. However, I have finished a book and with a stack of texts still remaining from last year, I will need to prioritise and maybe even discard some that are no longer as relevant.

On the day where I would usually be at university, I finished off my Christmas ceramics and returned to the She Grrrowls Arts Council application for the fourth time. Inevitably, it’s taking longer than I expected and have been spending any time I can working on this. It would be amazing to finish it over the weekend, but it’s likely I’ll at least wait until nearer Christmas until I actually submit it. I don’t know what I’ll do if it is rejected again, but if feels like I get nearer each time and surely I shouldn’t have do it a fifth time to show my passion and dedication to the project, especially having to contend with losing my venue!

I am looking forward to finishing it so I can get really stuck into my uni work. It’s so interesting as I’m having dreams about the clinical work for the first time on this placement, which probably goes to show how much head space it’s taking up! Sorry to my friends and family as I don’t expect I’ll be seeing much of anyone until I finish – all being well – in June 2025! I have a few students still across Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, going right to 20th December, but I’m trying as much as possible to dedicate as much time as possible to studying!

Watching: Intelligence, Girls 5eva, The Simpsons

Reading: Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker (audiobook), A Matter of Security: The Application of Attachment Theory to Forensic Psychotherapy by Friedemann Pfäfflin, Fearless 2 by Francine Pascal

Podcasts: Psychiatry & Psychotherapy

Music: Black Union playlist (in preparation for NYE!)

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Last weekend was way too busy for me, and left me feeling incredibly lacking in rest and recuperation. I went to the Koestler Arts exhibition, which was very moving, especially now working in a forensic context now.

I was then confronted by my experience at a poetry event at Southwark Cathedral, where I saw a poet I used to know who has a known criminal history, which included victims within the poetry community. It left me questioning how rehabilitation is possible, but unfortunately it seems that the necessary steps within the community were not taken by this person, so now a decade or so on with no apologies and no remorse, chances that were offered were not taken, which makes this situation all the more challenging.

A dinner with friends was followed the next morning with another exhibition with my gran – Francis Bacon: Human Presence. I was particularly struck by the screaming images and cages. With my mind focussed on my placement, these paintings felt especially palpable and raw.

This week was intense, with some release as graduates came to mark the end of term at university of Tuesday. Today I’m spending over two hours travelling for one lesson! I’ve also spent way too much time trying to obtain a new DBS for working with children specifically because the one I hold is for both children and adults. Ridiculous, right?

Tomorrow I have another appointment at the job centre to attempt to be verified by them as “gainfully” self-employed. I’m armed with as much evidence as possible and all I can do is hope. Otherwise, I’ll have to give up and be stuck with a regular work coach and weekly appointments. Wish me luck! Praying I’ll win the lottery so I don’t have to deal with all this, but what are the odds?

Watching: The Simpsons, TOWIE, Futurama, Intelligence

Reading: Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker (audiobook), A Matter of Security: The Application of Attachment Theory to Forensic Psychotherapy by Friedemann Pfäfflin, Fearless 2 by Francine Pascal

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, This Jungian Life, Sleepy

Music: Weezer, Slayyyter, Nilüfer Yanya

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

I’m on my way to tutor two students and I just want to curl up and cry. How can someone who is working for free in the NHS two days a week, paying to train at a university one day a week, and still working freelance, have to contend with such inadequate services when claiming Universal Credit? I am so stressed and demoralised by this process that doesn’t seem to understand that my self-employed work is a mixture of self-employed and PAYE income.

This week has been largely positive. On clinical placement, I attended a full art therapy group and I’m getting used to the environment as time goes on. I’m realising more about my difficulties and learning to be more open about how I am experiencing things, as well as communicating my needs. I have told the people at the job centre that I cannot be put through the ordeal of another appointment whereby I need to provide documentation again only to potentially be told that I am not “gainfully” self-employed again after over seven years of surviving on my income, this being only the second time I’m claiming and previously my claim was only open one or two months from my memory. All I need is a few months of support and the way I’m being treated is so demeaning and depersonalised.

Work on Thursdays feels long and intense, even with a cancellation yesterday. Fridays fly by but end late, and it’s dark and depressing. I’m looking forward to not having this ridiculous 45-minute bus journey for a one-hour lesson, followed by a half an hour walk between students because it’s the most efficient way… but we move. I’m trying to remain positive, exercising regularly and keeping to a routine more or less, doing art-making and studying academic texts for my course. Saying no to socialising with course-mates when it feels like too much.

I have a lot of plans this weekend, also connected to my training and potential work project, and last weekend I just had the one plan, where I saw the revamped Battersea Power Station for the first time, so I’m unsure what it’s going to feel like this weekend when I really just want to curl up with my textbooks all weekend. The week feels like it was bookended with shit quite frankly, with a filling of emotional turmoil, also still having an ongoing battle with Yodel for managing to deliver two different packages to the wrong address, which was a Christmas present. I will never shop at eBay again as they have been awful to get a refund from.

Watching: The Simpsons, TOWIE, Big Boys

Reading: Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker (audiobook), A Matter of Security: The Application of Attachment Theory to Forensic Psychotherapy by Friedemann Pfäfflin, Fearless 2 by Francine Pascal

Podcasts: This Jungian Life, What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: AURORA, Weezer

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

I write this on my way to a student on a bus where someone just checked the driver was going to the shown destination, which I’d just asked when getting on. It’s a journey that takes me 45 minutes each way, so for a one-hour lesson, I’m looking forward to ending. Usually I also then have to walk half an hour to another student, but it’s half-way home, so I hope I can continue in the new year with this student so it’ll be a short walk away.

Last weekend I saw Jimmy Eat World and PUP, which was so much fun! The next day I saw my friend off, who is leaving the country with her partner tomorrow! I then spent the whole of Sunday working and studying. Even if I hadn’t had such a social Saturday, it’s what I imagined I would do anyway, though I hope to fit in a duvet day before the end of the year!

Otherwise, it has been a typically routined week, with my clinical placement on Mondays and Wednesdays, university of Tuesdays (where I’m enjoying the ceramics sheds, including my first time glazing), and a full day of back-to-back lessons on Thursdays. Friday is my least hectic day, and I want to keep it that way. I still have lessons, but it also means I can start the day with yoga, get some chores done, and I’m also due to have some study support sessions in future. The tutor becomes the tutee. However, today time was filled by a Zoom call with a potential event partner for the She Grrrowls project I’m working on, pending funding, from June next year.

Watching: The Simpsons, Big Boys, TOWIE, Interior Chinatown

Reading: Community as Doctor by Robert Rapoport, Sexy but Psycho by Dr Jessica Taylor, In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust (audiobook), The Woman in Me by Britney Spears (audiobook), Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker (audiobook), A Matter of Security: The Application of Attachment Theory to Forensic Psychotherapy by Friedemann Pfäfflin

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, This Jungian Life

Music: Jimmy Eat World, PUP, Weezer, AURORA, Britney Spears, Regina Spektor

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Last weekend, I had nothing scheduled beyond my 9am Saturday lesson and the gym. I intended to study as much as possible, putting in a total of about five hours, which doesn’t feel good enough. I did also finish writing my latest piece for The Norwich Radical and have been scheduling in some time for admin so I can gradually work through my to-list yet still prioritise reading for my course.

Aside from this, I ended up doing some local cat-sitting, but was horrified to find out on my way to the evening feed that at the exact time I was doing the first visit, a man died in a shooting just five minutes’ walk away. I’d come back from a Turkish shop in Catford when a friend sent me a report that said the bus I was on wasn’t calling at the stop, so walked past the police tape.

I attended my placement solo on the Monday. I was warned I could feel shitty and for several reasons, that day had come. So, I saw my parents for dinner and went to see Paddington in Peru, which was exactly what I needed. It had me laughing out loud, but also moved me to tears, relating to elements of its story of belonging to the UK and elsewhere, more so I imagine chiming with my dad, who if gig tickets for as his birthday present.

On Tuesday, I had therapy and a visit to the ceramics shed, and it was my turn to present during supervision. Aside from some reading, I did some edits to the article and went to the gym. I had also been able to access the National Theatre ‘Death to England’ series, so finished with the televised version. I didn’t have my placement the next day, but after reading in a cafe with a friend, I had remote clinical supervision. I did some reflective art-making and notes. I had moved some of my tuition work, so I had a student then began my swimming routine.

Thursdays are now intense work-wise, but I still have time for a morning gym session, before back-to back tutoring from 11am until around 6pm. After yoga this morning, I’ve done a mixture of lesson planning, admin (grant application!), and studying. I finished a whole book and an academic paper, so I’m feeling primed to see Jimmy Eat World with PUP supporting solo tonight!

Watching: The Simpsons, TOWIE, Exploding Kittens, National Theatre Live (Death to England)

Reading: Community as Doctor by Robert Rapoport, Sexy but Psycho by Dr Jessica Taylor, In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust (audiobook), The Woman in Me by Britney Spears (audiobook), Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Courageous Arts: A Deeper Dive

Music: Jimmy Eat World, PUP, AURORA, Jacob Alon

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Last weekend, I spent a lot of time doing emails and admin, as well as seeing a few friends. I went for a meal at Silk Road for my friend’s 30th, which had hand-stretched noodles and a mix of flavours from the Xinjiang region of China, which was really interesting.

I went to Leo’s in Sydenham for the first time as poet friend Lateisha Davine Lovelace-Hanson was performing there. Including vegan food, with poetry and music, and the flow of intense through the room, it was a really special night. I got to see Viola’s Room again the next morning without interruption and was back in Forest Hill for the Stanza open mic that afternoon.

This week was the first of two days of placement and my first group. It was very eventful and seems to be a turbulent time at the moment. It’s clear that a lot of processing is needed and I’m maintaining a fairly regular response art-making practice, which I’m pleased about. I’ve also managed to spend more time in the ceramics shed at university, so I’m glad to be making up for lost time after two years of not being able to fit it in my schedule.

Yesterday I had some safeguarding training online, then gave blood. After a bit of a poor choice cafe-wise, I got cosy with some university books in Upper Norwood Library, a lovely library, where I’ve also previously performed poetry. I then met a friend after who is sadly leaving the country, so possibly the last time we share a meal together for a long time.

Today, I’ve had one student and returned home to deal with the news that Catford Mews, the venue for She Grrrowls, has closed. I had known there were financial issues, but it is such as shame that Lewisham Council had to close it, and so suddenly. As I don’t have the capacity right now to find a new venue, I’ve decided to cancel all events for the foreseeable. I will work on another ACE application for when I finish my studies next June and try to secure a new venue for September 2025, where I hope to be able to do regular events that then lead up to a launch event. Meanwhile, I’ll be focussing on my course, and trying to save around £3000 towards my tuition fees.

Watching: The Simpsons, Made in Chelsea, TOWIE

Reading: Art Therapy for Psychosis by Katherine Killick, Community as Doctor by R. Rapoport, Art Therapy, Race and Culture by Jean Campbell, and Introduction to Psychotherapy by Anthony Bateman

Podcasts: Let’s Talk About Forensic Psychology, What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: GRLwood, AURORA, Ashnikko

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Last weekend, I was due to go to Seven Sisters for a hike, but ended up with a much needed restful Sunday at home due to the windy weather conditions. I’m hoping we will eventually do the walk, but I’d rather go in sunnier weather, so happy to postpone until next year even. I did see The Last Dinner Party with a friend from university who introduced me to them, so we got to catch up too, which was lovely.

On placement, I had my first experience of a ward round, which is actually around a table rather than around the ward, as I had taken that too literally. Things are going slowly as I had a reading day at home on my next usual placement day. I issued a complaint about my experience on the training the previous week, though I’m unsure it’s being handled in the best way. Perhaps I needed to be more mindful of the person seeing what I’ve written, which is not what I expected and not how I would have necessarily framed it. Again, I need to think about how these experiences might mirror the experiences of their service users. I tried to look at assignments but this felt somewhat unproductive as I’m unable to access the disability study support services at the moment, grades are still not confirmed and the assignments aren’t fully updated on the VLE platform.

Some students have started their half-term break already, which means I’ve been able to be more flexible with timings, but also that I’ve home cancellations. I’m starting up again with a student I had previously that has been on hold due to health issues. I’m looking forward to some time this afternoon to study and get a few things on my to-do list ticked off. I’m looking forward to seeing some friends over the weekend and also attending a local poetry event at Leo’s in Sydenham for the first time.

Watching: The Simpsons, Brassic, Exploding Kittens, TOWIE, Made in Chelsea

Reading: The Complete Short Stories by Saki, Art Therapy for Psychosis by Katherine Killick

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Let’s Talk Forensic Psychology, Sleepy

Music: The Last Dinner Party, GRLwood, PUP, Jimmy Eat World, AURORA, chloe moriondo

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

I’ve been spending every spare moment this week either applying for funding grants, attempting getting on top of emails, and going through my new to-do lists on Trello. It’s kind of like going back to my spreadsheet method but you can automate actions, for example, when you tick something off, you can automatically add it to a different list or archive it.

After just getting in surf things on Saturday, I had a lovely Sunday visiting a pop-up sauna in Beckenham and having a bite to eat after. My placement on Monday was cancelled, which was good in a way because I didn’t sleep well at all, having been woken up by noise and then had an argument. The next night, my sleep was also disturbed as I had been brewing Chaga on a low heat, forgotten to turn it off and thankfully was woken up by the smoke detectors, which had just been tested. Moments later, it could have caught alight, so the alarms are literally life-savers!

Part of my training to be an Art Psychotherapist is to think about how this disturbance then relates to my clients, or potential clients. It’s been an emotionally intense week, as I recently shared on Instagram how I was called shy in front of a group of strangers during Emergency Life Support Training by a man who then said, “I bet she talks more to people she knows”. It meant a lot to me that so many people responded with kind words, many of whom the experience resonated with.

As well as the few students I currently have, I also cried for the second time in public this week as I was very confused to hear that I’m not “gainfully” self-employed, thinking this meant that I wouldn’t be getting any Universal Credit. After sharing seven years of documentation of being self-employed, along with bank statements, it could have been better explained to me beforehand what the potential outcomes could be. Alas, my coach was able to reassure me and I managed to calm. I then had an interview for another tuition agency, and was successful again.

I’ve been reading more for my course and even managed a trip to Senate House to pick up a book that wasn’t otherwise accessible. Now in my final year, I’m finding it hard to know which books particularly to read. I know there’s going to be more than a lifetime of reading I’ll want to do. I have also been able to do more artmaking this week, so I hope to keep it up.

I did go to an event called Non-Monopoly this week and met some cool people, as well as bumping into someone I knew through poetry who is also in their final year training to be a therapist – wild! I’ve described myself as a “solo poly” in the past, but actually do lean more towards monogamy. I have since described myself as a “polysexual monoromantic bi woman”. I think it’s okay to not want to involve anymore cismen (one is handful enough), seeing as my friend ended up in a relationship with a woman eventually that way (slightly kidding as I think it’s okay regardless, but sometimes gets frowned upon). Even when I was identifying as a solo poly, I have to admit when I caught feelings, it was hard to keep up with my polycule. However, I think non-monogamy has a lot of useful reading and values that chime with me, that perhaps make me more “monogamish”. My view is that non-monogamous relationships shouldn’t be stigmatised, but they also shouldn’t be held up to be morally superior or more enlightened. Anyway, it was essentially a board game night where you could meet like-minded people. I’ve also just realised the name includes both the words “mono” or “poly”, so if “non” neither label is needed.

Watching: The Simpsons, Nobody Wants This, Girls 5ever, La Maquina

Reading: Suffering Insanity by R.D. Hinshelwood, The Complete Short Stories by Saki, Art Therapy for Psychosis by Katherine Killick

Music: The Last Dinner Party, Etta Marcus, Damsel Elysium, Lucia & The Best Boys

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!