poetry books – Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer.

Freelance Reflections #180

So, some of my tutoring work will carry on into the new year, but thankfully it’s the one I can walk to, and the one I take a fairly long bus to is ending today! In my full time role, I’m gradually increasing my caseload and starting to do more work independently. I love my team so much and feel so thankful, especially as my personal life has been so difficult, it’s also a great distraction to be spending five days a week there.

Yet, it’s important to remember that it is tough to keep going and to allow time for grief, to lean into it, to process, the heal in snatched moments each day. I process a lot through writing, so when it comes to me, I turn my pain into poetry.

I’m still unsure about my online presence, as I would prefer people I’m working with to respect my privacy, and it’s now pretty impossible to grow any audience with a private profile, and though someone did give me a follow request through comment engagement on others’ posts, that’s also something I’m wanting to minimise… and since cutting down my social media time to once a week, I’m finding myself staying up to the early hours when I do go online. So, finding the ideal time to curb it is difficult.

I don’t have much time after my commute to do much else other than exercise, eat, and sleep, so I’ve had some late nights trying to do a few bits and pieces – namely, I have a very important submission deadline. It also wasn’t helpful that I went to see Joseph Morpurgo’s Sleeping Sounds for Baby. It was a bit hit-and-miss for me, but I liked the concept, admired its creativity and ingenuity, and some parts were properly laugh-out-loud funny! I do need a day’s notice but that’s pretty spontaneous for me! And although autism means structure and routine are important to me, I do believe it’s important to break out of this sometimes, so I postponed my swim for Thursday.

I had post-work plans today, but they were cancelled. I made new ones, then they were cancelled. So, I took it as a message from the universe to stay in and maybe watch a film after some creative work as I have an early rise the next day anyway.

Watching: Girlfriends, Ted Lasso, Severance, The Amanda Knox Story, Ripples

Reading: The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, The Autistic Burnout Workbook by Megan Anna Neff, I cannot be good until you say it by Sanah Ahsan, In Search of Lost Time / In Remembrance of Things Past Volume 3 by Marcel Proust

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Doja Cat, Dua Lipa, Die Spitz, System of a Down, Mumford & Sons, Say Anything

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #179

News

I worked tutoring last Saturday then went to Wayne Thiebaud’s American Still Life exhibition at Somerset House. It sparked an idea to use polymer clay to make some 3D versions of the painting, which I’m saving for the new year.

On the Sunday I ran the Forest Hill Stanza open mic, which was small, but lovely, and included people who came back from different times before. In my full time job, I had three days of RAID training, which was so good! It’s basically a way to reduce restrictive practice and was great to work alongside different colleagues outside of my team.

Yesterday was an exam day, so I didn’t have to work, and I’ve had a family-filled and art-filled weekend. I went down Havelock Walk for the open studios, and went back to the Museum of Dreams to show some of my family. Today I visited some of my younger cousins and got to play games and make puzzles with them, and left later than anticipated, but still didn’t feel like long enough.

Now it’s soon time to get ready for another week. It will be my first official week with a caseload and with my regular rotation of locations. Meanwhile, I’ve still been applying for creative opportunities and submitting poems for publication and so on. It’ll be another six-day week, but hopefully the last!

Watching: Severance, Girlfriends, Enviosa

Reading: The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, The Autistic Burnout Workbook by Megan Anna Neff, Neverland by Vanessa Kisuule, I cannot be good until you say it by Sanah Ahsan

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Delilah Bon

If you’d like to buy some books, please do! Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #178

News

After a stressful time last week with looming bills I wasn’t sure I could afford, I’ve suddenly now got some financial stability as I transition out of freelance life and into full-time employment. This was followed by strange guilt-ridden spending on myself and others (with Christmas coming).

I’m realising what I need now is to focus on myself and my creative goals and artmaking. I think I’ve been worried about my age and not having time to delay, thinking I could plan my healing journey. However, it’s not something that can be rushed and so what is best is tuning into what I want and what fulfills me, and that is time alone and time for creativity, rather than meeting anyone new anytime soon (or even anyone old… since I’m still being contacted by men I’ve not even met from over five years ago).

I’ve been longlisted for a couple of things I can’t mention, and I was recently had a paid publication in Candlestick Press’ Ten Poems About Mothers. It’s beautiful and I am absolutely honoured to be published alongside the other poets, including Jackie Kay, who I studied at university during my undergraduate degree in English Literature!Other poems are by Laurie Bolger, Maura Dooley, Jonathan Edwards, Joanna Ingham, Jackie Kay, DH Lawrence, Roy McFarlane, Caleb Parkin and John Siddique. Tomorrow is also the next open mic at Forest Hill Library 2-4pm, so come along if you’re local!

Watching: Severance, Girlfriends, Envious

Reading: This is Yesterday by Rose Ruane, Black Issues in the Therapeutic Process by Isha McKenzie-Mavinga, Neverland by Vanessa Kisuule, The Trauma We Don’t Talk About by Ana Mael, I cannot be good until you say it by Sanah Ahsan, Remembering Things Past Volume 3 by Marcel Proust (audiobook recap)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Sleepy

Music: Blondshell, Hayley Williams, Queens of the Stoneage, WARGASM, Hannah Grae, Chloe Lilac, Jamie T, Bob Vylan

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #176

News

In preparation for going into my new role at the NHS as a Specialist Practitioner / Art Therapist, I attended The Art Therapy Co-op’s Unconference, organised in part by my old university supervisor. I got to see my old classmates, make art and think together, including an Art Therapy Large Group on Palestine. I spoke twice the whole day, which felt like an achievement.

I continued making art and doing more CPD the next day, as I’ve signed up for a year of weekly three-hour online seminars more broadly around psychotherapy. It will also be during my meal prep time going forward, so I’m not going to be too hard on myself for not doing all the reading and not getting overly involved. Perhaps the day before spurred me on to speak this time, though it felt like it feel flat.

On my last days of “freedom”, I tried to get better at sleeping earlier and instead just slept less, but I made the 8am Monday sauna. I did a combination of emotional work, admin, and organising before my gas was finally fixed and switched back on, so I at least managed to finally have a bath, even if it was later than expected!

I spent the first couple of days in my new role doing online training, before going into the second site that I’d not been to before. There are six wards in that one alone, so it feels overwhelming, as there may be double that including the other ward. I came in to pick up the trust laptop, but still couldn’t access it for the training from home… it then turned out it was for nurses, so that felt like a bit of a waste of time! It was great to go in and meet some of the team properly though.

I’ll be working in Isleworth two days a week, and having spent a lot of my early 20s there due to my first love being there, so it felt very strange to be back there. Also working in Hammersmith, where my gran lived and worked (also a psychotherapist) feels very poignant. It’s like I am being forced to revisit my past and find some kind of meaning from that.

My friend also found my doppelgänger and I was fully convinced it was an AI version of me! She’s even a life coach and writer, so working in a similar field: Beatriz Victoria Albina. I actually think I could do with giving her book a read!

In the middle of a busy weekend, having just finished work, I’m thankful I’ve at least done some meal prep for the week ahead – my first work of full time work! Even my work in education technically hasn’t been full time (and I happen to think full time work is too much and am all for a 3-day weekend!) Wish me luck!

Watching: The Celebrity Traitors, Platonic, No Number: The High School Catfish

Reading: This Is Yesterday by Rose Ruane, Black Issues in the Therapeutic Process by Isha McKenzie-Mavinga

Podcasts: Conceitednobodi, The Angie Martinez Show, You Feel Me?, The Daily Show, Hip Hop Raised Me, Best Advice: The Podcast (all about Princess Nokia)

Music: Sophie Castillo, Saya Gray, Lilly Allen, PRINCESS NOKIA!

Freelance Reflections #175

News

So, I left off last time with my anterior uveitis diagnosis, and to add insult to injury, my left wrist/hand is playing up, as is my groin/hip area, so I’m hoping a trip to the GP can sort me out with some blood tests to see if this is related or not. Meanwhile I’m trying to do some physio exercises.

I also smelt gas in my communal area on Monday, and decided to call the national gas emergency line, who came within an hour and confirmed (to their surprise) that there was in fact a leak… which has turned into multiple leaks and lots of digging up in the street. I’ve had no gas since then, and was only delivered some fan heaters and a hot plate after I asked for some on Wednesday night. Thankfully, I have an electric oven and shower, though I am contemplating running the shower into the bath… but probably not as it would be too expensive!

I only have a couple of students now, and as my induction is around 3 weeks, it won’t be too bad working a few hours on a Saturday as well, if I can get some time off in December. Meanwhile, I’ve made some time to write some poems that aren’t about my breakup (since 90% of my poetry at the Forest Hill Stanza open mic is about my breakup), and I finally did some artmaking in response to exhibitions I’d been to over the summer, including this self-portrait influenced by Yoshimoto Nara.

I’m hoping to get on top of emails and make more time for creative projects and reading ahead of starting my new job! Meanwhile, I am currently awaiting an invoice that I urgently need in order to pay my rent and survive until my first payday, whenever that actually is! So much is unknown, but I’m glad to be eased into it!

Sign up to to my mailing list to keep updated here as I contemplate closing this blog series: https://beacons.ai/carminamasoliver

Watching: Girlfriends, Platonic, The Celebrity Traitors

Reading: This is Yesterday by Rose Ruane

Music: Princess Nokia, Ashnikko, Florence + The Machine

Podcasts: It Begins with You – Jillian Turecki, What Now? with Trevor Noah

Freelance Reflections #174

News

Although I am somewhat rejuvenated from a holiday in Tenerife, I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself having been unwell just before going away and on my return, taking a trip to A&E to be diagnosed with anterior uveitis in my left eye. Apparently this was not from getting splashed in the eye a lot wearing contact lenses at the waterpark but could be just because my immune system was rundown. In fact, my mum reminded me I had complained of some irritation but I didn’t realise until I had what felt like a really strange headache, followed by bloodshot eye, and then today woke up with extreme sensitivity to the light and a watering eye.

I will need to wear my glasses as much as possible and potentially avoid certain activities that may aggravate it. It has resulted in a slight loss of work today but they seem to think that it was good news that it wasn’t an ulcer as I did previously have an ulcer and that resulted in a scarring of the cornea. The vision in the left eye has been impacted and I’m feeling a bit nauseated from the eyedrop medication aside from certain chores and listening to podcast some music. I’ve become really aware of how much I use my eyes and so I do really need to be more careful and after this make sure I’m taking daily eyedrops that I was told to take for eye dryness.

As I mentioned previously, I’m going to be starting full-time work soon but this doesn’t mean the end of freelance work. I’ll be tutoring on Saturdays until January and obviously doing a lot of unpaid creative work whether that’s working towards my own personal projects or running the Forest Hill stanza or potentially During stuff with She Grrrowls. However, I envisage myself ending these posts and as I said before perhaps integrating some of my recommendations in my mailing list which I tried to send out once a month with a poem a little update and Wood be worth including some of the books I’ve been reading and so on I subscribe to Jasmine Cooray‘s poem list and to Paula Varjack‘s mailing list so with mine, I’m including a kind of more condensed list of things like Paula Varjack and kind of building onto the poem mail out that Jasmine Cooray does.

I was looking forward to having a couple of weeks now to do some art making get on top of emails. Do some submissions do a bit of crafting with old greeting cards and a bracelet making kit, as well as do my homework for the Princess Nokia gig as those who are close to me will know that I intensely listen to any artist that I book tickets to see on the lead up to seeing them. I’m meanwhile looking forward to getting my induction timetable and getting started on the 5th of November!

Watching: Shrinking, Girlfriends, The Bear

Reading: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Hannah Green, All Fours by Miranda July, Heartburn by Nora Ephron, Sexy but Psycho by Dr Jessica Taylor, and This is Yesterday by Rose Ruane

Podcasts: Jillian on Love, On Attachment

Music: Princess Nokia

Freelance Reflections #172

News

I’ve had some more time for assignments, which has felt good. Thinking about the time I have, it has felt more doable. However, there has been difficulties more recently, as due to my dyspraxia, I am able to get a tutor, but this support has been pulled due to a change in companies, so it all feels uncertain and has happened at the worst time as I really need the support for these assignments right now. I have just over a month to finish them! Thankfully I’m off uni for a month, and off placement for a couple of weeks too.

I also attended a ‘Greening Your Practice’ Forum on the day I’d normally have uni, which my placement held online, and was done in a kind of experiential way. I’m focussing on reading more papers for my FCR at the moment, so I can expand it before cutting down words… it’s currently already over 4000 words too long!

After work on Thursday, I went to see Jacob Sam-La Rose and Ella Frears. I hadn’t seen them for years! It was so lovely to see them both, hear their work, and be involved in the Q&A. Seeing all the work Ella has been doing, as someone who possibly started out a similar time to me, has spurred me on to carve more time out for my creative projects after this course and not rush into a job job until it’s something I really want, even if that means doing some voluntary work to keep my Art Psychotherapy skills going.

Today I’ll be going to a local exhibition nearby a student I’m working with, and getting stuck into more academic papers, making the most of some morning sun by walking 45-minutes there and back, also making up for my lack of movement yesterday, where I stayed locally, meeting about a potential summer She Grrrowls event, and going to the Job Centre – the woman I saw was really supportive and it seems I have needlessly taken on more work as both her and the person who is meant to be my appointed job coach have an understanding of what I’m doing at the moment! If I fail the course, I’ll potentially be on benefits for longer! On that note, time for breakfast!

Watching: The Simpsons, Missing You, Toxic Town

Reading: The Interpersonal World of The Infant by Daniel N. Stern, Art, Psychotherapy and Psychosis by Katherine Killick and Joy Schaverien, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers, Qur’an (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Bright Eyes, Green Day, Sleep Token, Bullet for my Valentine

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #171

News

Last weekend, lesson planning took me longer than expected, so I remember feeling quite stressed when I attempted to get back to assignments. I realised that most Sundays were better spent reading, though I’m feeling able to try to edit the word count of a smaller piece today. I had the draft tutorial for my longer piece and that felt quite overwhelming. There’s still a lot more work to do. My main problem is keeping to the word count, but without losing anything integral.

I went to the CPIFF film festival again, and have the last one next week. Placement was from home on Wednesday, which felt like I had a bit of a breather, though I was still working hard, I was able to take a walk and have my lunch outside, which was nice. I also had to finish a book to give back to the library by the weekend, so I spent some time outside reading where possible, but mostly I had to work indoors.

I hyper-focussed for five hours straight on Friday, completing the fifth ACE project grant application, and then the next morning, I read over it, tweaked a few last things and submitted it! That afternoon, I went with the Forest Hill Stanza group to share some poems as part of an event at Deptford Lounge. It was really lovely, well-attended, and people were really interested and I sold a few books too!

Watching: Race Across the World, The Simpsons, Adolescent

Reading: The Interpersonal World of The Infant by Daniel N. Stern, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers, Qur’an (audiobook), The Game Changers by Tim Clare (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Göksel, Download playlist, Lemon drops

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #170

News

Yesterday I started to make notes on the ACE application, responding to the appraisal. The next mission will be to add these details into a new application within the word count, plus perhaps provide more detailed information on artists, and I’m also trying to get some more information about the PR and publisher. I need to submit it within the next week or so in order to keep the project timeline the same. I’ve started a short survey to help support the application, as well as a crowd-funder for help towards the 10%.

Aside from this, last Sunday I submitted the draft of my FCR, which still needs a huge amount of work in order to be passable. I am aiming high, but setting my expectations low. Aside from attending some CPIFF events, where I saw Guy Larsen made a great animation called ‘Root Note’, who had filmed a poem of mine after I won the Poetry Rival Slam back in 2013. It’s wild to think this was 12 years ago!

Placement and work are ticking along, and I’m looking forward to a break in a few weeks so I can have more time to focus on assignments. Right now, after some tuition work I have the whole weekend to focus on studying, which is great. I also managed to get back into clay, just processing my placement and feeling it out, seeing what comes up.

Watching: The Simpsons, Race Across the World, Apple Cider Vinegar, The Search for Instagram’s Worst Con Artist, American Murder: Gabby Petito

Reading: The Elected Member by Bernice Rubens, Attacks on Linking Revisited, The Work of Whiteness by Helen Morgan, The Interpersonal World of The Infant by Daniel N. Stern, None of the Above by Travis Alabanza (audiobook), Qur’an (audiobook), The Game Changers by Tim Clare (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Leon Bridges, Ray Charles, Bullet For My Valentine

Freelance Reflections #169

News

I’m writing this on a Sunday morning, on the way to facilitate a Lego party, luckily not too far away as it’s only an hour long. I’m looking forward to spending the afternoon at the park, but with my laptop as I’m still not ready to submit my draft essay. I’m thinking to also bring some art materials to use during a break.

This week has been full of ups and downs. I hosted a SOLD OUT She Grrrowls at the Southbank Centre’s National Poetry Library, which is the first sold out show since the pandemic, having not been able to go back to The Poetry Cafe, not having heard anything directly from them about going back, and now being priced out of the hire fees.

Nathan Bowen on the boarded up Catford Mews

The day after the event, I got the rejection for the ACE funding application I had submitted for the fourth time. Once I’ve submitted the draft of my Final Clinical Report, I’m going to amend and submit for the fifth time. I’ve even tried to find out many times I would need to submit probability-wise and it could be between 5-10 times, which could take over another year. However, I’m at the point where I have tried so many times, that I’ve gone too far to just stop trying. It was apt that the theme for the event just gone was about resilience.

I’d also met Troy Cabida, who works at the library, the previous week, at Catford Library, reading his work alongside Sanah Ahsan, who I’d met for the third time but it seemed like the first time that we might not both forget that we met. I do wonder how bigger names in poetry deal with meeting so many different people!

Things are otherwise ticking along, and I started with a new student on Fridays. I’ll be tutoring history, which isn’t my specialty, but I’ve found some good resources, my student having chosen to look at Elizabethan England.

The CPIFF festival brought another coincidence as one of the films ‘Root Note’ was made by Guy Larsen, who film a poem for me back in 2013, when I won the Poetry Rivals slam. It was actually one of my favourites, so I should get in touch to say.

Watching: The Simpsons, Race Across the World, Apple Cider Vinegar

Reading: The Elected Member by Bernice Rubens, Attacks on Linking Revisited, The Interpersonal World of The Infant by Daniel N. Stern, None of the Above by Travis Alabanza (audiobook), Qur’an (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? by Trevor Noah, Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships

Music: Cheekface, Chappell Roan

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

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