poem – Page 8 – Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer.

Freelance Reflections #110

I had an art presentation at university last week, so I spent a lot of the last weekend art making. It also helped put me in touch with my emotions, as I had to contend with the fact that the idealised version in my head didn’t match the reality, and was able to notice the waves of sadness and anxiety as I let go of my desire to control. I also finally got round to combatting my fear of lino printing!

I was pleased with the presentation and wanted to use this as an opportunity to show everything that I’ve been processing, what’s been going on in my head. I also showed the poetry side, which I put down to me revealing so much of myself. It’s not because I feel safe to do so. It felt extremely vulnerable, especially when faced with the silence as questions and thoughts bubbled from my peers. I appreciated those who spoke, but I also know the times where it was difficult to process my thoughts and frame a question in the time given.

On placement, I felt myself have to contain the excitement of doing the work, as I remember speaking with a colleague and feeling this bubbling inside me, when I was talking about serious matters, to feel that I am realising this calling that has been with me for so long. Yet, I am also aware of the fact that it’s not possible to help everyone and that rather harsh reality was met in the context that I might be in the wrong time or my placement might have ended by the time this young person gets to that point in the point in the waiting list. I have to acknowledge the way I perhaps over-related to the client and put them first in terms of potentially being seen sooner by someone else.

It has felt like a busy week; I had a friend over for dinner on Monday, a late lecture on Tuesday, a film preview on Wednesday, a Zoom Stanza meeting yesterday and with a family-filled weekend and work, I’m looking forward to finishing at 7:30pm tonight and staying in – especially with the colder weather we’re having!

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #109

News

Last weekend, I worked Saturday, as I’m meeting new families and working with new students. I also went to Pitchfork Festival, where I bumped into fellow UEA alumni, Chris Ogden and Ella Jane Chappell (Ella’s book Moonrise is available here). I only really knew Porridge Radio, but I enjoyed all the bands I saw, especially Wednesday, who my friend Phil described as something like Nashville country meets Seattle grunge.

I also got a couple of uni friends to join me at a few exhibitions – the Koestler Arts one ‘In Case of Emergency’, excellently curated by poet Joelle Taylor, Sonya Dyer’s ‘Three Parent Child’ at Somerset House, and in between, an unexpected delight at the Hayward Gallery: Amol K Patil’s ‘The Politics of Skin and Movement’. This week, I’ve also got stuck into my own art-making, which I’ll share more of next week. I went to the Koestler Arts exhibition last year, and it’s always interesting, but I especially enjoyed the space given to the work this year, as well as the inclusion of spoken word poetry on telephones and poem text on clothing and canteen trays. The Hayward exhibition was like stepping into another person’s world, and I loved the video in a glass, the music from the radio, and the drawers of sand. Somerset House was interesting as I didn’t know what to expect, and it was almost like stepping onto another planet!

I’ve had a fairly active week, as I also went out on Monday to see the film ‘How to Have Sex’. I wish this kind of film had been made when I was younger, as I reflected my own experiences of sex throughout my early twenties and even my late twenties and early thirties! I don’t know if it would have changed anything, but I could only think of the film ‘thirteen’ from my time as a teenager (I was 14 when this came out), though I personally couldn’t relate to those experiences. This film felt so relatable, that I was thankful that my trip to Magaluf was when I was in a relationship (still a fairly chaotic, but overall fun trip!), and when I went away with a group of girls abroad when younger, I organised it in a more family-friendly area! Although taking place abroad, the story could easily narrate our sexual experiences at Reading Festival and UK nightclubs.

There have been ups and downs, but I also got to catch up with a couple of friends with an amazing Chinese restaurant called YeYe’s, which had particularly nice chunky dumplings and a beef noodle dish. Something else I’ve been wanting to do for a while is share what I’m watching, listening to, reading etc.

Watching: Top Boy, (Girlfriends – now taken off Netflix!), The Simpsons

Reading: Noughts & Crosses (about to go from book 4 to 5), Approaches to Art Therapy

Podcasts: Apples & Snakes, On Purpose, The Diary of a CEO, Multiamory

Music: Porridge Radio, Wednesday, Ashnikko, Slayyyter, Otoboke Beaver

Freelance Reflections #108

News

Things feel like they’re slowly coming into place. Although I’m only just staying afloat when some work gets cancelled, I also know that’s because I have had other things on my plate and there will come a time where I will have to shift priorities. At the moment, I am still able to make some time for friends’ birthdays and things, but I also have to work on accepting that I may even disappoint people or let people down, and trust that true friends will be there. I often feel heavy with responsibility, to the extent that others even expect me to be responsible for that which isn’t even mine, especially when that responsibility is joint.

Last weekend was challenging for health reasons as well as transport issues, but I managed to get away to Hastings, where I saw family and friends, and actually felt like I had some rest. I then spent the week in the routine of work, studies and placement – weirdly, I was online for most of it, with just a morning at the building. I needed that on Thursday when I had She Grrrowls in the evening! It was the most well-attended event at Catford Mews, so I’m hoping things can keep going in the new year.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #107

News, Uncategorized

Right now, I feel very overwhelmed. I’m only just keeping afloat due to work being cancelled and my flat is still not sorted, but it’s slowly getting there. I’m due to go away, but it’s hard when I’m not in the right headspace. I want to make time for friends and family, but all I really want to to build my routines.

I’m still trying to build my work up, but I’m also still wondering how I’ll manage everything, and having dipped into the money I’m saving for tuition fees, I’m also worried about how I’ll save the rest of the fees for the end of April 2024.

Meet some cool people at a Halloween Party 👻

Aside from the money and the flat issues, I’ve also got a hospital appointment on Saturday. I’ve been so focussed on everything else, I’ve not given it much thought, but I’m trying to hope for the best. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed by starting my placement, but I think a lot of it has to do with the mess in the flat. I feel so much better when everything is clean and tidy! I’m curious what it will be like once I’ve started the actual client work.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #106

News

She Grrrowls is hopefully slowly growing at Catford Mews. It’s such a lovely venue, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the acts I’ve put on and it’s such a joy to see people come back on the open mic too! I usually don’t really feel like it on my way, but when I get there, I always feel better, and at the end, it feels like we’ve achieved something, however small.

Last weekend was very eventful. I thought I would celebrate my three-year anniversary more and stay local, but instead I went solo along to the protest for Palestine. Like many, I’ve had so many sleepless nights at the extremity of the situation at the moment. I’ve been conscious of this since secondary school, yet still confused of its complexities. But like many others, I couldn’t stay home that day. I felt I had to stand up and be counted in order to show solidarity for Palestine and all civilians, to urge Israel to end the ceasefire.

I worked both mornings that weekend. Saturday ended on eating homemade sushi in front of the film Elemental. Sunday, I saw some sun whilst with some fellow art psychotherapy trainees. In central again, I enjoyed passing by a sign in a park saying ‘Welcome to Lambeth’, which is the Borough I’m doing my placement in. We played board games and strolled along the southbank.

I returned to the Horniman, where I spotted a dinosaur – something that seems to have become important in our cohort’s collective experience. I made a lovely roast, which lasted for two dinners.

Aside from the usual, I had my first week on placement, which is a strange hybrid of in-person and online. With a friend working as a social worker on the NHS, I should have gathered this, but it all is so new to me – both the kind of work, and the office environment. I reflected on this a lot through images.

I’m planning to do some artmaking now, but I feel quite overwhelmed at the moment, especially with my flat situation still being all over the place with the bedbug saga. I don’t know whether I should pressure myself or just work on getting things ready and set up for me to feel better about the space. Stating placement, I’ve had to say goodbye to one student, whose funding finished as it was. I also lost another suddenly, and I’m struggling to hear back from another.

I’ve worked out the need to save around £136 per month to save for my remaining uni frees this year. That’s a lot less than I expected, thanks to some generous donations and getting a tax refund! However, it’s still a significant stress on top of rent and bills when on placement twice a week, without much time for paid work. Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #105

News

Next week I’m officially starting my clinical placement at the NHS! Due to confidentiality and professional boundaries, it’s likely I won’t be able to share too much from these experiences in terms of specifics, so I won’t be able to be as open as is my nature.

Post-bedbugs – hopefully – I’ve had to do a lot of cleaning and putting everything back… basically like moving house, except with the anxiety of still having pests in the home! One day, I did 10,000 steps in the flat within the space of 4-5 hours of this.

So 30s is seeing friends 1-2 times per year

I’ve lost a lot of time in that way, but I’ve also gained some time with lesson cancellations. All the while, I’m wondering how I’m going to balance everything now it’s all happening! I’ll have one Sundays “off”, but this will need to largely be spent studying, and inevitably doing chores and getting things ready for the week ahead.

My basic schedule starts off nicely on a Monday with therapy in the morning, followed by afternoon/evening tutoring work. I’m at university on Tuesdays, with Wednesdays and Thursdays being my placement days. Friday, I’ve also carved some time in the morning for yoga, with tuition work from late morning to the evening.

More Sunday reading sessions at the Horniman

Saturdays, from mid—November will also be spent tutoring from the early morning until the late afternoon / early evening. Some Sundays I still have Lego parties, so I will likely cut back on these as they aren’t as reliable, so I really need to prioritise the tuition work, which is also more grounding as it means returning to a regular place of work at someone’s home, rather than going all over the place.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #101

News

Last week was a quieter period, where I failed to get on top of things as much as I would have liked. I found my marks for my written assignment and was disappointed to get 53, just scraping a pass. I was able to share work with my peers and through this and the verbal feedback, I was able to see where I could have improved. I realised that certain learning processes aren’t working for me and my overwhelm at what to include goes back to the fact that I need to reassess the way I read in order to actually absorb it and keep track of the content to apply in written assignments. It is strange to identify as a writer and yet understand how dyspraxia is impacting my comprehension.

I had booked a half-price hot stone massage, knowing that it would be exactly what I needed. I had sprained my ankle seeing Muse in Milton Keynes (great gig, horrible journey, getting back at 2:45am) – another example of dyspraxia in action. I was about to cancel it, but in the end went through with it, and it was just the kind of somatic therapy I needed.

The rest of the week was also filled with activity, so thankfully my sprain hasn’t been too bad, and it just a bit bruised now. On Tuesday, I met with a couple of course-mates, on Wednesday I met a couple who were visiting my partner from Türkiye, on Thursday I hosted Forest Hill Stanza at Mozart London, and Friday I went bouldering for the first time (I injured my thumb slightly on a little fall when my leg slipped).

This weekend I have been to a house party; despite accepting the fact that I don’t like parties, everyone was really lovely and I had a great time. With the last remaining bit of energy, I went to Margate (thankfully by car). It felt right; I played games on the beach, swam in the sea, and ended the day on an ice-cream, followed by a cloudy lemonade sour beer at Xylo.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #88

News

Last weekend I got to see the Tate Modern’s Yayoi Kusama exhibition. Although the exhibition itself was a smaller scale than I imagined, consisting of only two rooms, I was gifted the experience for Christmas and it was combined with a lunch. The food of her namesake was Japanese-inspired and it all felt so special. Amongst the chaos of everyday life, I felt I could be present.

With the news of the earthquake in Turkey and Syria, it’s been a personally challenging week, with my partner being Turkish. The destruction is unimaginable and the death toll is currently over 22,765 across both countries. It has been a massive shock to process, yet with gratitude that his immediate family were not more so impacted.

Our earth is only one polka dot among a million stars in the cosmos
Yayoi Kusama

Work this week has been disjointed; lots of cancellations for various reasons, tuition taking place in an exclusion centre rather than school, days moved, and I’ve been overwhelmed with the amount of students in need of alternative education placements.

After a young girl told me in an emotional and dramatic state that she would never draw flowers again, it seemed poignant that she incorporated them into her work as we made a colour-coded key to label different parts of speech in a sentence. Education is hugely important to me, but a lot of the time I feel more drawn to working with children in a therapeutic way, because otherwise there are so many barriers that many face in their learning.

In other news, I’ve got two events in March – the Forest Hill Poetry Stanza at Mozart London in Anerley on Friday 3rd March, and She Grrrrowls is back for International Women’s Day with a spoken word event at Catford Mews on Thursday 16th March. Watch this space for news on acts and tickets! The Stanza open mic is available to book for free on Eventbrite.

Lastly, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #87

News, Uncategorized

I’m writing this on a Sunday, which used to be a protected day, but I’m now starting to work. I’m working on at least having Tuesday and Sunday evenings free, and I have enough other self-care stuff in place that it should all be manageable. There’s flat changes going on that are being delayed, so everything is going to still be somewhat unsettled for the rest of this month.

I’ve signed up for more agencies, I’ve got a potential content writing job, and I’ve been accepted as an exam invigilator, whilst protecting my Friday yoga time. When the work starts coming in, it’s hard to protect these things, but it’s vital to prevent burnout. I don’t mind making sacrifices, and I’m no stranger to hard work, but studying at Goldsmiths, having my learning impacted by strikes (which, to be clear, I support), whilst the current warden splashes out £20,000 on Addison Lee expenses is infuriating.

Speaking of my studies, I managed to heal some trauma this week. I had an upcoming debate and put everything I could into the preparation, not knowing if I would even be able to speak on the day. Sat there in a group five times the size of the one I had to be in at school (the source of the trauma), with an audience double that, I didn’t think I’d be able to speak. However, I not only managed to speak, but also made the concluding point to the debate, was able to embrace having no structure, and others commented about how I steered the debate!

Although I’m not actively writing my show on quietness and shyness, all these experiences are feeding into my vision for what this piece could be, and the understanding of myself and how these terms apply to me. My hope in any work I create is that others connect to what I’m saying, so as much as my recent experience may seem like I’m not quiet or shy, what really enables me as someone who does identify with these terms, to have a voice, is to feel held in the space that I’m in and the people I’m with.

So, know I’m working hard to survive and save £500 a month for my course fees. If able to, please donate to my crowd funder, or share, or buy my books. Every little you can do means a lot.

Freelance Reflections #86

News

This week has been full on, with more work on, as well as preparing for debates at university. I’ve honestly put too much work into the debate preparation, and it’s been hard to focus my argument on one particular area. It’s all be really interesting though! But I still need to do the reading for the week ahead. I’ve planned loads of notes and quotes, created a PPT that can be viewed with a QR code, and made both physical and digital art.

I found out that I didn’t get the artist role at SPINE festival with Apples & Snakes. There really needs to be more transparency in the arts, which is why I will have no shame is sharing that I cried my eyes out for at least half an hour on reading the news. Yes, this was coloured by my financial situation, but I also felt embarrassed. It was the second time that I had interviewed for this position, and not only had I not been successful, I also felt really alone because I didn’t know who was in the same boat. After having done a workshop for Apples & Snakes, I went back to feeling like I don’t get picked. I consoled myself with my course, and the new direction I’m taking, but after swearing I wouldn’t do it again, I’ve signed up to do exam invigilation work, so when I could have been getting paid £200 a day in a April and May for something I love, I’ll now be getting barely over minimum wage for something that’s really mentally challenging (I try to think of it as meditation). And then it turns to self-blame, because who else is there to blame? My 5-minute workshop wasn’t as strong as others, and my answers weren’t good enough. It’s actually so demoralising. I know I’m capable of the work, but what now – try again next year?

In other news, I’ve also had two meetings about two different events in March. The first is the first Forest Hill Poetry Stanza at a cute cafe-bar ‘Mozart’ in Anerley on Friday 3rd March. The second is She Grrrowls, back for International Women’s Day on Thursday 16th March at the Catford Mews cinema. Aside from this, which is a fair bit of work for little to no pay, I’ve also got another minimum wage role for humble warrior drinks, offering product samples in store.

So, all this has been doing on whilst I’ve had my regular students, applying for more jobs, hosting the online Stanza group, and getting ready for my flatmate moving out! Thankfully I also had time for some exercise – Pilates, Yoga, Boxing and Zoca! I’m also trying to walk more again, but it’s not always possible, so I’ve only gone beyond 10,000 steps twice this week!

Once again, if you’re able to support me on my journey to becoming an Art Therapist, please consider buying my books or sharing stuff on social media, likewise with my crowdfunding campaign.

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