Tag: london

This week has been personally challenging, but it has also involved connections with friends and family, the setting of intentions and gradually building a routine. And as someone who has just sent off long Autism assessment forms, completed in a probably more ADHD-way, I do find some comfort in routines.

A lack of work has seen me sign on for Universal Credit, though last time there was less paperwork, and I think I remember getting £30 before I closed the claim, with work picking up again. So, I went in for an initial meeting this week to check ID and then I will meet a “self-employment coach”, who I hope will have some sort of understanding of being self-employed.

When on journeys from seeing family in the midlands and up north, I spent some time writing an autobiographical piece for a submission. Towards the end of it, I wondered what the benefit was and noticed there was a £20 payment if accepted. Every little helps. Though I’m so used to rejections, especially for prose, that I’m not expecting anything. I think it’s been healing in a way, exploring my relationship with stress, through the writing process.

Aside from this I’ve had to do a mock lesson, which led to an interview, and a phone call which has led to booking in another interview with a mock lesson. All to potentially be on the books of different agencies as the current ones aren’t providing me with enough work. I had a spot of temporary work giving interview practice, and have a new student now, taking me to a total of five students. I need at least six more hours of work.

Meanwhile, I’ve been applying for more work, going through emails, doing submissions, and preparing for the upcoming interviews. Whilst ironing one day, I watched the first part of a documentary series called “Defiance: Fight the Far Right”, which was horrific, but important viewing. I finally got round to watching the film Chevalier, and aside from it being in English, I thought it was also an excellent and important film.

So, it has been a somewhat social week with the family visits, but also with the Sylvan Post pub quiz, where we had two teams together – one getting the losing prize of beer cans, which we shared, and one person winning the jackpot of nearly £200, which was not shared! Man, I could have used that money right now!

Watching: Breeders, Girls 5ever, Secret Diary of a call Girl, The Simpsons, Defiance: Fight the Far Right (documentary), Chevalier (film)

Reading: Suffering Insanity by R.D. Hinshelwood, The Complete Short Stories by Saki, Time is Mother by Ocean Vuong (audiobook), Many Different Kinds of Love by Michael Rosen (audiobook)

Podcasts: Creative Codex, What Now? with Trevor Noah, ZOE Science & Nutrition, Who TF Did I Marry?

Music: The Last Dinner Party

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Things are very up and down at the moment. I’ve noticed the contradictory need to be creatively fulfilled and the pull away from this in attempt to find financial stability. How can I create balance? Knowing and doing are two different things.

After angry achy art-making listening to GRLwood to process my assignment marks and feedback last Saturday, and a lack of sleep caused by anxiety, I managed to let off some steam at Decolonise Fest at Signature Brewery in Haggerston. We saw Restless Taxis, Shoefig, Lip Stain, and Dead Air, taking a break for some fantastic Venezuelan food nearby.

One of the week’s highlights was a short burst of writing time with Lateisha Davine-Lovelace Hanson at a local cafe. However, after signing on for Universal Credit, I felt compelled to prove my worth and began an excessive email excavation alongside applying for new agencies and funding opportunities.

I don’t want to spend this time jumping through hoops to simply be signed up to another agency. I want to agencies to come through with the work, whilst I can actually use the time to create, to build other ways of making an income, to allow myself some time to breathe before the time comes that I don’t have this breathing space.

But I can’t seem to stop. There is always seems to be something more pressing to do, yet I know I need to create in order to survive this year. It’s not merely a fear, but a reality. Many of the intentions I set at the start of the year have fallen through, and so the start of the academic year comes with a sense of renewal.

My partner and I have started listening to music at dinner rather than automatically turn to the screen as a substitute kind of bonding. This is going well so far, and we hope to build on this once our days become more structured, with time for creativity – whether playing the ukulele together or doing some art-making. I’m hoping that by switching off emails after 8pm, I’ll have the headspace to do this and then read for university – I’ll also have two days of 3 hour commutes I hope I can read during too. Looking at my prospective timetable, I am wondering when exactly I’ll be able to schedule emails, perhaps why I’m determined to get on top of them – but I have so many account and struggling with the switch from hotmail to gmail, just meaning I have an extra inbox!

Aside from the overwhelm, there have been ups too. I’ve managed to get back to the gym, starting to implement a good routine of running, separate upper and lower body workouts, yoga, dance and swimming. I also got to see Ruby Wax’s latest show for free, which was very moving and funny. We also treated ourselves to very decadent desserts on the way home.

Watching: KAOS, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, The Simpsons, Unstable, Emily in Paris

Reading: Suffering Insanity by R.D. Hinshelwood, The Complete Short Stories by Saki

Podcasts: Creative Codex

Music: Say Anything, Regina Spektor, GRLwood

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Reality has hit me so hard since returning from holiday in the early hours of Thursday morning. I want to try to practice gratitude for having had the time away, but I can’t deny that I struggled with certain elements regarding expectations and so didn’t return as rested as I would have liked in preparation for the new academic year. I felt like I needed just a few more days of escape, where I could truly rest.

I also lost out on securing work as I made the choice to not check emails, which now just seems counterproductive. I’ve been burying my head in the sand, buying gig tickets I can’t afford to allow myself a release when I know the year ahead is going to require more isolation as – all being well – I complete my training to become an Art Psychotherapist.

Speaking of which, my confidence has just been knocked massively having been given my assignment feedback. I wish I had been given it before my holiday, to have time to digest it. I managed to scrape a pass, but my written feedback was worse than I could ever imagine. My mind fixated on words such as “unsafe” and “dangerous” and I collapsed into the comfort of my partner’s tissue shoulders. I am going to take time to process properly when I am less sleep deprived, looking at the assignments and the feedback with fresh eyes, and doing some art making to process my feelings, having woken up the following day still so raw and sad.

The third ACE application has been rejected, so I’m going to try again, but with a June 2025 start date, so I can focus on my studies, aside from the necessary work. I might see if I have any luck on my own creative endeavours, as I would love to be able to spend more time creating and less time tutoring. That said, right now I need to get tutoring clients urgently having only four, pretty much losing two unexpectedly, and meanwhile I want to make the most of the extra time I do have – getting through emails, reading course books, art making and working on creative projects.

Before leaving for my holiday, aside from work, I had a day off, where I decided to take myself off for some exhibitions at Somerset House, the Hayward, and Tate Modern – I’ll be posting more about this on my Instagram when I get around to it. I also went to All Points East Festival for a heavily discounted price, which was fun. I caught up with a friend who lives abroad and met her baby, and had a full week of teaching before jetting off!

I’m slowly getting back into the swing of things, going to Decolonise Festival tomorrow with a friend. Having arrived in the UK thinking I was teaching just nine hours later, the lessons ended up being cancelled. It is tempting to run full speed ahead, but maybe I need to be kinder to myself and also prioritise things like sitting with and processing my feelings, and creating. I did manage to do a couple of watercolours whilst away, and want to try to use art making more regularly, especially as a way of processing.

Watching: Love is Blind UK, Emily in Paris, Aşk 101.

Reading: On Connection by Kae Tempest, I’m a Fan by Sheena Patel, We All Want Impossible Things by Catherine Newman, The Crying Book by Heather Christle, Suffering Insanity by R.D. Hinshelwood.

Podcasts: What Now? by Trevor Noah

Music: AURORA, Chappell Roan, Empress Of, SOFTPLAY

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

I last wrote when I was going to Hastings, and I’m writing as I’m about to travel there again on Monday. A kind of enforced break, unable to find enough work, I’m hoping to spend time with my gran, as well as focus on doing some creative projects, and inevitably make my way through the mountain of emails that have formed.

I still have some students I’m tutoring throughout the summer, including new students just for summer, but this is very minimal. I had a week off paid work, volunteering at Latitude Festival. It was a different experience as the last time I was there was when I was performing, back when they had a dedicated poetry stage in 2014. On my way back home nearly a week after my arrival (thank god for the airbed), a producer for BBC Introducing struck up a conversation – a sign to keep my finger in the poetry pie?

Aside from the music listed below, I was also glad to see some incredible theatre shows. I saw Yolanda Mercy, who I had previously reviewed at Edinburgh Fringe, and that was great, despite her saying it was more stripped back than usual. Jade Anouka’s Heart combined spoken word with beat boxing and sounds from her partner and was so touching I cried at the end. Laura Murphy’s A Spectacle of Herself combined lots of different elements woven together, including incredible use of aerial work. I throughly recommend them all!

Since returning I had an intensive couple of days of work, which was quite enjoyable, tutoring Non-Verbal and Verbal Reasoning, and very lucrative thankfully, given I was hoping to be earning around £400 this next week and it’ll be more like £40! Such is the summer when working in education.

I’m looking forward to having a more restful and creative week coming up!

Watching: Abbott Elementary, The Simpsons, Arrested Development

Reading: Adam by Gboyega Odubanjo, Boy Friends by Michael Pedersen, On Connection by Kae Tempest, On Not Being Able to Paint by Marion Milner, In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust (previously read most books but listening on audio).

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, GOB, The Process Podcast

Music: Hot Wax, WITCH, Myles Smith, Rick Astley, Kevin Drew, Gaffa Tape Sandy, London Grammar, Rag ‘n’ Bone Man, Pillow Queens, Ash, Nile Rodgers & CHIC, Duran Duran, English Teacher, Ghost Cat, (all Latitude), Hak Baker

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

I am officially done. My intense period of work is over and I am feeling really run down now, with very low energy levels. I didn’t do too much last weekend and I’m off to the coast now, so hoping that will allow me time to recuperate. Aside from the journey, it should be a chilled time and will force me to relax rather than being home.

I had my usual language school work, but actual didn’t have afternoons. Though this meant less money, I was glad to have to do less. My weekend had been half taken up with work and chores, then I spent Sunday mostly reading On Learning from the Patient in the park. I also feel that I’m run down as I’ve not given myself the space to process my emotions, believing I experienced a kind of projective identification with a student, feeling like a failure and bursting into tears when they left the room. Perhaps intellectualising this, I suppressed the feeling part and as often is the case with me, my throat became sore. Then again, it was also the night I went to bed with wet hair, the temperature changed, and I didn’t wear enough to bed!

I’ve also had a few nightmare journeys and for the second time had anxiety about being observed, but then wasn’t observed (and not really sure why this time!) One morning in the week, school coaches blocked the road for over 20 minutes and I walked then got back on the same bus as there was no other way. Yesterday, the P4 broke down due to burst tyres and this happened on two different buses, so I had to walk the remainder of the journey.

We also broke a record at the language school by linking together around the school! Despite having less work hours, I also was busy getting ready for volunteering at Latitude Festival next week. I thought I may work, but will embrace my volunteer role instead and hopefully have some time to relax there as well despite starting with a crazy night shift 1am to 9am… and sleeping in a tent for the longest period of time in a long time! At least I’ll have a blow-up bed this time.

Watching: The Bear, Not Dead Yet, The Simpsons

Reading: Adam by Gboyega Odubanjo, Boy Friends by Michael Pedersen, On Learning from the Patient by Patrick Casement, In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust (previously read most books but listening on audio).

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Sleepy

Music: Pillow Queens, Tommy Genesis, Princess Nokia, Nerina Pallot, Myles Smith, Good Neighbours, mui zyu, Seasick Steve, Anthony Szmierek, The Jungle Giants, Holly Macve

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

This week has been very up and down. Last weekend, my whole morning was taken over by work with one student, whose parents then wanted to terminate tuition. I found this really upsetting, especially as I had thought our relationship had got to a place of mutual trust and respect, which was diminished by not working as a team at this point, not allowing opportunity for an ending session. Through my training to become a therapist, I’ve learnt even more about how important ending experiences are, especially for people who have negative associations of endings from childhood. I shed a tear for this student, and for myself. Sometimes parents don’t understand the significance of the relationship between tutor and tutee.

I celebrated my friend’s birthday, having helped to organise people for it, and on Sunday I met up with friends who I’d not seen in nearly a year! We went to the tea exhibition at the Horniman Museum, and I brewed some Asian-inspired chai, having had a recipe given at a barbecue the weekend prior. I am really craving a more relaxing weekend this weekend, which should be the case for at least one day as I cancelled volunteering that day.

At the language school, I was told I wasn’t working afternoons part of this week, but then ended up doing some, including a one-to-one lesson and a speaking and listening class. I’ve just found out that I’ve not got any afternoons next week, which was disappointing as it may even be my last week if they can’t offer me more in the summer holidays. I’ll need to think about taking on some kind of shift work to gain some extra income.

Wednesday was particularly stressful. I had an anxious morning worrying about an observation that never ended up happening (which I now have to look forward to the following week). I knew from WhatsApp that there were errors happening with marks for full time students. As there is a marking boycott in response to Goldsmiths’ “Transformation Programme”, I wasn’t expecting any marks as part time. However, was the only part timer that got an email to check marks. I had passed everything EXCEPT MY TWO ASSIGNMENTS! It was absolutely terrifying. I tried to use logic in that I would have had to be told in June if I had to resit, but looking at the marks in black and white: 35 and 45 – I couldn’t keep my cool!

It’s Friday night and having cancelled all plans this weekend, I’m looking forward to resting more… after my 9am lesson in the morning and Zumba class!

Watching: Abbot Elementary, Dead to Me

Reading: The Year of the Butterfly by Abbi Mitchell, Boy Friends by Michael Pedersen, On Learning from the Patient by Patrick Casement, In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust (previously read most books but listening on audio).

Podcasts: Sleepy

Music: Kate Nash, Thirty Seconds to Mars

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

This week has felt particularly draining and difficult, and I’ve made mistakes, but also felt the brunt of blame for some things unfairly. I think I need to be mindful that social activities can also deplete energy and so I need to avoid making plans… which feels hard to do when everyone else is so busy all the time! What should I do, just not make plans and tell friends to contact me last minute if they happen to be free?! I don’t deal well with spontaneity either… unless it’s my own spontaneity!

So, this week I saw Inside Out 2 with some local poetry pals who are more spontaneous than me! I absolutely loved it. I was tearing up right from the start, and related to it not only in the sense of the teenage years, but also the idea of suppressing emotions… I’ve been talking in therapy about connecting with my emotions more and wanting to incorporate mark-making / art-making more, but I still haven’t been able to do this. When feelings bubble up, it feels impossible to pause to sit with them, but you just have to suck it up. I think that’s also why I’m craving my own space at the moment, because with so much going on, I’m just overstimulated.

I also saw my mum’s final ever school production. I had recently gone into a children’s home for work, so the fact it was Annie really hit home, and I was overcome with emotions. It was incredible to see all the effort that had gone into this, and to see the young girls doing something so brave was so lovely to see. I also clicked that artist Ben Connors, who had helped to do the stage design, had illustrated a Dean Atta poem that I had published in Poetry&Paint years ago!

Today I organised people from my friend Natalie’s birthday (illustrator of the She Grrrowls book) and aside from the football, which I felt physically uncomfortable with once it started, it was a success. Now I’m planning to get my flat into better shape, not only because some friends are coming tomorrow, but I really need it for my state of mind.

Watching: Abbott Elementary, Not Dead Yet, Rebelde

Reading: The Year of the Butterfly by Abbi Mitchell, Boy Friends by Michael Pedersen, On Learning from the Patient by Patrick Casement, In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust (previously read most books but listening on audio).

Podcasts: Sleepy, Mooji

Music: Annie soundtrack

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Last weekend, I went to Muslim Pride in London. As my partner is Muslim and I’m bi, it was an important event for us, and we both gained a lot from attending. We also got to see a panel chaired by poet Dr. Sanah Ahsan, though sadly missed their poetry. It was really interesting to hear from others such as Dr. Amina Wadud, who gave a Q&A workshop on feminism and Islam. I’m super interested in reading her book.

I worked on Sunday, but somehow forgot to plan my afternoon EFL lessons, so had a bit of a panic during my morning lessons when I suddenly remembered I had no idea what I was doing later on. I managed to sort it, but then I also missed an email about having a pop-in observation and so I was really thrown when it happened, and didn’t do as well as I would have liked. However, overall, despite it being tiring to do on top of 6/7 hours of tuition work, I had two great classes throughout the week that I will really miss next week!

On Thursday, I also had a feature set with the wonderful Annaliese Broughton at Big Trouble. Everyone was really lovely, and I sold lots of books too! It was really nice to have familiar faces there, as Annaliese, and Jake Nathan, had both come to She Grrrowls before. Unfortunately when I came home, I got chatted up with 3% battery when alighting the train at Crofton Park. I was friendly and polite, but then became uncomfortable. Like, don’t ask women where they live and what bus they’re getting when it’s dark, thanks.

I had a busy weekend, celebrating the end of term with some uni pals , making spirit animals out of clay. I had a day out to Southend-on-Sea and then had a BBQ with my partner’s uni course mates (he’s studying to be a physiotherapist). It’s now back to an even busier week!

Watching: Secretary Diary of a Call Girl, Arrested Development, A Job Lot, Abbott Elementary

Reading: This House by Rehema Njambi, On Learning from the Patient by Patrick Casememt, Boy Friends by Michael Pedersen

Podcasts: Dilemma

Music: Stray Kids, Death Cab for Cutie, Tommy Genesis

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Well, I have managed to have one and a bit days of rest before things get super busy again with long working days across six days a week… and still going through time without enough funds.

I caught up with ibizo lami and we ended up coincidentally meeting Mr Poetivist, who travelled from Ghana to perform in the UK and is in Brighton tomorrow night at The Rose Hill. This was in the Inspired by Africa shop, which is great and I will be going back for birthday cards because it would be nice to actually feature black people as mainstream shops are not good in this respect.

I saw whatever the new Planet of the Apes film is with my dad… whilst I was into this stuff as a teen, it just made me sleepy and I had to eat my snacks to stay awake (sorry, action makes me sleepy…)

We have officially said goodbye to the third years and half my year group on my Art Psychotherapy training. It was my pleasure to pick up the picnic spread with some first years, though it meant missing a lot of sun! I caught up on that yesterday when I did about six hours of reading textbooks in the Horniman Gardens!

Aside from work, I’ve been editing my ACE application and have submitted it for the third time! I was also meant to have a meeting about future She Grrrowls events, which got cancelled last minute… very disruptive! It’s very difficult when people who are employed don’t seem to appreciate how difficult it is to balance everything and scheduling is very important, especially considering I’m the person not getting paid for these meetings, and it just leaves you feeling very devalued and disrespected.

I also got my birthday surprise from my partner – a spa experience! Although there were a lot of negatives about the choice of spa (never book a gym spa… hotel spa only!) we were able to focus on the positives and think we both needed a bit of relaxation!

Today I was back to work and it’s been full on, so a little taste of how it will be next week essentially working three jobs… tutor, EFL teacher and POET! I’ll be performing at Big Trouble with Annaliese Broughton, which I’m so excited about! Also, check out some of my notes of what I’ve been watching etc. below – All of Us are Strangers was so beautiful, but heartbreaking. Prom Dates was fun and also a good Pride watch!

Watching: Abbot Elementary, The Simpsons, A Job Lot, Arrested Development, Free Solo, Ashley Madison documentary, Prom Dates, All of Us Are Strangers

Reading: Whale Fall by Elizabeth O’Connor, Islamic Mystical Poetry, The Rose That Grew from Concrete by Tupac Shakur, Art Therapy for Psychosis by Katherine Killick, On Learning from the Patient by Patrick Casement, Polysecure by Eve Rickert

Podcasts: Islamist vs Zionist (Yasmine Mohammed Podcast), Dilemma Podcast (The Palestine Collection)

Music: Latitude 2024

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!