I had an art presentation at university last week, so I spent a lot of the last weekend art making. It also helped put me in touch with my emotions, as I had to contend with the fact that the idealised version in my head didn’t match the reality, and was able to notice the waves of sadness and anxiety as I let go of my desire to control. I also finally got round to combatting my fear of lino printing!
Jellyfish Friends
I was pleased with the presentation and wanted to use this as an opportunity to show everything that I’ve been processing, what’s been going on in my head. I also showed the poetry side, which I put down to me revealing so much of myself. It’s not because I feel safe to do so. It felt extremely vulnerable, especially when faced with the silence as questions and thoughts bubbled from my peers. I appreciated those who spoke, but I also know the times where it was difficult to process my thoughts and frame a question in the time given.
Losing My Marbles
On placement, I felt myself have to contain the excitement of doing the work, as I remember speaking with a colleague and feeling this bubbling inside me, when I was talking about serious matters, to feel that I am realising this calling that has been with me for so long. Yet, I am also aware of the fact that it’s not possible to help everyone and that rather harsh reality was met in the context that I might be in the wrong time or my placement might have ended by the time this young person gets to that point in the point in the waiting list. I have to acknowledge the way I perhaps over-related to the client and put them first in terms of potentially being seen sooner by someone else.
It has felt like a busy week; I had a friend over for dinner on Monday, a late lecture on Tuesday, a film preview on Wednesday, a Zoom Stanza meeting yesterday and with a family-filled weekend and work, I’m looking forward to finishing at 7:30pm tonight and staying in – especially with the colder weather we’re having!
Last weekend, I worked Saturday, as I’m meeting new families and working with new students. I also went to Pitchfork Festival, where I bumped into fellow UEA alumni, Chris Ogden and Ella Jane Chappell (Ella’s book Moonrise is available here). I only really knew Porridge Radio, but I enjoyed all the bands I saw, especially Wednesday, who my friend Phil described as something like Nashville country meets Seattle grunge.
I also got a couple of uni friends to join me at a few exhibitions – the Koestler Arts one ‘In Case of Emergency’, excellently curated by poet Joelle Taylor, Sonya Dyer’s ‘Three Parent Child’ at Somerset House, and in between, an unexpected delight at the Hayward Gallery: Amol K Patil’s ‘The Politics of Skin and Movement’. This week, I’ve also got stuck into my own art-making, which I’ll share more of next week. I went to the Koestler Arts exhibition last year, and it’s always interesting, but I especially enjoyed the space given to the work this year, as well as the inclusion of spoken word poetry on telephones and poem text on clothing and canteen trays. The Hayward exhibition was like stepping into another person’s world, and I loved the video in a glass, the music from the radio, and the drawers of sand. Somerset House was interesting as I didn’t know what to expect, and it was almost like stepping onto another planet!
I’ve had a fairly active week, as I also went out on Monday to see the film ‘How to Have Sex’. I wish this kind of film had been made when I was younger, as I reflected my own experiences of sex throughout my early twenties and even my late twenties and early thirties! I don’t know if it would have changed anything, but I could only think of the film ‘thirteen’ from my time as a teenager (I was 14 when this came out), though I personally couldn’t relate to those experiences. This film felt so relatable, that I was thankful that my trip to Magaluf was when I was in a relationship (still a fairly chaotic, but overall fun trip!), and when I went away with a group of girls abroad when younger, I organised it in a more family-friendly area! Although taking place abroad, the story could easily narrate our sexual experiences at Reading Festival and UK nightclubs.
There have been ups and downs, but I also got to catch up with a couple of friends with an amazing Chinese restaurant called YeYe’s, which had particularly nice chunky dumplings and a beef noodle dish. Something else I’ve been wanting to do for a while is share what I’m watching, listening to, reading etc.
Watching: Top Boy, (Girlfriends – now taken off Netflix!), The Simpsons
Reading: Noughts & Crosses (about to go from book 4 to 5), Approaches to Art Therapy
Podcasts: Apples & Snakes, On Purpose, The Diary of a CEO, Multiamory
Things feel like they’re slowly coming into place. Although I’m only just staying afloat when some work gets cancelled, I also know that’s because I have had other things on my plate and there will come a time where I will have to shift priorities. At the moment, I am still able to make some time for friends’ birthdays and things, but I also have to work on accepting that I may even disappoint people or let people down, and trust that true friends will be there. I often feel heavy with responsibility, to the extent that others even expect me to be responsible for that which isn’t even mine, especially when that responsibility is joint.
Last weekend was challenging for health reasons as well as transport issues, but I managed to get away to Hastings, where I saw family and friends, and actually felt like I had some rest. I then spent the week in the routine of work, studies and placement – weirdly, I was online for most of it, with just a morning at the building. I needed that on Thursday when I had She Grrrowls in the evening! It was the most well-attended event at Catford Mews, so I’m hoping things can keep going in the new year.
Right now, I feel very overwhelmed. I’m only just keeping afloat due to work being cancelled and my flat is still not sorted, but it’s slowly getting there. I’m due to go away, but it’s hard when I’m not in the right headspace. I want to make time for friends and family, but all I really want to to build my routines.
At least seeing friends for birthdays!
I’m still trying to build my work up, but I’m also still wondering how I’ll manage everything, and having dipped into the money I’m saving for tuition fees, I’m also worried about how I’ll save the rest of the fees for the end of April 2024.
Meet some cool people at a Halloween Party 👻
Aside from the money and the flat issues, I’ve also got a hospital appointment on Saturday. I’ve been so focussed on everything else, I’ve not given it much thought, but I’m trying to hope for the best. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed by starting my placement, but I think a lot of it has to do with the mess in the flat. I feel so much better when everything is clean and tidy! I’m curious what it will be like once I’ve started the actual client work.
She Grrrowls is hopefully slowly growing at Catford Mews. It’s such a lovely venue, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the acts I’ve put on and it’s such a joy to see people come back on the open mic too! I usually don’t really feel like it on my way, but when I get there, I always feel better, and at the end, it feels like we’ve achieved something, however small.
Three Years Later… Pink Hair Again
Last weekend was very eventful. I thought I would celebrate my three-year anniversary more and stay local, but instead I went solo along to the protest for Palestine. Like many, I’ve had so many sleepless nights at the extremity of the situation at the moment. I’ve been conscious of this since secondary school, yet still confused of its complexities. But like many others, I couldn’t stay home that day. I felt I had to stand up and be counted in order to show solidarity for Palestine and all civilians, to urge Israel to end the ceasefire.
I worked both mornings that weekend. Saturday ended on eating homemade sushi in front of the film Elemental. Sunday, I saw some sun whilst with some fellow art psychotherapy trainees. In central again, I enjoyed passing by a sign in a park saying ‘Welcome to Lambeth’, which is the Borough I’m doing my placement in. We played board games and strolled along the southbank.
I returned to the Horniman, where I spotted a dinosaur – something that seems to have become important in our cohort’s collective experience. I made a lovely roast, which lasted for two dinners.
Aside from the usual, I had my first week on placement, which is a strange hybrid of in-person and online. With a friend working as a social worker on the NHS, I should have gathered this, but it all is so new to me – both the kind of work, and the office environment. I reflected on this a lot through images.
I’m planning to do some artmaking now, but I feel quite overwhelmed at the moment, especially with my flat situation still being all over the place with the bedbug saga. I don’t know whether I should pressure myself or just work on getting things ready and set up for me to feel better about the space. Stating placement, I’ve had to say goodbye to one student, whose funding finished as it was. I also lost another suddenly, and I’m struggling to hear back from another.
Goodbye Gift
I’ve worked out the need to save around £136 per month to save for my remaining uni frees this year. That’s a lot less than I expected, thanks to some generous donations and getting a tax refund! However, it’s still a significant stress on top of rent and bills when on placement twice a week, without much time for paid work. Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!
Next week I’m officially starting my clinical placement at the NHS! Due to confidentiality and professional boundaries, it’s likely I won’t be able to share too much from these experiences in terms of specifics, so I won’t be able to be as open as is my nature.
Early rises
Post-bedbugs – hopefully – I’ve had to do a lot of cleaning and putting everything back… basically like moving house, except with the anxiety of still having pests in the home! One day, I did 10,000 steps in the flat within the space of 4-5 hours of this.
So 30s is seeing friends 1-2 times per year
I’ve lost a lot of time in that way, but I’ve also gained some time with lesson cancellations. All the while, I’m wondering how I’m going to balance everything now it’s all happening! I’ll have one Sundays “off”, but this will need to largely be spent studying, and inevitably doing chores and getting things ready for the week ahead.
My basic schedule starts off nicely on a Monday with therapy in the morning, followed by afternoon/evening tutoring work. I’m at university on Tuesdays, with Wednesdays and Thursdays being my placement days. Friday, I’ve also carved some time in the morning for yoga, with tuition work from late morning to the evening.
More Sunday reading sessions at the Horniman
Saturdays, from mid—November will also be spent tutoring from the early morning until the late afternoon / early evening. Some Sundays I still have Lego parties, so I will likely cut back on these as they aren’t as reliable, so I really need to prioritise the tuition work, which is also more grounding as it means returning to a regular place of work at someone’s home, rather than going all over the place.
I’m back at university on Tuesdays and awaiting my placement to start on Wednesdays and Thursdays, wondering how I’m able to fill the time with so much and yet still lack time to read. It’s hopefully the last bedbug treatment today. I never want to go through this again, so I hope that TfL and other services are being rigorous about inspecting and treating transport etc. seeing as London Mayor Sadiq Khan has stated it is a cause for concern.
I’m now working Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays, which leaves the Sabbath as my only day of rest. Realistically, it won’t exactly be rest. It will be occasionally facilitating Lego parties. It will be making response art and studying. It will be ironing and food prep and other household chores . I’m likely to put aside my desire to always shop locally at the grocers and so on, and will probably start ordering online more for convenience. I’m still socialising here and there, but I will probably have to streamline this and hope my friends will still be there at the end, maybe revert back to phone calls to stay connected. Thankfully, I do have some local friends too.
She Grrrowls October 2023
I spent most of last weekend reading my course books in my spare time actually, and have now finished one book from the whole course. I also had training at a new agency I’ve signed up with for tutoring, which could prove to be more lucrative that my current array of agencies. Lastly, She Grrrowls returned to the Catford Mews, which is going to be every second Thursday in November, February, March and April. It was great! Leilah King was an excellent headliner and I felt so happy afterwards! Until I got off the bus and a bunch of drunk men seemed to saying “oi” to me, then encroached towards me, but thankfully I got through my door and they went onwards to the only pub in the area that has security outside…
At the moment, countless things are going wrong with my living situation, which has been time consuming, costly and is causing me ongoing stress. This won’t be fully sorted until towards the end of next month, so I’m just trying to get through this period, and really hoping things will improve then. Thankfully, I have been able to delay the start of my placement. Just today, I’ve been given the all clear to go ahead, but if I can make sure that I am in a better space physically and mentally before I start, then I should be kind to myself and allow it.
My inspirational younger cousin – a fellow artist and writer – before jetting off to Bulgaria
With the time I’ve had before the new term kicks off, I’ve been setting up my work and have been completing a new ACE application. If it pays off, it will be really helpful to pay my training fees, giving me consistency and also doing something I love. I also had a breakthrough moment with one of my students, who I will have to stop tutoring due to my placement starting, but it’s so great to see their confidence improve. I’ve also had a couple of successful interview to get on a couple more agency’s books.
Bug socks, because you have to keep your sense of humour to get you through the bad times
However, I’ve also had some creative disappointments too. I didn’t make it onto the Southbank’s New Poetry Collective, and I didn’t get a competitive commission that would have tied in so well to the work I’m doing, and really helped me financially. I’m finding it quite challenging to celebrate others’ successes without negatively comparing myself. However, being involved in actually sharing and creating work has really uplifted me. It’s important to know what actions you can take to get you out of those feelings.
Posting more videos on TikTok & Insta whilst I have the time
So, I haven’t written in over two months. The last time I wrote, I said it had been a quieter period. As you can imagine this has been quite the opposite.
I am still working on a lot of the different things I have intended to work on outside of my course. I also made a big reading list and printed off the university reading list for the summer, and only now am I really able to have some time, which I hope will mean that I can read after having given myself a break.
I spent July tutoring and teaching English as a foreign language. I had quite a few busy weekends as one of my school friends got married in Cornwall and I celebrated my gran’s birthday in Rye.
Love love 💕
I also did two weeks of nannying, which was exhausting, but a big learning experience too, working with children in a context outside of education, ahead of my CAMHs placement.
When I looked back in my diary, I had also scheduled in some rest, but this was because I was physically unwell. It dragged on and on, but I couldn’t afford not to work.
I also got my hair bleached, which I don’t think particularly suits me. It’s a blonde ombré, I believe, but I got it done because I missed having my dip dyed hair and I am quite a low maintenance person and it’s fun, but also easier to maintain than the under died bits I had previously.
Needs some Barbie-pink!
I went to Rally festival even though I wasn’t feeling 100%. I was really disappointed that Festival didn’t communicate that Princess Nokia had had to pull out because I really wouldn’t have gone in order to preserve my energy. We didn’t even know that she’d pulled out because they didn’t inform people via email, but only on social media. We just waited at the stage and people were going on about someone else and we were really confused. I had been so looking forward to seeing Princess Nokia, having missed her the couple of other times that my friends have gone to see her.
The day after I finished work, I headed to the airport to go to Türkiye. It was my partner’s 30th birthday and it was such a privilege to go to his home country. We spent a lot of time with his friends and family, and travelled around a few places not too far from Istanbul. It has inspired me to put more effort into learning the language as I spent a fair bit of time not knowing what was going on. As well as some sightseeing in Istanbul, we also got three proper beach days we went to the island Bozcaada for two nights and Heybeliada for a day. I ate such good food and I feel very grateful to have had a whole mix of home-cooked meals and been treated to delicious dishes that I wouldn’t have otherwise discovered, as well as a few personal fines on a little island get-away.
Making partner be a tourist in his own country
Once I returned, I had some time to myself, but I didn’t get much at first, as I went to All Points East to see The Strokes, where I was really gutted to have stupidly been at the wrong stage, missing Be Your Own Pet, who I was really looking forward to seeing. I have also now accepted that The Strokes on that great live. girl in red stole the show for me and really just made the whole experience worthwhile, as well as spending time with two of my favourite Nats (who we discovered have the same second name too!)
Friends and Festivals
The next day I was in Portsmouth for two nights working at Victorious Festival. I did bar work and I hadn’t done bar work for a long time and maybe it was the festival vibes, but I really enjoyed it, and met one person I wanted to keep in touch with, and having just bumped into her after not thinking I’d see her ever again, I had to ask! I was really fortunate to have a shift on the Saturday, facing the stage where I got to see the likes of Kate Nash and Kasabian. I wasn’t so lucky on the second day when I was at a bar facing the opposite direction. We had to open loads of cans, and even more so on that particular bar and so all of my fingernails broke off by the end of it and it was really painful as I had been moved from a good bar to a rubbish one, I was feeling quite pissed off, to be honest, as well as a couple of times where I was spoken down to, which I didn’t appreciate. However, aside from a couple of people, most of the festival-goers were in an infectious good mood and it was actually quite difficult to stay grumpy!
Portsmouth
On the bank holiday, Monday. I had a student that I had to visit. Unfortunately they weren’t engaged, so I didn’t get to tutor them. However, once I came home, I did some lesson planning for the week ahead. I ended up having to switch that around because the group I was teaching wasn’t as expected. But I did two weeks of online lessons teaching English as a foreign language and although there were difficulties because a lot of the teenagers didn’t like to be on screen, and so it felt more disconnected than in person, overall I really enjoyed it. I also stayed with my parents as I could do it remotely, so that was a plus.
I had a lot of chores to do around the flat and I was really needing some me time, but I had a really great day going to Whitechapel Gallery to see an exhibition going to Bi Pride with a friend and bumping into a few poets there, and then I saw a fantastic film Scrapper on my own a Catford Mews, the cinema where I host She Grrrowls. I also noticed, the guy who runs the comedy night a couple of seats down for me also on his own, which made me laugh, the fact that we both are watching Scrapper on our own making the most of the £3 tickets. As the tickets were sold cheap, I had actually bought two thinking that I would be able to find someone to come with me at short notice, which was very wishful thinking, as someone in their 30s.
Bi Pride
The following week I started with some students in addition to the teaching I was already doing. I also saw the new biopic about Amy Winehouse, but I can’t say no more about that right now. I’ve also been doing some Lego parties and had some time to see friends and family, as well as have some me-time at the Lido to make the most of the good weather.
I have now been balancing students with getting top on top of other things. It’s amazing how full everything can be, even when I haven’t started university on my placement or completely sorted, my schedule of students for the remaining days, I’ve been dealing with a lot of difficult and time-consuming things with my flat. This has been really stressful, put a strain on my relationship and it’s also still ongoing. Thankfully I’ve managed to ask if I can delay my placement until this stuff is sorted, which should be mid-October, so, I really am trying to get through this time until then and that’s honestly just what it feels like. I’ve been so overwhelmed, to the point of giving up. But I put on my insect socks as I bagged up everything for fumigation (yes, we’ve had bed bugs, amongst a broken down washing machine, leaking ceiling and more…) because you’ve got to have a sense of humour when shit hits the fan.
Canvas & Cream, Forest Hill
But I am trying to find some joy where I can, whether that’s just now having seen a friend who is also a neighbour, having some hot chocolate and cake, or whether it’s having some me-time with a bath and a book, or enjoying the routine I have with my partner of having dinner and watching something on Netflix, or finding ways to deal with my emotions like writing in my phone what I’m feeling at that time to self-regulate, or finally getting out my sketchbook and drawing whilst listening to an audiobook. On top of the things that I have these goals to do, I think I need to accept that until I have the stuff sorted with my living situation, that my priorities might shift and that’s okay and I can practice gratitude in that I have this time now to have that flexibility, to support my partner at a time when he doesn’t have that luxury, and perhaps I will get more into that routine once the stress has simmered down.
Last week was a quieter period, where I failed to get on top of things as much as I would have liked. I found my marks for my written assignment and was disappointed to get 53, just scraping a pass. I was able to share work with my peers and through this and the verbal feedback, I was able to see where I could have improved. I realised that certain learning processes aren’t working for me and my overwhelm at what to include goes back to the fact that I need to reassess the way I read in order to actually absorb it and keep track of the content to apply in written assignments. It is strange to identify as a writer and yet understand how dyspraxia is impacting my comprehension.
I had booked a half-price hot stone massage, knowing that it would be exactly what I needed. I had sprained my ankle seeing Muse in Milton Keynes (great gig, horrible journey, getting back at 2:45am) – another example of dyspraxia in action. I was about to cancel it, but in the end went through with it, and it was just the kind of somatic therapy I needed.
The rest of the week was also filled with activity, so thankfully my sprain hasn’t been too bad, and it just a bit bruised now. On Tuesday, I met with a couple of course-mates, on Wednesday I met a couple who were visiting my partner from Türkiye, on Thursday I hosted Forest Hill Stanza at Mozart London, and Friday I went bouldering for the first time (I injured my thumb slightly on a little fall when my leg slipped).
This weekend I have been to a house party; despite accepting the fact that I don’t like parties, everyone was really lovely and I had a great time. With the last remaining bit of energy, I went to Margate (thankfully by car). It felt right; I played games on the beach, swam in the sea, and ended the day on an ice-cream, followed by a cloudy lemonade sour beer at Xylo.
Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer. 