Burning Eye – Page 8 – Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer.

Freelance Reflections #110

I had an art presentation at university last week, so I spent a lot of the last weekend art making. It also helped put me in touch with my emotions, as I had to contend with the fact that the idealised version in my head didn’t match the reality, and was able to notice the waves of sadness and anxiety as I let go of my desire to control. I also finally got round to combatting my fear of lino printing!

I was pleased with the presentation and wanted to use this as an opportunity to show everything that I’ve been processing, what’s been going on in my head. I also showed the poetry side, which I put down to me revealing so much of myself. It’s not because I feel safe to do so. It felt extremely vulnerable, especially when faced with the silence as questions and thoughts bubbled from my peers. I appreciated those who spoke, but I also know the times where it was difficult to process my thoughts and frame a question in the time given.

On placement, I felt myself have to contain the excitement of doing the work, as I remember speaking with a colleague and feeling this bubbling inside me, when I was talking about serious matters, to feel that I am realising this calling that has been with me for so long. Yet, I am also aware of the fact that it’s not possible to help everyone and that rather harsh reality was met in the context that I might be in the wrong time or my placement might have ended by the time this young person gets to that point in the point in the waiting list. I have to acknowledge the way I perhaps over-related to the client and put them first in terms of potentially being seen sooner by someone else.

It has felt like a busy week; I had a friend over for dinner on Monday, a late lecture on Tuesday, a film preview on Wednesday, a Zoom Stanza meeting yesterday and with a family-filled weekend and work, I’m looking forward to finishing at 7:30pm tonight and staying in – especially with the colder weather we’re having!

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #109

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Last weekend, I worked Saturday, as I’m meeting new families and working with new students. I also went to Pitchfork Festival, where I bumped into fellow UEA alumni, Chris Ogden and Ella Jane Chappell (Ella’s book Moonrise is available here). I only really knew Porridge Radio, but I enjoyed all the bands I saw, especially Wednesday, who my friend Phil described as something like Nashville country meets Seattle grunge.

I also got a couple of uni friends to join me at a few exhibitions – the Koestler Arts one ‘In Case of Emergency’, excellently curated by poet Joelle Taylor, Sonya Dyer’s ‘Three Parent Child’ at Somerset House, and in between, an unexpected delight at the Hayward Gallery: Amol K Patil’s ‘The Politics of Skin and Movement’. This week, I’ve also got stuck into my own art-making, which I’ll share more of next week. I went to the Koestler Arts exhibition last year, and it’s always interesting, but I especially enjoyed the space given to the work this year, as well as the inclusion of spoken word poetry on telephones and poem text on clothing and canteen trays. The Hayward exhibition was like stepping into another person’s world, and I loved the video in a glass, the music from the radio, and the drawers of sand. Somerset House was interesting as I didn’t know what to expect, and it was almost like stepping onto another planet!

I’ve had a fairly active week, as I also went out on Monday to see the film ‘How to Have Sex’. I wish this kind of film had been made when I was younger, as I reflected my own experiences of sex throughout my early twenties and even my late twenties and early thirties! I don’t know if it would have changed anything, but I could only think of the film ‘thirteen’ from my time as a teenager (I was 14 when this came out), though I personally couldn’t relate to those experiences. This film felt so relatable, that I was thankful that my trip to Magaluf was when I was in a relationship (still a fairly chaotic, but overall fun trip!), and when I went away with a group of girls abroad when younger, I organised it in a more family-friendly area! Although taking place abroad, the story could easily narrate our sexual experiences at Reading Festival and UK nightclubs.

There have been ups and downs, but I also got to catch up with a couple of friends with an amazing Chinese restaurant called YeYe’s, which had particularly nice chunky dumplings and a beef noodle dish. Something else I’ve been wanting to do for a while is share what I’m watching, listening to, reading etc.

Watching: Top Boy, (Girlfriends – now taken off Netflix!), The Simpsons

Reading: Noughts & Crosses (about to go from book 4 to 5), Approaches to Art Therapy

Podcasts: Apples & Snakes, On Purpose, The Diary of a CEO, Multiamory

Music: Porridge Radio, Wednesday, Ashnikko, Slayyyter, Otoboke Beaver

Freelance Reflections #108

News

Things feel like they’re slowly coming into place. Although I’m only just staying afloat when some work gets cancelled, I also know that’s because I have had other things on my plate and there will come a time where I will have to shift priorities. At the moment, I am still able to make some time for friends’ birthdays and things, but I also have to work on accepting that I may even disappoint people or let people down, and trust that true friends will be there. I often feel heavy with responsibility, to the extent that others even expect me to be responsible for that which isn’t even mine, especially when that responsibility is joint.

Last weekend was challenging for health reasons as well as transport issues, but I managed to get away to Hastings, where I saw family and friends, and actually felt like I had some rest. I then spent the week in the routine of work, studies and placement – weirdly, I was online for most of it, with just a morning at the building. I needed that on Thursday when I had She Grrrowls in the evening! It was the most well-attended event at Catford Mews, so I’m hoping things can keep going in the new year.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #106

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She Grrrowls is hopefully slowly growing at Catford Mews. It’s such a lovely venue, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the acts I’ve put on and it’s such a joy to see people come back on the open mic too! I usually don’t really feel like it on my way, but when I get there, I always feel better, and at the end, it feels like we’ve achieved something, however small.

Last weekend was very eventful. I thought I would celebrate my three-year anniversary more and stay local, but instead I went solo along to the protest for Palestine. Like many, I’ve had so many sleepless nights at the extremity of the situation at the moment. I’ve been conscious of this since secondary school, yet still confused of its complexities. But like many others, I couldn’t stay home that day. I felt I had to stand up and be counted in order to show solidarity for Palestine and all civilians, to urge Israel to end the ceasefire.

I worked both mornings that weekend. Saturday ended on eating homemade sushi in front of the film Elemental. Sunday, I saw some sun whilst with some fellow art psychotherapy trainees. In central again, I enjoyed passing by a sign in a park saying ‘Welcome to Lambeth’, which is the Borough I’m doing my placement in. We played board games and strolled along the southbank.

I returned to the Horniman, where I spotted a dinosaur – something that seems to have become important in our cohort’s collective experience. I made a lovely roast, which lasted for two dinners.

Aside from the usual, I had my first week on placement, which is a strange hybrid of in-person and online. With a friend working as a social worker on the NHS, I should have gathered this, but it all is so new to me – both the kind of work, and the office environment. I reflected on this a lot through images.

I’m planning to do some artmaking now, but I feel quite overwhelmed at the moment, especially with my flat situation still being all over the place with the bedbug saga. I don’t know whether I should pressure myself or just work on getting things ready and set up for me to feel better about the space. Stating placement, I’ve had to say goodbye to one student, whose funding finished as it was. I also lost another suddenly, and I’m struggling to hear back from another.

I’ve worked out the need to save around £136 per month to save for my remaining uni frees this year. That’s a lot less than I expected, thanks to some generous donations and getting a tax refund! However, it’s still a significant stress on top of rent and bills when on placement twice a week, without much time for paid work. Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #105

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Next week I’m officially starting my clinical placement at the NHS! Due to confidentiality and professional boundaries, it’s likely I won’t be able to share too much from these experiences in terms of specifics, so I won’t be able to be as open as is my nature.

Post-bedbugs – hopefully – I’ve had to do a lot of cleaning and putting everything back… basically like moving house, except with the anxiety of still having pests in the home! One day, I did 10,000 steps in the flat within the space of 4-5 hours of this.

So 30s is seeing friends 1-2 times per year

I’ve lost a lot of time in that way, but I’ve also gained some time with lesson cancellations. All the while, I’m wondering how I’m going to balance everything now it’s all happening! I’ll have one Sundays “off”, but this will need to largely be spent studying, and inevitably doing chores and getting things ready for the week ahead.

My basic schedule starts off nicely on a Monday with therapy in the morning, followed by afternoon/evening tutoring work. I’m at university on Tuesdays, with Wednesdays and Thursdays being my placement days. Friday, I’ve also carved some time in the morning for yoga, with tuition work from late morning to the evening.

More Sunday reading sessions at the Horniman

Saturdays, from mid—November will also be spent tutoring from the early morning until the late afternoon / early evening. Some Sundays I still have Lego parties, so I will likely cut back on these as they aren’t as reliable, so I really need to prioritise the tuition work, which is also more grounding as it means returning to a regular place of work at someone’s home, rather than going all over the place.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #104

News

I’m back at university on Tuesdays and awaiting my placement to start on Wednesdays and Thursdays, wondering how I’m able to fill the time with so much and yet still lack time to read. It’s hopefully the last bedbug treatment today. I never want to go through this again, so I hope that TfL and other services are being rigorous about inspecting and treating transport etc. seeing as London Mayor Sadiq Khan has stated it is a cause for concern.

I’m now working Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays, which leaves the Sabbath as my only day of rest. Realistically, it won’t exactly be rest. It will be occasionally facilitating Lego parties. It will be making response art and studying. It will be ironing and food prep and other household chores . I’m likely to put aside my desire to always shop locally at the grocers and so on, and will probably start ordering online more for convenience. I’m still socialising here and there, but I will probably have to streamline this and hope my friends will still be there at the end, maybe revert back to phone calls to stay connected. Thankfully, I do have some local friends too.

I spent most of last weekend reading my course books in my spare time actually, and have now finished one book from the whole course. I also had training at a new agency I’ve signed up with for tutoring, which could prove to be more lucrative that my current array of agencies. Lastly, She Grrrowls returned to the Catford Mews, which is going to be every second Thursday in November, February, March and April. It was great! Leilah King was an excellent headliner and I felt so happy afterwards! Until I got off the bus and a bunch of drunk men seemed to saying “oi” to me, then encroached towards me, but thankfully I got through my door and they went onwards to the only pub in the area that has security outside…

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #101

News

Last week was a quieter period, where I failed to get on top of things as much as I would have liked. I found my marks for my written assignment and was disappointed to get 53, just scraping a pass. I was able to share work with my peers and through this and the verbal feedback, I was able to see where I could have improved. I realised that certain learning processes aren’t working for me and my overwhelm at what to include goes back to the fact that I need to reassess the way I read in order to actually absorb it and keep track of the content to apply in written assignments. It is strange to identify as a writer and yet understand how dyspraxia is impacting my comprehension.

I had booked a half-price hot stone massage, knowing that it would be exactly what I needed. I had sprained my ankle seeing Muse in Milton Keynes (great gig, horrible journey, getting back at 2:45am) – another example of dyspraxia in action. I was about to cancel it, but in the end went through with it, and it was just the kind of somatic therapy I needed.

The rest of the week was also filled with activity, so thankfully my sprain hasn’t been too bad, and it just a bit bruised now. On Tuesday, I met with a couple of course-mates, on Wednesday I met a couple who were visiting my partner from Türkiye, on Thursday I hosted Forest Hill Stanza at Mozart London, and Friday I went bouldering for the first time (I injured my thumb slightly on a little fall when my leg slipped).

This weekend I have been to a house party; despite accepting the fact that I don’t like parties, everyone was really lovely and I had a great time. With the last remaining bit of energy, I went to Margate (thankfully by car). It felt right; I played games on the beach, swam in the sea, and ended the day on an ice-cream, followed by a cloudy lemonade sour beer at Xylo.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #100

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As the end of my first year training to be an Art Psychotherapist comes to an end, I don’t feel like I have fully accepted it. I can’t imagine how I would feel at the end of the three years, and I feel more anxious than I’ve ever felt about qualifying. Still, I have a summer where I can read and see some of my fellow course-mates.

As a tutor, I have a lot of experience with endings. However, I imagine it is all the more intense when dealing with endings in psychotherapy, likely in situations where you are powerless to extend therapy where there is still a need for it. This week, I’ve had a sudden ending, without a final session, which I feel undermines the relationship between tutor and student, and undervalues the work we do together. Yet, thinking about the neoliberal structure, my focus is initially on how I can make up the six hours of work now lost. However, I felt a need to make space to feel the sadness of the loss of this professional relationship.

The student that I will likely now seen comes with a family tragedy, so in the learning environment there is an inevitable holding of pain, despite not being therapeutic. It is a strange time to be starting with new students, and coming towards the endings of the summer term.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #94

News

My energy levels have been really unpredictable recently. Last week, they went up, only to come crashing down. Thankfully I managed to ask a family if I could tutor online for a couple of days, and now I’m am out and about after a morning yoga session. This week I have mainly seen the one student who is coming up to his GCSEs. He and the rest of the family were still sleeping when I arrived!

I’ve seen a lot of family, and met my cousin’s baby (I’m just calling myself an aunt because neither of us have siblings). I’ve also done lots of creative work; I painted last Sunday in response to the Coram conversation panel and poetry night, and I caught up with a Red Sky Session the day after doing a very career-based one, which actually left me feeling quite down on myself. It was doing the creative part that made me feel good. My partner joined me and I loved the synchronicity of our images, with both our arms up in the air!

I have next Tuesday off thankfully, because I’ll need my energy with all the work I’ve got coming up! Tutoring will be back in full swing next week, the Art Psychotherapy training starts up again the following week, and I’ve got a couple of consecutive weekends of Lego parties!

Once more, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #92

News

It’s Saturday and I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m in danger of getting ill from work intensity and the changing whether, plus the stresses and demands of of my personal situation right now. However, I’m pleased to be working, and know this time will pass as I strive for balance. I am trying to listen to my body and rest more today, doing less than I planned ahead of another busy week.

I went along to the picket line at Goldsmiths to support the staff at the university. I’m now tutoring over twenty hours a week, although at times due to the needs of some of my students, sessions get cut short. So, after going back on forth on buses, I managed to find a decent hot chocolate at Norris + Knight, Spanish deli and cafe, where I did some reading in preparation for my first placement interview for September.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

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