Freelance Reflections #106

October She Grrrowls at Catford Mews

She Grrrowls is hopefully slowly growing at Catford Mews. It’s such a lovely venue, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the acts I’ve put on and it’s such a joy to see people come back on the open mic too! I usually don’t really feel like it on my way, but when I get there, I always feel better, and at the end, it feels like we’ve achieved something, however small.

Three Years Later… Pink Hair Again

Last weekend was very eventful. I thought I would celebrate my three-year anniversary more and stay local, but instead I went solo along to the protest for Palestine. Like many, I’ve had so many sleepless nights at the extremity of the situation at the moment. I’ve been conscious of this since secondary school, yet still confused of its complexities. But like many others, I couldn’t stay home that day. I felt I had to stand up and be counted in order to show solidarity for Palestine and all civilians, to urge Israel to end the ceasefire.

I worked both mornings that weekend. Saturday ended on eating homemade sushi in front of the film Elemental. Sunday, I saw some sun whilst with some fellow art psychotherapy trainees. In central again, I enjoyed passing by a sign in a park saying ‘Welcome to Lambeth’, which is the Borough I’m doing my placement in. We played board games and strolled along the southbank.

I returned to the Horniman, where I spotted a dinosaur – something that seems to have become important in our cohort’s collective experience. I made a lovely roast, which lasted for two dinners.

Aside from the usual, I had my first week on placement, which is a strange hybrid of in-person and online. With a friend working as a social worker on the NHS, I should have gathered this, but it all is so new to me – both the kind of work, and the office environment. I reflected on this a lot through images.

I’m planning to do some artmaking now, but I feel quite overwhelmed at the moment, especially with my flat situation still being all over the place with the bedbug saga. I don’t know whether I should pressure myself or just work on getting things ready and set up for me to feel better about the space. Stating placement, I’ve had to say goodbye to one student, whose funding finished as it was. I also lost another suddenly, and I’m struggling to hear back from another.

Goodbye Gift

I’ve worked out the need to save around £136 per month to save for my remaining uni frees this year. That’s a lot less than I expected, thanks to some generous donations and getting a tax refund! However, it’s still a significant stress on top of rent and bills when on placement twice a week, without much time for paid work. Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #105

Next week I’m officially starting my clinical placement at the NHS! Due to confidentiality and professional boundaries, it’s likely I won’t be able to share too much from these experiences in terms of specifics, so I won’t be able to be as open as is my nature.

Early rises

Post-bedbugs – hopefully – I’ve had to do a lot of cleaning and putting everything back… basically like moving house, except with the anxiety of still having pests in the home! One day, I did 10,000 steps in the flat within the space of 4-5 hours of this.

So 30s is seeing friends 1-2 times per year

I’ve lost a lot of time in that way, but I’ve also gained some time with lesson cancellations. All the while, I’m wondering how I’m going to balance everything now it’s all happening! I’ll have one Sundays “off”, but this will need to largely be spent studying, and inevitably doing chores and getting things ready for the week ahead.

My basic schedule starts off nicely on a Monday with therapy in the morning, followed by afternoon/evening tutoring work. I’m at university on Tuesdays, with Wednesdays and Thursdays being my placement days. Friday, I’ve also carved some time in the morning for yoga, with tuition work from late morning to the evening.

More Sunday reading sessions at the Horniman

Saturdays, from mid—November will also be spent tutoring from the early morning until the late afternoon / early evening. Some Sundays I still have Lego parties, so I will likely cut back on these as they aren’t as reliable, so I really need to prioritise the tuition work, which is also more grounding as it means returning to a regular place of work at someone’s home, rather than going all over the place.

Sunday artmaking

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #104

I’m back at university on Tuesdays and awaiting my placement to start on Wednesdays and Thursdays, wondering how I’m able to fill the time with so much and yet still lack time to read. It’s hopefully the last bedbug treatment today. I never want to go through this again, so I hope that TfL and other services are being rigorous about inspecting and treating transport etc. seeing as London Mayor Sadiq Khan has stated it is a cause for concern.

I’m now working Mondays, Fridays and Saturdays, which leaves the Sabbath as my only day of rest. Realistically, it won’t exactly be rest. It will be occasionally facilitating Lego parties. It will be making response art and studying. It will be ironing and food prep and other household chores . I’m likely to put aside my desire to always shop locally at the grocers and so on, and will probably start ordering online more for convenience. I’m still socialising here and there, but I will probably have to streamline this and hope my friends will still be there at the end, maybe revert back to phone calls to stay connected. Thankfully, I do have some local friends too.

She Grrrowls October 2023

I spent most of last weekend reading my course books in my spare time actually, and have now finished one book from the whole course. I also had training at a new agency I’ve signed up with for tutoring, which could prove to be more lucrative that my current array of agencies. Lastly, She Grrrowls returned to the Catford Mews, which is going to be every second Thursday in November, February, March and April. It was great! Leilah King was an excellent headliner and I felt so happy afterwards! Until I got off the bus and a bunch of drunk men seemed to saying “oi” to me, then encroached towards me, but thankfully I got through my door and they went onwards to the only pub in the area that has security outside…

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #103

At the moment, countless things are going wrong with my living situation, which has been time consuming, costly and is causing me ongoing stress. This won’t be fully sorted until towards the end of next month, so I’m just trying to get through this period, and really hoping things will improve then. Thankfully, I have been able to delay the start of my placement. Just today, I’ve been given the all clear to go ahead, but if I can make sure that I am in a better space physically and mentally before I start, then I should be kind to myself and allow it.

My inspirational younger cousin – a fellow artist and writer – before jetting off to Bulgaria

With the time I’ve had before the new term kicks off, I’ve been setting up my work and have been completing a new ACE application. If it pays off, it will be really helpful to pay my training fees, giving me consistency and also doing something I love. I also had a breakthrough moment with one of my students, who I will have to stop tutoring due to my placement starting, but it’s so great to see their confidence improve. I’ve also had a couple of successful interview to get on a couple more agency’s books.

Bug socks, because you have to keep your sense of humour to get you through the bad times

However, I’ve also had some creative disappointments too. I didn’t make it onto the Southbank’s New Poetry Collective, and I didn’t get a competitive commission that would have tied in so well to the work I’m doing, and really helped me financially. I’m finding it quite challenging to celebrate others’ successes without negatively comparing myself. However, being involved in actually sharing and creating work has really uplifted me. It’s important to know what actions you can take to get you out of those feelings.

Posting more videos on TikTok & Insta
whilst I have the time

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #101

Last week was a quieter period, where I failed to get on top of things as much as I would have liked. I found my marks for my written assignment and was disappointed to get 53, just scraping a pass. I was able to share work with my peers and through this and the verbal feedback, I was able to see where I could have improved. I realised that certain learning processes aren’t working for me and my overwhelm at what to include goes back to the fact that I need to reassess the way I read in order to actually absorb it and keep track of the content to apply in written assignments. It is strange to identify as a writer and yet understand how dyspraxia is impacting my comprehension.

I had booked a half-price hot stone massage, knowing that it would be exactly what I needed. I had sprained my ankle seeing Muse in Milton Keynes (great gig, horrible journey, getting back at 2:45am) – another example of dyspraxia in action. I was about to cancel it, but in the end went through with it, and it was just the kind of somatic therapy I needed.

The rest of the week was also filled with activity, so thankfully my sprain hasn’t been too bad, and it just a bit bruised now. On Tuesday, I met with a couple of course-mates, on Wednesday I met a couple who were visiting my partner from Türkiye, on Thursday I hosted Forest Hill Stanza at Mozart London, and Friday I went bouldering for the first time (I injured my thumb slightly on a little fall when my leg slipped).

This weekend I have been to a house party; despite accepting the fact that I don’t like parties, everyone was really lovely and I had a great time. With the last remaining bit of energy, I went to Margate (thankfully by car). It felt right; I played games on the beach, swam in the sea, and ended the day on an ice-cream, followed by a cloudy lemonade sour beer at Xylo.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #100

As the end of my first year training to be an Art Psychotherapist comes to an end, I don’t feel like I have fully accepted it. I can’t imagine how I would feel at the end of the three years, and I feel more anxious than I’ve ever felt about qualifying. Still, I have a summer where I can read and see some of my fellow course-mates.

Invigilating last weekend’s exhibition

As a tutor, I have a lot of experience with endings. However, I imagine it is all the more intense when dealing with endings in psychotherapy, likely in situations where you are powerless to extend therapy where there is still a need for it. This week, I’ve had a sudden ending, without a final session, which I feel undermines the relationship between tutor and student, and undervalues the work we do together. Yet, thinking about the neoliberal structure, my focus is initially on how I can make up the six hours of work now lost. However, I felt a need to make space to feel the sadness of the loss of this professional relationship.

Anticipating the release of Barbie

The student that I will likely now seen comes with a family tragedy, so in the learning environment there is an inevitable holding of pain, despite not being therapeutic. It is a strange time to be starting with new students, and coming towards the endings of the summer term.

‘5 a Day’ prints available for £40

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #96

Like it always seems, I’ve been thinking about balance and protecting time. Specially, protecting time for rest and creativity. When I create, I feel energised in a way that also comes from resting. I am reminding myself of the sacrifices I’m choosing to make, and the reason why I’m working so much is to pay for my studies. They have to be priorities. I want to maintain my relationships, but I also need to trust that my friends, family and partner will understand and support me in this time and know that I’m not going anywhere, and neither are they.

New reading group room has fancy chairs and everyone’s first reaction is to sit in on.

Working on Sundays, albeit for two hours, is not working for me. That time is going to be all the more necessary when I’m on my work placement, training on the job, as it were. This is time that from June I want to protect: to lay in with my partner, to move my body, to create, to read, and to connect with others even if that just means a phone call or local quick cuppa, because I’ll be getting ready for the week ahead, making lunches and having a relaxing bath. There may be exceptions, but they should be exceptions to this rule.

Morning sun.

Whenever I talk about how busy I am, I am annoyed, feeling complicit and perpetuating this capitalistic culture of busyness. I don’t want to compare between friends how busy we are. The people I admire are those who are resting more. #goals

I’ll be posting more about this on Instagram at some point.

So, what am I already doing to protect my time from work that I can emulate in other ways, on other days? I’m not working Tuesday afternoons, I’m debriefing with colleges and when I have to work, it’s an exception to the rule (for example, I’m actually going away over the bank holiday, but this means moving some work to the bank holiday this Monday and to the Tuesday evening). I’m protecting my Friday yoga class as the teacher is the best I’ve ever had, and despite being in a gym, it feels like a deep and somatic, spiritual experience. Even if I have to wear my gym clothes for the rest of the day.

Letting my friends know my social life will be sacrificed somewhat.

I’m also protecting Pilates on Thursdays, and Zoca dance on Saturday as much as possible. Plus boxing when I have the energy. Generally speaking, moving my body helps me in all other areas of my life, whether that’s walking more, going to the gym, or doing some other activity. Keeping to routines also helps me with increasing my sleep, which is also a major goal for me, the impact of which on other areas of life is underestimated.

From The Pattern App

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #95

Last Saturday, I hosted a Lego party, and the next day the mum complained about me, with the goal it seemed to get me to lose my job. She claimed that I wasn’t qualified or suitable for the job.

Given that I have done the same for the past four parties and was even given a tip by the last parent, it seemed it was more about the disappointment at the children losing interest in the activity that was more suitable for her older son, plus a dislike for my personal style of facilitation.

I tried not to take it personally, was supported and didn’t lose the work, sent an email in response, and took action where I could. So, I’ve edited my profile on the website, and have crafted an email to send out prior to parties to set expectations. I am not a party entertainer, I’m a party facilitator, and my job is to follow the workshop programme as per my training, interacting with the children, but mostly making sure they know what they are doing and are working and having fun together.

This week, I had my gran visit, and eased back into my regular work schedule. On Tuesday, I also had a couple of fellow Trainee Art Therapists over and we baked cupcakes. It made me think back to the Red Sky Sessions with Apples & Snakes about doing something creative every day, and thinking this doesn’t have to be visual art or poetry, but can also be baking!

Once more, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do.

Freelance Reflections #94

My energy levels have been really unpredictable recently. Last week, they went up, only to come crashing down. Thankfully I managed to ask a family if I could tutor online for a couple of days, and now I’m am out and about after a morning yoga session. This week I have mainly seen the one student who is coming up to his GCSEs. He and the rest of the family were still sleeping when I arrived!

I’ve seen a lot of family, and met my cousin’s baby (I’m just calling myself an aunt because neither of us have siblings). I’ve also done lots of creative work; I painted last Sunday in response to the Coram conversation panel and poetry night, and I caught up with a Red Sky Session the day after doing a very career-based one, which actually left me feeling quite down on myself. It was doing the creative part that made me feel good. My partner joined me and I loved the synchronicity of our images, with both our arms up in the air!

I have next Tuesday off thankfully, because I’ll need my energy with all the work I’ve got coming up! Tutoring will be back in full swing next week, the Art Psychotherapy training starts up again the following week, and I’ve got a couple of consecutive weekends of Lego parties!

Once more, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #92

It’s Saturday and I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m in danger of getting ill from work intensity and the changing whether, plus the stresses and demands of of my personal situation right now. However, I’m pleased to be working, and know this time will pass as I strive for balance. I am trying to listen to my body and rest more today, doing less than I planned ahead of another busy week.

I went along to the picket line at Goldsmiths to support the staff at the university. I’m now tutoring over twenty hours a week, although at times due to the needs of some of my students, sessions get cut short. So, after going back on forth on buses, I managed to find a decent hot chocolate at Norris + Knight, Spanish deli and cafe, where I did some reading in preparation for my first placement interview for September.

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!