It’s been up and down this week as I may lose another student, but I may gain other one. It’s still hard to cover my costs, so I’ve tried my hand at matched betting again, which took a while to come through but worked out well! The main challenge at the moment is paying for personal therapy each week as this isn’t something that can be counted as an expense for Universal Credit, yet is an essential part of my training.
I’ve mainly been stuck into writing my assignments, aside from attending my placement and working. I had a couple less students this week due to half term, though haven’t had as much time as I would like on studying, so looking forward for some more time this afternoon for it. Uni was quite long this week as we had a whole day focussed on age and ageism. Initially, I just wanted that time to wrote, but it ended up being quite interesting, and I became more aware of everyday ageism, including its internalisation, and even came across an interview with Halle Berry on Trevor Noah’s podcast ‘What Now?’
Valeria
That evening was also spent listening to a reading of Preciado’s ‘Can The Monster Speak?’ I watched from home to conserve energy, but it was still very powerful to hear LGBTQ+ people in the field reading the text, and useful to hold a discussion afterwards. I also put my brain to work in a different way by attending the local pub quiz, which initially I arranged partly because they have a cash prize!
new valentine plant
Tomorrow is the Forest Hill Stanza Open Mic, and otherwise there’s a few poetry events happening next week that I’m contemplating, though torn as I need to focus on my assignments. One I had a hand in recommending acts for, which is Too Crip, Too Queer, At Deptford Lounge (and streaming online) on Wednesday.
Watching: The Simpsons, Valeria, Race Across the World, Secret Diary of a Callgirl
Reading: A Promised Land by Barack Obama (audiobook), It All Makes Sense Now by Alex Patridge (audiobook), The Elected Member by Bernice Rubens
I am thrilled to say that I will now stop fundraising for my course fees! My prayers were answered and I have been awarded enough to cover the remaining fees! So by the end of next month I will be able to pay my fees off completely and focus my energies on surviving the next few months. I cannot express what a relief it is! I’m unsure if I can reveal the source of the award yet, but it means I will also get to allocate time to developing a new pamphlet of poems, which is exciting.
Royal Academy
Last weekend, I managed to see the exhibition at the RA: Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael. Although I tend to prefer seeing contemporary art, it was fascinating to see such old drawings and the relationships and influence between the artists. I’ve also watched a lot of Da Vinci’s Demons, so it was interesting for me to make these connections. I had a Lego party on the Saturday and on Sunday, I crocheted for the first time and made a very improvised heart shape. I think I’ll still to a scarf next time!
my first crochet
I had my mid-placement reports from both my university supervisor and my clinical placement supervisor. They were very encouraging, and having needed to build my confidence back up after not receiving great assignment grades, it feels like I am on the right track.
getting comfy in the library
I’m looking forward to a weekend where I can fully focus on my assignments, other than attending my friend Ella’s yoga class on Sunday and maybe going for a hot drink. It’s in Forest Hill, if you’re reading this and fancy some affordable and trauma-informed yoga to get your day started! Book here.
Lastly, if you haven’t watched the series Mo, I highly recommend it. The last series was so poignant and important viewing. It features Mo Amer, a Palestinian-American comedian, and the story appears to be semi-autobiographical, it is co-created by Mo Amer and Ramy Youssef.
Watching: Stable, The Simpsons, Mo
Reading: A Promised Land by Barack Obama (audiobook), The Interpersonal World of the Infant by Daniel N. Stern, The Elected Member by Bernice Rubens
This week I’ve had a couple of work video calls and might get a new student all being well, though video calls aren’t usually part of the process. My trial lesson with a new student went well, but it’s not 100% confirmed to go ahead, and there might be an issue with days, so I’ll have to wait to see as it gets closer to March.
Meanwhile, I’ve found some ways to get cheaper deals on food. I’ve got a local community store, which can help to reduce my overall spend on groceries each week, but involves calling up to book an appointment a week ahead. I’ve also tried ‘To Good to Go’, which is an app that helps to reduce food waste by picking up food that would otherwise be thrown for a reduced price. The half an hour walk to ADLI and back wasn’t worth it for what was mostly different kinds of lettuce (lots of salads that week), but local cafe Galão had an amazing selection (though also helped to know the owner so got a few extra)! I also got into the Lottery Instant Win prizes and managed to put in £2 and leave with £20! Warning: it is very addictive, especially being one step away from a £100,000 win!
We didn’t have uni this week, but I went in to check out the new ceramics studio. Because Goldsmiths seem to make a lot of mistakes, it won’t even be ready to use until the last term, but I’m not even going to hold out for that to be honest. I dropped some books at the library, as I had read most of them, so I could focus on more relevant material. That day I also had a meeting with the subject librarian, which was massively helpful, and had a tutorial for some of the software I have. I’m making some headway on my assignments since thankfully obtaining client consent, so after my proposal is approved, I can really get stuck in!
Homemade Börek
My highlight last week was my friend Ella testing her yoga class out, and then going for a walk in local woodlands (where I took these photos). I think we both really needed that for the week ahead. I feel very fortunate to have a friend so close by that I’m able to do these things with. She’s doing classes in Brixton and Forest Hill.
Watching: Mo, Race Across the World, The Simpsons, Squid Games
Reading: A Promised Land by Barack Obama (audiobook), The Ordeal of Gilbert Pinfold by Evelyn Waugh, The Interpersonal World of the Infant by Daniel N. Stern, The Elected Member by Bernice Rubens
Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Master: the allegations against Neil Gaiman
This week I didn’t have a great time at the job centre, and found it really stressful and unsupportive. It kept me up at night as even with the financial support on top of my existing work, I’m barely covering my basic needs, let alone saving the last £2000 for my training. I’m looking into ways to make my groceries cheaper like community shops, and found a bag of mystery groceries on ‘Too Good to Go’ from ALDI for £3.50. If it works out well, it could prove fruitful!
gift for a gal who likes games and cycling 🎲🚲
I had my mid-placement report and it went really well! I’m building up my confidence despite some recent knock-backs and navigating it all as best I can, balancing it with reading and writing. I’ve started early enough that it should be okay as long as I can get the client consent! I have a meeting with my tutor soon too, so I’m hoping that will help too.
Lunar New Year meal 🧧
Work has felt better this week, and I have a trial lesson on Saturday with a new student, which I need to plan for today. I’m currently in a queue waiting for applications to open for Hot Box for festival work, so hopefully I’ll manage to sign up soon and have something to look forward to post-studies whilst also hopefully getting some income!
Hoping to pop to this after work 📚
Watching: Gavin & Stacey, Squid Games, The Traitors & The Traitors Uncloaked
Reading: A Promised Land by Barack Obama (audiobook), The Ordeal of Gilbert Pinfold by Evelyn Waugh, The Interpersonal World of the Infant by Daniel N. Stern
I’ve been unwell the last week, but managed to find a balance between cancellations and continuing activities. I facilitated a 6th birthday Lego party on Saturday, which had 15 children! I could have done without this drain on my energy, but I was able to get a lift to make it a bit more tolerable. I stayed at home and reduced my exercise to just walking at the start of the week and was able to return to yoga by Friday.
study buddies
I managed to make my placement to conduct my first ever solo Art Therapy group! I had only two people who came in at different times, but it felt like a positive start, and some nerves were alleviated. I presented during supervision the next day and had individual clinical supervision on the Wednesday, where I was able to work from home. I agreed to bring reading materials on groups to study with a fellow trainee in a local café, which was nice.
On Thursday, I went to the trust’s trainee forum, which ended up being really useful and a great opportunity to connect with different trainees from different universities. I then had an afternoon of work, so it was quite a long, tiring day. After yoga on Friday, I did some chores, and spent the afternoon trying to focus on assignments whilst navigating work admin, feeling quite overwhelmed. Again, I felt devalued by agency work, yet hopeful about the work I could actually do with this new student.
I took a break that evening as a friend offered to cook me dinner. With the rest of the weekend ahead, I plan to focus on my studies, aside from the first Forest Hill Stanza open mic of the year on Sunday. I’m hoping I can find balance and make some progress with my assignments as a result.
Watching: The Simpsons, The Traitors, Squid Games, A Good Deed, Gavin & Stacey, Bottoms (film), How Israel Won the West (documentary film), Israelism: How Young American Jews’ Views of Israel Are Shifting (documentary film)
Reading: A Promised Land by Barack Obama (audiobook), The Ordeal of Gilbert Pinfold by Evelyn Waugh, Art Psychotherapy Groups: Between Pictures & Words edited by Sally Skaife, Group Analytic Art Therapy by Gerry McNeilly
This week has taken its toll on me emotionally, and now physically. I write this in bed, as I hope to rest and recuperate (whilst studying) as much as possible before Monday, when I will now be running my first solo Art Therapy group. Having spoken to my fellow trainee ahead of what was meant to be our first group on Monday, I was shocked to find out that they were terminating their placement. I received no further communication. As someone who tends to take on too much responsibility, aside from the upset, there is part of me that is more comfortable doing it on my own. I just hope I’m physically well enough.
if you don’t eat your Christmas chocolate in time…
I’ve had a few ups and downs personally, and I often feel my throat becomes sore during period of emotional intensity. I have survived a full moon during my period, but despite letting out some emotions, a lot has also been bottled up. I have continued to do artmaking, exercise, meditate and practiced the ukulele. Despite many of the work coaches at the job centre being unsupportive and defensive in their manners, a second woman engaged me positively, and it really touched me that she described me as “strong” for doing the work I’m doing on placement. She had no idea how much I needed to hear that this week.
Snapchat Moments
I am down to three students and I would love to keep it that way, but unfortunately I need at least three or four more hours of weekly lessons to meet the threshold for Universal Credit to cut down my meetings from weekly to monthly. I don’t mind attending meetings, but it’s anxiety provoking when you don’t know who you’re going to get and what they will say. I have to do some more work over the weekend, but I’m grateful to not have the evening and morning lessons I was due to have, now having lost three students I expected to continue with this term, so I can be home as much as possible before the big day on Monday!
Watching: Traitors, No Good Deed, Girls 5eva, Squid Games
Reading: Faces in the Water by Janet Frame, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy and Inpatient Group Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom, The Work of Whiteness by Helen Morgan, A Promised Land by Barack Obama (audiobook), The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate
The first week back at work has been tough, though mainly due to work being taken away that I had expected to be able to rely on, students choosing other tutors over me and trying not to take it personally, meeting at the job centre in the wake of this, which felt punitive rather than supportive, and miscommunication with an agency resulting in them stopping my onboarding process after having gone through a long interview process, unpaid safeguarding training, unpaid admin… all because my references didn’t respond in good time.
coming into the new year like
All I really want to do is study, and that’s what I’ve been doing this weekend mainly… aside from trying to get more income. Meanwhile, I’ve been overcoming challenges on placement and becoming more confident. Having started my one-to-one appointment, I’m now about to co-facilitate a group this week, so this brings up a whole new set of challenges. I’ve been reading a lot of Yalom. Though I am also conscious about the balance between the clinical work and the assignments I’m writing.
gratitude jar
Aside from this, I went to the pub quiz as a last hurrah, having set my intentions to really minimise social activities. I’ve been dealing with personal stresses reasonably well, artmaking, exercising, and even did some ukulele one evening. My friend also told me about this idea of a gratitude jar – each day writing something to be grateful for and then you read over them all at the end of the year (or 6 months as a boost). It’s such a lovely idea!
Watching: Traitors, Israelism: How Young American Jews’ Views of Israel Are Shifting, How Israel Won The West
Reading: Faces in the Water by Janet Frame, The Changing Shape of Art Therapy by Andrea Gilroy, and Introduction to Art Psychotherapy by Anthony Bateman, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy and Inpatient Group Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom, The Work of Whiteness by Helen Morgan, Dreams from my Father by Barack Obama (audiobook)
Since I last updated, I have had some proper time off, which was spent with friends and family. Although my alone-time was mainly spent studying, this really is my goal from now until June.
Before the break I finally submitted my Arts Council application for the fourth time. I really hope that it is successful because I have the kind of determination that just will not stop, especially having put in so much work to it at this point – it feels impossible to give up on and probability wise, how many times would I have to submit for it to eventually be accepted, or would there be a possibility that it may never be accepted? I should find out the outcome in March and should this be unsuccessful, I am unsure whether I could prioritise editing the application right in the middle of my assignments, which will all be due in May… however, I would have a chance to resubmit and not have to change any of the timeline which would make things a lot easier. I guess this is a time where all I can do is try to manifest.
On Christmas Eve, I was officially diagnosed as Autistic. During the festive period, I posted a video about how this felt as I found myself almost wanting to deny it, and thinking that they might have made a mistake, questioning the legitimacy of it, having gone through the right to choose and received the diagnosis from Psychiatry UK. It was very overwhelming news and certainly makes me see my professional life, as well as my personal life, in a new light. I think the fact that it is a medical diagnosis has been difficult to come to terms with, but as I said in my video, this doesn’t mean I am “wrong” but rather just different from the neurotypical norm. I received a lot of love and support from quite a few people after posting the video, so this was really appreciated.
I was with family travelling to different places across England for five days and once I returned, I went straight back to my university library. I dropped a couple of books off and picked up nine more! I felt very overwhelmed when I came back home, until I was able to tell myself to pick up a book and start reading, which I did for an hour. I did see somewhere that reading can be as beneficial as yoga in terms of the mental relaxation and so taking this action did calm me and allowed me to feel like even though I may not be able to read as much as I would like to that I will make progress if I do the work.
hand knitted scarf from my cousin!
I started writing one of my essays on the 30th December and this has dominated the time that I have dedicated to my studies, to the point where I’ve written way more than necessary, will still have more to add based on the next few months of my placement, and so will inevitably have to reduce the overall text quite brutally.
NYE
Tomorrow I will begin my individual client work, which feels really scary, but I’m hoping will feel easier with time. One of the issues that is worrying me that I didn’t have to deal with on my previous placement is that it has been deemed that going to the assessment with any kind of bullet points on paper with a pen is not appropriate for this client group. I may be able to bring something to the final assessment session because I have dyspraxia, which impacts my ability to hold a lot of information in my head, and so that is my biggest concern, as well as not having the space and time to get down the information that I need. I am also starting to feel sad about ending with the group that I’m in at the moment, but I think it is important that I have that experience of an ending at this time.
This week I also start back at work. I received some news that one of my clients wants to cancel as they want a different tutor, dissatisfied with the progress that child is making. It is really hard to not take these things personally and see it as a failure because I don’t quite see how another tutor would be better. I have also already planned the first six weeks of lessons and so that is potentially a waste of time and ink and paper… however it would mean not having to wake up so early on Saturday mornings.
Watching: Squid Games, Love on the Spectrum Australia, Traitors
Reading: Faces in the Water by Janet Frame, Letters Home by Jennifer Wong, The Changing Shape of Art Therapy by Andrea Gilroy, and Introduction to Art Psychotherapy by Anthony Bateman
Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Psychiatry & Psychotherapy Podcast, ADHD Chatter
As January nears, so does my fear of tuition fees. I had a dream where I won £100,000, only to be told by an angry man that I couldn’t use the money to pay for my tuition fees. I worked out that in reality, in order to fund my course so far, I used half my ISA savings (should I be able to afford to buy a home by the time I’m 40…) I am trying to focus on saving more so I don’t have to do that anymore, but even if I did need to pay my final £2158 in April through these savings, it’s enough to not need to stress so much: I am working, I am receiving Universal Credit, and I will get through these next five months!
Narnia
Last weekend aside from my latest attempt at the ACE application, I hosted a Christmas party – including Kahoot! quizzes and Werewolf – and had an enforced duvet day, which has helped me through the last week. It was my last week of placement before the break, and I also went to the arts centre that details about the site’s history, which also has a Narnia cupboard you could walk into. Although I wanted to focus on assignments on the Tuesday, I spent a full five hours hyper-fixated on completing the ACE application, ready to submit on Monday after a fresh look. I spent about three hours of the rest of the day studying.
little small but it’s the thought that counts 😅
I had some work cancelled on Thursday, so got on top of emails before (and after) my final two students. Yesterday was meant to be another day of assignments, but a portion (NEARLY 3 HOURS!) was taken up with dealing with a faulty cable sent by Apple just four months ago, who made it incredibly difficult to get a replacement and wouldn’t refund me to get a new one before I go away… anyway, I managed to study for three hours before sharing Mexican food (I made buñuelos) and making 8 maids a milking with some fellow trainees for a window display.
Watching: Grinch animation, Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special, Carolin Kebekus: The Last Christmas Special, The Simpsons, Monsters
Reading: The Changing Shape of Art Therapy by Andrea Gilroy, Introduction to Psychotherapy by Anthony Bateman, Faces in the Water by Janet Frame, The Body Remembers by Babette Rothschild
Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Longform with Theo Padnos, Sleepy
Music: Princess Nokia, Doechi, Black Unicorn playlist
Last week I had my appointment with Universal Credit and I ended up crying again. The system is so broken. It felt more like an interrogation than support and is a humiliating process that I wouldn’t have put myself through had someone previously made it clearer that there wouldn’t be an expectation for me to find a full-time job whilst I am committed to the students I am tutoring and providing alternative education for, with a mixture of PAYE and self-employment that makes up my business as a whole. I put so much work into creating my evidence, I practically had to beg them to look at it, and not all of it was looked at. Still, it is now on my record that despite seeing a regular work coach again, if I earn a combined total of £892 or more then I won’t have to attend weekly appointments. I expect this will be the case, but with the upcoming break, it’s likely I’ll have to go through a period of attending weekly appointments.
Cat-sitting Dave
My clinical placement is progressing, with plans in the pipeline to start with an open group and an individual in the new year. I haven’t had quite as much time for studying as I would have liked, having been roped into other tasks. However, I have finished a book and with a stack of texts still remaining from last year, I will need to prioritise and maybe even discard some that are no longer as relevant.
Christmas cracker season!
On the day where I would usually be at university, I finished off my Christmas ceramics and returned to the She Grrrowls Arts Council application for the fourth time. Inevitably, it’s taking longer than I expected and have been spending any time I can working on this. It would be amazing to finish it over the weekend, but it’s likely I’ll at least wait until nearer Christmas until I actually submit it. I don’t know what I’ll do if it is rejected again, but if feels like I get nearer each time and surely I shouldn’t have do it a fifth time to show my passion and dedication to the project, especially having to contend with losing my venue!
looking forward to lots more roasts!
I am looking forward to finishing it so I can get really stuck into my uni work. It’s so interesting as I’m having dreams about the clinical work for the first time on this placement, which probably goes to show how much head space it’s taking up! Sorry to my friends and family as I don’t expect I’ll be seeing much of anyone until I finish – all being well – in June 2025! I have a few students still across Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, going right to 20th December, but I’m trying as much as possible to dedicate as much time as possible to studying!
Watching: Intelligence, Girls 5eva, The Simpsons
Reading: Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker (audiobook), A Matter of Security: The Application of Attachment Theory to Forensic Psychotherapy by Friedemann Pfäfflin, Fearless 2 by Francine Pascal
Podcasts: Psychiatry & Psychotherapy
Music: Black Union playlist (in preparation for NYE!)
Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer. 