Art Psychotherapy – Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer.

Freelance Reflections #180

So, some of my tutoring work will carry on into the new year, but thankfully it’s the one I can walk to, and the one I take a fairly long bus to is ending today! In my full time role, I’m gradually increasing my caseload and starting to do more work independently. I love my team so much and feel so thankful, especially as my personal life has been so difficult, it’s also a great distraction to be spending five days a week there.

Yet, it’s important to remember that it is tough to keep going and to allow time for grief, to lean into it, to process, the heal in snatched moments each day. I process a lot through writing, so when it comes to me, I turn my pain into poetry.

I’m still unsure about my online presence, as I would prefer people I’m working with to respect my privacy, and it’s now pretty impossible to grow any audience with a private profile, and though someone did give me a follow request through comment engagement on others’ posts, that’s also something I’m wanting to minimise… and since cutting down my social media time to once a week, I’m finding myself staying up to the early hours when I do go online. So, finding the ideal time to curb it is difficult.

I don’t have much time after my commute to do much else other than exercise, eat, and sleep, so I’ve had some late nights trying to do a few bits and pieces – namely, I have a very important submission deadline. It also wasn’t helpful that I went to see Joseph Morpurgo’s Sleeping Sounds for Baby. It was a bit hit-and-miss for me, but I liked the concept, admired its creativity and ingenuity, and some parts were properly laugh-out-loud funny! I do need a day’s notice but that’s pretty spontaneous for me! And although autism means structure and routine are important to me, I do believe it’s important to break out of this sometimes, so I postponed my swim for Thursday.

I had post-work plans today, but they were cancelled. I made new ones, then they were cancelled. So, I took it as a message from the universe to stay in and maybe watch a film after some creative work as I have an early rise the next day anyway.

Watching: Girlfriends, Ted Lasso, Severance, The Amanda Knox Story, Ripples

Reading: The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, The Autistic Burnout Workbook by Megan Anna Neff, I cannot be good until you say it by Sanah Ahsan, In Search of Lost Time / In Remembrance of Things Past Volume 3 by Marcel Proust

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Doja Cat, Dua Lipa, Die Spitz, System of a Down, Mumford & Sons, Say Anything

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #179

News

I worked tutoring last Saturday then went to Wayne Thiebaud’s American Still Life exhibition at Somerset House. It sparked an idea to use polymer clay to make some 3D versions of the painting, which I’m saving for the new year.

On the Sunday I ran the Forest Hill Stanza open mic, which was small, but lovely, and included people who came back from different times before. In my full time job, I had three days of RAID training, which was so good! It’s basically a way to reduce restrictive practice and was great to work alongside different colleagues outside of my team.

Yesterday was an exam day, so I didn’t have to work, and I’ve had a family-filled and art-filled weekend. I went down Havelock Walk for the open studios, and went back to the Museum of Dreams to show some of my family. Today I visited some of my younger cousins and got to play games and make puzzles with them, and left later than anticipated, but still didn’t feel like long enough.

Now it’s soon time to get ready for another week. It will be my first official week with a caseload and with my regular rotation of locations. Meanwhile, I’ve still been applying for creative opportunities and submitting poems for publication and so on. It’ll be another six-day week, but hopefully the last!

Watching: Severance, Girlfriends, Enviosa

Reading: The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, The Autistic Burnout Workbook by Megan Anna Neff, Neverland by Vanessa Kisuule, I cannot be good until you say it by Sanah Ahsan

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Delilah Bon

If you’d like to buy some books, please do! Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #177

News

The last couple of weeks I have been focussed on the induction to my full-time job, and getting into a new routine, which involves waking up at 6am and trying to squeeze what I see as bare minimum activities into my evenings and mostly failing to be in bed by 10pm.

In case you’re interested, my after work routine involves having some form of exercise, making and eating dinner, a short meditation, preparing for the next day, watching something with chocolate and milk, and reading. The exercise includes running 5km, swimming for 50 minutes, a dance class to Soca music, yoga, weights, and a home workout. Plus, a weekly sauna and cold plunge, which I did for the first time in 1 degree weather last night, which was… let’s say, invigorating, to say the least!

In addition to this, I still have some tuition work, but not for too much longer! I also managed to submit a new project grant application for ACE funding with my access workers. I should find out early next year, in which case I will be working on Saturday again, but either way I would be doing some form of creative work on Saturdays, so I really hope I finally get the funding, so I can bring this project to fruition finally!

I had a major stress this week because my Universal Credit payment wasn’t going to come through after an unnecessary appointment was booked to verify self-employment all because it was triggered when I was reporting my new job, but also trying to be honest by saying I was still doing self-employed work as well. I can’t wait to end the claim, but for some reason I still have an appointment in December even though it’s post pay-day in my new job. I’ll see if I can just end the claim on the call, because thankfully I won’t be needing it anymore… and I really hope I don’t have to go back to living on £200 a month after rent. I wrote a poem about it and then after my persistence in getting someone to speak to me on Friday, I had some funds come through.

Aside from work stuff and documenting various think-pieces as I go through my breakup, I also had a flat-warming with friends and had my appointment at the Spanish consulate to submit my documents for Spanish Nationality. I asked if my dad could accompany me as I’m autistic and they agreed, which made a massive difference to my anxiety. It was a success, so aside from some panic about him changing his name so it matches with his Spanish passport, and a few handwritten amendments, it was all good. That evening, maxed out into my overdrafts, I stubbornly (and some might say foolishly), spent my last £10 on a tarta de Santiago from Maria’s Tortilla in Dulwich.

Today went so quickly, and I can’t believe how cold, rainy and dark it is. However, I am looking forward to spending the rest of the weekend doing artmaking and returning to my poetry pamphlets. I’ve tried to find some time over the next month or so to do an hour of each of the 10 different categories of creative projects I want to do for myself, and I’m hoping that the exploration will give me some direction for the new year.

Watching: Madre Solo hay Dos, Leaving Neverland, Severance, Girlfriends, Platonic

Reading: Neverland: The Pleasures and Perils of Fandom by Vanessa Kisuule, This is Yesterday by Rose Ruane, Black Issues in the Therapeutic Process by Isha McKenzie-Mavinga

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Miss Me, Teal Swam

Music: Florence + The Machine, System of a Down, Routine Caffeine, The Last Dinner Party, Chappell Roan, Blondshell, Princess Nokia

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #176

News

In preparation for going into my new role at the NHS as a Specialist Practitioner / Art Therapist, I attended The Art Therapy Co-op’s Unconference, organised in part by my old university supervisor. I got to see my old classmates, make art and think together, including an Art Therapy Large Group on Palestine. I spoke twice the whole day, which felt like an achievement.

I continued making art and doing more CPD the next day, as I’ve signed up for a year of weekly three-hour online seminars more broadly around psychotherapy. It will also be during my meal prep time going forward, so I’m not going to be too hard on myself for not doing all the reading and not getting overly involved. Perhaps the day before spurred me on to speak this time, though it felt like it feel flat.

On my last days of “freedom”, I tried to get better at sleeping earlier and instead just slept less, but I made the 8am Monday sauna. I did a combination of emotional work, admin, and organising before my gas was finally fixed and switched back on, so I at least managed to finally have a bath, even if it was later than expected!

I spent the first couple of days in my new role doing online training, before going into the second site that I’d not been to before. There are six wards in that one alone, so it feels overwhelming, as there may be double that including the other ward. I came in to pick up the trust laptop, but still couldn’t access it for the training from home… it then turned out it was for nurses, so that felt like a bit of a waste of time! It was great to go in and meet some of the team properly though.

I’ll be working in Isleworth two days a week, and having spent a lot of my early 20s there due to my first love being there, so it felt very strange to be back there. Also working in Hammersmith, where my gran lived and worked (also a psychotherapist) feels very poignant. It’s like I am being forced to revisit my past and find some kind of meaning from that.

My friend also found my doppelgänger and I was fully convinced it was an AI version of me! She’s even a life coach and writer, so working in a similar field: Beatriz Victoria Albina. I actually think I could do with giving her book a read!

In the middle of a busy weekend, having just finished work, I’m thankful I’ve at least done some meal prep for the week ahead – my first work of full time work! Even my work in education technically hasn’t been full time (and I happen to think full time work is too much and am all for a 3-day weekend!) Wish me luck!

Watching: The Celebrity Traitors, Platonic, No Number: The High School Catfish

Reading: This Is Yesterday by Rose Ruane, Black Issues in the Therapeutic Process by Isha McKenzie-Mavinga

Podcasts: Conceitednobodi, The Angie Martinez Show, You Feel Me?, The Daily Show, Hip Hop Raised Me, Best Advice: The Podcast (all about Princess Nokia)

Music: Sophie Castillo, Saya Gray, Lilly Allen, PRINCESS NOKIA!

Freelance Reflections #175

News

So, I left off last time with my anterior uveitis diagnosis, and to add insult to injury, my left wrist/hand is playing up, as is my groin/hip area, so I’m hoping a trip to the GP can sort me out with some blood tests to see if this is related or not. Meanwhile I’m trying to do some physio exercises.

I also smelt gas in my communal area on Monday, and decided to call the national gas emergency line, who came within an hour and confirmed (to their surprise) that there was in fact a leak… which has turned into multiple leaks and lots of digging up in the street. I’ve had no gas since then, and was only delivered some fan heaters and a hot plate after I asked for some on Wednesday night. Thankfully, I have an electric oven and shower, though I am contemplating running the shower into the bath… but probably not as it would be too expensive!

I only have a couple of students now, and as my induction is around 3 weeks, it won’t be too bad working a few hours on a Saturday as well, if I can get some time off in December. Meanwhile, I’ve made some time to write some poems that aren’t about my breakup (since 90% of my poetry at the Forest Hill Stanza open mic is about my breakup), and I finally did some artmaking in response to exhibitions I’d been to over the summer, including this self-portrait influenced by Yoshimoto Nara.

I’m hoping to get on top of emails and make more time for creative projects and reading ahead of starting my new job! Meanwhile, I am currently awaiting an invoice that I urgently need in order to pay my rent and survive until my first payday, whenever that actually is! So much is unknown, but I’m glad to be eased into it!

Sign up to to my mailing list to keep updated here as I contemplate closing this blog series: https://beacons.ai/carminamasoliver

Watching: Girlfriends, Platonic, The Celebrity Traitors

Reading: This is Yesterday by Rose Ruane

Music: Princess Nokia, Ashnikko, Florence + The Machine

Podcasts: It Begins with You – Jillian Turecki, What Now? with Trevor Noah

Freelance Reflections #172

News

I’ve had some more time for assignments, which has felt good. Thinking about the time I have, it has felt more doable. However, there has been difficulties more recently, as due to my dyspraxia, I am able to get a tutor, but this support has been pulled due to a change in companies, so it all feels uncertain and has happened at the worst time as I really need the support for these assignments right now. I have just over a month to finish them! Thankfully I’m off uni for a month, and off placement for a couple of weeks too.

I also attended a ‘Greening Your Practice’ Forum on the day I’d normally have uni, which my placement held online, and was done in a kind of experiential way. I’m focussing on reading more papers for my FCR at the moment, so I can expand it before cutting down words… it’s currently already over 4000 words too long!

After work on Thursday, I went to see Jacob Sam-La Rose and Ella Frears. I hadn’t seen them for years! It was so lovely to see them both, hear their work, and be involved in the Q&A. Seeing all the work Ella has been doing, as someone who possibly started out a similar time to me, has spurred me on to carve more time out for my creative projects after this course and not rush into a job job until it’s something I really want, even if that means doing some voluntary work to keep my Art Psychotherapy skills going.

Today I’ll be going to a local exhibition nearby a student I’m working with, and getting stuck into more academic papers, making the most of some morning sun by walking 45-minutes there and back, also making up for my lack of movement yesterday, where I stayed locally, meeting about a potential summer She Grrrowls event, and going to the Job Centre – the woman I saw was really supportive and it seems I have needlessly taken on more work as both her and the person who is meant to be my appointed job coach have an understanding of what I’m doing at the moment! If I fail the course, I’ll potentially be on benefits for longer! On that note, time for breakfast!

Watching: The Simpsons, Missing You, Toxic Town

Reading: The Interpersonal World of The Infant by Daniel N. Stern, Art, Psychotherapy and Psychosis by Katherine Killick and Joy Schaverien, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers, Qur’an (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Bright Eyes, Green Day, Sleep Token, Bullet for my Valentine

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #171

News

Last weekend, lesson planning took me longer than expected, so I remember feeling quite stressed when I attempted to get back to assignments. I realised that most Sundays were better spent reading, though I’m feeling able to try to edit the word count of a smaller piece today. I had the draft tutorial for my longer piece and that felt quite overwhelming. There’s still a lot more work to do. My main problem is keeping to the word count, but without losing anything integral.

I went to the CPIFF film festival again, and have the last one next week. Placement was from home on Wednesday, which felt like I had a bit of a breather, though I was still working hard, I was able to take a walk and have my lunch outside, which was nice. I also had to finish a book to give back to the library by the weekend, so I spent some time outside reading where possible, but mostly I had to work indoors.

I hyper-focussed for five hours straight on Friday, completing the fifth ACE project grant application, and then the next morning, I read over it, tweaked a few last things and submitted it! That afternoon, I went with the Forest Hill Stanza group to share some poems as part of an event at Deptford Lounge. It was really lovely, well-attended, and people were really interested and I sold a few books too!

Watching: Race Across the World, The Simpsons, Adolescent

Reading: The Interpersonal World of The Infant by Daniel N. Stern, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers, Qur’an (audiobook), The Game Changers by Tim Clare (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Göksel, Download playlist, Lemon drops

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #170

News

Yesterday I started to make notes on the ACE application, responding to the appraisal. The next mission will be to add these details into a new application within the word count, plus perhaps provide more detailed information on artists, and I’m also trying to get some more information about the PR and publisher. I need to submit it within the next week or so in order to keep the project timeline the same. I’ve started a short survey to help support the application, as well as a crowd-funder for help towards the 10%.

Aside from this, last Sunday I submitted the draft of my FCR, which still needs a huge amount of work in order to be passable. I am aiming high, but setting my expectations low. Aside from attending some CPIFF events, where I saw Guy Larsen made a great animation called ‘Root Note’, who had filmed a poem of mine after I won the Poetry Rival Slam back in 2013. It’s wild to think this was 12 years ago!

Placement and work are ticking along, and I’m looking forward to a break in a few weeks so I can have more time to focus on assignments. Right now, after some tuition work I have the whole weekend to focus on studying, which is great. I also managed to get back into clay, just processing my placement and feeling it out, seeing what comes up.

Watching: The Simpsons, Race Across the World, Apple Cider Vinegar, The Search for Instagram’s Worst Con Artist, American Murder: Gabby Petito

Reading: The Elected Member by Bernice Rubens, Attacks on Linking Revisited, The Work of Whiteness by Helen Morgan, The Interpersonal World of The Infant by Daniel N. Stern, None of the Above by Travis Alabanza (audiobook), Qur’an (audiobook), The Game Changers by Tim Clare (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Leon Bridges, Ray Charles, Bullet For My Valentine

Freelance Reflections #169

News

I’m writing this on a Sunday morning, on the way to facilitate a Lego party, luckily not too far away as it’s only an hour long. I’m looking forward to spending the afternoon at the park, but with my laptop as I’m still not ready to submit my draft essay. I’m thinking to also bring some art materials to use during a break.

This week has been full of ups and downs. I hosted a SOLD OUT She Grrrowls at the Southbank Centre’s National Poetry Library, which is the first sold out show since the pandemic, having not been able to go back to The Poetry Cafe, not having heard anything directly from them about going back, and now being priced out of the hire fees.

Nathan Bowen on the boarded up Catford Mews

The day after the event, I got the rejection for the ACE funding application I had submitted for the fourth time. Once I’ve submitted the draft of my Final Clinical Report, I’m going to amend and submit for the fifth time. I’ve even tried to find out many times I would need to submit probability-wise and it could be between 5-10 times, which could take over another year. However, I’m at the point where I have tried so many times, that I’ve gone too far to just stop trying. It was apt that the theme for the event just gone was about resilience.

I’d also met Troy Cabida, who works at the library, the previous week, at Catford Library, reading his work alongside Sanah Ahsan, who I’d met for the third time but it seemed like the first time that we might not both forget that we met. I do wonder how bigger names in poetry deal with meeting so many different people!

Things are otherwise ticking along, and I started with a new student on Fridays. I’ll be tutoring history, which isn’t my specialty, but I’ve found some good resources, my student having chosen to look at Elizabethan England.

The CPIFF festival brought another coincidence as one of the films ‘Root Note’ was made by Guy Larsen, who film a poem for me back in 2013, when I won the Poetry Rivals slam. It was actually one of my favourites, so I should get in touch to say.

Watching: The Simpsons, Race Across the World, Apple Cider Vinegar

Reading: The Elected Member by Bernice Rubens, Attacks on Linking Revisited, The Interpersonal World of The Infant by Daniel N. Stern, None of the Above by Travis Alabanza (audiobook), Qur’an (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? by Trevor Noah, Multiamory: Rethinking Modern Relationships

Music: Cheekface, Chappell Roan

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #167

News

It’s been up and down this week as I may lose another student, but I may gain other one. It’s still hard to cover my costs, so I’ve tried my hand at matched betting again, which took a while to come through but worked out well! The main challenge at the moment is paying for personal therapy each week as this isn’t something that can be counted as an expense for Universal Credit, yet is an essential part of my training.

I’ve mainly been stuck into writing my assignments, aside from attending my placement and working. I had a couple less students this week due to half term, though haven’t had as much time as I would like on studying, so looking forward for some more time this afternoon for it. Uni was quite long this week as we had a whole day focussed on age and ageism. Initially, I just wanted that time to wrote, but it ended up being quite interesting, and I became more aware of everyday ageism, including its internalisation, and even came across an interview with Halle Berry on Trevor Noah’s podcast ‘What Now?’

That evening was also spent listening to a reading of Preciado’s ‘Can The Monster Speak?’ I watched from home to conserve energy, but it was still very powerful to hear LGBTQ+ people in the field reading the text, and useful to hold a discussion afterwards. I also put my brain to work in a different way by attending the local pub quiz, which initially I arranged partly because they have a cash prize!

Tomorrow is the Forest Hill Stanza Open Mic, and otherwise there’s a few poetry events happening next week that I’m contemplating, though torn as I need to focus on my assignments. One I had a hand in recommending acts for, which is Too Crip, Too Queer, At Deptford Lounge (and streaming online) on Wednesday.

Watching: The Simpsons, Valeria, Race Across the World, Secret Diary of a Callgirl

Reading: A Promised Land by Barack Obama (audiobook), It All Makes Sense Now by Alex Patridge (audiobook), The Elected Member by Bernice Rubens

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: AURORA, Ashnikko

Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!

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