News – Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer.

Freelance Reflections #188

There isn’t too much to say as last weekend was quite quiet. After finishing a coincidental Valentine’s episode of “Too Much”, I watched the filme ‘Lee’ about Lee Miller, and paid £4 for a month of the Now TV film package because I was determined to do so (and also signed up to free trials for BFI else due to fake news on my Google search). I also edited some of my poetry collections a little, though there’s still a way to go!

I welcomed in the new lunar year with red for luck, and a little brown for grounding, coincidentally, a friend from Hong Kong informing me of this due to entering the year of the fire horse. I wore snake earrings to symbolically shed the year of the snake by the evening, where I cooked a nice stir-fry with lots of sides.

This week was the return to the pub quiz with a couple of close friends, and thanks to Concerts for Carers I got some complimentary tickets to ASHNIKKO! I’ve already seen her twice, and she’s absolutely one of my favourite live acts. I had so much fun!

Now for a lowkey weekend, starting with a couple of exhibitions… including an old college friend, who I last saw at the 2022 She Grrrowls festival at The Albany in Deptford! Tomorrow is also the Forest Hill Stanza open mic, so there’s not too much time to fit in much else!

Watching: Lee (film), Too Much, Girlfriends, Love is Blind

Reading: A Poem for Every Winter Day, Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, The Feminist Killjoy Handbook by Sara Ahmed, Fearless 3 by Francine Pascal, Sodom & Gomorrah by Marcel Proust (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah,

Music: Ashnikko, System of a Down, Ameila Moore

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #187

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Last weekend I went to the Lee Miller exhibition at the Tate Britain. From fashion to romance to the erotic, where I wondered how we might feel if our naked selfies were on display in an art gallery with loads of people scratching their chins at them. As well as travel photography and portraits of famous friends like Pablo Picasso, her work throughout the war was expansive. She celebrated women in work, captured the distruction of war, and explored the aftermath.

Especially poignant was a room where photography was not allowed, her images necessary to disparage Holocaust-deniers, but in this context, it evoked something I can’t quite put into words, but I welled up and wondered how the conveyor belt of people felt in that room. Then there was the iconic image of Lee Miller and another of David E. Scherman, a Jewish-American photographer, bathing in Hitler’s bathtub after the liberation of Dachau concentration camp.

The next day, I submitted a poem for a prize, entered the Latitude Trailer Park competition (though in hindsight I should have put more effort into the visuals…) and I just hope the concept is strong enough to be in with a chance! I really wanted to do something at Latitude for its 20th anniversary, but all I can do is try and I don’t want to volunteer there this year.

I also did some art-making inspired by the Lee Miller’e exhibition. Yes, I’m regressing to using condoms in my artwork like I did at college, but also so did Lee Miller and it’s hanging in the Tate Britain (c.1930). The text says ‘fuck the red light’ and ‘Do you really think it’s that easy to get rid of a wound?’ – a quote from Lee Miller’s short film ‘The blood of a poet’.

This week, other than my day job, I found out that the big project I’ve been applying for funding for countless times wasn’t successful, despite having had access support this time and reducing the budget to under £50,000. It is a lot of money but that’s because there are a lot of artists involved (over 100!) After a rush of emotions, I took immediate action and asked my access worker how soon we could re-apply.

Then I was about to do the washing up and it hit me, and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t go on, I couldn’t take one more thing. I’m processing the ending of a very complex relationship, I’m struggling with certain aspects of my day job, I’ve got low iron levels and a horribly itchy rash that I’m hoping is a reaction to a new hair mask and not another bedbugs infestation, I spotted some old mice droppings that I can’t even bare to think is evidence of a problem at my new place after five years dealing with it at my previous place.

Then a couple of days later I cried at work in front of colleagues for the first time, and my team were so lovely, offering emotional and practical support. I also found NHS tickets for Ashnikko and so now I’m feeling much better! I also went to Emo Night Brooklyn with some art therapy friends last night so that was a great release!

Watching: Girlfriends, Shrinking, Too Much, Ripple

Reading: A Poem for Every Winter Day, Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, The Feminist Killjoy Handbook by Sara Ahmed, Fearless 3 by Francine Pascal, Sodom & Gomorrah by Marcel Proust (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, The Telepathy Tapes, On Attachment

Music: Ashnikko, Brooklyn Emo Nights

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #186

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Last weekend I went to Mystic Burek for the first time, which was a nice indulgence. It was a busy weekend after a Friday birthday party, but relaxing to have a friend round and go to a local short film screening (ahead of the brilliant CPIFF, which is coming up!)

We popped into a queer pub after and this really made me want to go out dancing, but I had an early morning and an escape room booked with some colleagues. We also had a very reasonable hot pot from Hotto Potto. I tend to go for the BBQ so this was new for me, and good for the wintry weather!

I’m still doing online CPD on Sunday evenings while I prep for the week ahead, and this week I stepped up my running regime to 7km, and continued my usual routine of swimming, dancing, and sauna. I’m also aiming to go to Pilates tonight and weight training in the morning (for the first time this year…)

I also got to walk along the canal between jobs at work, so I was very grateful for the break in this rainy spell! Aside from this blog, I also wrote a new poem on my commute home, and I hope to carve more time for creativity this weekend.

Watching: Girlfriends, Envious, Emily in Paris, Ripple

Reading: A Poem for Every Winter Day, Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, The Feminist Killjoy Handbook by Sara Ahmed, Fearless 3 by Francine Pascal, Sodom & Gomorrah by Marcel Proust (audiobook)

Podcasts: Jillian on Love, What Now? with Trevor Noah, The Telepathy Tapes, On Attachment

Music: Poppy, Kneecap, Fat Dog, The Last Dinner Party, System of a Down, Honey Dijon, Billy Talent, The Plot in You, No Doubt

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #185

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We had a decent turn out last Sunday for the Forest Hill Stanza open mic. I also met someone who is a first year on the Art Psychotherapy MA, so it’s nice to have these connections. Otherwise, work is very much picking up, with a lot of outreach work as well as on the hospital wards!

I had a stressful start to the week due to being overtaxed and the cost of living as a single person being so much, with difficulties to do with technically being self-employed whilst my income is 99% PAYE now… so a lot of time spent calling up to cancel my TV licence now The Traitors is finished, Thames Water to get financial support, and HMRC (which I never got through to in time!). I also have been basically charged twice for my monthly season ticket due to an error, and it’s taking way too long to get my “automatic” refund.

I’m excited to have some paid work accepted for publication, though I’m not sure if it’s public news yet so I’ll hold onto it until it’s released! This weekend is due to be quite a busy one socially, so I’m unsure if I’ll be able to make time for much creativity, or even much rest! I’m looking forward to some fun plans, but also looking forward to a bit of a calmer weekend next week!

Watching: The Traitors, Emily in Paris, Envious, Girlfriends

Reading: A Poem for Every Winter Day, Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett, The Feminist Killjoy Handbook by Sara Ahmed, Fearless 3 by Francine Pascal, Sodom & Gomorrah by Marcel Proust (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, The Telepathy Tapes

Music: System of a Down, Queens of the Stoneage, Architects, Trivium, Scene Queen, South Arcade, Silent Planet, Bad Omens, Bloodywood, The Plot in You, Opeth, WARGASM, Poppy, The Blood Brothers

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #184

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After last Sunday’s update, I did some of the life writing, and made myself first clay polymer creations: ice cream earrings (£28) and necklace (£35).

I can make you ice cream (New Young Pony Club)

I’m trying to make more time for reading for pleasure on Sundays to give me a little rest-injection on a day that feels like there are a lot of chores, followed by an evening online CPD, where I’m also batch cooking.

finally got a chain for this flamenco dancer

This weekend I host my second Spanish conversation group and as a one-off we went by Leo’s pop-up cafe, which has opened at what used to be Mamma Dough’s. It was great to be in such a welcoming space, though as the space before was more suited to the group, but we will see how it goes as they haven’t been as welcoming… despite the fact I brought eight people who would not have otherwise been there to spend money!

I also reconnected with some of my Art Psychotherapy cohort at a birthday, and met a friend for a hot drink on Sunday before the rigmarole of the working week started up again.

Watching: The Traitors, Ted Lasso, I Love Dick, Sunny, Girlfriends

Reading: A Poem for Every Winter Day, Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett, The Feminist Killjoy Handbook by Sara Ahmed

Podcasts: Jillian on Love, What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Beyoncé, Cardi B, Emmy the Great, WARGASM, System of a Down

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #183

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Last weekend, I got really into Logic Pro again, trying to fit loops onto some vocals. It was a lot more challenging than putting the music to visuals, but I did get really into it and looking forward to going back to the track another time. At the moment, I’m feeling out which creative projects feel most fulfilling and those I can work towards practical goals. The main ones are the two poetry collections I’m working on, the one-woman show that I’m not sure will be a show but it’s the best way to describe it currently, and the dating memoir that I’m not sure will ever see the light of day but would also need to be anonymised!

There’s also general sorting out of documents, like adding new poems to my spreadsheet that I started but having been maintaining, and moving poems from notes to word. I’ve also been adding to my Shopify, putting my poem extracts onto different items like bags, badges and mugs. At the moment I’m paying £5 a month to have the shop, so it would be nice to get some sales too! I’ve also had it on my to-do list for literally six years to make a Udemy course, as suggested by a friend I met back then. I also want to make more visual art pieces using my poetry, as well as write more prose.

experimenting with sounds and hairstyles

I also have goals outside of this that include improving my Spanish, so yesterday I started the first of weekly Spanish conversation groups at a local pub and it was a big success with around eight of us at varying levels. The idea is to keep it weekly and any that I can’t attend, the space can still be there for others to meet. Although I do Duolingo and it would be nice to also dedicate some time to other forms of study, speaking and listening each week in this way is sure to help.

Watching: Malice, The Traitors, Girlfriends

Reading: Black Issues in the Therapeutic Process by Isha McKenzie-Mavinga, A Poem for Every Winter Day, Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett

Podcasts: Jillian on Love, What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Lily Allen, Hot Hot Heat, SZA, System of a Down, Damien Rice, BABYMETAL, Drowning Pool, Ho99o9, Blondshell

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #182

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I took some leave of my full-time job, but also had a couple of those days with the last of my tutoring work. I saw family and did Christmassy things, and managed to have a few days for myself too. I’ve been to a few exhibitions, which has been lovely. I saw Emily Kam Kngwarray at the Tate Modern, and Cecil Beaton’s Fashionable World, and the Taylor Wessing Photo Portrait Prize at The National Portrait Gallery.

I’m setting up a Spanish conversation club next Saturday at the Fox and Hounds pub in Sydenham 12-2pm, so I’m hoping to be able to practice speaking weekly with local people! I may cancel the odd session, but I want to get my priorities in place, and so this includes improving my Spanish, continuing creative projects on weekends, and otherwise maintaining some sort of balance.

As yesterday was a busy day, I’ve now not got much time after having a bit of unplanned shock, including crunching the numbers and finding out that I actually don’t have that much to live off once my outgoings are accounted for… time to cancel some subscriptions! So, I’m going to turn to Logic Pro again before dinner and have a play around with some sounds.

I have also gone back to edit (and add to!) my old “dating memoir”, which I would have to use a pseudonym for if it ever reaches the light of day, but it did get into a shortlist of sorts for a Spread the Word competition once! Watch this space…

Watching: Goodbye June, Dear Santa, The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox, Envious, Girlfriends, Sean Combs: The Reckoning, Traitors

Reading: Neverland: The Pleasures and Perils of Fandom by Vanessa Kisuule, The Trauma We Don’t Talk About by Ana Mael, The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett

Podcasts: Jillian on Love, What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Princess Nokia, Rüfüs Du Sol, Tommy Genesis, Lily Allen, Ashnikko

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #181

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So, aside from the 9-5, I had some time to look back on a couple of poetry pamphlet/collections I’ve been working on, one based around being hispanic, and another based around sexuality. The next day, I read over my spoken word show ‘It’s Always The Quiet Ones’, which has been in development for over a decade… but it also relates to my autism diagnosis, so I feel like this was kind of a puzzle piece I was waiting for. Lastly, I looked at my Shopify shop and added some new products! I’m excited to spend some more time on creative projects come the new year!

My accountant finished my tax return, and I think I’ll be due a rebate of £85, which is nice. Weirdly, I’m still getting some benefits due to my housing element, which I’m not going to say no to, but it’s wild to be on a truly good wage for the first time in my life and yet before this, after rent I literally had £200 of benefit money to live on, and now essentially the amount will be more than that. Make it make sense!

Today I caught up on a lot of sleep, and had a slow day, doing some chores, taking a short walk, writing Christmas cards after an evening of gift wrapping, and even saw Lateisha Davine Lovelace-Hanson in my doorway. I bought a copy of ‘the heart is a holding’ for myself and for a friend. I was moved to see my name in the acknowledgements as well, and feel so honoured.

Watching: Love is Blind USA, Girlfriends, Ripples

Reading: The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, The Autistic Burnout Workbook by Megan Anna Neff, A Poem for Every Winter Day by Allie Esiri, In Search of Lost Time / In Remembrance of Things Past Volume 3 by Marcel Proust (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Sleepy

Music: Princess Nokia, Sofia Isella, Ashnikko, System of a Down, Solange

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #180

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So, some of my tutoring work will carry on into the new year, but thankfully it’s the one I can walk to, and the one I take a fairly long bus to is ending today! In my full time role, I’m gradually increasing my caseload and starting to do more work independently. I love my team so much and feel so thankful, especially as my personal life has been so difficult, it’s also a great distraction to be spending five days a week there.

Yet, it’s important to remember that it is tough to keep going and to allow time for grief, to lean into it, to process, the heal in snatched moments each day. I process a lot through writing, so when it comes to me, I turn my pain into poetry.

I’m still unsure about my online presence, as I would prefer people I’m working with to respect my privacy, and it’s now pretty impossible to grow any audience with a private profile, and though someone did give me a follow request through comment engagement on others’ posts, that’s also something I’m wanting to minimise… and since cutting down my social media time to once a week, I’m finding myself staying up to the early hours when I do go online. So, finding the ideal time to curb it is difficult.

I don’t have much time after my commute to do much else other than exercise, eat, and sleep, so I’ve had some late nights trying to do a few bits and pieces – namely, I have a very important submission deadline. It also wasn’t helpful that I went to see Joseph Morpurgo’s Sleeping Sounds for Baby. It was a bit hit-and-miss for me, but I liked the concept, admired its creativity and ingenuity, and some parts were properly laugh-out-loud funny! I do need a day’s notice but that’s pretty spontaneous for me! And although autism means structure and routine are important to me, I do believe it’s important to break out of this sometimes, so I postponed my swim for Thursday.

I had post-work plans today, but they were cancelled. I made new ones, then they were cancelled. So, I took it as a message from the universe to stay in and maybe watch a film after some creative work as I have an early rise the next day anyway.

Watching: Girlfriends, Ted Lasso, Severance, The Amanda Knox Story, Ripples

Reading: The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, The Autistic Burnout Workbook by Megan Anna Neff, I cannot be good until you say it by Sanah Ahsan, In Search of Lost Time / In Remembrance of Things Past Volume 3 by Marcel Proust (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Doja Cat, Dua Lipa, Die Spitz, System of a Down, Mumford & Sons, Say Anything

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #179

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I worked tutoring last Saturday then went to Wayne Thiebaud’s American Still Life exhibition at Somerset House. It sparked an idea to use polymer clay to make some 3D versions of the painting, which I’m saving for the new year.

On the Sunday I ran the Forest Hill Stanza open mic, which was small, but lovely, and included people who came back from different times before. In my full time job, I had three days of RAID training, which was so good! It’s basically a way to reduce restrictive practice and was great to work alongside different colleagues outside of my team.

Yesterday was an exam day, so I didn’t have to work, and I’ve had a family-filled and art-filled weekend. I went down Havelock Walk for the open studios, and went back to the Museum of Dreams to show some of my family. Today I visited some of my younger cousins and got to play games and make puzzles with them, and left later than anticipated, but still didn’t feel like long enough.

Now it’s soon time to get ready for another week. It will be my first official week with a caseload and with my regular rotation of locations. Meanwhile, I’ve still been applying for creative opportunities and submitting poems for publication and so on. It’ll be another six-day week, but hopefully the last!

Watching: Severance, Girlfriends, Enviosa

Reading: The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, The Autistic Burnout Workbook by Megan Anna Neff, Neverland by Vanessa Kisuule, I cannot be good until you say it by Sanah Ahsan

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Delilah Bon

If you’d like to buy some books, please do! Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

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