The first week back at work has been tough, though mainly due to work being taken away that I had expected to be able to rely on, students choosing other tutors over me and trying not to take it personally, meeting at the job centre in the wake of this, which felt punitive rather than supportive, and miscommunication with an agency resulting in them stopping my onboarding process after having gone through a long interview process, unpaid safeguarding training, unpaid admin… all because my references didn’t respond in good time.
coming into the new year like
All I really want to do is study, and that’s what I’ve been doing this weekend mainly… aside from trying to get more income. Meanwhile, I’ve been overcoming challenges on placement and becoming more confident. Having started my one-to-one appointment, I’m now about to co-facilitate a group this week, so this brings up a whole new set of challenges. I’ve been reading a lot of Yalom. Though I am also conscious about the balance between the clinical work and the assignments I’m writing.
gratitude jar
Aside from this, I went to the pub quiz as a last hurrah, having set my intentions to really minimise social activities. I’ve been dealing with personal stresses reasonably well, artmaking, exercising, and even did some ukulele one evening. My friend also told me about this idea of a gratitude jar – each day writing something to be grateful for and then you read over them all at the end of the year (or 6 months as a boost). It’s such a lovely idea!
Watching: Traitors, Israelism: How Young American Jews’ Views of Israel Are Shifting, How Israel Won The West
Reading: Faces in the Water by Janet Frame, The Changing Shape of Art Therapy by Andrea Gilroy, and Introduction to Art Psychotherapy by Anthony Bateman, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy and Inpatient Group Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom, The Work of Whiteness by Helen Morgan, Dreams from my Father by Barack Obama (audiobook)
Since I last updated, I have had some proper time off, which was spent with friends and family. Although my alone-time was mainly spent studying, this really is my goal from now until June.
Before the break I finally submitted my Arts Council application for the fourth time. I really hope that it is successful because I have the kind of determination that just will not stop, especially having put in so much work to it at this point – it feels impossible to give up on and probability wise, how many times would I have to submit for it to eventually be accepted, or would there be a possibility that it may never be accepted? I should find out the outcome in March and should this be unsuccessful, I am unsure whether I could prioritise editing the application right in the middle of my assignments, which will all be due in May… however, I would have a chance to resubmit and not have to change any of the timeline which would make things a lot easier. I guess this is a time where all I can do is try to manifest.
On Christmas Eve, I was officially diagnosed as Autistic. During the festive period, I posted a video about how this felt as I found myself almost wanting to deny it, and thinking that they might have made a mistake, questioning the legitimacy of it, having gone through the right to choose and received the diagnosis from Psychiatry UK. It was very overwhelming news and certainly makes me see my professional life, as well as my personal life, in a new light. I think the fact that it is a medical diagnosis has been difficult to come to terms with, but as I said in my video, this doesn’t mean I am “wrong” but rather just different from the neurotypical norm. I received a lot of love and support from quite a few people after posting the video, so this was really appreciated.
I was with family travelling to different places across England for five days and once I returned, I went straight back to my university library. I dropped a couple of books off and picked up nine more! I felt very overwhelmed when I came back home, until I was able to tell myself to pick up a book and start reading, which I did for an hour. I did see somewhere that reading can be as beneficial as yoga in terms of the mental relaxation and so taking this action did calm me and allowed me to feel like even though I may not be able to read as much as I would like to that I will make progress if I do the work.
hand knitted scarf from my cousin!
I started writing one of my essays on the 30th December and this has dominated the time that I have dedicated to my studies, to the point where I’ve written way more than necessary, will still have more to add based on the next few months of my placement, and so will inevitably have to reduce the overall text quite brutally.
NYE
Tomorrow I will begin my individual client work, which feels really scary, but I’m hoping will feel easier with time. One of the issues that is worrying me that I didn’t have to deal with on my previous placement is that it has been deemed that going to the assessment with any kind of bullet points on paper with a pen is not appropriate for this client group. I may be able to bring something to the final assessment session because I have dyspraxia, which impacts my ability to hold a lot of information in my head, and so that is my biggest concern, as well as not having the space and time to get down the information that I need. I am also starting to feel sad about ending with the group that I’m in at the moment, but I think it is important that I have that experience of an ending at this time.
This week I also start back at work. I received some news that one of my clients wants to cancel as they want a different tutor, dissatisfied with the progress that child is making. It is really hard to not take these things personally and see it as a failure because I don’t quite see how another tutor would be better. I have also already planned the first six weeks of lessons and so that is potentially a waste of time and ink and paper… however it would mean not having to wake up so early on Saturday mornings.
Watching: Squid Games, Love on the Spectrum Australia, Traitors
Reading: Faces in the Water by Janet Frame, Letters Home by Jennifer Wong, The Changing Shape of Art Therapy by Andrea Gilroy, and Introduction to Art Psychotherapy by Anthony Bateman
Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Psychiatry & Psychotherapy Podcast, ADHD Chatter
As January nears, so does my fear of tuition fees. I had a dream where I won £100,000, only to be told by an angry man that I couldn’t use the money to pay for my tuition fees. I worked out that in reality, in order to fund my course so far, I used half my ISA savings (should I be able to afford to buy a home by the time I’m 40…) I am trying to focus on saving more so I don’t have to do that anymore, but even if I did need to pay my final £2158 in April through these savings, it’s enough to not need to stress so much: I am working, I am receiving Universal Credit, and I will get through these next five months!
Narnia
Last weekend aside from my latest attempt at the ACE application, I hosted a Christmas party – including Kahoot! quizzes and Werewolf – and had an enforced duvet day, which has helped me through the last week. It was my last week of placement before the break, and I also went to the arts centre that details about the site’s history, which also has a Narnia cupboard you could walk into. Although I wanted to focus on assignments on the Tuesday, I spent a full five hours hyper-fixated on completing the ACE application, ready to submit on Monday after a fresh look. I spent about three hours of the rest of the day studying.
little small but it’s the thought that counts 😅
I had some work cancelled on Thursday, so got on top of emails before (and after) my final two students. Yesterday was meant to be another day of assignments, but a portion (NEARLY 3 HOURS!) was taken up with dealing with a faulty cable sent by Apple just four months ago, who made it incredibly difficult to get a replacement and wouldn’t refund me to get a new one before I go away… anyway, I managed to study for three hours before sharing Mexican food (I made buñuelos) and making 8 maids a milking with some fellow trainees for a window display.
Watching: Grinch animation, Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special, Carolin Kebekus: The Last Christmas Special, The Simpsons, Monsters
Reading: The Changing Shape of Art Therapy by Andrea Gilroy, Introduction to Psychotherapy by Anthony Bateman, Faces in the Water by Janet Frame, The Body Remembers by Babette Rothschild
Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Longform with Theo Padnos, Sleepy
Music: Princess Nokia, Doechi, Black Unicorn playlist
Last week I had my appointment with Universal Credit and I ended up crying again. The system is so broken. It felt more like an interrogation than support and is a humiliating process that I wouldn’t have put myself through had someone previously made it clearer that there wouldn’t be an expectation for me to find a full-time job whilst I am committed to the students I am tutoring and providing alternative education for, with a mixture of PAYE and self-employment that makes up my business as a whole. I put so much work into creating my evidence, I practically had to beg them to look at it, and not all of it was looked at. Still, it is now on my record that despite seeing a regular work coach again, if I earn a combined total of £892 or more then I won’t have to attend weekly appointments. I expect this will be the case, but with the upcoming break, it’s likely I’ll have to go through a period of attending weekly appointments.
Cat-sitting Dave
My clinical placement is progressing, with plans in the pipeline to start with an open group and an individual in the new year. I haven’t had quite as much time for studying as I would have liked, having been roped into other tasks. However, I have finished a book and with a stack of texts still remaining from last year, I will need to prioritise and maybe even discard some that are no longer as relevant.
Christmas cracker season!
On the day where I would usually be at university, I finished off my Christmas ceramics and returned to the She Grrrowls Arts Council application for the fourth time. Inevitably, it’s taking longer than I expected and have been spending any time I can working on this. It would be amazing to finish it over the weekend, but it’s likely I’ll at least wait until nearer Christmas until I actually submit it. I don’t know what I’ll do if it is rejected again, but if feels like I get nearer each time and surely I shouldn’t have do it a fifth time to show my passion and dedication to the project, especially having to contend with losing my venue!
looking forward to lots more roasts!
I am looking forward to finishing it so I can get really stuck into my uni work. It’s so interesting as I’m having dreams about the clinical work for the first time on this placement, which probably goes to show how much head space it’s taking up! Sorry to my friends and family as I don’t expect I’ll be seeing much of anyone until I finish – all being well – in June 2025! I have a few students still across Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, going right to 20th December, but I’m trying as much as possible to dedicate as much time as possible to studying!
Watching: Intelligence, Girls 5eva, The Simpsons
Reading: Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker (audiobook), A Matter of Security: The Application of Attachment Theory to Forensic Psychotherapy by Friedemann Pfäfflin, Fearless 2 by Francine Pascal
Podcasts: Psychiatry & Psychotherapy
Music: Black Union playlist (in preparation for NYE!)
Last weekend was way too busy for me, and left me feeling incredibly lacking in rest and recuperation. I went to the Koestler Arts exhibition, which was very moving, especially now working in a forensic context now.
I was then confronted by my experience at a poetry event at Southwark Cathedral, where I saw a poet I used to know who has a known criminal history, which included victims within the poetry community. It left me questioning how rehabilitation is possible, but unfortunately it seems that the necessary steps within the community were not taken by this person, so now a decade or so on with no apologies and no remorse, chances that were offered were not taken, which makes this situation all the more challenging.
A dinner with friends was followed the next morning with another exhibition with my gran – Francis Bacon: Human Presence. I was particularly struck by the screaming images and cages. With my mind focussed on my placement, these paintings felt especially palpable and raw.
This week was intense, with some release as graduates came to mark the end of term at university of Tuesday. Today I’m spending over two hours travelling for one lesson! I’ve also spent way too much time trying to obtain a new DBS for working with children specifically because the one I hold is for both children and adults. Ridiculous, right?
Tomorrow I have another appointment at the job centre to attempt to be verified by them as “gainfully” self-employed. I’m armed with as much evidence as possible and all I can do is hope. Otherwise, I’ll have to give up and be stuck with a regular work coach and weekly appointments. Wish me luck! Praying I’ll win the lottery so I don’t have to deal with all this, but what are the odds?
Watching: The Simpsons, TOWIE, Futurama, Intelligence
Reading: Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker (audiobook), A Matter of Security: The Application of Attachment Theory to Forensic Psychotherapy by Friedemann Pfäfflin, Fearless 2 by Francine Pascal
Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, This Jungian Life, Sleepy
I’m on my way to tutor two students and I just want to curl up and cry. How can someone who is working for free in the NHS two days a week, paying to train at a university one day a week, and still working freelance, have to contend with such inadequate services when claiming Universal Credit? I am so stressed and demoralised by this process that doesn’t seem to understand that my self-employed work is a mixture of self-employed and PAYE income.
…it’s coming
This week has been largely positive. On clinical placement, I attended a full art therapy group and I’m getting used to the environment as time goes on. I’m realising more about my difficulties and learning to be more open about how I am experiencing things, as well as communicating my needs. I have told the people at the job centre that I cannot be put through the ordeal of another appointment whereby I need to provide documentation again only to potentially be told that I am not “gainfully” self-employed again after over seven years of surviving on my income, this being only the second time I’m claiming and previously my claim was only open one or two months from my memory. All I need is a few months of support and the way I’m being treated is so demeaning and depersonalised.
Nice non-alcoholic beer from Beavertown
Work on Thursdays feels long and intense, even with a cancellation yesterday. Fridays fly by but end late, and it’s dark and depressing. I’m looking forward to not having this ridiculous 45-minute bus journey for a one-hour lesson, followed by a half an hour walk between students because it’s the most efficient way… but we move. I’m trying to remain positive, exercising regularly and keeping to a routine more or less, doing art-making and studying academic texts for my course. Saying no to socialising with course-mates when it feels like too much.
I have a lot of plans this weekend, also connected to my training and potential work project, and last weekend I just had the one plan, where I saw the revamped Battersea Power Station for the first time, so I’m unsure what it’s going to feel like this weekend when I really just want to curl up with my textbooks all weekend. The week feels like it was bookended with shit quite frankly, with a filling of emotional turmoil, also still having an ongoing battle with Yodel for managing to deliver two different packages to the wrong address, which was a Christmas present. I will never shop at eBay again as they have been awful to get a refund from.
Watching: The Simpsons, TOWIE, Big Boys
Reading: Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker (audiobook), A Matter of Security: The Application of Attachment Theory to Forensic Psychotherapy by Friedemann Pfäfflin, Fearless 2 by Francine Pascal
Podcasts: This Jungian Life, What Now? with Trevor Noah
I write this on my way to a student on a bus where someone just checked the driver was going to the shown destination, which I’d just asked when getting on. It’s a journey that takes me 45 minutes each way, so for a one-hour lesson, I’m looking forward to ending. Usually I also then have to walk half an hour to another student, but it’s half-way home, so I hope I can continue in the new year with this student so it’ll be a short walk away.
Jimmy Eat World
Last weekend I saw Jimmy Eat World and PUP, which was so much fun! The next day I saw my friend off, who is leaving the country with her partner tomorrow! I then spent the whole of Sunday working and studying. Even if I hadn’t had such a social Saturday, it’s what I imagined I would do anyway, though I hope to fit in a duvet day before the end of the year!
Jimmy Eat World were on the playlist this night!
Otherwise, it has been a typically routined week, with my clinical placement on Mondays and Wednesdays, university of Tuesdays (where I’m enjoying the ceramics sheds, including my first time glazing), and a full day of back-to-back lessons on Thursdays. Friday is my least hectic day, and I want to keep it that way. I still have lessons, but it also means I can start the day with yoga, get some chores done, and I’m also due to have some study support sessions in future. The tutor becomes the tutee. However, today time was filled by a Zoom call with a potential event partner for the She Grrrowls project I’m working on, pending funding, from June next year.
early mornings reminding me of Word Art
Watching: The Simpsons, Big Boys, TOWIE, Interior Chinatown
Reading: Community as Doctor by Robert Rapoport, Sexy but Psycho by Dr Jessica Taylor, In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust (audiobook), The Woman in Me by Britney Spears (audiobook), Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker (audiobook), A Matter of Security: The Application of Attachment Theory to Forensic Psychotherapy by Friedemann Pfäfflin
Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, This Jungian Life
Music: Jimmy Eat World, PUP, Weezer, AURORA, Britney Spears, Regina Spektor
Last weekend, I had nothing scheduled beyond my 9am Saturday lesson and the gym. I intended to study as much as possible, putting in a total of about five hours, which doesn’t feel good enough. I did also finish writing my latest piece for The Norwich Radical and have been scheduling in some time for admin so I can gradually work through my to-list yet still prioritise reading for my course.
baths with Jack O’Lantern
Aside from this, I ended up doing some local cat-sitting, but was horrified to find out on my way to the evening feed that at the exact time I was doing the first visit, a man died in a shooting just five minutes’ walk away. I’d come back from a Turkish shop in Catford when a friend sent me a report that said the bus I was on wasn’t calling at the stop, so walked past the police tape.
God-cat
I attended my placement solo on the Monday. I was warned I could feel shitty and for several reasons, that day had come. So, I saw my parents for dinner and went to see Paddington in Peru, which was exactly what I needed. It had me laughing out loud, but also moved me to tears, relating to elements of its story of belonging to the UK and elsewhere, more so I imagine chiming with my dad, who if gig tickets for as his birthday present.
Devilcat?
On Tuesday, I had therapy and a visit to the ceramics shed, and it was my turn to present during supervision. Aside from some reading, I did some edits to the article and went to the gym. I had also been able to access the National Theatre ‘Death to England’ series, so finished with the televised version. I didn’t have my placement the next day, but after reading in a cafe with a friend, I had remote clinical supervision. I did some reflective art-making and notes. I had moved some of my tuition work, so I had a student then began my swimming routine.
stupidly walking through a dark park
Thursdays are now intense work-wise, but I still have time for a morning gym session, before back-to back tutoring from 11am until around 6pm. After yoga this morning, I’ve done a mixture of lesson planning, admin (grant application!), and studying. I finished a whole book and an academic paper, so I’m feeling primed to see Jimmy Eat World with PUP supporting solo tonight!
Watching: The Simpsons, TOWIE, Exploding Kittens, National Theatre Live (Death to England)
Reading: Community as Doctor by Robert Rapoport, Sexy but Psycho by Dr Jessica Taylor, In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust (audiobook), The Woman in Me by Britney Spears (audiobook), Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker
Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Courageous Arts: A Deeper Dive
Last weekend I was taken out for dinner at Persepolis and we watched The Substance. Spoiler alert! Whilst I really enjoyed the humour and camera work, and was fascinated to find out that it was filmed with hidden cameras within the apartment, there was really too much gore for me, and I was irked by the fact that the younger woman Demi Moore’s character birthed from her back did not share a consciousness with her. What’s more, it’s hardly revolutionary to feature a slim, white woman who, at the age of 61, looks like Moore.
I was pleased to spend Saturday at home, albeit doing chores and admin. On Sunday, I celebrated my dad’s birthday with a trip to Nando’s, a walk and some games. Work-wise, my Thursdays are now pretty full on, seeing four students as of next week, having seen three this week. Today, I am back at seeing a couple more, and another early tomorrow, post-half term break.
Placement has seen me going in on Mondays alone to attend the ward round, finding my voice in absence of my supervisor, and then spending Wednesdays reading for the most part. This week I also read in Canvas & Cream with a friend who is signed off sick due to burnout (working within the VAWG sector).
Black Cherry Tea
On Tuesday I was at university, but went in later due to an appointment with the disability services, meaning I am closer to accessing study support, which I hope will help my writing more “coherent”. After some time in the library, reflecting on supervision and reading, we began a new term of the Thinking Space, this time facilitated. It felt like we achieved more of a plan in this one session compared with the whole of the last academic year.
GRLwood
At the moment, I’m finding there’s very little I want to do, and was feeling moody about having booked to see GRLwood. There’ll be more on that later via The Norwich Radical, who I’m writing a review for in the first time in a long while. I dread to think how long. Still, aside from a few social commitments that I feel is going to see me through to the end of the year, all I want to do is read and go to my clinical placement and attend university. I tried to prioritise some of the reading, but there’s just so much I want to read.
Watching: Exploding Kittens, The Simpsons, TOWIE, Made in Chelsea
Reading: Community as Doctor by Robert Rapoport, Sexy But Psycho by Dr Jessica Taylor, Art Therapy, Race and Culture by Jean Campbell, The Year of the Butterfly by Abigail Mitchell
Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Courageous Arts: A Deeper Dive, Let’s Talk Forensic Psychology, The Louis Theroux Podcast
Last weekend, I spent a lot of time doing emails and admin, as well as seeing a few friends. I went for a meal at Silk Road for my friend’s 30th, which had hand-stretched noodles and a mix of flavours from the Xinjiang region of China, which was really interesting.
I went to Leo’s in Sydenham for the first time as poet friend Lateisha Davine Lovelace-Hanson was performing there. Including vegan food, with poetry and music, and the flow of intense through the room, it was a really special night. I got to see Viola’s Room again the next morning without interruption and was back in Forest Hill for the Stanza open mic that afternoon.
Lateisha Davine-Lovelace Hanson
This week was the first of two days of placement and my first group. It was very eventful and seems to be a turbulent time at the moment. It’s clear that a lot of processing is needed and I’m maintaining a fairly regular response art-making practice, which I’m pleased about. I’ve also managed to spend more time in the ceramics shed at university, so I’m glad to be making up for lost time after two years of not being able to fit it in my schedule.
Yesterday I had some safeguarding training online, then gave blood. After a bit of a poor choice cafe-wise, I got cosy with some university books in Upper Norwood Library, a lovely library, where I’ve also previously performed poetry. I then met a friend after who is sadly leaving the country, so possibly the last time we share a meal together for a long time.
Today, I’ve had one student and returned home to deal with the news that Catford Mews, the venue for She Grrrowls, has closed. I had known there were financial issues, but it is such as shame that Lewisham Council had to close it, and so suddenly. As I don’t have the capacity right now to find a new venue, I’ve decided to cancel all events for the foreseeable. I will work on another ACE application for when I finish my studies next June and try to secure a new venue for September 2025, where I hope to be able to do regular events that then lead up to a launch event. Meanwhile, I’ll be focussing on my course, and trying to save around £3000 towards my tuition fees.
Dem in Crystal Palace
Watching: The Simpsons, Made in Chelsea, TOWIE
Reading: Art Therapy for Psychosis by Katherine Killick, Community as Doctor by R. Rapoport, Art Therapy, Race and Culture by Jean Campbell, and Introduction to Psychotherapy by Anthony Bateman
Podcasts: Let’s Talk About Forensic Psychology, What Now? with Trevor Noah
Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer. 