Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer.

Freelance Reflections #182

I took some leave of my full-time job, but also had a couple of those days with the last of my tutoring work. I saw family and did Christmassy things, and managed to have a few days for myself too. I’ve been to a few exhibitions, which has been lovely. I saw Emily Kam Kngwarray at the Tate Modern, and Cecil Beaton’s Fashionable World, and the Taylor Wessing Photo Portrait Prize at The National Portrait Gallery.

I’m setting up a Spanish conversation club next Saturday at the Fox and Hounds pub in Sydenham 12-2pm, so I’m hoping to be able to practice speaking weekly with local people! I may cancel the odd session, but I want to get my priorities in place, and so this includes improving my Spanish, continuing creative projects on weekends, and otherwise maintaining some sort of balance.

As yesterday was a busy day, I’ve now not got much time after having a bit of unplanned shock, including crunching the numbers and finding out that I actually don’t have that much to live off once my outgoings are accounted for… time to cancel some subscriptions! So, I’m going to turn to Logic Pro again before dinner and have a play around with some sounds.

I have also gone back to edit (and add to!) my old “dating memoir”, which I would have to use a pseudonym for if it ever reaches the light of day, but it did get into a shortlist of sorts for a Spread the Word competition once! Watch this space…

Watching: Goodbye June, Dear Santa, The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox, Envious, Girlfriends, Sean Combs: The Reckoning, Traitors

Reading: Neverland: The Pleasures and Perils of Fandom by Vanessa Kisuule, The Trauma We Don’t Talk About by Ana Mael, The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett

Podcasts: Jillian on Love, What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Princess Nokia, Rüfüs Du Sol, Tommy Genesis, Lily Allen, Ashnikko

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #181

News

So, aside from the 9-5, I had some time to look back on a couple of poetry pamphlet/collections I’ve been working on, one based around being hispanic, and another based around sexuality. The next day, I read over my spoken word show ‘It’s Always The Quiet Ones’, which has been in development for over a decade… but it also relates to my autism diagnosis, so I feel like this was kind of a puzzle piece I was waiting for. Lastly, I looked at my Shopify shop and added some new products! I’m excited to spend some more time on creative projects come the new year!

My accountant finished my tax return, and I think I’ll be due a rebate of £85, which is nice. Weirdly, I’m still getting some benefits due to my housing element, which I’m not going to say no to, but it’s wild to be on a truly good wage for the first time in my life and yet before this, after rent I literally had £200 of benefit money to live on, and now essentially the amount will be more than that. Make it make sense!

Today I caught up on a lot of sleep, and had a slow day, doing some chores, taking a short walk, writing Christmas cards after an evening of gift wrapping, and even saw Lateisha Davine Lovelace-Hanson in my doorway. I bought a copy of ‘the heart is a holding’ for myself and for a friend. I was moved to see my name in the acknowledgements as well, and feel so honoured.

Watching: Love is Blind USA, Girlfriends, Ripples

Reading: The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, The Autistic Burnout Workbook by Megan Anna Neff, A Poem for Every Winter Day by Allie Esiri, In Search of Lost Time / In Remembrance of Things Past Volume 3 by Marcel Proust (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Sleepy

Music: Princess Nokia, Sofia Isella, Ashnikko, System of a Down, Solange

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #180

News

So, some of my tutoring work will carry on into the new year, but thankfully it’s the one I can walk to, and the one I take a fairly long bus to is ending today! In my full time role, I’m gradually increasing my caseload and starting to do more work independently. I love my team so much and feel so thankful, especially as my personal life has been so difficult, it’s also a great distraction to be spending five days a week there.

Yet, it’s important to remember that it is tough to keep going and to allow time for grief, to lean into it, to process, the heal in snatched moments each day. I process a lot through writing, so when it comes to me, I turn my pain into poetry.

I’m still unsure about my online presence, as I would prefer people I’m working with to respect my privacy, and it’s now pretty impossible to grow any audience with a private profile, and though someone did give me a follow request through comment engagement on others’ posts, that’s also something I’m wanting to minimise… and since cutting down my social media time to once a week, I’m finding myself staying up to the early hours when I do go online. So, finding the ideal time to curb it is difficult.

I don’t have much time after my commute to do much else other than exercise, eat, and sleep, so I’ve had some late nights trying to do a few bits and pieces – namely, I have a very important submission deadline. It also wasn’t helpful that I went to see Joseph Morpurgo’s Sleeping Sounds for Baby. It was a bit hit-and-miss for me, but I liked the concept, admired its creativity and ingenuity, and some parts were properly laugh-out-loud funny! I do need a day’s notice but that’s pretty spontaneous for me! And although autism means structure and routine are important to me, I do believe it’s important to break out of this sometimes, so I postponed my swim for Thursday.

I had post-work plans today, but they were cancelled. I made new ones, then they were cancelled. So, I took it as a message from the universe to stay in and maybe watch a film after some creative work as I have an early rise the next day anyway.

Watching: Girlfriends, Ted Lasso, Severance, The Amanda Knox Story, Ripples

Reading: The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, The Autistic Burnout Workbook by Megan Anna Neff, I cannot be good until you say it by Sanah Ahsan, In Search of Lost Time / In Remembrance of Things Past Volume 3 by Marcel Proust (audiobook)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Doja Cat, Dua Lipa, Die Spitz, System of a Down, Mumford & Sons, Say Anything

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #179

News

I worked tutoring last Saturday then went to Wayne Thiebaud’s American Still Life exhibition at Somerset House. It sparked an idea to use polymer clay to make some 3D versions of the painting, which I’m saving for the new year.

On the Sunday I ran the Forest Hill Stanza open mic, which was small, but lovely, and included people who came back from different times before. In my full time job, I had three days of RAID training, which was so good! It’s basically a way to reduce restrictive practice and was great to work alongside different colleagues outside of my team.

Yesterday was an exam day, so I didn’t have to work, and I’ve had a family-filled and art-filled weekend. I went down Havelock Walk for the open studios, and went back to the Museum of Dreams to show some of my family. Today I visited some of my younger cousins and got to play games and make puzzles with them, and left later than anticipated, but still didn’t feel like long enough.

Now it’s soon time to get ready for another week. It will be my first official week with a caseload and with my regular rotation of locations. Meanwhile, I’ve still been applying for creative opportunities and submitting poems for publication and so on. It’ll be another six-day week, but hopefully the last!

Watching: Severance, Girlfriends, Enviosa

Reading: The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, The Autistic Burnout Workbook by Megan Anna Neff, Neverland by Vanessa Kisuule, I cannot be good until you say it by Sanah Ahsan

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah

Music: Delilah Bon

If you’d like to buy some books, please do! Follow me on instagram: @carminamasoliver

Freelance Reflections #178

News

After a stressful time last week with looming bills I wasn’t sure I could afford, I’ve suddenly now got some financial stability as I transition out of freelance life and into full-time employment. This was followed by strange guilt-ridden spending on myself and others (with Christmas coming).

I’m realising what I need now is to focus on myself and my creative goals and artmaking. I think I’ve been worried about my age and not having time to delay, thinking I could plan my healing journey. However, it’s not something that can be rushed and so what is best is tuning into what I want and what fulfills me, and that is time alone and time for creativity, rather than meeting anyone new anytime soon (or even anyone old… since I’m still being contacted by men I’ve not even met from over five years ago).

I’ve been longlisted for a couple of things I can’t mention, and I was recently had a paid publication in Candlestick Press’ Ten Poems About Mothers. It’s beautiful and I am absolutely honoured to be published alongside the other poets, including Jackie Kay, who I studied at university during my undergraduate degree in English Literature!Other poems are by Laurie Bolger, Maura Dooley, Jonathan Edwards, Joanna Ingham, Jackie Kay, DH Lawrence, Roy McFarlane, Caleb Parkin and John Siddique. Tomorrow is also the next open mic at Forest Hill Library 2-4pm, so come along if you’re local!

Watching: Severance, Girlfriends, Envious

Reading: This is Yesterday by Rose Ruane, Black Issues in the Therapeutic Process by Isha McKenzie-Mavinga, Neverland by Vanessa Kisuule, The Trauma We Don’t Talk About by Ana Mael, I cannot be good until you say it by Sanah Ahsan, Remembering Things Past Volume 3 by Marcel Proust (audiobook recap)

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Sleepy

Music: Blondshell, Hayley Williams, Queens of the Stoneage, WARGASM, Hannah Grae, Chloe Lilac, Jamie T, Bob Vylan

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #177

News

The last couple of weeks I have been focussed on the induction to my full-time job, and getting into a new routine, which involves waking up at 6am and trying to squeeze what I see as bare minimum activities into my evenings and mostly failing to be in bed by 10pm.

In case you’re interested, my after work routine involves having some form of exercise, making and eating dinner, a short meditation, preparing for the next day, watching something with chocolate and milk, and reading. The exercise includes running 5km, swimming for 50 minutes, a dance class to Soca music, yoga, weights, and a home workout. Plus, a weekly sauna and cold plunge, which I did for the first time in 1 degree weather last night, which was… let’s say, invigorating, to say the least!

In addition to this, I still have some tuition work, but not for too much longer! I also managed to submit a new project grant application for ACE funding with my access workers. I should find out early next year, in which case I will be working on Saturday again, but either way I would be doing some form of creative work on Saturdays, so I really hope I finally get the funding, so I can bring this project to fruition finally!

I had a major stress this week because my Universal Credit payment wasn’t going to come through after an unnecessary appointment was booked to verify self-employment all because it was triggered when I was reporting my new job, but also trying to be honest by saying I was still doing self-employed work as well. I can’t wait to end the claim, but for some reason I still have an appointment in December even though it’s post pay-day in my new job. I’ll see if I can just end the claim on the call, because thankfully I won’t be needing it anymore… and I really hope I don’t have to go back to living on £200 a month after rent. I wrote a poem about it and then after my persistence in getting someone to speak to me on Friday, I had some funds come through.

Aside from work stuff and documenting various think-pieces as I go through my breakup, I also had a flat-warming with friends and had my appointment at the Spanish consulate to submit my documents for Spanish Nationality. I asked if my dad could accompany me as I’m autistic and they agreed, which made a massive difference to my anxiety. It was a success, so aside from some panic about him changing his name so it matches with his Spanish passport, and a few handwritten amendments, it was all good. That evening, maxed out into my overdrafts, I stubbornly (and some might say foolishly), spent my last £10 on a tarta de Santiago from Maria’s Tortilla in Dulwich.

Today went so quickly, and I can’t believe how cold, rainy and dark it is. However, I am looking forward to spending the rest of the weekend doing artmaking and returning to my poetry pamphlets. I’ve tried to find some time over the next month or so to do an hour of each of the 10 different categories of creative projects I want to do for myself, and I’m hoping that the exploration will give me some direction for the new year.

Watching: Madre Solo hay Dos, Leaving Neverland, Severance, Girlfriends, Platonic

Reading: Neverland: The Pleasures and Perils of Fandom by Vanessa Kisuule, This is Yesterday by Rose Ruane, Black Issues in the Therapeutic Process by Isha McKenzie-Mavinga

Podcasts: What Now? with Trevor Noah, Miss Me, Teal Swam

Music: Florence + The Machine, System of a Down, Routine Caffeine, The Last Dinner Party, Chappell Roan, Blondshell, Princess Nokia

If you’d like to buy some books, please do!

Freelance Reflections #176

News

In preparation for going into my new role at the NHS as a Specialist Practitioner / Art Therapist, I attended The Art Therapy Co-op’s Unconference, organised in part by my old university supervisor. I got to see my old classmates, make art and think together, including an Art Therapy Large Group on Palestine. I spoke twice the whole day, which felt like an achievement.

I continued making art and doing more CPD the next day, as I’ve signed up for a year of weekly three-hour online seminars more broadly around psychotherapy. It will also be during my meal prep time going forward, so I’m not going to be too hard on myself for not doing all the reading and not getting overly involved. Perhaps the day before spurred me on to speak this time, though it felt like it feel flat.

On my last days of “freedom”, I tried to get better at sleeping earlier and instead just slept less, but I made the 8am Monday sauna. I did a combination of emotional work, admin, and organising before my gas was finally fixed and switched back on, so I at least managed to finally have a bath, even if it was later than expected!

I spent the first couple of days in my new role doing online training, before going into the second site that I’d not been to before. There are six wards in that one alone, so it feels overwhelming, as there may be double that including the other ward. I came in to pick up the trust laptop, but still couldn’t access it for the training from home… it then turned out it was for nurses, so that felt like a bit of a waste of time! It was great to go in and meet some of the team properly though.

I’ll be working in Isleworth two days a week, and having spent a lot of my early 20s there due to my first love being there, so it felt very strange to be back there. Also working in Hammersmith, where my gran lived and worked (also a psychotherapist) feels very poignant. It’s like I am being forced to revisit my past and find some kind of meaning from that.

My friend also found my doppelgänger and I was fully convinced it was an AI version of me! She’s even a life coach and writer, so working in a similar field: Beatriz Victoria Albina. I actually think I could do with giving her book a read!

In the middle of a busy weekend, having just finished work, I’m thankful I’ve at least done some meal prep for the week ahead – my first work of full time work! Even my work in education technically hasn’t been full time (and I happen to think full time work is too much and am all for a 3-day weekend!) Wish me luck!

Watching: The Celebrity Traitors, Platonic, No Number: The High School Catfish

Reading: This Is Yesterday by Rose Ruane, Black Issues in the Therapeutic Process by Isha McKenzie-Mavinga

Podcasts: Conceitednobodi, The Angie Martinez Show, You Feel Me?, The Daily Show, Hip Hop Raised Me, Best Advice: The Podcast (all about Princess Nokia)

Music: Sophie Castillo, Saya Gray, Lilly Allen, PRINCESS NOKIA!

Freelance Reflections #175

News

So, I left off last time with my anterior uveitis diagnosis, and to add insult to injury, my left wrist/hand is playing up, as is my groin/hip area, so I’m hoping a trip to the GP can sort me out with some blood tests to see if this is related or not. Meanwhile I’m trying to do some physio exercises.

I also smelt gas in my communal area on Monday, and decided to call the national gas emergency line, who came within an hour and confirmed (to their surprise) that there was in fact a leak… which has turned into multiple leaks and lots of digging up in the street. I’ve had no gas since then, and was only delivered some fan heaters and a hot plate after I asked for some on Wednesday night. Thankfully, I have an electric oven and shower, though I am contemplating running the shower into the bath… but probably not as it would be too expensive!

I only have a couple of students now, and as my induction is around 3 weeks, it won’t be too bad working a few hours on a Saturday as well, if I can get some time off in December. Meanwhile, I’ve made some time to write some poems that aren’t about my breakup (since 90% of my poetry at the Forest Hill Stanza open mic is about my breakup), and I finally did some artmaking in response to exhibitions I’d been to over the summer, including this self-portrait influenced by Yoshimoto Nara.

I’m hoping to get on top of emails and make more time for creative projects and reading ahead of starting my new job! Meanwhile, I am currently awaiting an invoice that I urgently need in order to pay my rent and survive until my first payday, whenever that actually is! So much is unknown, but I’m glad to be eased into it!

Sign up to to my mailing list to keep updated here as I contemplate closing this blog series: https://beacons.ai/carminamasoliver

Watching: Girlfriends, Platonic, The Celebrity Traitors

Reading: This is Yesterday by Rose Ruane

Music: Princess Nokia, Ashnikko, Florence + The Machine

Podcasts: It Begins with You – Jillian Turecki, What Now? with Trevor Noah

Freelance Reflections #174

News

Although I am somewhat rejuvenated from a holiday in Tenerife, I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself having been unwell just before going away and on my return, taking a trip to A&E to be diagnosed with anterior uveitis in my left eye. Apparently this was not from getting splashed in the eye a lot wearing contact lenses at the waterpark but could be just because my immune system was rundown. In fact, my mum reminded me I had complained of some irritation but I didn’t realise until I had what felt like a really strange headache, followed by bloodshot eye, and then today woke up with extreme sensitivity to the light and a watering eye.

I will need to wear my glasses as much as possible and potentially avoid certain activities that may aggravate it. It has resulted in a slight loss of work today but they seem to think that it was good news that it wasn’t an ulcer as I did previously have an ulcer and that resulted in a scarring of the cornea. The vision in the left eye has been impacted and I’m feeling a bit nauseated from the eyedrop medication aside from certain chores and listening to podcast some music. I’ve become really aware of how much I use my eyes and so I do really need to be more careful and after this make sure I’m taking daily eyedrops that I was told to take for eye dryness.

As I mentioned previously, I’m going to be starting full-time work soon but this doesn’t mean the end of freelance work. I’ll be tutoring on Saturdays until January and obviously doing a lot of unpaid creative work whether that’s working towards my own personal projects or running the Forest Hill stanza or potentially During stuff with She Grrrowls. However, I envisage myself ending these posts and as I said before perhaps integrating some of my recommendations in my mailing list which I tried to send out once a month with a poem a little update and Wood be worth including some of the books I’ve been reading and so on I subscribe to Jasmine Cooray‘s poem list and to Paula Varjack‘s mailing list so with mine, I’m including a kind of more condensed list of things like Paula Varjack and kind of building onto the poem mail out that Jasmine Cooray does.

I was looking forward to having a couple of weeks now to do some art making get on top of emails. Do some submissions do a bit of crafting with old greeting cards and a bracelet making kit, as well as do my homework for the Princess Nokia gig as those who are close to me will know that I intensely listen to any artist that I book tickets to see on the lead up to seeing them. I’m meanwhile looking forward to getting my induction timetable and getting started on the 5th of November!

Watching: Shrinking, Girlfriends, The Bear

Reading: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Hannah Green, All Fours by Miranda July, Heartburn by Nora Ephron, Sexy but Psycho by Dr Jessica Taylor, and This is Yesterday by Rose Ruane

Podcasts: Jillian on Love, On Attachment

Music: Princess Nokia

Freelance Reflections #173

News

Having not update this since the end of March, I am thinking of stopping this series of blog posts altogether. I’m not sure anyone is actually reading them!

A lot has changed since March: my relationship of nearly five years is ending, I moved out of our shared flat two months ago, and I found a full-time job, which is due to start in November.

I had hoped to spend the summer re-priroitsing quality time with this partner, spending more time with friends and family, and focussed on creative projects.

As you can imagine, the changes that have happened have taken over my life both logistically and emotionally. Meanwhile, I have been doing tutoring work and applying for jobs and landed one in the NHS in a team specialising in work with Autistic adults, which will be a long commute away, but an extremely valuable experience.

I graduated from my MA in Art Psychotherapy and registered from the HCPC. I have been attending lots of exhibitions and CPD, including one at the London Art Therapy Centre, which I visited during my very first year of training. It was about loss and letting go, through working with clay, and it was incredible!

After a break away, I’ll be preparing to work six days a week, as I move my tuition work to Saturdays, which I’m committed to until January. It’s going to be a tough few months! I’m also signing up to a charity comedy programme, but they want everyone to sell 10 tickets, and as I’ll be doing an evening CPD, I’m not sure if spending my Sunday afternoons training in comedy may be the best idea…

So, if you’re reading these, please do comment! Or else I might move my little end notes to my mailing list. Sign up to keep updated here.

Watching: The Summer I Turned Pretty, Shrinking, Girlfriends, The Bear

Reading: The Heart is a Lonely Hunter – Carson McCullers, Am I Having Fun Now? Anxiety, Applause and Life’s Big Questions – Suzi Ruffeli, Yellowface – R.F.Kuang, Surfacing – Margaret Atwood, Thus Bad Begins – Javier Marias, Letters Home – Jennifer Wong, The State of Affairs – Esther Perel (audiobook),

Avoidance, Drugs, Heartbreak and Dogs – Jordan Stephens (audiobook),

Music: The Wytches, Leon Bridges, CMAT, Prima Queen, Gorillaz, The Maccabees, The Cribs, Bombay Bicycle Club, Divorce, Bring me To The Horizon, Noah and the Whale, Laura Marling, Blondshell, Adele, Bon Iver, HAIM, Tame Impala, Ashnikko, Destra, Machel Montano, Christina Aguilera, Regina Specktor, Princess Nokia

Podcasts: It Begins with You – Jillian Turecki, Begin Again – Davina McCall, The Divorce Podcast

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