Things are very up and down at the moment. I’ve noticed the contradictory need to be creatively fulfilled and the pull away from this in attempt to find financial stability. How can I create balance? Knowing and doing are two different things.
After angry achy art-making listening to GRLwood to process my assignment marks and feedback last Saturday, and a lack of sleep caused by anxiety, I managed to let off some steam at Decolonise Fest at Signature Brewery in Haggerston. We saw Restless Taxis, Shoefig, Lip Stain, and Dead Air, taking a break for some fantastic Venezuelan food nearby.
One of the week’s highlights was a short burst of writing time with Lateisha Davine-Lovelace Hanson at a local cafe. However, after signing on for Universal Credit, I felt compelled to prove my worth and began an excessive email excavation alongside applying for new agencies and funding opportunities.
I don’t want to spend this time jumping through hoops to simply be signed up to another agency. I want to agencies to come through with the work, whilst I can actually use the time to create, to build other ways of making an income, to allow myself some time to breathe before the time comes that I don’t have this breathing space.
But I can’t seem to stop. There is always seems to be something more pressing to do, yet I know I need to create in order to survive this year. It’s not merely a fear, but a reality. Many of the intentions I set at the start of the year have fallen through, and so the start of the academic year comes with a sense of renewal.
My partner and I have started listening to music at dinner rather than automatically turn to the screen as a substitute kind of bonding. This is going well so far, and we hope to build on this once our days become more structured, with time for creativity – whether playing the ukulele together or doing some art-making. I’m hoping that by switching off emails after 8pm, I’ll have the headspace to do this and then read for university – I’ll also have two days of 3 hour commutes I hope I can read during too. Looking at my prospective timetable, I am wondering when exactly I’ll be able to schedule emails, perhaps why I’m determined to get on top of them – but I have so many account and struggling with the switch from hotmail to gmail, just meaning I have an extra inbox!
Aside from the overwhelm, there have been ups too. I’ve managed to get back to the gym, starting to implement a good routine of running, separate upper and lower body workouts, yoga, dance and swimming. I also got to see Ruby Wax’s latest show for free, which was very moving and funny. We also treated ourselves to very decadent desserts on the way home.
Watching: KAOS, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, The Simpsons, Unstable, Emily in Paris
Reading: Suffering Insanity by R.D. Hinshelwood, The Complete Short Stories by Saki
Podcasts: Creative Codex
Music: Say Anything, Regina Spektor, GRLwood
Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!
Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer. 