I worked out that I have spent at least 25 hours on my latest ACE application, re-writing it completely as the structure changed since the last one was rejected. I submitted it last night and felt sick with dread, and didn’t feel the relief I had hoped I would feel. I have to wait at least twelve weeks for the outcome and at this point I’ve put so much work into it that I feel I would have to try again, despite how gruelling the process is and how much I might feel compelled to give up.
My feelings were also impacted by a realisation that perhaps there are past performers I shouldn’t get in contact with, that sadly had bad experiences when they featured, which I have to come to terms with as not being able to rectify. How do I validate their experiences and learn from them? How do I also not slip into a negative spiral and see things as they are, without also discounting the positives? I have managed to re-engage and reconnect with some past performers, but this won’t be the case for everyone.
I submitted my 8000-word essay draft this week, and as things are quite consistently intense in terms of balancing everything, I’m looking forward to a break in the routine, getting on top of things that have slipped by the wayside, and doing more reading and essay writing. I’ve managed to see a couple of friends, and been enjoying the CPIFF events; joining a friend yesterday for a quick last-minute drink was a reminder for us both that we are close by and there for each other.
I actually managed to run into central London to check out the Monica Sjöö exhibition before work on Friday, and went to have a look at numerous other exhibitions on Cork Street – it was lovely weather and I wished I could stay out all afternoon, but had to trundle along from house to house for an afternoon of tutoring. It did feel like such a privilege to start the day with yoga and exhibition though!
I also can’t believe that next week is the next She Grrrowls at Catford Mews! Only eight tickets have sold so far, so please come along and spread the word if possible. Last month we had an audience of forty and I’m really hoping to build on this!
Watching: Atlanta, Life & Beth, The Simpsons
Reading: Trauma and the Avoidant Client by Robert T. Muller, Little Boxes by Cecilia Knapp
Podcasts: Things Fell Apart, Therapists Uncensored, What Now? with Trevor Noah
Music: Kate Nash, Hole, Stray Kids, Foo Fighters
Again, if you’re able to share or donate to my crowdfund as I train to become an Art Psychotherapist, or buy some books, please do!
Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer. 