Tag: Carmina Masoliver-Marlow

New Year; Same You, But With Added Shine, A Slicker Rhyme…

Inspiration, News

A belated happy new year!  I have just handed in my coursework today and have lots of news to share.  Christmas, by the way, was wonderful – the best ever!  Here’s me celebrating family-style with some of my new clothes (Primari aka Primark).

The first news story is a sad one.  I write this blog for my website but I also post it in other places, and one of these places, Inked-In, is closing down because some company is taking over and wants all the rights to the content.  Totally out of order.  Not happy.  I’ll probably stop writing on there now because I want to have the rights to my content thanks.

Anyway, onward and upward!  I have found an amazing function on Excel that means I don’t have to use this Smartsheet thing I was using that ended up being a free trial and asked me to pay for it.  As if.  So yeah, genius that I am, I figured out you can sort a to-do list on Excel; my list is sorted by the ‘status’ (i.e. whether it’s been started or is complete) then by the due date, and then by a daily ordering system, should I need to do work on something that has a due date way in the future.  It’s not a waste of time either, as I have now completed 44 tasks, and started it maybe a couple of months ago.

For new years eve, Matt and I popped round to my friend Jo’s house for a bit because she now lives about 20 minutes walk away from me!  She used to live in Hammersmith so it’s great she’s so close now.  It took us a bit longer as I took a wrong turn, but good to know for future reference as last time my mum was my taxi.  Jo had fireworks and it was a bit scary but also very pretty and overall, amazing.

Matt and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary on January 2nd at Los Amigos and it was delish.  We also saw a ‘Havana Club’ sign which was cool because we met at a club in Norwich called Havana (now called Kartel).  It was a bit quiet but we had a lovely time.

On that note, I’ll say a little about new years resolutions.  Now, I’m the kind of person that’s always trying to self-improve… a kind of perfectionist, I guess.  So, new years resolutions are something I try to do at various points in the year anyway. That said, my main aims for 2012 are as follows:

– Read more poetry.  Well, read only poetry, aside from non-fiction books used for study, and the occasional fiction book for if I want a break from just poetry.
– Resume my exercise routine.  Try to go to the gym 1 or 2 times a week, and do at least 15 minutes of exercise in the morning before breakfast.
– Keep up a regular beauty regime.  Cleanse, tone, (exfoliate), moisturize.
– The last two points means I need to get early nights.  And wake up early-ish.  If I don’tget enough sleep I get lazy.

And now, for some poetry news.  Firstly, I wanted to say how great it is that Dean Atta has shot to fame, so to speak, after posting ‘I Am Nobody’s Nigger’ online.  As I stated on Twitter, I guess I’ve been “deeply immersed in the world of spoken word,” (quoting The Guardian) because I remember Atta being a regular name since I started out in around 2006.

Not wanting to draw too many comparisons, but, I had previously read Carol Ann Duffy’s Stephen Lawrence tribute poem and been disappointed.  I actually began to have a go myself but am yet to finish it.  I just found her poem too obvious, and lacking emotionally.  And it is a great shame because I have enjoyed Duffy’s work since my GCSEs (though I was disappointed at her reading at the AQA Anthology show).

In terms of my poetry news… I’ve been shortlisted for a £1000 fund on IdeasTap.  My idea may be more suited to another IdeasTap fund I’ve applied for since, and I feel unlikely too get the one I’ve been shortlisted for as it’s quite a long shortlist!  I’ve also been accepted to be a Peer Mentor for Shake the Dust for the Eastern region.  It’ll be really great to give younger poets advice and support, and take part in the regional finals – and I’d love to be a judge!  I probably should have mentioned my judging experience with Scroobius Pip!  It’ll no doubt be a great experience anyway.  I may not have been accepted as a Poet Shadow, but I’ve got the next best thing.  I’ve also applied for the Charles Pick Fellowship at UEA, starting in October.  Thinking about the prospect of being accepted for that excites me too much!  Wish me luck on my endeavours!

xxx

Words & Music

Poetry Gigs

Had a busy week! Tuesday I went out with my friend Laura and my ex-housemate Kirstie (who is travelling around India as of today!) Me and Laura had Nando’s (standard) before meeting Kirstie to go to the Camden Barfly for a gig.  For only a fiver we got to see Supercute and the inspiring Miss Kate Nash in her side project The Receeders.  It was definitely worth seeing and an interesting path for Kate Nash.  Also spotted her boyf Ryan Jarman at the bar.

Last night, after a really stressful day trying to work out PDFs, trying to deal with too many DM boot bids on Ebay and a shift at Sainsbury’s (oh, and after walking in the wrong direction to the venue – typical) I found myself a haven at The Gallery Cafe for The Word House poetry event.  I saw a friendly face in Captain of the Rant, (check out his event, there’s one this Friday I plan to go along to!) and after a quick chat and a rather unimportant embarrassing incident I found myself in, Christian Watson took to the stage.  He was incredible!  I don’t really know what else to say.  It started on a high and that high just did not stop.

The open mic included the likes of Emma Jones who performed her winning set from this year’s Glam Slam (and myself, performing my winning poem from the ‘Loss’ category).  John Berkavitch continued the features and was also amazing, and played with the audiences emotions with a poem that began with a cliché, went forward with comedy and ended with words to send shivers across your skin.  He then told us to read The Empty Space, which is so cheap on Amazon I may have to add it to my huge pile of books to read.  I’m currently reading Doris Lessing’s The Golden Notebook.  It’s massive.

Last up before a dash for the tube (both him and me) was Inua Ellams.  I have said before how lovely he comes across and he is so genuine.  Not only that, but he has an amazing way with words, and also an amazing Graphic Artist. Jealous much.  All in all, a wonderful evening, raising money for Oxfam, yay!  And I even made it home for a late-night viewing of X-factor.

I’ve been working as usual, doing lots of useful and interesting MA stuff (including a gruelling day about accounting) and spent a couple of days with my boyfriend in Norwich, forcing him to come with me to a Feminist Society discussion group, and coming back to his only to watch a rom-com.  Sorry love.  Oh yeah!  And we did Yoga.  About 2 hours of it!  It was really hardcore, seriously, my legs hurt a couple of days later and everything.  Oh yeah, he’s starting up this Sketch Club – if you’re creative in any way, get involved!  I also saw my Gran for dinner with my parents which was a welcome return from the coach journey from Norwich.

Matt made me these cool timetables that you can draw and wipe off.  It’s really good because it gets your mind focused and you feel good ticking things off.  I’ve missed a few things off but I think I’m doing pretty well!  I wonder if I can count my Sainsbury’s work as exercise since it’s manual? Hmmm!

Adios!

xxx

 

Spoonful of Poison at the Urban Bar

Poetry Gigs

I looked up Urban Bar online and wished I had someone to come with me, such delish looking food!

It was literally across the road from Whitechapel station and has a cool tiger print, but sadly wasn’t that busy.  Spoon, who runs the night, suggested it was because it doesn’t get the flow of Brick Lane but as someone who travels to East London rather than lives there, it doesn’t make much difference for me.  It was nice to be on the Overground line, reminded me of last summer’s internship.

Spoon didn’t recognise me at first because of my new haircut so I felt a bit awkward and shy.  I spoke to a woman called Jan who did some cool things with a drum machine, keyboard and voice… a bit PJ Harvey meets Bjork.  I felt more relaxed after Spoon spoke to me, and he was really nice – you can’t see it on the video I filmed, but he squeezed three round of applause out for me haha.

At some point they made jokes about PRS and I felt pretty smug with myself knowing what they were talking about, having gone to this crash course into the music industry thing.  There were some people at the back that talked through it all and one performer pointed it out and it was a bit awkward but it didn’t even stop them!

One guy came up to me to say well done, and he also asked ‘are you really a feminist?’ and he defos represented the predominant negative perception feminist have these days.  I told him I believed in equality, but he seemed to think it was a given, but the point is, it’s not!  That’s why we still need feminism, and I want to reclaim the word.  I feel like I should write a book on being a feminist. I’ve been reading The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir but I also have an urge to read more modern texts to see what other people of my generation are writing about.

Another thing I’ve been wanting to reclaim is patriotism.  I want to reclaim it from the racists because being proud of your country shouldn’t be about racism and that’s generally the association one gets… as seen from the reaction of when I drunkenly told my friend ‘I’m fiercely patriotic’.  I’m not sure where I stand on the whole Royal Wedding thing… as someone who fundamentally believes in equality, the notion of a monarchy doesn’t sit right with me, but I did watch a lot of it on TV and I thought it was lovely, and the speech by the priest was particularly touching, as the couple seem like nice people… so it was nice to celebrate the occasion, and seeing them laugh after the crowd cheered at their kiss on the balcony, the cute little girl covering her ears at the noise, the choir boy who was REALLY into it, the EMOTION in his eyes haha!, and that moment driving in the car saying ‘JU5T WED’ – classic with modern twists!  I wish I had gone to Battersea’s street party in a way, because it seemed like it would have a real sense of pride on being British, from a diverse range of cultures and backgrounds… because our democracy, our embracing of the different and the quirky, our freedom… it’s all something to be celebrated.

In going back to the poetry event.  I was tempted to wear jeans, but I always feel too dressed down.  I ended up going for one of my favourite dresses… it’s so versitle in terms of day/night.  It’s from Motel, one of my favourite brands.  It has a rose print at the bottom which is a a-line shaped, and plain black at the top, so it’s a really flattering shape.  I can offer a discount code for Motel dresses online, so drop me a line and I’ll let your know the code 😉

I dedicated my poem ‘To Be Loved’ to Ellie Glouding because I read that she thinks feminists would be turning in their graves to hear her songs and seems to suggest that you can’t be a feminist and express love or vulnerability.  But why can’t I be a feminist who is also patriotic, likes clothes, dislikes having body hair, and falls in love with the wrong people sometimes?

A bit of a dampener on the other day, a discussion about drugs and alcohol escalated and I got upset about it, but I don’t want to go into those details, as it is personal.  The thing I have learnt about going to the feminist discussion group, is that we don’t have all the answers, things are not black and white.  That goes for drugs as well.  I don’t feel I can judge people to take illegal drugs whilst drinking alcohol… as there has been a lot of evidence to show that alcohol is equally, and, in some cases, more harmful, than some drugs.  I don’t advocate either as the best examples of what you should do with your life but I believe in freedom of choice.  I believe that it would help to decriminalize the use of drugs, because people who get addictions need help.  It can been seen in other countries that legalisation actually produces a decline in drug abuse, and whilst I don’t think that would initially help in the UK, I think it shows a positive example of what can be achieved.  I think it’s a complicated issue, and it needs addressing on so many different levels.  The drinking culture in the UK is problematic, as the focus is often on getting drunk and leads to bingeing.  In the past I have wanted to deny this is a problem, but I feel I have been the poster-girl for the problem more often than not, and I want to develop a more healthy relationship with drinking, because it is something I enjoy doing when I do it in the right way.  It’s about information and education from a young age, and in the right way, with honesty, not scare-mongering and moral panic in the media.  Anyway, before I start going on about my views on sex education and so on, I’m going to stop.

xxx

Easter Two-Nighter

Poetry Gigs

Right, because I’m at my London home and using the laptop I spilt water on that doesn’t have the letter ‘g’ (and it’s nearly 1am) I’m going to try to keep it short and sweet.  I’m writing it slightly annoyed because I wanted to say something and can’t remember and have been trying for ages to remember grrr!

Last night I SANG with my frex Will Gardiner who played the guitar for me.  It was for the Late Shift at UEA’s Sainsbury’s Centre.  After years of wanting to do this and being to scared to do it, it was actually not any scarier than reading poetry.  There were some other amazing performers and was really happy to be included in such a fantastic line-up.  Check all these people out: Jamnesty, Rachael Durrant, Vince Laws and David Osbiston.  And if you want to look at how it went for me, you can watch  the video on YouTube… though listening to it myself is a bit cringe and it seemed way better at the time haha.  Also, I was aware I messed up some of the words as I was doing it so that’s never nice to hear.

I continued the night with my friends Helen and Laura, and so it was a proper last night in Norwich.  I came home for the Farrago gig by train and it was long and I had a heavy suitcase, so pretty tiring.  My mum picked my up from Worcester Park station, and of course, when I walked past the traffic, a load of guys were being “ultimate lads” aka “ultimate tools” and shouted out at me ‘alright schweetheart, need a hand?’  I didn’t respond at all, even if I came up with a witty come-back, it would just be giving them what they wanted.  I was in a weird mood, maybe a delayed reaction from talking to a friend earlier about something that’s been frustrating me for a while, combined with nerves and disappointment that I didn’t think anyone was coming to watch me.

However, I was mostly in a positive frame of mind, just had a mini-stress-out.  I’m looking forward to tucking into the best Easter chocolate as well – dark chocolate egg and lots of creme eggs!

So, tonight I had a huge surprise coming out of Goodge Street tube station.  An old college friend, Janet Etuk, who was not only there… but there to see me!  And, even better, Anya Destiney came along too – the girl who you could say is responsible for everyone having to endure me read poetry!  Both girls are mighty-fine actresses as well so keep your eyes peeled!

The other features of the night were Charlie Dupre, Fran Landesman, Clair Whitefield, Sharnika Power, The Wizard of Skill, and AF Harrold.  Charlie, Clair, and Sharnika were all unfamiliar to me and they were incredible!  Espesh, Sharnika, at only 16, she was unbelievably good, so confident and intelligent.

I forgot my camera, which was a shame, since I actually had people to record it for me, and I think it went quite well… though it was cut really short.  Anyway, I thought I’d start posting more photos and stuff to make this more interesting and personal.  Part of that will be pictures of me haha, basically, I’m quite into style (I’m inclined to say style rather than fashion for obvious reasons) and any attempt to go to poetry readings in just a jeans and t-shirt combo never really happens… I like dressing up, and maybe coming from a “dance background” it makes me see it more as a performance with costume haha… that’s why the up-coming Glam Slam is exciting!

I’m wearing a yellow Passenger t-shirt (it was quite cheap at some shop, and I got my friend Natalie Cooper a similar design) with a standard red h&m cardi, and not shown in the picture, a high-waisted black skirt.  Note the badge from Russel J Turner, reading “all you pretty fuckers”.

Okay, that took just under an hour.  I have lots to occupy myself with tomorrow and will hopefully be swimming again, with my mum.  I went the other day in Norwich and it was really nice.  I kinda wanted to go to Tooting Bec Lido but my mum keeps changing her mind.  That reminds me, there’s poetry stuff going down in Tooting, which is where I spent most of my childhood.  If anyone is near 833 Garratt Lane, please ask for my Barbie dolls, I miss them.

xxx

Alphabet Soup

Poetry Gigs

Last night I read a whole collection of new poems from my creative writing coursework.  One I named after a Henry Holland patishe t-shirt I have called ‘Blow Bubbles Not Bombs’ and the whole set was based around love but that poem was probably the most personal and it wasn’t about relationships, and less moaning about guys is defos a good thing! I was really pleased with the collection so I hope I get a good mark.  My housemate Kirstie, and my friend Laura came to support me, which was cool as the crowd wasn’t as packed as usual!  Laura said even though I did a lot of ‘page’ poems I did them well and I seemed really professional, so yay!

I ended the set with a sneak preview of what me and my frex Will are gonna be doing at the Late Shift next Wednesday (20th April) at the Sainsbury’s Centre in Norwich.  It’s basically him on guitar as an “assisstant” as Hasina, the event organiser, called him haha!  I will be singing and doing poetry and luckily Laura said she’d come so that’ll be cool.  Anyway, we did ‘Drama’ and people thought it was cool!

Omg!  It’s suprising how much “poetry beef” (as The Ruby Kid has referred to it!) there is on the scene.  One of the poets who I know from uni did a poem about another one of my friend’s and even though it was funny and spot on and a brilliant poem, I feel a bit bad because I imagine he won’t take it so well.  She’s going to email it to him but I think if he was there when she read it, it may have provoked debate so may have a more negative consequence now.

Gossip gossip!  I was excited a while back to find out that Time Clare is going out with a girl from Bearsuit.  Most amazing couple or what?!

xxx

It’s Who You Know

Poetry Gigs

I recently came back from Peterborough where I had been to the Poetry Rivals Slam.  It was a sunny day, which always helps, and overall it was fun, despite my stressing about getting the last train because I’d been given a late slot.  I was given a nice pack off stuff, including this certificate, where sadly my name was spelt wrong.

So, the Under 18s section was first, though it seemed I was one of the few people from the adult’s section that was there as the room disappeared afterwards.  It ranged from the cute to more impressive stuff.  I chatted to one of their grandad’s who seemed nice, and pretty cool, cool being he had an earring and rode motorbikes haha!

I went to eat at Ask where I had booked a table beforehand in case… being Saturday… it was busy.  It wasn’t.  The staff there were really friendly and I talked to them about what I was doing in Peterborough.  I managed to eat a whole garlic pizza bread and mushroom & chicken risotto, despite my paranoia that there may have been some cheese in it.

My favourite poets from Under 18s slam were Eddy Telford (the grandson) and Nicole Edwards.  Though I didn’t see them all because I went to eat dinner and wanted to make sure I was back for the adult slam.  My favourites in that were Thommie Gillow (who spoke to me and was lovely), Dorothy Beaumont (one of the older contestants who did a beautiful poem to her husband with great dancing imagery), Rochelle Logan-Rogers (who did a great performance of a piece written for Love Music Hate Racism) and Richard Castle (who though rather mumbley and mono-tone, I think I caught some really strong lines and ideas in his poems).  The winner was Stephen Watt, and I was surprised as I couldn’t remember his poem but asked my mum to read it from the book in London and it refreshed my memory and I thought was quite a nice idea with the rubix cube image.  I’m not sure I would have decided on him myself but it was really hard to judge, as the judges said, and I don’t know who I’d have picked.

It was disappointing not winning but I didn’t exactly expect to, and after my reading (which went okay, with one annoying slip up, and maybe a bit rushed and static) I didn’t feel I was going to at all.  I don’t feel ready anyway.  One of the things I want to concentrate on, after my dissertation hand-in in about 3 weeks, is poems for possible publication.

I get annoyed at not being accepted into magazines but I really need to do it constantly.  It’s just hard keeping track of all the dates of stuff, so I have a document trying to organise it but I’m still getting rejected loads, so how can I progress to a chapbook or proper collection?

I’m currently listening to the Gipsy Kings but there’s a few more things I was going to write before this blog post.  They’re not really relevent to poetry, but they are about my life, which some people might find more interesting than repetitive notes on poetry gigs!  I also didn’t record this performance so, no video.

Anyway, I’ve been busy dancing and attempting at drinking in moderation (going well since the cart-wheel incident) as well as doing my dissertation and creative writing work.  I’m also going to be UEA London Correspondent to the Feminist Society next year!  In relation to that, when I went out on Tuesday night someone pinched my bum, and then I later got talking to a guy who said he was gay.  These are things we’ve been talking about in the discussion group (it’s soon to be a society)… the idea that some men think it is acceptable to violate a woman in ways such as pinching bums (though we’ve been talking about more “cat-calling” in the street situations) and also things like The Game when it comes to relationships… pretending to be gay being one of these tactics.  The guy in question here called me “stunning” and then said “if I wasn’t gay…” and that I had even managed to “attract a gay guy”.  I don’t want to be cynical, he was very sweet and seemed to think I genuinely deserved to have a nice boyfriend… but the point I’m making is that because of these “games” it means women have to be wary to trust others, and also… if I am attractive… so what?  Why should I be defined on my physical appearance?  I can’t complain, because if that was the case, I’m clearly not defined by what I look like. I’m judged far more for being slightly unhinged, intense and too honest for my own good, hence coming across *shock horror* desperate.  Which, I’m not.  It takes a lot for me to like a guy but I usually end up ruining things when i actually do give a shit because I come across too keen.  It’s funny.  Anyway, these things are interesting to think about.

Which brings me to my last point.  I knew half the judges on the panel tonight.  But they thought Mr. Watt’s poetry was better, so he won.  We’re always being told “it’s who you know” but this proves… it’s not who you know.  Unless those particular people secretly hate me.

*Yawn* I’m ready for bed!

xxx

Don’t Cart-wheel on Broken Glass

Poetry Gigs

Last Thursday night LitSoc put on an event with CWS… though actually I think only one of our collaborators was there.  Anyway, this is possibly the last event we’re going to put on, but I’m hoping to put on another one.  I really want to pay the performers but I don’t think we have enough money… maybe on the next!

Anyway, we had to host as a committee (apart from Helen because she doesn’t like public speaking) because our host pulled out last-minute… very unprofessional haha.  We started off with a CWS open mic but the only member that came had to go away for something and so there wasn’t really any of their input but whatever.  I was the “sacrificial poet” first in the open mic and we had a decent number of people get up to read.

The night consisted of Catherine Woodward, followed by Grenouilles, and I was meant to go on then but I cut my set out so the night would run more smoothly (hence why I did the open mic instead).  Then Greta Healy and Hannah Walker gave us some poetry, and Robyn Comfort began with poetry and moved onto music.

Ending the night was Russell J Turner, Ashley Johnston, and Tim Clare.  I was really happy with how the evening went down, but I think I’m getting a bit too comfortable in my university bubble because I had rather too much wine to drink.  I stupidly left mid-way through Tim Clare’s set because a couple of friends were going out and apparently it was a “now or never” situation.  I feel really stupid and guilty for leaving and really regret it.  It’s something I’d be totally against when sober and if Captain of the Rant saw me that night, he’d be saying “now who’s rude? now who’s the dickhead?! hmmm?!”

I guess I got what I deserved.  I ended up at “Nowhere” and somehow was dancing on my own, wondering where one of the people I came with had gone but figuring I may as well just enjoy myself until we were reunited.  I had an urge at the beginning of the night to do a cart-wheel but we were busy setting up so I didn’t.  You better believe repressed urges will come out.  I decided to use an empty space to do a cart-wheel.  Now, this is something I would do sober as well, and have memories of doing it at kid’s birthday parties in my childhood, so I don’t know if I can entirely blame the alcohol for… maybe I can blame the club, or the dark lighting.

Anyway, I did the cart-wheel and I did it on a load of broken glass.  My hand got cut first and so I fell onto the floor and hurt my knee.  I was really embarrassed and rushed to the bar where I told them my hand really hurt and that I “thought” it was bleeding.  I looked down and there was blood going everywhere (including my lovely dress… it’s okay guys, it came out in the wash, thank god! It’s vintage you see).  I was taken to the back room and they got the first aid kit out and bandaged me up, but the guy said that if I cared what my knee looked like I needed to go to A&E.  I remember being quite casual about it because I didn’t think that I needed more than what he’d done, and I didn’t really want to go but him saying that obviously freaked me out…  I didn’t really want a deformed knee.

So… memory blank… somehow I got there.  Taxi I guess.  I waited for 3 hours and had nothing to do.  I had left my poetry and my iPod at the LitSoc event.  I wasted loads of texts and even tried calling my dad, and a friend I’d planned to call at the weekend.  It was past 2am so I didn’t get through.  I bought some crisps and a cookie from a machine.  I felt so depressed and lonely and just sat there for hours until I got so frustrated with everyone being seen apart from me that I started crying.  Not noticeably, just silently to myself.  I just wanted my parents there but they are in London and I am in Norwich.

Eventually I was seen and it was revealed it was a complete waste of time.  I didn’t even need stitches.  They just washed my hand (which had been previously glued) and then put these strips on my knee (which my dad said were butterfly stitches, but still… not proper stitches).  I got an expensive taxi home for £8 and when I arrived at mine at like 5am, the guy wouldn’t stop talking about how Shakespeare doesn’t exist.  I mean, bless him, but at 5am I just wanted to go to sleep before attempting at my busy day whilst being all tired and hungover.

It’s my housemate, Kristy’s birthday today so we’ve just made her fairy cakes and put them on this amazing cake stand we got her from Notty Green.  I’ve been listening to Funeral for a Friend’s new album Welcome Home Armageddon and it’s great!  More like the old stuff, wooo!  It’s been sunny and I’ve been wearing pink jeans and been in a good mood considering my preoccupation with a guy that doesn’t feel the same as me and general loneliness that creeps over me sometimes.  And random waves of panic about my life in general.  Anyway, before I start getting too personal and bitching about other stuff that’s annoying me, I’ll end.

xxx

Carmina of the Rant

Poetry Gigs

I am bursting to say what I did not earlier.  I’m writing this at one in the morning but will post it the next day with the appropriate video.

[Edit: Please remember I was pretty drunk when writing this]

Firstly, I have been accepted onto the Creative Entrepreneurship MA at UEA London!  I didn’t know what to expect, felt it could go either way… my housemate Jordi told me via Facebook that the letter was at our house but I was in London.  In case I didn’t get on, I waited until I got back to Norwich, and with my stupid shoes cutting through my flesh I rushed from bus stop to door and tore open the letter.  I was happy.  I am happy.  It’s a peak, but there are still troughs and that happiness is still temporary.  (That’s actually a reference to that day’s Loose Women… oh dear!)  However, I would be devastated if I didn’t get on.

I’m currently listening to Jessie J’s album and I am increasingly irritated.  She has switched from earlier work into an Americanized accent and it pisses me off.  She sounds so much better natural.  Clearly forgetting her roots… and as soon as Price Tag, the first track, plays, it is clearly bullshit.  She has stated in Style magazine that one of her mottos is to ‘don’t cater for the handful, cater for the masses’ which just is the total opposite of what the lyrics in that song seem to say.  She has a good voice, her songs are good, so why put on some fake accent?  America = the masses = money money money. Bring back the mandem, that’s what I say.

Anyway, tonight.  Despite being tired I went to Word of Mouth.  I feel like I need to do anything I can to expose my poetry.  I knew all the acts and the one I was most impressed with (and during the Christmas holidays I gigged at the same place as him and headline act Pete The Temp) was… Captain of the Rant.  To be honest, I couldn’t remember Pete’s act that much and while this time, I do appreciate he was entertaining, I wasn’t sure he was actually a ‘poet’ but he did do at least one good poem… I would call him more of a comedy act though.

The open mic afterwards was good to do, but the main thing for me was that Captain of the Rant and his friends ruined it for me.  A guy I know from UEA’s CWS ranted about the Captain himself, calling him ‘Captain of the Fuckface’ or something… anyway, I was glad, he deserved it and I’d hoped he felt bad, but him and his mates kept on chatting.  As I was impressed with his act both times I’d seen him, I was disappointed in him and I was just gutted to be honest, absolutely gutted.  Amy Wragg commented it was an open mic and that ‘some people pay attention, and some people don’t’ but personally, I think that’s a load of bollocks!  It’s just rude to talk over spoken word, open mic or not. [Edit: Okay, yes, that’s my opinion but if you argue that one has the right to ignore what’s going on, then I argue it’s my right to be pissed off.  However, I just gave a lot of drunken evil eyes.  Listening back to the YouTube video, I think I attempted to make a point by almost screaming some of Claymore.]

[Edit: I have removed a small section because although I found it funny, it could be misinterpreted as rude]

In the words of Scroobius Pip “thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave as soon as you’ve done your shitty little poem or song, you self-righteous prick.”  I know part of the meaning is that these are things we do… but the main thing is to take it on board.  I’m sure talking through other people’s poems (no matter how shitty they are) is included in this sentiment.  I’m understanding more than ever that when you want to do what you enjoy as a career it can become like a chore… I came to this night because I felt I should, rather than because I really wanted to go.  So, I can understand just going and doing you’re bit, but I don’t want to be like that.  I tend to like to make a night of these things by drinking but I know I’ll have to do less of that the more often I do it… financially and health-wise.  I don’t want that to mean I leave early, I want to stay as long as I can and not forget the places that I came from.

I also got annoyed talking to a friend.  Not because of what they said per say, as they are interesting to talk and debate with… but in terms of my own questioning who I am and what I do. I was told at a Farrago event at the start of the year about an event that’s more for “page poets” and I was offended at the implication that I wasn’t good enough to be considered a performance poet.  Then again, this friend thinks I’m more of a performance poet and that not many of my poems are fit for the page… hence the magazine rejections, I guess.  I do like fitting into both categories, and maybe that’s part of the danger, but it saddens me to be told I don’t fit in either… that I’m not good enough for either.

So, I am happy about my MA… I feel I have direction now and I like that, I like setting goals and ticking things off.  I just need to get some money for it!  Please somebody fund me!  I’m trying to look it as an investment!  Anyway, yes, I’m happy but as always, nothing is good enough… I have to push forward still, and things are still pissing me off, things are still getting me down, my heart is still broken, my body is still alone at night and my poetry was about mental illness tonight, so what do you expect?

Okay, so I’m going to stop listening to this album now.  Stopping it on Who’s Laughing Now which is a good track because it’s personal, which I like, and it’s clear despite the stupid fake accent, she can sing.  Also, a lot of the stuff in the Style article was pretty cool, and her speech at the Brits was amazing.  She seems like a nice girl, and to me… talent and personality… that’s what’s important right? 

respect

The Captain has since apologised and can have his hat back.

xxx

Farrago Heartbreak(er)

Poetry Gigs

Last night I went to Farrago at the RADA bar, and had bagged myself a feature.  My train was delayed and I didn’t know when I was on, but I didn’t stress myself about it because last time the show started at 8pm.  I was pleased with my set but wished I slowed down a bit.  The time is usually quite tight at Farrago, so it was probably better in this case to be quick so I didn’t have to cut my poems short.  I was quite surprised at some of the noises the crowd made because I guess it just seems so natural to me, but I did deal with some emotional matters with a kind of raw honesty.  I’m glad some people laughed at the last poem, ‘Lullaby’ because I see it as a kind of tragi-comedy poem about the ridiculous patterns of thought when you’re infactuated with someone, and wanting them to like you and hoping they feel the same way when they don’t.  It was inspired by reading Sarah Kane and listening to Regina Spektor’s song of the same title… although for some reason I only have half the song. 

A girl I met through an ex boyfriend came to perform again.  I think I may have mentioned she came to the Tea Box gig as she’s trying to get into the poetry circuit.  Her name’s Harriet Cramer and she’s soon going to get a collection published, so watch this space!

Quite a few people came up to me and asked for any websites etc. which was really cool!  The second time someone has asked if I have anything published!  To be honest, I still get rejected from most magazines, and have never tried to get a collection published.  I don’t think I’m ready but I hope to be at that stage after the MA in Creative Entrepreneurship – if I get onto it!  I need to go through my mass of poems to pick out the best.  I also like the idea of working with a theme.  Visually, I want it to be a cross between Laura Dockrill’s Mistakes in the Background, and Courtney Love’s Dirty Blonde.  I’d love to have a more plain collection as well… oh to be a Faber New Poet!

I was also introduced on stage for a second time as something like ‘the angel of heartbreak’ which I was very embarrassed and uncomfortable about.  I had to introduce the winner or the special heartbreak(er) prize – a pick-up line generator, Patrick Hearn.  He said ‘see you at the pub after?’ which added to my embarrassment but I did what I usually do in those situations and giggled like a little girl, which is probably why people think it’s normal to call me an angel and are shocked at some of the things that come out of my mouth haha!  But, hey, it’s just a shyness thing and it’s part of who I am so, irritating as it is, it is how I shall probably stay!

xxx

Verbal Detox CWS Open Mic

Poetry Gigs

Monday I did the open mic and my friend Laura came along with me which was nice.  The theme was ‘detox’ and we were encouraged to show the “new you” so I did all new material, including one about my new haircut, whilst wearing a new dress, just £2 from primark! However I didn’t get any of the prize potatoes, so had to ask for some at the end as I do love potatoes!

A couple of girls came up to me and said how much they liked my set and said how they felt the words I spoke, which was great to hear because of it being new material, and that’s kind of the aim of what I do.  I want people to understand and feel what I feel, like when you hear songs that just speak to you.

There were all the usual performers really, apart from one girl at the start who was good but brought one REALLY irritating and, quite frankly, rude friend.  She was constantly texting, eating, talking, laughing and had her back to the performers all night.  I thought maybe she was going out after and just there for pre-drinks because her friends were there, but I noticed her change from heels to flats.  It was just weird, I couldn’t help thinking WHY IS SHE HERE?!

John Simpson Wedge was doing a ‘feature’ set and it was the best he’d ever performed.  There was a lot of variety, as he ventured away from the comedy and did an amazing serious prose piece, and then a Coolio parody which was funny.

Me and Laura ended up accidentally going out and went to Havana’s.  It was fun but I didn’t want to drink as much as I did.  It was good to meet some guys from The Birdcage but on the dance floor I was astounded at the disgusting behaviour from men in there.  There was a big group of guys that just dominated an area and it just felt really unpleasant and predatory.  At one point two of them came up to me and started to try to “dance” with me from in front and behind and I was creeped out and got them to move away, or rather, I just moved away.  There were a group of scary guys that kept asking for a dance and then when we said no, they asked if we spoke English, and also asked if we would dance with their uncle, who was an elderly, short man.  They followed us when we moved away, another guy even tried to keep one away from us.  They attempted to touch Laura from behind and I told them to back off.  Later, we saw they were leaving and glad, they walked past as and one pinched my bum so I pushed him away and felt incredibly angry.  He turned to me in a threatening manner and I shouted not to touch me.  They left but it ruined the night a bit and we decided to leave and got chips.  We talked whilst waiting for the bus but didn’t get home until 4.30am.  So I was pretty tired the next day!

Anyway, that’s about it.  DJ set at The Birdcage tomorrow with Kristy and our laptops haha.

xxx