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Mistletoe and Whine

Just came back from the last UEA CWS open mic of the year.  I’m on a certain antibiotic at the moment which is supposed to give you an insane headache if you drink alcohol on it so I spent 60p on two pints of blackcurrant squash.  Seeing as I’ve already spent nearly all my money on Christmas presents, this no drinking thing is probably for the best.  I’ve been going to alcohol counselling in an attempt to stop binge drinking and develop a healthier relationship with alcohol so it was interesting when I went to the last LitSoc social sober.  The pub crawl part was actually really fun, and I think I made the most effort of anyone with the two members (who weren’t the committee or friends of the committee) that showed up.  The club was where it went downhill.  I hadn’t heard good things about the change from Po Na Na’s to Lola Lo’s but I went in with an open mind.  Sadly, I couldn’t take advantage of the free vodka, and the mince pies never turned up.  From then on, I felt like I was waiting for people to get drunk, and couldn’t really talk as the music was so loud.  Eventually some of us danced for a bit, but then the others got fed up and I left early with a few people.  It was around 1am so I felt that was an okay time, considering I still had lots of coursework to do!

Anyway, back to tonight.  I felt more nervous as I don’t think I have done a gig without a little dutch courage for over a year at Starbucks (they don’t do alcohol).   Anyway, I felt like it went well and got a couple of compliments, not only on my poetry but also my outfit – Reko dress, white tights, vintage shoes and a Father Christmas hat.  I got to speak to Leo Hunt who I remember liking the last time, and he’s a nice chap.  I also remembered how much I adore Greta Healey’s voice; again, I think my Words & Music lecturer would like it.  Anyway, I read a new poem called I Am No Better which was inspired by events at Hop Farm Festival last year, including a drunken vision of Kaya Scodelario (Effie from Skins), so it has been a long time coming, but hopefully that means it’s a gooden.  I then dedicated my poem Passing Time, to a guy I’ve been acquainted with for a couple of weeks who said he’d never go to see poetry.  I then did Drama as I was reminded of it whilst doing research for my Children’s Literature module.  I finished on Tick the Box, which another performer told me they liked best.

So, I was happy.  On top of that, I won a chocolate prize for my attempt at the fancy dress! As the only effort was the hat, I’m pretty pleased… though am not sure I should be as the rest was just a normal outfit!  Oh well, chocolate, can’t complain!  I really enjoyed Christopher Ogden’s prose piece and think I prefer it to his poetry, which is unusual as it is more difficult to keep the audience’s attention with prose.  Angela Robinson was really enjoyable again, and I find her work very cinematic, in an American way, but in a positive way that makes you want to take a trip! Chris Gray was next and his set was really funny, and delivered with confidence.  Catherine Woodward is someone who impresses me more and more each time I see her, and is published so hopefully would be able to get her for a pure LitSoc event if we end up doing that. 

Robyn Comfort did a nice mix of poetry and song to acoustic guitar, including one about her boyfriend which was sweet; it reminded me of when I read at the Poetry Cafe and dedicated a poem to my boyfriend at the time, and how in that moment I made his heart feel more for me than he ever has since.  Amy Wragg didn’t turn up, which I was disappointed about as I was looking forward to hearing her read.  Laurie Eaves was as good as ever, and even worked a reference to one of Angela’s poems in his.  Josephine Lister was headliner, and I’m still working out what I think about her poetry, as she’s quite loud and so maybe she should have more variation or something, I can’t put my finger on it, that said, I loved her poem The Way You Look Tonight.  I also think I might fancy her just a bit.

I’m really wanting to break open my chocolate snowman, but I’ve already had a massive Homemade Quorn Cottage Pie that should really serve two, and a strip of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk.  I should also go to bed now as I still have essays to edit and expand upon (UNDER the word limit!)  I also need to draw and scan in illustrations for my creative project for Children’s Literature.  Then once that’s over, time to start on my Creative Entrepreneurship MA application and reading for my dissertation.

xxx

I also realised I didn’t do any Christmas-themed poems, so here’s one from last year:

Nativity

 

You were Father Christmas in the nativity.

I was a snow flake.

If we met in reception I wonder

what we would be now,

and whether we would have been friends

back then.

Would you have pulled my hair?

Would you have known my name?

In the playground playing games

would you have been my aim in kiss chase?

Or would you be kicking a football

while I was tangled up I skipping ropes

and standing on one leg in hopscotch?

Would you save me if I was stuck in the mud?

Find a plaster for my grazed knees?

Or be the cause for my bruises

for pushing me too hard?

You, eating Christmas dinner in the hall.

Would I be on pack lunch at this time?

‘Cause I always changed my mind.

Would you watch my cartwheels

or comment on my hairy legs?

Would we keep in contact?

Grow older as friends.

Or more.

Would we be shy?

Would we camp together at music festivals?

Would I fall in love with you,

and your family,

would they call me their baby?

Get pissed together?

Bite nails and smoke cigarettes?

And experience what went on behind bike sheds?

Because in reality I stopped riding bikes at secondary school.

Would we comfort eat?

Or have someone to share the cakes with?

Would we swap presents every year?

Would we write pain into our history books

or just play hangman at the back of the classroom?

Would I go away?

And you come visit me,

hug goodbye

but always say see you soon.

Would you ride off with reindeer to the moon?

And dust me off your shoulder.

Would you see life without me is colder?

Share a bed with a hot water bottle, one duvet

and two pillows.

Aisle16: Poetry Boyband

This weekend my oldest friend, Hannah, came to visit me in Norwich and I made her come with me to celebrate 10 years of Aisle16 at The York Tavern, a pub on the end of my road.  Luke Wright hosted the evening, tying up the loose ends with poems about the poetry collective.

I was familiar with most of the performers individually, but not the first two.  Joel Stickley was on first and I remember enjoying his set but looking back the poem that really sticks out in my mind is the one about fish: clever and witty – both boxes that need to be ticked to be a member of the group.  Archie Macjoyce was next and although I feel like I should like everyone who performed, I have to be honest, and I could either leave his name out, or admit I was less keen.  I think I may have preferred his act without the music background, maybe that was it.  Anyway, then there was Tim Clare who I’ve seen perform a lot recently and am quite frankly sick of him… just kidding!  He was obviously enjoyable as always.

In the break, me and Hannah began to turn into teenagers, and Aisle16 were simultaneously morphed into a poetry boyband.  We admitted over our fourth drinks that we actually both fancy Tim a bit.  And later face the dilemma of who’s hotter – Ross Sutherland or Chris Hicks?  Sure, Ross has amazing hair, but look at the arms on Chris!  If only they did posters we wouldn’t have to choose.

The feminist in me is a bit begrudged the group doesn’t have any girls in it.  Then again, maybe that’s why I turned into a starstruck teenager in their presence.  There was an a’cappella performance from a token female so that’s good enough for me. 

Chris Hicks was up next, with a voice that would be sure to seduce my Words & Music lecturer.  Oh, and his poetry was good too.  Jason Raper and John Osborne carried on a good show through to the next break. 

During this interval, Luke Wright came up to thank me for the review I did of his live show.  I was still a teenager. Well and truly starstruck.  I didn’t know where exactly he saw it as it’s not out in Concrete yet, and I post this blog in three other places than here.  Anyway, that was really nice but I was such a loser and shy despite my drinking.  Straight afterward Tim Clare said “hello Carmina” and I had no idea he knew my name so I had a double whammy of starstruckness and pretty much acted the same way.  I’m really going to have to work at being a normal human being.

Anyway, next up was Joe Dunthorne, who I met at an event I was working at for Penned in the Margins in the summer.  Again, I really liked it, but the highlight of the night was when Ross and Chris joined him for a poem together and it was AMAZING!  Proper boyband stylee haha.  Ross was last up, another favourite after constantly reading over his latest book prior to publishing whilst on my internship.  Luke then finished off the night to the sound of party poppers and me and Hannah rushed off to try to get the bus to go from one birthday party to another.  We had to wait an hour, but that’s another story.

I did notice Ross was wearing what I only assume are my lost trainers.  If they are a size 8, then they are most definitely mine.  I post the following poem as a plea: give them back!

Adidas Trainers

 

Two sizes too big,

cosy and warm,

bought in Camden

at a second-hand stall.

You walked away from me in the night

and I don’t know where to look.

you were dragged from place to place,

having to call each one home.

You have been trapped in wardrobes,

only to be taken out occasionally,

mostly on rainy days;

you did not enjoy the puddles.

So you left me.

You left me to look for something.

A truth and reality

amongst the confusion.

You went outside without me,

you went outside alone,

perhaps you’ve gone

to find your first home.

xxx

The Petty Concerns of Luke Wright – Norwich Arts Centre

Luke Wright is as close as you can get to a celebrity in the world of poetry, and when one sees him walk around, it can be easy to assume he is something of a moving statue of bravado and one-liners.  He introduces Tim Clare as warm-up act and tells the audience he fears he will be up-staged by the support.  Having seen Clare at Word of Mouth recently, he pretty much made the crowd fall in love with him; however this time he was noted as slightly less impressive so perhaps this was an attempt to place Wright on top.

After a break, Wright appeared again, heading over to a nearby laptop to fiddle with leads as his computerised introduction was soundless.  He went on to describe this show as an exploration of ‘ego, ambition and humility.’  The statue was about to show his cracks.  The show began with a familiar tale of his skinny jean days, number one of seven, kicking off the telling of his journey to success and wanting to be a ‘star.’

Mixing in comedic anecdotes with sympathetic story-telling and, of course, the poetry; he comments on MySpace fame culture with Thanx 4 the ad, the importance of Manchester mentor Mr. Blank, and his own failures and frustrations with self in Luke’s Got a Joke.  There are enough jokes to keep you laughing, yet still poignant moments of beauty and vulnerability, for example, as he tells the audience of fellow performance poet David J asking him ‘what you trying to forget?’

The evening progresses like a scrap book with photographs on the backdrop, alongside comments found Googling himself; he reveals ‘under the chipped nail varnish of my life, were the same bitten fingernails.’  In an attempt to grow-up, with a wife and baby on board, we get Mondeo Man and a recital of a section of Philip Larkin’s Dockery &Son.  Wright concludes that you can’t change who you are, but maybe you can dilute it, asking the audience to Raise a Glass with the final poem.

Perhaps the best way to judge a performance of poetry is whether, when lying in bed, about to close your eyes, you reach for the alarm-clock-cum-phone and type in lines of your own attempts at poetry.  Whether that happens, well, you’ll just have to see for yourself.

UEA Literature Society Showcase: Autumn

Monday 22nd was the second edition of the Literature Society Showcase in the UEA Hive.  I had organised the one last summer pretty much single-handedly, but this time the whole committee got involved to make this one a success – and I think we pulled it off!  I was worried at first about the performers turning up, the audience turning up, and whether the equipment set-up would be okay.

The only thing that disappointed me was that, after being so happy that so many people turned up that we ran out of chairs, loads of people left towards the end which I found really disrespectful to the last acts who had sat through most of the night waiting to perform.  Especially as I was really looking forward to Hannah Jane Walker and Russell J Turner performing and thought it would end the night on a high – which it did, but it also REALLY pissed me off that people had left!  I guess I’m still learning about how to organise events though.  Next time we’ll have to have fewer acts and end earlier.

There were quite a few performers I’d put on the bill that I’d never seen before, and a couple of cheeky personal favourites were Ashley Johnson (an amazing acoustic act with a beautiful voice), and Grenouilles (a blend of voices, guitar and violin with poignant lyrics) and Billy Hallet (comedy act with hilarious anecdotes of “youths”).

The bill itself included a lot of acts I was already familiar with (obviously, as I put the bill together) and so here’s a run down for anyone reading this to check out:

Ashley Johnson

Mother Superior

King Laconic

Fuchsia Saville

Break

Grenouilles

Amy Staniforth

Joshua Jones

Billy Hallett

Break

Sula Mae

Me!

Robyn Comfort

Break

Late Arrivals Club

Hannah Jane Walker

Russell J Turner

Jake Miller hosted the event, which worked well for most of it, but I think I needed to brief him more about the acts as there were a few awkward moments.  I found his introduction for me funny: ‘some may say the next act put on this event just so she could perform’… partly true I guess!!

I was about to upload some pictures but it doesn’t seem to be working and time is of essence haha!  Well, about my own performance that night… I hadn’t practiced so didn’t expect much of myself.  I picked ‘Space Station’ as I know it by heart, however in attempting not to look at the page, I ended up missing out a stanza or two.  I then read a new one ‘The Social Network’ but regret doing so and never want to read it again; I’m starting to realise some poems should be kept as personal and not read out.  Lastly, I did a poem-song ‘Fix It’ and thought I’d probably just read it since I’ve never sung in front of an audience, other than drunken karaoke.  Until now!  I ended up singing the chorus, as is meant to be, and although I was paranoid about the echo of the microphone and whether I was standing right, and moved away from it to try to sound okay… I was proud of myself!  So… that, and getting a 67 in my latest essay… almost makes up for the amount of hangovers I’ve had recently!  Though I am having nightmares about the next essay I’m due back where the mark morphed into different low numbers… all lower than 45!

Anyway, I’m due to write a review on Luke Wright now, wondering whether if he Googles his name after and ends up reading this.  Most of the time I don’t think about people actually reading this, which has its downside… tending to be when I mention names or let slip in some emotional rant about unrequited love.

xxx

The Social Network

I saw The Social Network  with one of my frexes (a word I made up for exes who are still friends) – oh shit!  I just looked it up, and it is a word already, well that’s good then! So yeah, I got way too much pick ‘n’ mix so have enough to last me until next week’s film (Exit Through the Gift Shop).  Anyway, the film was really interesting and entertaining.  I guess it was true to real life, and captured the hilarity of depressing situations.  I was disappointed by the role of women who were just there to have sex with in toilets, snort cocaine off and tell the anti-hero of the film that he’s actually not an “asshole” (he is).  However, I can’t really see female characters playing a major role in it, especially as it’s meant to be a true story and the founder of Facebook is meant to be a “computer nerd” so an absence of women is inevitable, ha!  The whole creation of the site was shown to stem from being dumped.  Okay, so there’s some positivity about life in there; though typically success = money, here.  The bottom line was said from the beginning by ex-girlfriend Erica “You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an asshole.”  By the end of the film, he is told by another minor female character that he is actually a nice guy.  Are we meant to sympathise with him?  I don’t know, but I still think he’s an “asshole”.  He screwed over his best friend.  And did it all the while making him believe he didn’t actually care about money.  Youngest billionaire.  ‘Nuff said.

After that I went to HEADcrash Cabaret at The Birdcage.  I won’t mention all the usual acts as there were a lot of UEA CWS members performing.  I enjoyed Christine York’s punk rock granny act, and she kind of reminded me of my own Gran, in the way that she referred to other older people with their slippers… something my Gran had commented on recently!  I’m actually going to be basing a short story for my Children’s Literature module on her because she’s such an inspiration.  By the by, I got a 67 on my last essay which I’m quite pleased with as I expected low 60s, and was scared after hearing the marks ranged from 55 to 75!  Anyway, I also enjoyed American poet Angela Robinson, who presented an interesting postcard poem that I really liked the idea of.  Lastly, Amy Nicholson, who is a comedian, was amazing and probably the best act of the night, and she did a poem at the end which was great! 

The evening made me think about confidence and how much difference it makes to performance and how I really wish I had more of it.  I’ve had a lot of people say stuff about how there’s so many people who are less talented and more confident.  So yeah, it doesn’t make sense but my shyness is part of me and I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of that element but I do wish I was more confident.  I am quite self-aware though, and have enough confidence in my ability to know that confidence is the main issue I need to improve on.  Though saying that, poem quality and memory also need much work!

I’ve had about 3 or 4 hours sleep and am feeling a bit hungover so this is probably not a good day to start coursework but I hope to do something productive other than buy a toaster and fruit which is all I’ve done so far.  I went on a Dance Squad and Rugby social last night.  It was Noah’s Arc themed and me and my new mate Charlotte went as pink butterflies.  She arrived first and when I got there it was just us and a load of Rugby guys.  As the alcohol flowed it got less weird but still felt like a bit of a school disco. 

We then had to get attached to a member of the opposite sex.  Charlotte got a bad vibe from one guy and as sod’s law would have it, I got attached to him!  To be honest, I was wanting to be attached to someone more attractive, so I was gutted for that reason.  Then Charlotte told him I needed to change my tampon.  I cannot imagine someone getting out of duck tape faster!  It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic that a guy could be scared of periods.  It became apparent that a lot of the rugby guys have menophobia, as the rumour circulated.  Funnily enough I had just come off my period.  I got a new partner and that’s how I knew that people were talking about me, and obviously, it was embarrassing… nobody wants to be known as ‘period girl’.  I’ll put it down to the fact this boy was 3 years younger than me that he bothered to ask if it were true, and when I told him I was on it the day before he said to someone ‘she’s on the blob.’ Nice.  Found out via Facebook (haha) that he has a girlfriend, so my logic that the guys cared about the period issue because of the possibility of getting laid is most likely wrong. It really is pathetic that these guys reacted like this to something that’s just a natural part of women. I mean, grow up!  The chants they were doing on the bus to town were pretty damn offensive to women, but Kat, one of our committee members made some really funny comments whilst making a point about their sexism.  It made me feel more lighthearted about the situation and off I went with my partner to the back seat of the bus… my first time piling on the backseat to the tune of “there was one on the backseat of the bus…” etc.

Anyway, this night has no relevance to anything but I feel like writing about it.  I’m meant to be keeping a record of what I drink but it kind of went out the window, and it’s kind of making me want to lie, which is bad.  So, I spent the night dancing, mainly with Charlotte.  We got laughed at for be refused champers from this guy because he didn’t know us by a group of black girls.  Their race only being relevent in this case because we both were pretty much made to feel like stupid white girls who can’t dance.  So, it felt a bit weird dancing next to them but I just tried not to care, I pretty much feel stupid dancing anyway but I enjoy it.  Even when Charlotte left, I went downstairs and then back up and danced on my own.  I got some funny looks, some guys flicking my antenna and a lot of pervy guys thinking they have the right to just touch me.  I guess because it is kind of weird dancing on your own, they probably thought I was too drunk to care.  Wrong.  It felt pretty liberating dancing on my own.  I was aware it would be funny to the outsider but it’s good to feel free.  Though, to quote Rousseau, everywhere we are in chains.

# One day we’ll float, take life as it comes #

MA Portfolio Help!

Hi, if anyone has the time, please read through and let me know if there are any which are really terrible. The first 6 are from a creative writing module I did which I got a first for so assuming they’re good.  For the rest, I really have no idea, some of the ones I usually perform are probably not good to submit but I’m so confused and really don’t know what’s good or bad, or even if I have enough good material or if I just write loads of crap and have very little good… that’s kind of how I feel with all the rejections from submissions I’ve had, feel like I have very little chance. Anyway, help! Please! Argh!

Plasticine

 

I remember the feeling of lying with you;

head nuzzled in your chest

like a human jigsaw puzzle,

our bodies moulded together.

The faint scent of yesterday’s cologne,

morning breath after midday

and the movement of breathing.

Hearts beating.

The slow rise

up and down.

I laugh along to the television screen

as the sound blurs behind your eyelids.

How it used to be.

I do

not

want

to

forget

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

 

The Very Hungry Caterpillar eats away at me.

each bite dulls my eyes,

a revolving merry-go-round in my mind,

repeating lines like π.

Tell me what I am.

Trapped Jack in a Box.

The comfort of darkness,

curled under the covers,

hoping the monster won’t get me.

I search and scramble for the edges of the hole,

to lift myself onto some solid earth.

Your hands still hold the rope wrapped around my stomach,

as with each step I take, you urge me to plummet,

and I long to turn the page.

 

 

Party Rings

 

It’s the

seven year old skin

of porcelain,

with a plastic ring

on every finger,

dipping into the icing

 of the cake,

wishes blowing in the wisp of smoke

from each candle.

It’s the passing of the parcel

where everyone gets a prize

and where a blown up balloon

is a symbol for happiness.

And dancing is just jumping

and games are just bumping

onto the floor.

It’s the photograph of a smiling girl

And the ever-present party rings

at birthdays.

Say goodbye to your childhood.

 

 The Photograph

 

“There must be a draft from the door,

‘cause in the room there’s a chill,

and the photograph’s edges peel, from the wall;

to press it back with Blu-Tak,

Or to simply

 

Let it fall?”

 

Baking Cake Alone

 

v  Press play

to keep a consistent flow of Music into your ears.

v  Take a large mixing bowl

and place in the measured out creamy butter.

v  Combine with 6 oz of caster sugar,

stir in with a pinch of I Will Go To The Gym Tomorrow.

v  Add 3 beaten eggs

and a line of sing-a-long All I wanted was a simple kind of life.

v  Next, sift in the flour.

v  Then fold it in with the eggs

like the rolls in your stomach, created by the apron strings.

v  Also sift in some cocoa powder, as desired,

along with the salt from Happy Tears.

v  Place in a greased cake tin,

bake for 30 minutes,

then eat like the fat boy in Matilda.

v  Serving suggestion: especially good in front of A Repeat Episode of Friends.

 

Dreams

 

My oldest friend,

you cried on the bed in my childhood home,

and I joined you, unsure, of what the tears were for,

but neither of us were crying alone.

So we cried and we cried and we cried

until our tears must have formed a pool

and Latchmere’s wave machine engulfed us inside,

so that the saltiness smelt like chlorine

and we had a place to

breathe

and

hide.

But the waves,

the waves were just like the sea.

And we swam and swam and swam

until we were stressed and dressed like waitresses

but we didn’t know what to do.

so we thought back to the memories of the pool.

the warm wetness of the water, sliding over our skin,

tears running down cheeks,

hands moving over heads to reach,

and smiles spread across each of our faces.

 

The Mirror

 

My face cold and pale

I levitate above my bed

to feel the empty space surround me.

Why do I always see you when I’m ill?

I close my eyes

and I feel the faint warmth of your body like fever.

I have met strangers sat on fences.

They claimed to love me

but I just blew them away with the smoke from my cigarette.

I have been shouted at by other women.

I ran away into the shower

and it sang to me then laughed at me

as it took away the water,

and I joined in

because there is not much else you can do

when a shower head is mocking you in your nakedness.

Our son looks like you.

He stares into mirrors, recites criticisms of Rousseau

and stands beside the burning bush

but I am water,

as I wash my hair it hangs down

and drip drip drips.

and I become soluble in the room

which is all dripping.

The mirrors crash to the ground

like sea waves hitting sandy bays.

You left me.

You left me standing in a tangle of long grass;

so far away and small.

I will become a simple strand of grass,

blowing in the wind as it rushes by the fields

like thin glass mirrors of green,

reflecting one another:

I blend into insignificance.

 

Autumn Leaves

Spitting leaves since the bonfire

left like a Guy burning

forked

to the spot. Smoke

choking me for all the words

you wouldn’t let out,

stuffed up inside me

cotton mouthed

like that dumb toy animal

you bought back when you got me birthday presents,

wrapped up with

a dress so small I broke the zip

trying to make it fit

and you replaced it, like you’ve done with me now.

Something new, still nice,

but not quite the same,

not quite as good, not quite…

too much,

a girl that you can take,

doesn’t burn so bright, a firework

when set alight

doesn’t rise quite as high,

but as you watch me fade and die,

beside her at the back of your mind,

do you repeat the way I shined

like the pattern of our bodies

intertwined.

Roots

 

My roots are more than the people in my bloodline,

more than a diagram of my family tree.

They are in my ink stained name at the bottom of a love letter

filled with drawings and poems and random thoughts

all scrawled with desire of wanting to share everything I can.

My roots are the curl of the C,

the curl of my hair,

and the waves I have swam through

and the wetness of my cheeks

from downward eyes and quivering lips.

My roots are in my laugh, my smile, and my skin;

in my seasick stomach,

my loaded liver

and my beating, blood-pumping, jumping heart.

My roots are a love of olives and omelettes and paella and tapas bars.

give me sweet sangria, good music and great friends,

a shyness that shines

not a shyness that defines.

Bull star signs and red fabric of sex and passion and blood

All draped over me like the emperor’s new clothes.

My roots are gravy over everything,

baths and showers full of gravy,

rivers and lakes and scuba diving tanks.

Spinning round in tea cups

and breaking saucers.

My roots are words words words,

reading and poetry and essays,

talking and shouting and not getting a word in edgeways.

My roots are art,

sculptures and paint splatting and CSM.

Drip drip drip

into colouring books and dot-to-dots.

My roots are musical notes and little songs,

bringing on the trumpets from my grandad’s brass band.

The tinkle of his father’s piano fades with memory,

and I wish I could play but all I have is a DVD and a dusty keyboard

and amputated arms;

my hands running away from ticking clocks whilst my laptop melts.

My roots are present through my bark to my branches to my leaves,

even when fallen,

even when the wind sweeps them away and scatters them among the earth.

My roots are everywhere I am.

Cinderella

 

These days

Cinderella stays

out past midnight

gets into a catfight

covers up her love bite

with her long hair

as she stumbles on each stair

and she doesn’t really care.

What you lookin’ at? she says

with holes in her tights, wearing last night’s dress

as she gets on the bus

better not make a fuss

‘cause she kinda looks like she could throw a punch

and has acrylic nails that’d make you bleed

and straighteners so powerful: could make your hair recede

and as she bends down to adjust her shoe

you better pray she’s not coming after you!

In the street she stumbles again,

her slippers not made of glass,

trips on the uneven pavement

and nearly falls onto her arse.

She flicks her heels off in frustration

and lets her soles get dirty.

Her stomach is rumbling badly

as it’s coming up to three thirty

and she hasn’t had a bite to eat

and all she wants is put up her feet

but other than that her life is sweet.

So sometimes I wish I was like Cinderella,

she drops her shoe and soon after gets a fella.

But he always disappears after one night

with his true love Stella.

 

Recipe for Pills

 

A grain of Medication

to target whatever it may be

you want fixing.

A spoonful of sugar

because Mary Poppins knows best.

She is Practically Perfect in Every Way;

you are comatose in bed

and have lost your rosy-red cheeks,

face painted with canvas primer.

Now.

You’re going to need a gallon of False Hope,

and the Concerned Smiles of Family and Friends,

but leave out the Tears Behind Closed Doors.

Next, add hours of Rest,

lucky for you, exercise was never a great source of pleasure.

A dose of Daytime TV

and a handful of grapes.

One of your five-a-day.

Add seven glasses of water.

place into a large saucepan,

stir gently on a low heat.

Leave in the fridge overnight to cool.

By morning it should have crystallized, but still be soft.

Insert five grams of the mixture into capsules.

Once finished, put into plastic containers.

Take twice daily.

Note: there may be side effects.

Passing Time

 

Pass the condoms.

Pass the salt.

I cannot come.

It’s not your fault.

I’m over here.

I’m over there.

While I remove

your underwear.

It’s been so long

and I am weak.

I just want touch,

so just don’t speak.

Squeeze my arse,

slide inside and thrust.

this is not love;

it’s only lust.

And it feels good.

better than drinking.

I may not come

but it stops me thinking.

Fancy Dress

 

In this same natural fancy dress,

always propping the same face on the same palms

and letting it be reflected from the looking glass.

I am a doll.

Drawing and colouring in my face.

Mouth poised

ready for a kiss.

Ringlets ready to get messed up.

I am wearing my party dress.

I am rage.

Screaming in my ears.

Red and black.

Ripped fishnets.

Metal ready to draw blood.

I am wearing my armour.

I am a whore.

Flesh exposed.

Easy access through this silk

slip a hand high on my thigh,

I won’t mind.

I am wearing my sex, or is it gender?

I am an intellectual.

Glasses and BHDs.

Book in hand.

Pen in mouth.

I am wearing my pencil skirt.

I am nu-rave and nu-grave.

I can’t decide.

Bright colours.

Dark black.

I am wearing a way to hide.

I am ghetto.

Hoop earrings on show.

Mispronouncing my words

that my mother tells me end in t.

I am wearing roots and childhood tracksuits.

I am a dancer.

Leggings, leotard

and legs spread.

Cartwheels in your head,

to make you think I’m good in bed.

I am wearing music.

I am a drama queen

my mouth wide open.

Microphone, loudspeaker,

spotlight, audience.

I am wearing a mask.

I am a sailor.

Anchor round my neck.

Thinking cap.

Google map.

And ready to take you away.

I am wearing stripes of past mockery.

I am a poet.

Let me read to you.

I am naked.

I give you ugliness.

I give you beauty.

I am wearing everything all at once.

Claymore

 

Claymore welcomes you with white walls

but you hand over your paints at the door.

We give you pills for those days

when you want to cry on the floor.

We’re very nice like that.

You’re not normal, you’re not healthy

but here we’ll make you better.

You can’t just leave of your own accord

because you’ve signed the consent letter.

We watch you while you’re shaving

to make sure you don’t slit your wrists.

It’s for your own good,

so put down your fighting fists.

The place we call the living room

has the Dead Poet’s Society, for you to watch on the TV,

but outside the doors, you can be wild as dogs

under the supervision of me.

Guns aren’t lawful, nooses give.

Gas smells awful, so you might as well live.

 

Live but say no to love

because soon you’ll fit right in.

Marriage would only hit you

in the head, with a rolling pin.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.

I’m half crazy, but darling, look at you.

 

Hanging from the ceiling

can sometimes be appealing,

But it can all be made better,

if you just tell us how you’re feeling.

CWS Scream Poetry Night – UEA Grad Bar

I found out at the weekend that Luke Wright, John Osborne and Tim Clare were going to be performing at this Creative Writing Society event.   I’d recently been told An ex-boyfriend I still care (too much) about has a new girlfriend and was half wanting to read a whole set of poems about him and half wanting to read nothing to do with him, prior to finding out that these poetry celebrities were attending.  Oh hiya, curator of Latitude poetry stage… I think I might think a bit more about what I’m going to read now. So, I thought vaguely thematically and did a couple I read quite regularly; The Mirror and Space Station.  Plus, two I’d never read before; Ghosts on Stairways and 90s Kidz.  Okay, so two poems about the ex, but they were good choices, I think.

The Mirror has been published in the Poetry Rivals 2010 anthology, and as I was disappointed by the standard of the other poetry included, I’m hoping I’m in the top 100 that get to perform.  I’d read afterwards warnings not to enter the competition, but seeing as I know half of last year’s judges, I thought it can’t be that bad… apart from the paying for your own copy of the book instead of actually getting paid!

Anyway, acts that stood out that I hadn’t seen before to my knowledge, were Amanda Gosling and Leo Hunt.  Both prose acts, which is a more difficult task than reading poetry, and yet, they stood out the most.  The Aisle 16 members obviously stood out like a sore thumb and I felt stupidly starstruck, as I am shy at the best of times.  I was happy with my own performance, but obviously looking back at the video is never as good, plus I stumbled on a couple of lines (once in Space Station, which I know of my heart, but then again I had zero time to practice!)  I was comforted by the professionals’ own stumblings though.

So, the next event will probably be 22nd November at the UEA Hive, which is an event I’m putting on for LitSoc with poetry, comedy and music.  Also, Aisle 16 are doing a birthday gig for FREE at the York Tavern which is across the road from me, yay!

Carmina

xxx

Sorry

On Monday I was to go to Hannah Jane Walker’s show This is just to say at The Book Hive in Norwich. I was meant to be going with a fellow student and poet who shall remain nameless because I am learning that mentioning such things should be left to the bitter world of Blair and Chuck in Gossip Girl.  Part of me wishes I could be as big a bitch as Blair, so I guess I love her character because it feels so good to indulge in such fantasy.  Then again, I strive to be nice, partly because I want to be liked, but equally because niceness is underrated, and if everyone was a bit nicer the world would be a better place.  Maybe we’d make less apologies, or maybe we’d make more.

So, having had no response from two people I thought were going to the show, I ended up finishing the bottle of wine I started, with the logic that I would somehow go out afterwards, that at least one of these people would turn up and I’d have an amazing night without spending any more money.  However, I was alone with a group of strangers.  Then again, that was one of the points of the show.

We gathered around the table.  More wine. Great!  After two later-comers turned into no-shows, Hannah started the show.  She glided between poems and speeches about apologies, and in between the audience around the table interacted and we all made our own apologies; apologies we wanted to make, ones we wanted to receive, and some made up.

I was honest with my apologies.  Though I may have many more to make, it was to someone I feel deeply for and am simultaneously frustrated by and grateful for their friendship.  I’d had an argument with them months ago, which he later said was “water under the bridge” when I brought it up, so what did surprise me was that my apology was in relation to that: “Sorry I reacted when you said fuck off, because I love you” – a statement that can be taken two different ways, and even I’m unsure of which way I meant it. 

The second apology was in connection to someone I am no longer friends with.  Although the person remains in Facebook news feeds, like the roots of dyed hair, we both know the truth.  I was surprised that of all the apologies I thought I was owed, this is the one that came up – something which another member of the group also expressed.  Though I feel like I have moved on, I guess there will always be that hurt, and the sense of wasted time, and it comes out in my dreams… and on nights like these.

The whole evening is something I have never experienced as a poetry performance format.  It was really interesting to go to – unique and special.  Hannah’s poetry is always a pleasure to hear, but was very much suited to this intimate environment, gathered round a table, wine-pouring between strangers, with scattered fairylights and paper apologies.

After the show, I texted madly and confused myself in my drunken haze.  I ended up at the Rose Tavern where the LOL comedy show was on with a couple of university friends.  One act was described as a poetry-comedian.  I made a noise… not sure what kind of noise, half laugh, half pretentious-hah-so-you-call-yourself-a-poet-noise.  This drew attention to me, despite me thinking I wasn’t that loud, I think I misjudge my own volume when drunk.  I also had another glass of wine. Good one.  Not.

I don’t remember the details of conversations after that, but I started walking back home with the two guys I was with.  I must have forgotten they no longer live two doors down from me as I walked with them too far, and so decided to invite myself back to their house.  I entertained more of my friends with my drunken ramblings.  I was very embarrassed the next day, but at least they had a laugh before they went to bed.

What’s worse is that I ended the night repeatedly calling a boy to come out of his house to continue the night further at my house.  It wasn’t quite getting through to me that it was nearly 1am and he was in bed about to go to sleep to at least get a good 5 hours.  Oh yes, and this was all on the day I had my first NORCAS meeting (a drugs and alcohol counselling service).  Yes, I know, I’m not an alcoholic, I don’t have any more of a problem than the majority of university students.  However, I do want to cut down and stop the extremes situations I get into when I’m past-drunk.  So, it’s a bit of an experiment.

On another note, my hair is growing out and I’m thinking of getting another dramatic haircut in the new year.  I want to think of a short hairstyle that will suit me – curly hair doesn’t do short hair that well!

Anyway, I’ve said too much already!

xxx

National Poetry Day

To celebrate National Poetry Day, as secretary of LitSoc at UEA, I organised a reading session for people to share any poetry they liked in a nice, relaxed environment.  We put up fairy lights and lamps, and set out rugs, cushions, snacks… and FREE WINE!  Here’s a picture of some of the committee members there… just under twenty people turned up in the end.  I would have liked lots more, but there we are.

Aside from the regular people reading, fellow committee member and some of her friends read, as well as a couple of freshers and Josh Jones, who has never read before and is now addicted and now has his first collection of poetry out – Thought Disorder

All in all, a good time was had.   Here is a video of me blogging a bit about it, and doing a (pretty bad) reading of a couple of the poems I did on the night as I didn’t film any of it, and it’s a rare thing for me to read Benjamin Zephaniah and Kate Nash.

Carmina

xxx

CWS Speakeasy at The Birdcage

 I arrived at the familar setting of the Birdcage and already there was only the floor left to sit on.  The crowd grew so much that there was no room, as people stood in the doorway.  John Simpson Wedge was hosting, and did a great job with jokes and little poems of his own.  Hasina Allen, Jennifer Grey and Cora Benzie started the night off to a great standard as expected. 

Greta Healy and Christopher Ogden followed after the first break, and I mentioned them both at the last Birdcage event. Emma Webb was next, and I enjoyed her set, and her love of West Ham (which I also “support” due to my dad being a big fan) though I don’t follow football so it’s more moral support haha.

I was up next, decked out in 1920’s style dress, I explained that we were asked to do that – though I like dressing up so wasn’t fussed that not many others actually did it!  I wore a cream dress with matching shoes – not a flapper dress, but a similar ’20s shape.  I also wore my fascinator – any excuse to wear it, as I love it – I got it for my 19th birthday, specially handmade by a Spitalfields Market stall-holder.  I also had a white feather boa – I would have prefered my black one from New York’s Screaming Mimi’s but I can’t find it anywhere – gutted, as it was mega over-priced!

Anyway, less about clothes… I enjoyed my set.  I had a cold, but then so did everyone else really.  I performed my creative writing module pieces from last term, which I never had read out as they are more “page” than “stage” poems.  To pick up the pace, I read Space Station, which I pretty much known by heart now.  I then did newbie Drama, and a plug for an event LitSoc are putting on tonight, and then had time for an unplanned reading of White Lines.  I got a decent amount of compliments, particularly for Space Station, and the rhythm of my performance.  I think maybe because I knew it by heart it was well liked, or maybe because it’s quite emotional and raw.

 Christopher Young was next, and read prose, which many people thought was surprisingly entertaining, as it can be harder to follow prose. I can’t remember seeing him before, but he was really good.  Catherine Woodward was next, and in the past I’ve not been blown away, I thought she was great that night, really engaging. Maybe I was blinded by jealousy before haha, since she gets quite a lot published!

Robyn Comfort was again one to watch – sadly no singing this time though. Josephine Lister delivered her set with confidence, although I can’t remember if I’ve seen her before, I think confidence makes up a lot of how good someone’s set is… I hope I’ve grown in confidence haha! Laurie Eaves was the best I’ve ever seen him, he has improved so much in such short time.  I wondered where he practices because that’s a problem for me, as I like it when other people are out the house!  His set was pretty much perfect, very well prepared and everything went together so well.

CWS were filming the night so hopefully it’ll be up on YouTube at some point in the near future!

Carmina

xxx