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The Social Network

I saw The Social Network  with one of my frexes (a word I made up for exes who are still friends) – oh shit!  I just looked it up, and it is a word already, well that’s good then! So yeah, I got way too much pick ‘n’ mix so have enough to last me until next week’s film (Exit Through the Gift Shop).  Anyway, the film was really interesting and entertaining.  I guess it was true to real life, and captured the hilarity of depressing situations.  I was disappointed by the role of women who were just there to have sex with in toilets, snort cocaine off and tell the anti-hero of the film that he’s actually not an “asshole” (he is).  However, I can’t really see female characters playing a major role in it, especially as it’s meant to be a true story and the founder of Facebook is meant to be a “computer nerd” so an absence of women is inevitable, ha!  The whole creation of the site was shown to stem from being dumped.  Okay, so there’s some positivity about life in there; though typically success = money, here.  The bottom line was said from the beginning by ex-girlfriend Erica “You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an asshole.”  By the end of the film, he is told by another minor female character that he is actually a nice guy.  Are we meant to sympathise with him?  I don’t know, but I still think he’s an “asshole”.  He screwed over his best friend.  And did it all the while making him believe he didn’t actually care about money.  Youngest billionaire.  ‘Nuff said.

After that I went to HEADcrash Cabaret at The Birdcage.  I won’t mention all the usual acts as there were a lot of UEA CWS members performing.  I enjoyed Christine York’s punk rock granny act, and she kind of reminded me of my own Gran, in the way that she referred to other older people with their slippers… something my Gran had commented on recently!  I’m actually going to be basing a short story for my Children’s Literature module on her because she’s such an inspiration.  By the by, I got a 67 on my last essay which I’m quite pleased with as I expected low 60s, and was scared after hearing the marks ranged from 55 to 75!  Anyway, I also enjoyed American poet Angela Robinson, who presented an interesting postcard poem that I really liked the idea of.  Lastly, Amy Nicholson, who is a comedian, was amazing and probably the best act of the night, and she did a poem at the end which was great! 

The evening made me think about confidence and how much difference it makes to performance and how I really wish I had more of it.  I’ve had a lot of people say stuff about how there’s so many people who are less talented and more confident.  So yeah, it doesn’t make sense but my shyness is part of me and I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of that element but I do wish I was more confident.  I am quite self-aware though, and have enough confidence in my ability to know that confidence is the main issue I need to improve on.  Though saying that, poem quality and memory also need much work!

I’ve had about 3 or 4 hours sleep and am feeling a bit hungover so this is probably not a good day to start coursework but I hope to do something productive other than buy a toaster and fruit which is all I’ve done so far.  I went on a Dance Squad and Rugby social last night.  It was Noah’s Arc themed and me and my new mate Charlotte went as pink butterflies.  She arrived first and when I got there it was just us and a load of Rugby guys.  As the alcohol flowed it got less weird but still felt like a bit of a school disco. 

We then had to get attached to a member of the opposite sex.  Charlotte got a bad vibe from one guy and as sod’s law would have it, I got attached to him!  To be honest, I was wanting to be attached to someone more attractive, so I was gutted for that reason.  Then Charlotte told him I needed to change my tampon.  I cannot imagine someone getting out of duck tape faster!  It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic that a guy could be scared of periods.  It became apparent that a lot of the rugby guys have menophobia, as the rumour circulated.  Funnily enough I had just come off my period.  I got a new partner and that’s how I knew that people were talking about me, and obviously, it was embarrassing… nobody wants to be known as ‘period girl’.  I’ll put it down to the fact this boy was 3 years younger than me that he bothered to ask if it were true, and when I told him I was on it the day before he said to someone ‘she’s on the blob.’ Nice.  Found out via Facebook (haha) that he has a girlfriend, so my logic that the guys cared about the period issue because of the possibility of getting laid is most likely wrong. It really is pathetic that these guys reacted like this to something that’s just a natural part of women. I mean, grow up!  The chants they were doing on the bus to town were pretty damn offensive to women, but Kat, one of our committee members made some really funny comments whilst making a point about their sexism.  It made me feel more lighthearted about the situation and off I went with my partner to the back seat of the bus… my first time piling on the backseat to the tune of “there was one on the backseat of the bus…” etc.

Anyway, this night has no relevance to anything but I feel like writing about it.  I’m meant to be keeping a record of what I drink but it kind of went out the window, and it’s kind of making me want to lie, which is bad.  So, I spent the night dancing, mainly with Charlotte.  We got laughed at for be refused champers from this guy because he didn’t know us by a group of black girls.  Their race only being relevent in this case because we both were pretty much made to feel like stupid white girls who can’t dance.  So, it felt a bit weird dancing next to them but I just tried not to care, I pretty much feel stupid dancing anyway but I enjoy it.  Even when Charlotte left, I went downstairs and then back up and danced on my own.  I got some funny looks, some guys flicking my antenna and a lot of pervy guys thinking they have the right to just touch me.  I guess because it is kind of weird dancing on your own, they probably thought I was too drunk to care.  Wrong.  It felt pretty liberating dancing on my own.  I was aware it would be funny to the outsider but it’s good to feel free.  Though, to quote Rousseau, everywhere we are in chains.

# One day we’ll float, take life as it comes #

MA Portfolio Help!

Hi, if anyone has the time, please read through and let me know if there are any which are really terrible. The first 6 are from a creative writing module I did which I got a first for so assuming they’re good.  For the rest, I really have no idea, some of the ones I usually perform are probably not good to submit but I’m so confused and really don’t know what’s good or bad, or even if I have enough good material or if I just write loads of crap and have very little good… that’s kind of how I feel with all the rejections from submissions I’ve had, feel like I have very little chance. Anyway, help! Please! Argh!

Plasticine

 

I remember the feeling of lying with you;

head nuzzled in your chest

like a human jigsaw puzzle,

our bodies moulded together.

The faint scent of yesterday’s cologne,

morning breath after midday

and the movement of breathing.

Hearts beating.

The slow rise

up and down.

I laugh along to the television screen

as the sound blurs behind your eyelids.

How it used to be.

I do

not

want

to

forget

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

 

The Very Hungry Caterpillar eats away at me.

each bite dulls my eyes,

a revolving merry-go-round in my mind,

repeating lines like π.

Tell me what I am.

Trapped Jack in a Box.

The comfort of darkness,

curled under the covers,

hoping the monster won’t get me.

I search and scramble for the edges of the hole,

to lift myself onto some solid earth.

Your hands still hold the rope wrapped around my stomach,

as with each step I take, you urge me to plummet,

and I long to turn the page.

 

 

Party Rings

 

It’s the

seven year old skin

of porcelain,

with a plastic ring

on every finger,

dipping into the icing

 of the cake,

wishes blowing in the wisp of smoke

from each candle.

It’s the passing of the parcel

where everyone gets a prize

and where a blown up balloon

is a symbol for happiness.

And dancing is just jumping

and games are just bumping

onto the floor.

It’s the photograph of a smiling girl

And the ever-present party rings

at birthdays.

Say goodbye to your childhood.

 

 The Photograph

 

“There must be a draft from the door,

‘cause in the room there’s a chill,

and the photograph’s edges peel, from the wall;

to press it back with Blu-Tak,

Or to simply

 

Let it fall?”

 

Baking Cake Alone

 

v  Press play

to keep a consistent flow of Music into your ears.

v  Take a large mixing bowl

and place in the measured out creamy butter.

v  Combine with 6 oz of caster sugar,

stir in with a pinch of I Will Go To The Gym Tomorrow.

v  Add 3 beaten eggs

and a line of sing-a-long All I wanted was a simple kind of life.

v  Next, sift in the flour.

v  Then fold it in with the eggs

like the rolls in your stomach, created by the apron strings.

v  Also sift in some cocoa powder, as desired,

along with the salt from Happy Tears.

v  Place in a greased cake tin,

bake for 30 minutes,

then eat like the fat boy in Matilda.

v  Serving suggestion: especially good in front of A Repeat Episode of Friends.

 

Dreams

 

My oldest friend,

you cried on the bed in my childhood home,

and I joined you, unsure, of what the tears were for,

but neither of us were crying alone.

So we cried and we cried and we cried

until our tears must have formed a pool

and Latchmere’s wave machine engulfed us inside,

so that the saltiness smelt like chlorine

and we had a place to

breathe

and

hide.

But the waves,

the waves were just like the sea.

And we swam and swam and swam

until we were stressed and dressed like waitresses

but we didn’t know what to do.

so we thought back to the memories of the pool.

the warm wetness of the water, sliding over our skin,

tears running down cheeks,

hands moving over heads to reach,

and smiles spread across each of our faces.

 

The Mirror

 

My face cold and pale

I levitate above my bed

to feel the empty space surround me.

Why do I always see you when I’m ill?

I close my eyes

and I feel the faint warmth of your body like fever.

I have met strangers sat on fences.

They claimed to love me

but I just blew them away with the smoke from my cigarette.

I have been shouted at by other women.

I ran away into the shower

and it sang to me then laughed at me

as it took away the water,

and I joined in

because there is not much else you can do

when a shower head is mocking you in your nakedness.

Our son looks like you.

He stares into mirrors, recites criticisms of Rousseau

and stands beside the burning bush

but I am water,

as I wash my hair it hangs down

and drip drip drips.

and I become soluble in the room

which is all dripping.

The mirrors crash to the ground

like sea waves hitting sandy bays.

You left me.

You left me standing in a tangle of long grass;

so far away and small.

I will become a simple strand of grass,

blowing in the wind as it rushes by the fields

like thin glass mirrors of green,

reflecting one another:

I blend into insignificance.

 

Autumn Leaves

Spitting leaves since the bonfire

left like a Guy burning

forked

to the spot. Smoke

choking me for all the words

you wouldn’t let out,

stuffed up inside me

cotton mouthed

like that dumb toy animal

you bought back when you got me birthday presents,

wrapped up with

a dress so small I broke the zip

trying to make it fit

and you replaced it, like you’ve done with me now.

Something new, still nice,

but not quite the same,

not quite as good, not quite…

too much,

a girl that you can take,

doesn’t burn so bright, a firework

when set alight

doesn’t rise quite as high,

but as you watch me fade and die,

beside her at the back of your mind,

do you repeat the way I shined

like the pattern of our bodies

intertwined.

Roots

 

My roots are more than the people in my bloodline,

more than a diagram of my family tree.

They are in my ink stained name at the bottom of a love letter

filled with drawings and poems and random thoughts

all scrawled with desire of wanting to share everything I can.

My roots are the curl of the C,

the curl of my hair,

and the waves I have swam through

and the wetness of my cheeks

from downward eyes and quivering lips.

My roots are in my laugh, my smile, and my skin;

in my seasick stomach,

my loaded liver

and my beating, blood-pumping, jumping heart.

My roots are a love of olives and omelettes and paella and tapas bars.

give me sweet sangria, good music and great friends,

a shyness that shines

not a shyness that defines.

Bull star signs and red fabric of sex and passion and blood

All draped over me like the emperor’s new clothes.

My roots are gravy over everything,

baths and showers full of gravy,

rivers and lakes and scuba diving tanks.

Spinning round in tea cups

and breaking saucers.

My roots are words words words,

reading and poetry and essays,

talking and shouting and not getting a word in edgeways.

My roots are art,

sculptures and paint splatting and CSM.

Drip drip drip

into colouring books and dot-to-dots.

My roots are musical notes and little songs,

bringing on the trumpets from my grandad’s brass band.

The tinkle of his father’s piano fades with memory,

and I wish I could play but all I have is a DVD and a dusty keyboard

and amputated arms;

my hands running away from ticking clocks whilst my laptop melts.

My roots are present through my bark to my branches to my leaves,

even when fallen,

even when the wind sweeps them away and scatters them among the earth.

My roots are everywhere I am.

Cinderella

 

These days

Cinderella stays

out past midnight

gets into a catfight

covers up her love bite

with her long hair

as she stumbles on each stair

and she doesn’t really care.

What you lookin’ at? she says

with holes in her tights, wearing last night’s dress

as she gets on the bus

better not make a fuss

‘cause she kinda looks like she could throw a punch

and has acrylic nails that’d make you bleed

and straighteners so powerful: could make your hair recede

and as she bends down to adjust her shoe

you better pray she’s not coming after you!

In the street she stumbles again,

her slippers not made of glass,

trips on the uneven pavement

and nearly falls onto her arse.

She flicks her heels off in frustration

and lets her soles get dirty.

Her stomach is rumbling badly

as it’s coming up to three thirty

and she hasn’t had a bite to eat

and all she wants is put up her feet

but other than that her life is sweet.

So sometimes I wish I was like Cinderella,

she drops her shoe and soon after gets a fella.

But he always disappears after one night

with his true love Stella.

 

Recipe for Pills

 

A grain of Medication

to target whatever it may be

you want fixing.

A spoonful of sugar

because Mary Poppins knows best.

She is Practically Perfect in Every Way;

you are comatose in bed

and have lost your rosy-red cheeks,

face painted with canvas primer.

Now.

You’re going to need a gallon of False Hope,

and the Concerned Smiles of Family and Friends,

but leave out the Tears Behind Closed Doors.

Next, add hours of Rest,

lucky for you, exercise was never a great source of pleasure.

A dose of Daytime TV

and a handful of grapes.

One of your five-a-day.

Add seven glasses of water.

place into a large saucepan,

stir gently on a low heat.

Leave in the fridge overnight to cool.

By morning it should have crystallized, but still be soft.

Insert five grams of the mixture into capsules.

Once finished, put into plastic containers.

Take twice daily.

Note: there may be side effects.

Passing Time

 

Pass the condoms.

Pass the salt.

I cannot come.

It’s not your fault.

I’m over here.

I’m over there.

While I remove

your underwear.

It’s been so long

and I am weak.

I just want touch,

so just don’t speak.

Squeeze my arse,

slide inside and thrust.

this is not love;

it’s only lust.

And it feels good.

better than drinking.

I may not come

but it stops me thinking.

Fancy Dress

 

In this same natural fancy dress,

always propping the same face on the same palms

and letting it be reflected from the looking glass.

I am a doll.

Drawing and colouring in my face.

Mouth poised

ready for a kiss.

Ringlets ready to get messed up.

I am wearing my party dress.

I am rage.

Screaming in my ears.

Red and black.

Ripped fishnets.

Metal ready to draw blood.

I am wearing my armour.

I am a whore.

Flesh exposed.

Easy access through this silk

slip a hand high on my thigh,

I won’t mind.

I am wearing my sex, or is it gender?

I am an intellectual.

Glasses and BHDs.

Book in hand.

Pen in mouth.

I am wearing my pencil skirt.

I am nu-rave and nu-grave.

I can’t decide.

Bright colours.

Dark black.

I am wearing a way to hide.

I am ghetto.

Hoop earrings on show.

Mispronouncing my words

that my mother tells me end in t.

I am wearing roots and childhood tracksuits.

I am a dancer.

Leggings, leotard

and legs spread.

Cartwheels in your head,

to make you think I’m good in bed.

I am wearing music.

I am a drama queen

my mouth wide open.

Microphone, loudspeaker,

spotlight, audience.

I am wearing a mask.

I am a sailor.

Anchor round my neck.

Thinking cap.

Google map.

And ready to take you away.

I am wearing stripes of past mockery.

I am a poet.

Let me read to you.

I am naked.

I give you ugliness.

I give you beauty.

I am wearing everything all at once.

Claymore

 

Claymore welcomes you with white walls

but you hand over your paints at the door.

We give you pills for those days

when you want to cry on the floor.

We’re very nice like that.

You’re not normal, you’re not healthy

but here we’ll make you better.

You can’t just leave of your own accord

because you’ve signed the consent letter.

We watch you while you’re shaving

to make sure you don’t slit your wrists.

It’s for your own good,

so put down your fighting fists.

The place we call the living room

has the Dead Poet’s Society, for you to watch on the TV,

but outside the doors, you can be wild as dogs

under the supervision of me.

Guns aren’t lawful, nooses give.

Gas smells awful, so you might as well live.

 

Live but say no to love

because soon you’ll fit right in.

Marriage would only hit you

in the head, with a rolling pin.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.

I’m half crazy, but darling, look at you.

 

Hanging from the ceiling

can sometimes be appealing,

But it can all be made better,

if you just tell us how you’re feeling.

CWS Scream Poetry Night – UEA Grad Bar

I found out at the weekend that Luke Wright, John Osborne and Tim Clare were going to be performing at this Creative Writing Society event.   I’d recently been told An ex-boyfriend I still care (too much) about has a new girlfriend and was half wanting to read a whole set of poems about him and half wanting to read nothing to do with him, prior to finding out that these poetry celebrities were attending.  Oh hiya, curator of Latitude poetry stage… I think I might think a bit more about what I’m going to read now. So, I thought vaguely thematically and did a couple I read quite regularly; The Mirror and Space Station.  Plus, two I’d never read before; Ghosts on Stairways and 90s Kidz.  Okay, so two poems about the ex, but they were good choices, I think.

The Mirror has been published in the Poetry Rivals 2010 anthology, and as I was disappointed by the standard of the other poetry included, I’m hoping I’m in the top 100 that get to perform.  I’d read afterwards warnings not to enter the competition, but seeing as I know half of last year’s judges, I thought it can’t be that bad… apart from the paying for your own copy of the book instead of actually getting paid!

Anyway, acts that stood out that I hadn’t seen before to my knowledge, were Amanda Gosling and Leo Hunt.  Both prose acts, which is a more difficult task than reading poetry, and yet, they stood out the most.  The Aisle 16 members obviously stood out like a sore thumb and I felt stupidly starstruck, as I am shy at the best of times.  I was happy with my own performance, but obviously looking back at the video is never as good, plus I stumbled on a couple of lines (once in Space Station, which I know of my heart, but then again I had zero time to practice!)  I was comforted by the professionals’ own stumblings though.

So, the next event will probably be 22nd November at the UEA Hive, which is an event I’m putting on for LitSoc with poetry, comedy and music.  Also, Aisle 16 are doing a birthday gig for FREE at the York Tavern which is across the road from me, yay!

Carmina

xxx

Sorry

On Monday I was to go to Hannah Jane Walker’s show This is just to say at The Book Hive in Norwich. I was meant to be going with a fellow student and poet who shall remain nameless because I am learning that mentioning such things should be left to the bitter world of Blair and Chuck in Gossip Girl.  Part of me wishes I could be as big a bitch as Blair, so I guess I love her character because it feels so good to indulge in such fantasy.  Then again, I strive to be nice, partly because I want to be liked, but equally because niceness is underrated, and if everyone was a bit nicer the world would be a better place.  Maybe we’d make less apologies, or maybe we’d make more.

So, having had no response from two people I thought were going to the show, I ended up finishing the bottle of wine I started, with the logic that I would somehow go out afterwards, that at least one of these people would turn up and I’d have an amazing night without spending any more money.  However, I was alone with a group of strangers.  Then again, that was one of the points of the show.

We gathered around the table.  More wine. Great!  After two later-comers turned into no-shows, Hannah started the show.  She glided between poems and speeches about apologies, and in between the audience around the table interacted and we all made our own apologies; apologies we wanted to make, ones we wanted to receive, and some made up.

I was honest with my apologies.  Though I may have many more to make, it was to someone I feel deeply for and am simultaneously frustrated by and grateful for their friendship.  I’d had an argument with them months ago, which he later said was “water under the bridge” when I brought it up, so what did surprise me was that my apology was in relation to that: “Sorry I reacted when you said fuck off, because I love you” – a statement that can be taken two different ways, and even I’m unsure of which way I meant it. 

The second apology was in connection to someone I am no longer friends with.  Although the person remains in Facebook news feeds, like the roots of dyed hair, we both know the truth.  I was surprised that of all the apologies I thought I was owed, this is the one that came up – something which another member of the group also expressed.  Though I feel like I have moved on, I guess there will always be that hurt, and the sense of wasted time, and it comes out in my dreams… and on nights like these.

The whole evening is something I have never experienced as a poetry performance format.  It was really interesting to go to – unique and special.  Hannah’s poetry is always a pleasure to hear, but was very much suited to this intimate environment, gathered round a table, wine-pouring between strangers, with scattered fairylights and paper apologies.

After the show, I texted madly and confused myself in my drunken haze.  I ended up at the Rose Tavern where the LOL comedy show was on with a couple of university friends.  One act was described as a poetry-comedian.  I made a noise… not sure what kind of noise, half laugh, half pretentious-hah-so-you-call-yourself-a-poet-noise.  This drew attention to me, despite me thinking I wasn’t that loud, I think I misjudge my own volume when drunk.  I also had another glass of wine. Good one.  Not.

I don’t remember the details of conversations after that, but I started walking back home with the two guys I was with.  I must have forgotten they no longer live two doors down from me as I walked with them too far, and so decided to invite myself back to their house.  I entertained more of my friends with my drunken ramblings.  I was very embarrassed the next day, but at least they had a laugh before they went to bed.

What’s worse is that I ended the night repeatedly calling a boy to come out of his house to continue the night further at my house.  It wasn’t quite getting through to me that it was nearly 1am and he was in bed about to go to sleep to at least get a good 5 hours.  Oh yes, and this was all on the day I had my first NORCAS meeting (a drugs and alcohol counselling service).  Yes, I know, I’m not an alcoholic, I don’t have any more of a problem than the majority of university students.  However, I do want to cut down and stop the extremes situations I get into when I’m past-drunk.  So, it’s a bit of an experiment.

On another note, my hair is growing out and I’m thinking of getting another dramatic haircut in the new year.  I want to think of a short hairstyle that will suit me – curly hair doesn’t do short hair that well!

Anyway, I’ve said too much already!

xxx

National Poetry Day

To celebrate National Poetry Day, as secretary of LitSoc at UEA, I organised a reading session for people to share any poetry they liked in a nice, relaxed environment.  We put up fairy lights and lamps, and set out rugs, cushions, snacks… and FREE WINE!  Here’s a picture of some of the committee members there… just under twenty people turned up in the end.  I would have liked lots more, but there we are.

Aside from the regular people reading, fellow committee member and some of her friends read, as well as a couple of freshers and Josh Jones, who has never read before and is now addicted and now has his first collection of poetry out – Thought Disorder

All in all, a good time was had.   Here is a video of me blogging a bit about it, and doing a (pretty bad) reading of a couple of the poems I did on the night as I didn’t film any of it, and it’s a rare thing for me to read Benjamin Zephaniah and Kate Nash.

Carmina

xxx

CWS Speakeasy at The Birdcage

 I arrived at the familar setting of the Birdcage and already there was only the floor left to sit on.  The crowd grew so much that there was no room, as people stood in the doorway.  John Simpson Wedge was hosting, and did a great job with jokes and little poems of his own.  Hasina Allen, Jennifer Grey and Cora Benzie started the night off to a great standard as expected. 

Greta Healy and Christopher Ogden followed after the first break, and I mentioned them both at the last Birdcage event. Emma Webb was next, and I enjoyed her set, and her love of West Ham (which I also “support” due to my dad being a big fan) though I don’t follow football so it’s more moral support haha.

I was up next, decked out in 1920’s style dress, I explained that we were asked to do that – though I like dressing up so wasn’t fussed that not many others actually did it!  I wore a cream dress with matching shoes – not a flapper dress, but a similar ’20s shape.  I also wore my fascinator – any excuse to wear it, as I love it – I got it for my 19th birthday, specially handmade by a Spitalfields Market stall-holder.  I also had a white feather boa – I would have prefered my black one from New York’s Screaming Mimi’s but I can’t find it anywhere – gutted, as it was mega over-priced!

Anyway, less about clothes… I enjoyed my set.  I had a cold, but then so did everyone else really.  I performed my creative writing module pieces from last term, which I never had read out as they are more “page” than “stage” poems.  To pick up the pace, I read Space Station, which I pretty much known by heart now.  I then did newbie Drama, and a plug for an event LitSoc are putting on tonight, and then had time for an unplanned reading of White Lines.  I got a decent amount of compliments, particularly for Space Station, and the rhythm of my performance.  I think maybe because I knew it by heart it was well liked, or maybe because it’s quite emotional and raw.

 Christopher Young was next, and read prose, which many people thought was surprisingly entertaining, as it can be harder to follow prose. I can’t remember seeing him before, but he was really good.  Catherine Woodward was next, and in the past I’ve not been blown away, I thought she was great that night, really engaging. Maybe I was blinded by jealousy before haha, since she gets quite a lot published!

Robyn Comfort was again one to watch – sadly no singing this time though. Josephine Lister delivered her set with confidence, although I can’t remember if I’ve seen her before, I think confidence makes up a lot of how good someone’s set is… I hope I’ve grown in confidence haha! Laurie Eaves was the best I’ve ever seen him, he has improved so much in such short time.  I wondered where he practices because that’s a problem for me, as I like it when other people are out the house!  His set was pretty much perfect, very well prepared and everything went together so well.

CWS were filming the night so hopefully it’ll be up on YouTube at some point in the near future!

Carmina

xxx

HEADcrash Cabaret

Last Wednesday was my first feature since being back in Norwich; HEADcrash Cabaret at The Birdcage.  After getting a glass of wine, some postcards and a ‘cocksucker’ badge from actor, poet and host, Russell J Turner, we found somewhere to sit – on the floor as it was rammed.

I suddenly remembered I forgot to spell check my last post.  There must be lots of errors.

Anyway, Chris Ogden, former president of the Creative Writing Society, was first up.  I knew what to expect as LitSoc showcased him at an event we held at the Hive at UEA.  I really liked his menstruation poem, and it reminded me of how I always forgot I was due on my period a number of times staying round a certain friend’s house, and what it means that he didn’t care and it didn’t feel awkward, which is basically what the poem was about – comfort.

Next was a girl called Greta, not sure of her surname, but I really liked her… that’s all I remember.  Robyn Comfort was next and I especially enjoyed her set, though I’ve seen her a few times, this time it was because she SANG! Well jealous, but of course, very happy for her as she was quite nervous about doing it! 

Then there was Andy Bennett, who a lot of people seemed to know, but I didn’t.  He was really good, and did something similar to Tim Clare in relation to Tom Cruise’s ‘Last Barman Poet’ performance in the film ‘Cocktail’.  It seems to have turned into some cult interest and I don’t know why but I really liked it.  I have been trying to write my version for this event that I won’t be able to make anyway, sadly.

After a break, I was next.  I really enjoyed performing and felt it went really well.  I think because I did so many new poems, although I was worried about the newness of them, it made it more enjoyable because there was a mix of poems I knew pretty much by heart, and those that just felt really fresh or something.  My housemate Kristy said how I had improved so much from last term, which was amazing to hear because it means all the open mic and feature gigs I’ve had over summer have been worth it!

Hannah Walker, who I mentioned in my set, was the last poet.  I’ve written about her before and really liked her set, naturally.  I was hoping to speak to her, but she disappeared or I was busy talking to other people or something like that.  Pay No Mind were the band at the end, I liked the songs but it felt like the singer was singing from the wrong part or something, so she was potentially good, but something was wrong that I couldn’t put my finger on and it kind of annoyed me.

I’ve also now got my heart set on an MA, so plan to take a year out to earn money so I can live back in Norwich.  Ideally I’d do it this coming year, but I won’t be able to afford it.  This probably means I won’t be able to afford to go inter-railing either but I can always do that after my MA… or any time in my life.  I don’t want a job that restricts me to not being able to do that.  I see myself doing lots of different jobs rather than one big one.  I read an article about work-life balance recently in the Sunday Times Style magazine that makes me think a merge rather than a separation is how people are more inclined to working these days.  I want to enjoy my work, and it be part of my life, not waiting for the work day to end so I can start my life each weekend or whatever.

Anyway, to save myself from rambling, I’m going to get reading and try to find someone who will come to see The Neutrinos with me and my housemate Kirstie, only asking for £2 compared to £8.50 on the door! 

xxx

Word of Mouth & After Hours

So, I didn’t make it to any more poetry events the week before returning to Norwich, for three reasons:

1. Monday: kept up by snoring at a friend’s house, went home at 5am, took two hours, had three hours sleep.

2. Tuesday: went round to friend’s house, mum didn’t want anyone staying round, was home by 2am.

3. Wednesday: goodbye drinks, ended up going clubbing with one mate, everyone got chucked off the bus, got home at 5am and was hungover all day.

Anyway, back in Norwich, I went off to the NAC to see Tim Clare headline at Word of Mouth.  Andy Spragg was up first, who I know from previous Soapbox events and the Poetry Choir.  I really liked his poems and would have liked to read as well as hear them, which I got to do later on!  Although confident, he was a bit shaky – which is what I’ve been doing recently at events and know how annoying it is, like… why is my leg shaking.  A bit like Will’s arms on The Inbetweeners (which I watched the next day on 4od, very funny!) 

The Anti-Poet I had performed alongside at Speech Motion, at the Horse & Groom pub in London.  They were even better than the last time!  I really want my own music stand and one of those microphones; it’s the perfect solution to my bad memory, and well, the microphone just looks and sounds cool.

So, the headline act, Tim Clare, I had seen at Latitude but couldn’t hear that well, and was chatting to a uni mate I bumped into and was pretty pissed off that I couldn’t get back to where I was sat as it had gotten so crowded.  Also, it seemed to be more comedy and music than poetry… so I didn’t know what to expect this time.  It ended up being… AMAZING!  Tim’s act wasn’t so much comedy but just him being himself and rambling on about his night drinking Cocktails, and reciting Tom Cruise’s “poem”.   He was really quite endearing; what a charmer.  I loved his poem about loving crazy women and the epic “9-minute poem”.

The After Hours Club was a scary ‘Swap Shop Special’ which involved putting our poems in a bag and picking three different ones.  I knew some people had put in awkward poems, so I was lucky enough to avoid any of that, PLUS I got my very own ‘Cinderella’ poem.  I didn’t record the event as I just wanted to enjoy it for what it was… wasn’t really about me haha.  It was weird seeing Tim Clare in the audience.   I hoped he thought I was good.  It’s cool when the bigger names come to the open mic bit.  Though I would probably judge them badly if they didn’t to be honest! 

There was a bit of drama with the LitSoc Vs. CWS.  It turned out to be an issue of improving communications and never using the term ‘open mic’ for LitSoc events to avoid confusion for the Student’s Union in terms of the distinctions between the societies.  Anyway, after some passionate and persuasive arguing from me (I did get an A in that at GCSE) it seemed to be all sorted, and we should be able to work together the way I had intended, rather than against each other.  And I avoided crying – yay!

 So, everything ended up being okay, and in a few hours shall be seeing a lot of the same faces for HEADcrash Cabaret at The Birdcage with some friends coming along.

xxx

I have been to hell and back. And let me tell you, it was wonderful.

Well, I’ve decided to just do an update on what I’ve been up to, along with a few recommendations.

The first is Thorpe Park.  I bought a bounce-back voucher and went for the second time this summer.  I travelled with a couple of my close friends, yet I was physically shaking when I greeted everyone else.  Not because of the rides, but because of the presence of a girl who I do not like, a girl who has wronged me in the past and, more importantly, ignored my offering of an olive branch a couple of years ago.  I got used to my life without having to worry about her, and now, she has returned to cause me more misery.  Now, with my wonderful friends, plus the excitement of all the rides, I managed to have a good time!  So, if a theme park can still be fun in the face of all this drama, then it must be pretty damn good!

Best Ride: between Saw and Stealth

Worst Ride: between Rumba Rapids and Colossus

Anyway, that evening I met up with my Gran who is moving to live in France with her boyfriend.   We had a meal at an Italian restaurant in Barbican, before seeing “Louise Bourgeois: The Spider, The Mistress and The Tangerine”.  After seeing the film, I wanted to watch it again and so I know I HAVE to get the DVD!  It was so inspirational and beautiful, and I think I’d love to have it to watch whenever I feel low.  Louise is such an amazing person, I love her work and this film made me want to find out more about her, as it is filled with mystery and is extremely interesting.  She is shown as a pillar of strength, striking and funny, with a mass of quotable comments.  It is easily the best film I’ve seen all year and, having recently died at age 98, it is a fitting tribute to her life as an artist… and although she doesn’t define herself as one… a feminist role model.

After seeing my family on Saturday for a last goodbye for my Gran with my family, and taking some things each that she wanted to give away to us, I have been relaxing the rest of the time, and trying to not get too emotional about going back to Norwich – I always get a bit weird with change.  My room is now exploding with books, and I have hung an abstract painting my dad did of me as a baby, which is possibly slightly less egocentric than having my own paintings on every wall.  I watched a film called ‘U Be Dead’ which was a drama based on a true story and was quite entertaining.

painting by my dad

I read in the garden most of the day.  I think it’s the first time all summer I’ve had a day doing that.  I’ve been thinking about sexuality recently and found a quote that intrigued me in a book I’m reading for university, “Granta: Music”.  It was in a piece called “Brandy” by Philip Hensher:

‘I sat in the kitchen of a sympathetic girl called Miriam and told her that I was a homosexual, and faked an anguish I didn’t really feel.  Several times, too, I hopefully said, late at night to a handsome boy, when we were alone, what everyone like me says and never really believes, that of course, everyone is basically bisexual, until one of them crossed the room and kissed me, and after that I never said anything so foolish ever again.’

It was strange because I had said recently to a friend that I believed sexuality was not a black and white subject matter.  I thought, and still do think, that it is not a case of homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual.  Rather, I do think that everyone is bisexual to some degree.  I see sexuality as a spectrum and everyone falls somewhere on the continuous line from A to B.  I don’t personally feel I could label myself bisexual, as I am unsure whether I would be willing to engage in the same level of relationship with the same-sex as I do with the opposite sex.  This kind of connected with something I read in a children’s book by Sherman Alexie about not just belonging to Spokane Indian tribe but there being many ways of defining yourself.  So, in that sense, sexuality is just one of many ways in which we define ourselves; it’s all the little things that make us who we are.  Although, saying that, I’m remembering in psychology we learnt that we are not just the “sum of our parts” so this train of thought could be carried on a lot further.  But, I won’t.  I think I’ve written enough for one day.

xxx

So She Said

I enjoyed the last fundraiser for LadyFest Ten so much I decided to go again to this one.  I was worried the tube strike would force me to take buses and get lost as I have a habit of travelling in the wrong direction.  Since I came all the way from South West London to Mile End, there was really no excuse for anyone not attending!  I think it’s more the idea that there will be problems travelling that stopped them coming, rather than any real obstacles.

I was with my friend Elliot again as he lives walking distance, and we sat in the same place as before; I’m a creature of habit.  We were given Poetry Bingo cards and edible DIY-poetry biscuits which we made with icing sugar glue.  I thought that was really fun!  The other acts this time weren’t as impressive and it wasn’t really as good as the time before, if I’m honest.  The performers that stood out for me were Sophia Blackwell, of course, and Elliot’s friend Aurélie Jestin who played guitar and sang – I didn’t understand what she was saying as it was in French but I loved everything else you can like about music with lyrics you don’t understand.

My own performance, I wasn’t that happy with… I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling it.  I had to bend to the mic a bit as it wasn’t positioned right, which is wierd as I’m quite short… and I messed up a few lines.  Aurélie and Elliot liked it and the audience did make some ‘woo’ noises so I suppose I should stop being so miserable and just be pleased haha.  However…there was this group of girls that wouldn’t stop talking throughout my set, and Sophia Blackwell… in fact, everyone!  They seemed like such posers, all like “we’re at a feminist event!  We’re lesbians/bisexual/friends with lesbians!  We’re at a poetry event! We’re so cool!”  It was just like, why are you here if you’re going to talk throughout the whole thing?  I get really annoyed at people like that, it’s just plain rude!  I wouldn’t make those statements about them normally, but that’s just the impression I got from their ignorance of attending something like this and not bloody paying attention!

Well, rant over, that’s pretty much all I have to say.  I’m deliberating whether to go to an open mic night next week… and if so, which to go to?  It’s between Farrago and Spoonful of Poison.  Farrago costs £5 which is a big factor really, since my main reason for wanting to go is out of obligation as I said I’d try to go to one before I go back to uni in Norwich.  Spoonful of Poison I said I’d go to a couple of weeks ago but forgot and double booked, so feel a pull to go to that as well, but this one is also FREE to go to, so that would be good.  I’m also hoping to see my friend Natalie on that date and she would probably prefer Spoonful as it’s free and she even did her first poetry reading there.

Dilemmasss!  Any advice about that would be welcome, but I’ll probably end up going to whatever Natalie wants to go to… hopefully she will actually be back from Greece by then.

xxx