Poet on page and stage. Creator of She Grrrowls. Facilitator. Writer.

Sorry

On Monday I was to go to Hannah Jane Walker’s show This is just to say at The Book Hive in Norwich. I was meant to be going with a fellow student and poet who shall remain nameless because I am learning that mentioning such things should be left to the bitter world of Blair and Chuck in Gossip Girl. Part of me wishes I could be as big a bitch as Blair, so I guess I love her character because it feels so good to indulge in such fantasy. Then again, I strive to be nice, partly because I want to be liked, but equally because niceness is underrated, and if everyone was a bit nicer the world would be a better place. Maybe we’d make less apologies, or maybe we’d make more.

So, having had no response from two people I thought were going to the show, I ended up finishing the bottle of wine I started, with the logic that I would somehow go out afterwards, that at least one of these people would turn up and I’d have an amazing night without spending any more money. However, I was alone with a group of strangers. Then again, that was one of the points of the show.

We gathered around the table. More wine. Great! After two later-comers turned into no-shows, Hannah started the show. She glided between poems and speeches about apologies, and in between the audience around the table interacted and we all made our own apologies; apologies we wanted to make, ones we wanted to receive, and some made up.

I was honest with my apologies. Though I may have many more to make, it was to someone I feel deeply for and am simultaneously frustrated by and grateful for their friendship. I’d had an argument with them months ago, which he later said was “water under the bridge” when I brought it up, so what did surprise me was that my apology was in relation to that: “Sorry I reacted when you said fuck off, because I love you” – a statement that can be taken two different ways, and even I’m unsure of which way I meant it.

The second apology was in connection to someone I am no longer friends with. Although the person remains in Facebook news feeds, like the roots of dyed hair, we both know the truth. I was surprised that of all the apologies I thought I was owed, this is the one that came up – something which another member of the group also expressed. Though I feel like I have moved on, I guess there will always be that hurt, and the sense of wasted time, and it comes out in my dreams… and on nights like these.

The whole evening is something I have never experienced as a poetry performance format. It was really interesting to go to – unique and special. Hannah’s poetry is always a pleasure to hear, but was very much suited to this intimate environment, gathered round a table, wine-pouring between strangers, with scattered fairylights and paper apologies.

After the show, I texted madly and confused myself in my drunken haze. I ended up at the Rose Tavern where the LOL comedy show was on with a couple of university friends. One act was described as a poetry-comedian. I made a noise… not sure what kind of noise, half laugh, half pretentious-hah-so-you-call-yourself-a-poet-noise. This drew attention to me, despite me thinking I wasn’t that loud, I think I misjudge my own volume when drunk. I also had another glass of wine. Good one. Not.

I don’t remember the details of conversations after that, but I started walking back home with the two guys I was with. I must have forgotten they no longer live two doors down from me as I walked with them too far, and so decided to invite myself back to their house. I entertained more of my friends with my drunken ramblings. I was very embarrassed the next day, but at least they had a laugh before they went to bed.

What’s worse is that I ended the night repeatedly calling a boy to come out of his house to continue the night further at my house. It wasn’t quite getting through to me that it was nearly 1am and he was in bed about to go to sleep to at least get a good 5 hours. Oh yes, and this was all on the day I had my first NORCAS meeting (a drugs and alcohol counselling service). Yes, I know, I’m not an alcoholic, I don’t have any more of a problem than the majority of university students. However, I do want to cut down and stop the extremes situations I get into when I’m past-drunk. So, it’s a bit of an experiment.

On another note, my hair is growing out and I’m thinking of getting another dramatic haircut in the new year. I want to think of a short hairstyle that will suit me – curly hair doesn’t do short hair that well!

Anyway, I’ve said too much already!

xxx

National Poetry Day

Poetry Gigs

To celebrate National Poetry Day, as secretary of LitSoc at UEA, I organised a reading session for people to share any poetry they liked in a nice, relaxed environment. We put up fairy lights and lamps, and set out rugs, cushions, snacks… and FREE WINE! Here’s a picture of some of the committee members there… just under twenty people turned up in the end. I would have liked lots more, but there we are.

Aside from the regular people reading, fellow committee member and some of her friends read, as well as a couple of freshers and Josh Jones, who has never read before and is now addicted and now has his first collection of poetry out – Thought Disorder.

All in all, a good time was had. Here is a video of me blogging a bit about it, and doing a (pretty bad) reading of a couple of the poems I did on the night as I didn’t film any of it, and it’s a rare thing for me to read Benjamin Zephaniah and Kate Nash.

Carmina

xxx

CWS Speakeasy at The Birdcage

Poetry Gigs

I arrived at the familar setting of the Birdcage and already there was only the floor left to sit on. The crowd grew so much that there was no room, as people stood in the doorway. John Simpson Wedge was hosting, and did a great job with jokes and little poems of his own. Hasina Allen, Jennifer Grey and Cora Benzie started the night off to a great standard as expected.

Greta Healy and Christopher Ogden followed after the first break, and I mentioned them both at the last Birdcage event. Emma Webb was next, and I enjoyed her set, and her love of West Ham (which I also “support” due to my dad being a big fan) though I don’t follow football so it’s more moral support haha.

I was up next, decked out in 1920’s style dress, I explained that we were asked to do that – though I like dressing up so wasn’t fussed that not many others actually did it! I wore a cream dress with matching shoes – not a flapper dress, but a similar ’20s shape. I also wore my fascinator – any excuse to wear it, as I love it – I got it for my 19th birthday, specially handmade by a Spitalfields Market stall-holder. I also had a white feather boa – I would have prefered my black one from New York’s Screaming Mimi’s but I can’t find it anywhere – gutted, as it was mega over-priced!

Anyway, less about clothes… I enjoyed my set. I had a cold, but then so did everyone else really. I performed my creative writing module pieces from last term, which I never had read out as they are more “page” than “stage” poems. To pick up the pace, I read Space Station, which I pretty much known by heart now. I then did newbie Drama, and a plug for an event LitSoc are putting on tonight, and then had time for an unplanned reading of White Lines. I got a decent amount of compliments, particularly for Space Station, and the rhythm of my performance. I think maybe because I knew it by heart it was well liked, or maybe because it’s quite emotional and raw.

Christopher Young was next, and read prose, which many people thought was surprisingly entertaining, as it can be harder to follow prose. I can’t remember seeing him before, but he was really good. Catherine Woodward was next, and in the past I’ve not been blown away, I thought she was great that night, really engaging. Maybe I was blinded by jealousy before haha, since she gets quite a lot published!

Robyn Comfort was again one to watch – sadly no singing this time though. Josephine Lister delivered her set with confidence, although I can’t remember if I’ve seen her before, I think confidence makes up a lot of how good someone’s set is… I hope I’ve grown in confidence haha! Laurie Eaves was the best I’ve ever seen him, he has improved so much in such short time. I wondered where he practices because that’s a problem for me, as I like it when other people are out the house! His set was pretty much perfect, very well prepared and everything went together so well.

CWS were filming the night so hopefully it’ll be up on YouTube at some point in the near future!

Carmina

xxx

HEADcrash Cabaret

Poetry Gigs

Last Wednesday was my first feature since being back in Norwich; HEADcrash Cabaret at The Birdcage. After getting a glass of wine, some postcards and a ‘cocksucker’ badge from actor, poet and host, Russell J Turner, we found somewhere to sit – on the floor as it was rammed.

I suddenly remembered I forgot to spell check my last post. There must be lots of errors.

Anyway, Chris Ogden, former president of the Creative Writing Society, was first up. I knew what to expect as LitSoc showcased him at an event we held at the Hive at UEA. I really liked his menstruation poem, and it reminded me of how I always forgot I was due on my period a number of times staying round a certain friend’s house, and what it means that he didn’t care and it didn’t feel awkward, which is basically what the poem was about – comfort.

Next was a girl called Greta, not sure of her surname, but I really liked her… that’s all I remember. Robyn Comfort was next and I especially enjoyed her set, though I’ve seen her a few times, this time it was because she SANG! Well jealous, but of course, very happy for her as she was quite nervous about doing it!

Then there was Andy Bennett, who a lot of people seemed to know, but I didn’t. He was really good, and did something similar to Tim Clare in relation to Tom Cruise’s ‘Last Barman Poet’ performance in the film ‘Cocktail’. It seems to have turned into some cult interest and I don’t know why but I really liked it. I have been trying to write my version for this event that I won’t be able to make anyway, sadly.

After a break, I was next. I really enjoyed performing and felt it went really well. I think because I did so many new poems, although I was worried about the newness of them, it made it more enjoyable because there was a mix of poems I knew pretty much by heart, and those that just felt really fresh or something. My housemate Kristy said how I had improved so much from last term, which was amazing to hear because it means all the open mic and feature gigs I’ve had over summer have been worth it!

Hannah Walker, who I mentioned in my set, was the last poet. I’ve written about her before and really liked her set, naturally. I was hoping to speak to her, but she disappeared or I was busy talking to other people or something like that. Pay No Mind were the band at the end, I liked the songs but it felt like the singer was singing from the wrong part or something, so she was potentially good, but something was wrong that I couldn’t put my finger on and it kind of annoyed me.

I’ve also now got my heart set on an MA, so plan to take a year out to earn money so I can live back in Norwich. Ideally I’d do it this coming year, but I won’t be able to afford it. This probably means I won’t be able to afford to go inter-railing either but I can always do that after my MA… or any time in my life. I don’t want a job that restricts me to not being able to do that. I see myself doing lots of different jobs rather than one big one. I read an article about work-life balance recently in the Sunday Times Style magazine that makes me think a merge rather than a separation is how people are more inclined to working these days. I want to enjoy my work, and it be part of my life, not waiting for the work day to end so I can start my life each weekend or whatever.

Anyway, to save myself from rambling, I’m going to get reading and try to find someone who will come to see The Neutrinos with me and my housemate Kirstie, only asking for £2 compared to £8.50 on the door!

xxx

Word of Mouth & After Hours

Inspiration, Poetry Gigs

So, I didn’t make it to any more poetry events the week before returning to Norwich, for three reasons:

1. Monday: kept up by snoring at a friend’s house, went home at 5am, took two hours, had three hours sleep.

2. Tuesday: went round to friend’s house, mum didn’t want anyone staying round, was home by 2am.

3. Wednesday: goodbye drinks, ended up going clubbing with one mate, everyone got chucked off the bus, got home at 5am and was hungover all day.

Anyway, back in Norwich, I went off to the NAC to see Tim Clare headline at Word of Mouth. Andy Spragg was up first, who I know from previous Soapbox events and the Poetry Choir. I really liked his poems and would have liked to read as well as hear them, which I got to do later on! Although confident, he was a bit shaky – which is what I’ve been doing recently at events and know how annoying it is, like… why is my leg shaking. A bit like Will’s arms on The Inbetweeners (which I watched the next day on 4od, very funny!)

The Anti-Poet I had performed alongside at Speech Motion, at the Horse & Groom pub in London. They were even better than the last time! I really want my own music stand and one of those microphones; it’s the perfect solution to my bad memory, and well, the microphone just looks and sounds cool.

So, the headline act, Tim Clare, I had seen at Latitude but couldn’t hear that well, and was chatting to a uni mate I bumped into and was pretty pissed off that I couldn’t get back to where I was sat as it had gotten so crowded. Also, it seemed to be more comedy and music than poetry… so I didn’t know what to expect this time. It ended up being… AMAZING! Tim’s act wasn’t so much comedy but just him being himself and rambling on about his night drinking Cocktails, and reciting Tom Cruise’s “poem”. He was really quite endearing; what a charmer. I loved his poem about loving crazy women and the epic “9-minute poem”.

The After Hours Club was a scary ‘Swap Shop Special’ which involved putting our poems in a bag and picking three different ones. I knew some people had put in awkward poems, so I was lucky enough to avoid any of that, PLUS I got my very own ‘Cinderella’ poem. I didn’t record the event as I just wanted to enjoy it for what it was… wasn’t really about me haha. It was weird seeing Tim Clare in the audience. I hoped he thought I was good. It’s cool when the bigger names come to the open mic bit. Though I would probably judge them badly if they didn’t to be honest!

There was a bit of drama with the LitSoc Vs. CWS. It turned out to be an issue of improving communications and never using the term ‘open mic’ for LitSoc events to avoid confusion for the Student’s Union in terms of the distinctions between the societies. Anyway, after some passionate and persuasive arguing from me (I did get an A in that at GCSE) it seemed to be all sorted, and we should be able to work together the way I had intended, rather than against each other. And I avoided crying – yay!

So, everything ended up being okay, and in a few hours shall be seeing a lot of the same faces for HEADcrash Cabaret at The Birdcage with some friends coming along.

xxx

I have been to hell and back. And let me tell you, it was wonderful.

Inspiration

Well, I’ve decided to just do an update on what I’ve been up to, along with a few recommendations.

The first is Thorpe Park. I bought a bounce-back voucher and went for the second time this summer. I travelled with a couple of my close friends, yet I was physically shaking when I greeted everyone else. Not because of the rides, but because of the presence of a girl who I do not like, a girl who has wronged me in the past and, more importantly, ignored my offering of an olive branch a couple of years ago. I got used to my life without having to worry about her, and now, she has returned to cause me more misery. Now, with my wonderful friends, plus the excitement of all the rides, I managed to have a good time! So, if a theme park can still be fun in the face of all this drama, then it must be pretty damn good!

Best Ride: between Saw and Stealth

Worst Ride: between Rumba Rapids and Colossus

Anyway, that evening I met up with my Gran who is moving to live in France with her boyfriend. We had a meal at an Italian restaurant in Barbican, before seeing “Louise Bourgeois: The Spider, The Mistress and The Tangerine”. After seeing the film, I wanted to watch it again and so I know I HAVE to get the DVD! It was so inspirational and beautiful, and I think I’d love to have it to watch whenever I feel low. Louise is such an amazing person, I love her work and this film made me want to find out more about her, as it is filled with mystery and is extremely interesting. She is shown as a pillar of strength, striking and funny, with a mass of quotable comments. It is easily the best film I’ve seen all year and, having recently died at age 98, it is a fitting tribute to her life as an artist… and although she doesn’t define herself as one… a feminist role model.

After seeing my family on Saturday for a last goodbye for my Gran with my family, and taking some things each that she wanted to give away to us, I have been relaxing the rest of the time, and trying to not get too emotional about going back to Norwich – I always get a bit weird with change. My room is now exploding with books, and I have hung an abstract painting my dad did of me as a baby, which is possibly slightly less egocentric than having my own paintings on every wall. I watched a film called ‘U Be Dead’ which was a drama based on a true story and was quite entertaining.

I read in the garden most of the day. I think it’s the first time all summer I’ve had a day doing that. I’ve been thinking about sexuality recently and found a quote that intrigued me in a book I’m reading for university, “Granta: Music”. It was in a piece called “Brandy” by Philip Hensher:

‘I sat in the kitchen of a sympathetic girl called Miriam and told her that I was a homosexual, and faked an anguish I didn’t really feel. Several times, too, I hopefully said, late at night to a handsome boy, when we were alone, what everyone like me says and never really believes, that of course, everyone is basically bisexual, until one of them crossed the room and kissed me, and after that I never said anything so foolish ever again.’

It was strange because I had said recently to a friend that I believed sexuality was not a black and white subject matter. I thought, and still do think, that it is not a case of homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual. Rather, I do think that everyone is bisexual to some degree. I see sexuality as a spectrum and everyone falls somewhere on the continuous line from A to B. I don’t personally feel I could label myself bisexual, as I am unsure whether I would be willing to engage in the same level of relationship with the same-sex as I do with the opposite sex. This kind of connected with something I read in a children’s book by Sherman Alexie about not just belonging to Spokane Indian tribe but there being many ways of defining yourself. So, in that sense, sexuality is just one of many ways in which we define ourselves; it’s all the little things that make us who we are. Although, saying that, I’m remembering in psychology we learnt that we are not just the “sum of our parts” so this train of thought could be carried on a lot further. But, I won’t. I think I’ve written enough for one day.

xxx

So She Said

Poetry Gigs

I enjoyed the last fundraiser for LadyFest Ten so much I decided to go again to this one. I was worried the tube strike would force me to take buses and get lost as I have a habit of travelling in the wrong direction. Since I came all the way from South West London to Mile End, there was really no excuse for anyone not attending! I think it’s more the idea that there will be problems travelling that stopped them coming, rather than any real obstacles.

I was with my friend Elliot again as he lives walking distance, and we sat in the same place as before; I’m a creature of habit. We were given Poetry Bingo cards and edible DIY-poetry biscuits which we made with icing sugar glue. I thought that was really fun! The other acts this time weren’t as impressive and it wasn’t really as good as the time before, if I’m honest. The performers that stood out for me were Sophia Blackwell, of course, and Elliot’s friend Aurélie Jestin who played guitar and sang – I didn’t understand what she was saying as it was in French but I loved everything else you can like about music with lyrics you don’t understand.

My own performance, I wasn’t that happy with… I don’t know, I just wasn’t feeling it. I had to bend to the mic a bit as it wasn’t positioned right, which is wierd as I’m quite short… and I messed up a few lines. Aurélie and Elliot liked it and the audience did make some ‘woo’ noises so I suppose I should stop being so miserable and just be pleased haha. However…there was this group of girls that wouldn’t stop talking throughout my set, and Sophia Blackwell… in fact, everyone! They seemed like such posers, all like “we’re at a feminist event! We’re lesbians/bisexual/friends with lesbians! We’re at a poetry event! We’re so cool!” It was just like, why are you here if you’re going to talk throughout the whole thing? I get really annoyed at people like that, it’s just plain rude! I wouldn’t make those statements about them normally, but that’s just the impression I got from their ignorance of attending something like this and not bloody paying attention!

Well, rant over, that’s pretty much all I have to say. I’m deliberating whether to go to an open mic night next week… and if so, which to go to? It’s between Farrago and Spoonful of Poison. Farrago costs £5 which is a big factor really, since my main reason for wanting to go is out of obligation as I said I’d try to go to one before I go back to uni in Norwich. Spoonful of Poison I said I’d go to a couple of weeks ago but forgot and double booked, so feel a pull to go to that as well, but this one is also FREE to go to, so that would be good. I’m also hoping to see my friend Natalie on that date and she would probably prefer Spoonful as it’s free and she even did her first poetry reading there.

Dilemmasss! Any advice about that would be welcome, but I’ll probably end up going to whatever Natalie wants to go to… hopefully she will actually be back from Greece by then.

xxx

Ink, Sweat & Tears

News

Charles Christian has published me on the online poetry and prose webzine, Ink, Sweat & Tears. You can read the piece by clicking here.

xxx

The Queen’s Speech

Poetry Gigs

Last night I went to an open mic in Brixton’s Queen’s Head. It was quite at first and I arrived an hour early so sat at a lamp with Proust and a glass of wine. Rachel Pantechnicon was the featue who I’d seen a few times before at Farrago but had’nt spoken until this time, and I also recognised one of the open mic acts.

I felt a bit embarrassed when I got off the stage after performing ‘Cinderella’ to press record again on my camera, and the microphone kept swinging away from me. Other than that, the audience were really supportive and seemed to like it. I really enjoyed it anyway and smiled throughout it. The video I recorded did cut off my head though.

xxx

Needle&Thread open mic

Poetry Gigs

This is just a quick update about the last open mic night I went to, last Tuesday at the Half Moon pub in Herne Hill. I used to live in the area, but it was before I was five so I don’t remember much, it was my parent’s first place though so I have like one vague memory in a park as well as those confused with photographs and home videos. So, the event was Needle&Thread and although I was there an hour before to sign up, after one glass of wine, my friend Amy came along, as she lives five minutes walk away.

It was good to see Amy, and although the other acts were all men with acoustic guitars, it was fun and relaxing. It was weird at first because the lights were so bright I couldn’t see the audience – I used to like that when I was dancing but it felt like reading to an empty room, although the crowd were really nice with clapping and cheering.

It has to be said, the bar staff were really nice and friendly, and it seemed an all-round cool pub. I was gutted I had to leave so early to get my last train. If I didn’t have work the next day I would have bussed it back. There was one guy that was going to do poetry that talked to me and my friend at the bar, and he interrupted our conversation and then said “don’t beat me up” so I would have loved to see what he did!

Next up, tonight, The Queen’s Speech and The Queen’s Head in Brixton. So far, going it alone. I’ve become soooo skint over the summer as well – thank God for my travel expenses from Penned in the Margins!

On another note, I had my last day at my internship and it’s easily the best bit of work I’ve ever had, such a great experience, and let me tell you, there’s some exciting stuff coming up in the next year! I had a goodbye lunch at Juno which was delish! I pretty much could have eaten anything on the menu, except the fish… not a fan – very unEnglish of me! I’ve no idea why there’s bad reviews online, I really liked it, my perfect menu and nice atmopshere, with a cool space invaders table.

Anyway, I’ll update soon about tonight, as I’ve got my own camera back… well, it says it’s repaired but I swear it’s a new camera! Not bad for £23!

xxx

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