Freelance Reflections #73

I’ve been feeling weirdly detached from my anxiety, which has pros and cons, but whilst confusing, it has maybe allowed me to re-direct my energy away from things I feel anxious about. Whilst anxiety propels me into action (when others were impressed by my organisation at work, I said ‘fuelled by anxiety!) sometimes action isn’t what is needed. I did have a few nights kept up by the moon, applying to do everything from the Saturday job at WHSmiths to random writing jobs on Upwork. But mostly, I tried to tell myself that it would work out, that I know there are ups and downs with the work, there’s just the extra pressure of uncertainty with paying my course fees, coupled with uncertainty about my living situation. I have accepted an hour tutoring for £12 below my usual rate with an hour’s travel each way on a Friday, but I figured, I can do some reading on the commute and it’ll only be 6-12 weeks. I also have one new student starting on a Wednesday (thus sacrificing my Red Sky Sessions…) and got a call about 4 new students from elsewhere. I’ve accepted that I’ll be working on a Saturday, and £80 for two hours makes more sense than £80 for 8 hours at WHSmith.

I’m really enjoying my Art Therapy training! I was going to the exhibition in Lewisham Shopping Centre, ‘Where to, Now All the Sequins Have Gone?’ (also home now to The Migration Museum, which is well worth a visit!) I completed half of an assignment to observe and reflect on some artwork, and on Sunday did another observation task at the Horniman Gardens. I’m still finding my feet in terms of organising things, having got a notebook with dividers, but then divided my notes in the wrong areas… but for now, I want to try to have gratitude and be present, letting go of what I can’t control, and trying to improve and grow in the ways I can. One thing that is challenging at the moment is how doing work on yourself, attending therapy, doing this kind of course… can mean that it’s harder to communicate with others around you who seem less willing to reflect in the same way, or who don’t use verbal communication as much… which is actually very apt for the challenges I’ll be coming up against in this course.

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