UEA Literature Society Showcase: Autumn

Monday 22nd was the second edition of the Literature Society Showcase in the UEA Hive.  I had organised the one last summer pretty much single-handedly, but this time the whole committee got involved to make this one a success – and I think we pulled it off!  I was worried at first about the performers turning up, the audience turning up, and whether the equipment set-up would be okay.

The only thing that disappointed me was that, after being so happy that so many people turned up that we ran out of chairs, loads of people left towards the end which I found really disrespectful to the last acts who had sat through most of the night waiting to perform.  Especially as I was really looking forward to Hannah Jane Walker and Russell J Turner performing and thought it would end the night on a high – which it did, but it also REALLY pissed me off that people had left!  I guess I’m still learning about how to organise events though.  Next time we’ll have to have fewer acts and end earlier.

There were quite a few performers I’d put on the bill that I’d never seen before, and a couple of cheeky personal favourites were Ashley Johnson (an amazing acoustic act with a beautiful voice), and Grenouilles (a blend of voices, guitar and violin with poignant lyrics) and Billy Hallet (comedy act with hilarious anecdotes of “youths”).

The bill itself included a lot of acts I was already familiar with (obviously, as I put the bill together) and so here’s a run down for anyone reading this to check out:

Ashley Johnson

Mother Superior

King Laconic

Fuchsia Saville

Break

Grenouilles

Amy Staniforth

Joshua Jones

Billy Hallett

Break

Sula Mae

Me!

Robyn Comfort

Break

Late Arrivals Club

Hannah Jane Walker

Russell J Turner

Jake Miller hosted the event, which worked well for most of it, but I think I needed to brief him more about the acts as there were a few awkward moments.  I found his introduction for me funny: ‘some may say the next act put on this event just so she could perform’… partly true I guess!!

I was about to upload some pictures but it doesn’t seem to be working and time is of essence haha!  Well, about my own performance that night… I hadn’t practiced so didn’t expect much of myself.  I picked ‘Space Station’ as I know it by heart, however in attempting not to look at the page, I ended up missing out a stanza or two.  I then read a new one ‘The Social Network’ but regret doing so and never want to read it again; I’m starting to realise some poems should be kept as personal and not read out.  Lastly, I did a poem-song ‘Fix It’ and thought I’d probably just read it since I’ve never sung in front of an audience, other than drunken karaoke.  Until now!  I ended up singing the chorus, as is meant to be, and although I was paranoid about the echo of the microphone and whether I was standing right, and moved away from it to try to sound okay… I was proud of myself!  So… that, and getting a 67 in my latest essay… almost makes up for the amount of hangovers I’ve had recently!  Though I am having nightmares about the next essay I’m due back where the mark morphed into different low numbers… all lower than 45!

Anyway, I’m due to write a review on Luke Wright now, wondering whether if he Googles his name after and ends up reading this.  Most of the time I don’t think about people actually reading this, which has its downside… tending to be when I mention names or let slip in some emotional rant about unrequited love.

xxx

The Social Network

I saw The Social Network  with one of my frexes (a word I made up for exes who are still friends) – oh shit!  I just looked it up, and it is a word already, well that’s good then! So yeah, I got way too much pick ‘n’ mix so have enough to last me until next week’s film (Exit Through the Gift Shop).  Anyway, the film was really interesting and entertaining.  I guess it was true to real life, and captured the hilarity of depressing situations.  I was disappointed by the role of women who were just there to have sex with in toilets, snort cocaine off and tell the anti-hero of the film that he’s actually not an “asshole” (he is).  However, I can’t really see female characters playing a major role in it, especially as it’s meant to be a true story and the founder of Facebook is meant to be a “computer nerd” so an absence of women is inevitable, ha!  The whole creation of the site was shown to stem from being dumped.  Okay, so there’s some positivity about life in there; though typically success = money, here.  The bottom line was said from the beginning by ex-girlfriend Erica “You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an asshole.”  By the end of the film, he is told by another minor female character that he is actually a nice guy.  Are we meant to sympathise with him?  I don’t know, but I still think he’s an “asshole”.  He screwed over his best friend.  And did it all the while making him believe he didn’t actually care about money.  Youngest billionaire.  ‘Nuff said.

After that I went to HEADcrash Cabaret at The Birdcage.  I won’t mention all the usual acts as there were a lot of UEA CWS members performing.  I enjoyed Christine York’s punk rock granny act, and she kind of reminded me of my own Gran, in the way that she referred to other older people with their slippers… something my Gran had commented on recently!  I’m actually going to be basing a short story for my Children’s Literature module on her because she’s such an inspiration.  By the by, I got a 67 on my last essay which I’m quite pleased with as I expected low 60s, and was scared after hearing the marks ranged from 55 to 75!  Anyway, I also enjoyed American poet Angela Robinson, who presented an interesting postcard poem that I really liked the idea of.  Lastly, Amy Nicholson, who is a comedian, was amazing and probably the best act of the night, and she did a poem at the end which was great! 

The evening made me think about confidence and how much difference it makes to performance and how I really wish I had more of it.  I’ve had a lot of people say stuff about how there’s so many people who are less talented and more confident.  So yeah, it doesn’t make sense but my shyness is part of me and I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of that element but I do wish I was more confident.  I am quite self-aware though, and have enough confidence in my ability to know that confidence is the main issue I need to improve on.  Though saying that, poem quality and memory also need much work!

I’ve had about 3 or 4 hours sleep and am feeling a bit hungover so this is probably not a good day to start coursework but I hope to do something productive other than buy a toaster and fruit which is all I’ve done so far.  I went on a Dance Squad and Rugby social last night.  It was Noah’s Arc themed and me and my new mate Charlotte went as pink butterflies.  She arrived first and when I got there it was just us and a load of Rugby guys.  As the alcohol flowed it got less weird but still felt like a bit of a school disco. 

We then had to get attached to a member of the opposite sex.  Charlotte got a bad vibe from one guy and as sod’s law would have it, I got attached to him!  To be honest, I was wanting to be attached to someone more attractive, so I was gutted for that reason.  Then Charlotte told him I needed to change my tampon.  I cannot imagine someone getting out of duck tape faster!  It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic that a guy could be scared of periods.  It became apparent that a lot of the rugby guys have menophobia, as the rumour circulated.  Funnily enough I had just come off my period.  I got a new partner and that’s how I knew that people were talking about me, and obviously, it was embarrassing… nobody wants to be known as ‘period girl’.  I’ll put it down to the fact this boy was 3 years younger than me that he bothered to ask if it were true, and when I told him I was on it the day before he said to someone ‘she’s on the blob.’ Nice.  Found out via Facebook (haha) that he has a girlfriend, so my logic that the guys cared about the period issue because of the possibility of getting laid is most likely wrong. It really is pathetic that these guys reacted like this to something that’s just a natural part of women. I mean, grow up!  The chants they were doing on the bus to town were pretty damn offensive to women, but Kat, one of our committee members made some really funny comments whilst making a point about their sexism.  It made me feel more lighthearted about the situation and off I went with my partner to the back seat of the bus… my first time piling on the backseat to the tune of “there was one on the backseat of the bus…” etc.

Anyway, this night has no relevance to anything but I feel like writing about it.  I’m meant to be keeping a record of what I drink but it kind of went out the window, and it’s kind of making me want to lie, which is bad.  So, I spent the night dancing, mainly with Charlotte.  We got laughed at for be refused champers from this guy because he didn’t know us by a group of black girls.  Their race only being relevent in this case because we both were pretty much made to feel like stupid white girls who can’t dance.  So, it felt a bit weird dancing next to them but I just tried not to care, I pretty much feel stupid dancing anyway but I enjoy it.  Even when Charlotte left, I went downstairs and then back up and danced on my own.  I got some funny looks, some guys flicking my antenna and a lot of pervy guys thinking they have the right to just touch me.  I guess because it is kind of weird dancing on your own, they probably thought I was too drunk to care.  Wrong.  It felt pretty liberating dancing on my own.  I was aware it would be funny to the outsider but it’s good to feel free.  Though, to quote Rousseau, everywhere we are in chains.

# One day we’ll float, take life as it comes #

MA Portfolio Help!

Hi, if anyone has the time, please read through and let me know if there are any which are really terrible. The first 6 are from a creative writing module I did which I got a first for so assuming they’re good.  For the rest, I really have no idea, some of the ones I usually perform are probably not good to submit but I’m so confused and really don’t know what’s good or bad, or even if I have enough good material or if I just write loads of crap and have very little good… that’s kind of how I feel with all the rejections from submissions I’ve had, feel like I have very little chance. Anyway, help! Please! Argh!

Plasticine

 

I remember the feeling of lying with you;

head nuzzled in your chest

like a human jigsaw puzzle,

our bodies moulded together.

The faint scent of yesterday’s cologne,

morning breath after midday

and the movement of breathing.

Hearts beating.

The slow rise

up and down.

I laugh along to the television screen

as the sound blurs behind your eyelids.

How it used to be.

I do

not

want

to

forget

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

 

The Very Hungry Caterpillar eats away at me.

each bite dulls my eyes,

a revolving merry-go-round in my mind,

repeating lines like π.

Tell me what I am.

Trapped Jack in a Box.

The comfort of darkness,

curled under the covers,

hoping the monster won’t get me.

I search and scramble for the edges of the hole,

to lift myself onto some solid earth.

Your hands still hold the rope wrapped around my stomach,

as with each step I take, you urge me to plummet,

and I long to turn the page.

 

 

Party Rings

 

It’s the

seven year old skin

of porcelain,

with a plastic ring

on every finger,

dipping into the icing

 of the cake,

wishes blowing in the wisp of smoke

from each candle.

It’s the passing of the parcel

where everyone gets a prize

and where a blown up balloon

is a symbol for happiness.

And dancing is just jumping

and games are just bumping

onto the floor.

It’s the photograph of a smiling girl

And the ever-present party rings

at birthdays.

Say goodbye to your childhood.

 

 The Photograph

 

“There must be a draft from the door,

‘cause in the room there’s a chill,

and the photograph’s edges peel, from the wall;

to press it back with Blu-Tak,

Or to simply

 

Let it fall?”

 

Baking Cake Alone

 

v  Press play

to keep a consistent flow of Music into your ears.

v  Take a large mixing bowl

and place in the measured out creamy butter.

v  Combine with 6 oz of caster sugar,

stir in with a pinch of I Will Go To The Gym Tomorrow.

v  Add 3 beaten eggs

and a line of sing-a-long All I wanted was a simple kind of life.

v  Next, sift in the flour.

v  Then fold it in with the eggs

like the rolls in your stomach, created by the apron strings.

v  Also sift in some cocoa powder, as desired,

along with the salt from Happy Tears.

v  Place in a greased cake tin,

bake for 30 minutes,

then eat like the fat boy in Matilda.

v  Serving suggestion: especially good in front of A Repeat Episode of Friends.

 

Dreams

 

My oldest friend,

you cried on the bed in my childhood home,

and I joined you, unsure, of what the tears were for,

but neither of us were crying alone.

So we cried and we cried and we cried

until our tears must have formed a pool

and Latchmere’s wave machine engulfed us inside,

so that the saltiness smelt like chlorine

and we had a place to

breathe

and

hide.

But the waves,

the waves were just like the sea.

And we swam and swam and swam

until we were stressed and dressed like waitresses

but we didn’t know what to do.

so we thought back to the memories of the pool.

the warm wetness of the water, sliding over our skin,

tears running down cheeks,

hands moving over heads to reach,

and smiles spread across each of our faces.

 

The Mirror

 

My face cold and pale

I levitate above my bed

to feel the empty space surround me.

Why do I always see you when I’m ill?

I close my eyes

and I feel the faint warmth of your body like fever.

I have met strangers sat on fences.

They claimed to love me

but I just blew them away with the smoke from my cigarette.

I have been shouted at by other women.

I ran away into the shower

and it sang to me then laughed at me

as it took away the water,

and I joined in

because there is not much else you can do

when a shower head is mocking you in your nakedness.

Our son looks like you.

He stares into mirrors, recites criticisms of Rousseau

and stands beside the burning bush

but I am water,

as I wash my hair it hangs down

and drip drip drips.

and I become soluble in the room

which is all dripping.

The mirrors crash to the ground

like sea waves hitting sandy bays.

You left me.

You left me standing in a tangle of long grass;

so far away and small.

I will become a simple strand of grass,

blowing in the wind as it rushes by the fields

like thin glass mirrors of green,

reflecting one another:

I blend into insignificance.

 

Autumn Leaves

Spitting leaves since the bonfire

left like a Guy burning

forked

to the spot. Smoke

choking me for all the words

you wouldn’t let out,

stuffed up inside me

cotton mouthed

like that dumb toy animal

you bought back when you got me birthday presents,

wrapped up with

a dress so small I broke the zip

trying to make it fit

and you replaced it, like you’ve done with me now.

Something new, still nice,

but not quite the same,

not quite as good, not quite…

too much,

a girl that you can take,

doesn’t burn so bright, a firework

when set alight

doesn’t rise quite as high,

but as you watch me fade and die,

beside her at the back of your mind,

do you repeat the way I shined

like the pattern of our bodies

intertwined.

Roots

 

My roots are more than the people in my bloodline,

more than a diagram of my family tree.

They are in my ink stained name at the bottom of a love letter

filled with drawings and poems and random thoughts

all scrawled with desire of wanting to share everything I can.

My roots are the curl of the C,

the curl of my hair,

and the waves I have swam through

and the wetness of my cheeks

from downward eyes and quivering lips.

My roots are in my laugh, my smile, and my skin;

in my seasick stomach,

my loaded liver

and my beating, blood-pumping, jumping heart.

My roots are a love of olives and omelettes and paella and tapas bars.

give me sweet sangria, good music and great friends,

a shyness that shines

not a shyness that defines.

Bull star signs and red fabric of sex and passion and blood

All draped over me like the emperor’s new clothes.

My roots are gravy over everything,

baths and showers full of gravy,

rivers and lakes and scuba diving tanks.

Spinning round in tea cups

and breaking saucers.

My roots are words words words,

reading and poetry and essays,

talking and shouting and not getting a word in edgeways.

My roots are art,

sculptures and paint splatting and CSM.

Drip drip drip

into colouring books and dot-to-dots.

My roots are musical notes and little songs,

bringing on the trumpets from my grandad’s brass band.

The tinkle of his father’s piano fades with memory,

and I wish I could play but all I have is a DVD and a dusty keyboard

and amputated arms;

my hands running away from ticking clocks whilst my laptop melts.

My roots are present through my bark to my branches to my leaves,

even when fallen,

even when the wind sweeps them away and scatters them among the earth.

My roots are everywhere I am.

Cinderella

 

These days

Cinderella stays

out past midnight

gets into a catfight

covers up her love bite

with her long hair

as she stumbles on each stair

and she doesn’t really care.

What you lookin’ at? she says

with holes in her tights, wearing last night’s dress

as she gets on the bus

better not make a fuss

‘cause she kinda looks like she could throw a punch

and has acrylic nails that’d make you bleed

and straighteners so powerful: could make your hair recede

and as she bends down to adjust her shoe

you better pray she’s not coming after you!

In the street she stumbles again,

her slippers not made of glass,

trips on the uneven pavement

and nearly falls onto her arse.

She flicks her heels off in frustration

and lets her soles get dirty.

Her stomach is rumbling badly

as it’s coming up to three thirty

and she hasn’t had a bite to eat

and all she wants is put up her feet

but other than that her life is sweet.

So sometimes I wish I was like Cinderella,

she drops her shoe and soon after gets a fella.

But he always disappears after one night

with his true love Stella.

 

Recipe for Pills

 

A grain of Medication

to target whatever it may be

you want fixing.

A spoonful of sugar

because Mary Poppins knows best.

She is Practically Perfect in Every Way;

you are comatose in bed

and have lost your rosy-red cheeks,

face painted with canvas primer.

Now.

You’re going to need a gallon of False Hope,

and the Concerned Smiles of Family and Friends,

but leave out the Tears Behind Closed Doors.

Next, add hours of Rest,

lucky for you, exercise was never a great source of pleasure.

A dose of Daytime TV

and a handful of grapes.

One of your five-a-day.

Add seven glasses of water.

place into a large saucepan,

stir gently on a low heat.

Leave in the fridge overnight to cool.

By morning it should have crystallized, but still be soft.

Insert five grams of the mixture into capsules.

Once finished, put into plastic containers.

Take twice daily.

Note: there may be side effects.

Passing Time

 

Pass the condoms.

Pass the salt.

I cannot come.

It’s not your fault.

I’m over here.

I’m over there.

While I remove

your underwear.

It’s been so long

and I am weak.

I just want touch,

so just don’t speak.

Squeeze my arse,

slide inside and thrust.

this is not love;

it’s only lust.

And it feels good.

better than drinking.

I may not come

but it stops me thinking.

Fancy Dress

 

In this same natural fancy dress,

always propping the same face on the same palms

and letting it be reflected from the looking glass.

I am a doll.

Drawing and colouring in my face.

Mouth poised

ready for a kiss.

Ringlets ready to get messed up.

I am wearing my party dress.

I am rage.

Screaming in my ears.

Red and black.

Ripped fishnets.

Metal ready to draw blood.

I am wearing my armour.

I am a whore.

Flesh exposed.

Easy access through this silk

slip a hand high on my thigh,

I won’t mind.

I am wearing my sex, or is it gender?

I am an intellectual.

Glasses and BHDs.

Book in hand.

Pen in mouth.

I am wearing my pencil skirt.

I am nu-rave and nu-grave.

I can’t decide.

Bright colours.

Dark black.

I am wearing a way to hide.

I am ghetto.

Hoop earrings on show.

Mispronouncing my words

that my mother tells me end in t.

I am wearing roots and childhood tracksuits.

I am a dancer.

Leggings, leotard

and legs spread.

Cartwheels in your head,

to make you think I’m good in bed.

I am wearing music.

I am a drama queen

my mouth wide open.

Microphone, loudspeaker,

spotlight, audience.

I am wearing a mask.

I am a sailor.

Anchor round my neck.

Thinking cap.

Google map.

And ready to take you away.

I am wearing stripes of past mockery.

I am a poet.

Let me read to you.

I am naked.

I give you ugliness.

I give you beauty.

I am wearing everything all at once.

Claymore

 

Claymore welcomes you with white walls

but you hand over your paints at the door.

We give you pills for those days

when you want to cry on the floor.

We’re very nice like that.

You’re not normal, you’re not healthy

but here we’ll make you better.

You can’t just leave of your own accord

because you’ve signed the consent letter.

We watch you while you’re shaving

to make sure you don’t slit your wrists.

It’s for your own good,

so put down your fighting fists.

The place we call the living room

has the Dead Poet’s Society, for you to watch on the TV,

but outside the doors, you can be wild as dogs

under the supervision of me.

Guns aren’t lawful, nooses give.

Gas smells awful, so you might as well live.

 

Live but say no to love

because soon you’ll fit right in.

Marriage would only hit you

in the head, with a rolling pin.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.

I’m half crazy, but darling, look at you.

 

Hanging from the ceiling

can sometimes be appealing,

But it can all be made better,

if you just tell us how you’re feeling.

CWS Scream Poetry Night – UEA Grad Bar

I found out at the weekend that Luke Wright, John Osborne and Tim Clare were going to be performing at this Creative Writing Society event.   I’d recently been told An ex-boyfriend I still care (too much) about has a new girlfriend and was half wanting to read a whole set of poems about him and half wanting to read nothing to do with him, prior to finding out that these poetry celebrities were attending.  Oh hiya, curator of Latitude poetry stage… I think I might think a bit more about what I’m going to read now. So, I thought vaguely thematically and did a couple I read quite regularly; The Mirror and Space Station.  Plus, two I’d never read before; Ghosts on Stairways and 90s Kidz.  Okay, so two poems about the ex, but they were good choices, I think.

The Mirror has been published in the Poetry Rivals 2010 anthology, and as I was disappointed by the standard of the other poetry included, I’m hoping I’m in the top 100 that get to perform.  I’d read afterwards warnings not to enter the competition, but seeing as I know half of last year’s judges, I thought it can’t be that bad… apart from the paying for your own copy of the book instead of actually getting paid!

Anyway, acts that stood out that I hadn’t seen before to my knowledge, were Amanda Gosling and Leo Hunt.  Both prose acts, which is a more difficult task than reading poetry, and yet, they stood out the most.  The Aisle 16 members obviously stood out like a sore thumb and I felt stupidly starstruck, as I am shy at the best of times.  I was happy with my own performance, but obviously looking back at the video is never as good, plus I stumbled on a couple of lines (once in Space Station, which I know of my heart, but then again I had zero time to practice!)  I was comforted by the professionals’ own stumblings though.

So, the next event will probably be 22nd November at the UEA Hive, which is an event I’m putting on for LitSoc with poetry, comedy and music.  Also, Aisle 16 are doing a birthday gig for FREE at the York Tavern which is across the road from me, yay!

Carmina

xxx

Sorry

On Monday I was to go to Hannah Jane Walker’s show This is just to say at The Book Hive in Norwich. I was meant to be going with a fellow student and poet who shall remain nameless because I am learning that mentioning such things should be left to the bitter world of Blair and Chuck in Gossip Girl.  Part of me wishes I could be as big a bitch as Blair, so I guess I love her character because it feels so good to indulge in such fantasy.  Then again, I strive to be nice, partly because I want to be liked, but equally because niceness is underrated, and if everyone was a bit nicer the world would be a better place.  Maybe we’d make less apologies, or maybe we’d make more.

So, having had no response from two people I thought were going to the show, I ended up finishing the bottle of wine I started, with the logic that I would somehow go out afterwards, that at least one of these people would turn up and I’d have an amazing night without spending any more money.  However, I was alone with a group of strangers.  Then again, that was one of the points of the show.

We gathered around the table.  More wine. Great!  After two later-comers turned into no-shows, Hannah started the show.  She glided between poems and speeches about apologies, and in between the audience around the table interacted and we all made our own apologies; apologies we wanted to make, ones we wanted to receive, and some made up.

I was honest with my apologies.  Though I may have many more to make, it was to someone I feel deeply for and am simultaneously frustrated by and grateful for their friendship.  I’d had an argument with them months ago, which he later said was “water under the bridge” when I brought it up, so what did surprise me was that my apology was in relation to that: “Sorry I reacted when you said fuck off, because I love you” – a statement that can be taken two different ways, and even I’m unsure of which way I meant it. 

The second apology was in connection to someone I am no longer friends with.  Although the person remains in Facebook news feeds, like the roots of dyed hair, we both know the truth.  I was surprised that of all the apologies I thought I was owed, this is the one that came up – something which another member of the group also expressed.  Though I feel like I have moved on, I guess there will always be that hurt, and the sense of wasted time, and it comes out in my dreams… and on nights like these.

The whole evening is something I have never experienced as a poetry performance format.  It was really interesting to go to – unique and special.  Hannah’s poetry is always a pleasure to hear, but was very much suited to this intimate environment, gathered round a table, wine-pouring between strangers, with scattered fairylights and paper apologies.

After the show, I texted madly and confused myself in my drunken haze.  I ended up at the Rose Tavern where the LOL comedy show was on with a couple of university friends.  One act was described as a poetry-comedian.  I made a noise… not sure what kind of noise, half laugh, half pretentious-hah-so-you-call-yourself-a-poet-noise.  This drew attention to me, despite me thinking I wasn’t that loud, I think I misjudge my own volume when drunk.  I also had another glass of wine. Good one.  Not.

I don’t remember the details of conversations after that, but I started walking back home with the two guys I was with.  I must have forgotten they no longer live two doors down from me as I walked with them too far, and so decided to invite myself back to their house.  I entertained more of my friends with my drunken ramblings.  I was very embarrassed the next day, but at least they had a laugh before they went to bed.

What’s worse is that I ended the night repeatedly calling a boy to come out of his house to continue the night further at my house.  It wasn’t quite getting through to me that it was nearly 1am and he was in bed about to go to sleep to at least get a good 5 hours.  Oh yes, and this was all on the day I had my first NORCAS meeting (a drugs and alcohol counselling service).  Yes, I know, I’m not an alcoholic, I don’t have any more of a problem than the majority of university students.  However, I do want to cut down and stop the extremes situations I get into when I’m past-drunk.  So, it’s a bit of an experiment.

On another note, my hair is growing out and I’m thinking of getting another dramatic haircut in the new year.  I want to think of a short hairstyle that will suit me – curly hair doesn’t do short hair that well!

Anyway, I’ve said too much already!

xxx